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[INFJ] INFJs and Hate/Revenge

scortia

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
201
MBTI Type
INFJ
I have a very very short "shit list". I'm tolerant of a lot of things, but people who have humongous egos and have no problem hurting and blaming others just so they feel propped up, they go on that list. People with no personal integrity or concern for others. I have given people like this a LONG time to see the error of their ways, because I find it astounding that anyone can be so selfish or self-deluded,... but eventually there's a big thing that happens and that becomes a breaking point.

My "list" essentially just means I stop talking to you, and may complain about you for a while (but not nearly as much as that person does about me, apparently). Now I can spot these types immediately and I know not to waste my time with them.

I think I have just... 2 people? And one I just sort of pity for her own ignorance. My Thinking side overtakes my Feeling side typically when it comes to things like grudges.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
That explains my last failed relationship. Didn't know when to quit. Kept trying to use my will to mold things. Yeah, I've learned a lot more (because someone got me thinking this way) that things either work or they don't. The dynamic has to be natural to some degree.

There are two extremes to relationships:

(1) "My way or the highway"

OR

(2) "I'll do anything you say to keep you happy"

Neither of these poles is healthy.

The middle ground that is fair and equitable for both parties will only be realized if there is a sufficient dynamic to fuel (or qualm) the flames of discontent.

Although I've never said "My way or the highway" to my wife, in the past I have been guilty of executing unilateral moves, doing as I pleased, as I thought my actions were mutually exclusive of affecting others. This is an example of acting out instead of coming to the negotiating table...
 

Wyst

lurking....
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Messages
1,662
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I never proactively hate or take revenge on people that been added to the list. The reaction they'll receive takes a passive stance - almost of omission from my life completely.

Regarding interaction, if I have to talk to the person, I'll be civil. But it goes no farther than that. Short, one word answers is usually all they'll get.

A lesser version of this is if they've made on to my angry list. If you burn me again though, you get moved from the angry list to the 'dead to me' list. While you're on the angry list, I available to you but only if you seek me out, and no more freebies.
 

scortia

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
201
MBTI Type
INFJ
Regarding interaction, if I have to talk to the person, I'll be civil. But it goes no farther than that. Short, one word answers is usually all they'll get.

Exactly this. I have friends who are still friends with an ex-friend of mine (wow that was a mouthful)... and I will not fully ignore her, but will speak as needed. Totally ignoring would likely cause turmoil over something that I've already wiped clean from my life.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
There are two extremes to relationships:

(1) "My way or the highway"

OR

(2) "I'll do anything you say to keep you happy"

Neither of these poles is healthy.

The middle ground that is fair and equitable for both parties will only be realized if there is a sufficient dynamic to fuel (or qualm) the flames of discontent.

Although I've never said "My way or the highway" to my wife, in the past I have been guilty of executing unilateral moves, doing as I pleased, as I thought my actions were mutually exclusive of affecting others. This is an example of acting out instead of coming to the negotiating table...

You married pretty young though didn't you? A lot of this sounds like maturity.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
You married pretty young though didn't you? A lot of this sounds like maturity.

We met at 20, and married at 35 after 5 years of being exposed to other via cohabitation.

My default of "My way or the thighway" comes from my ESTJ Army Colonel father who was born in 1937 and is very stoic, old school, and authoritarian, but very, very cool in his own right.

What aspect of my response do you coincide most with marrying young?

Also, what constitutes marrying young by your definition?

Just curious.

Cheers friend,

-Alex
 

entropie

Permabanned
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Messages
16,767
MBTI Type
entp
Enneagram
783
There are two extremes to relationships:

(1) "My way or the highway"

OR

(2) "I'll do anything you say to keep you happy"

Neither of these poles is healthy.

The middle ground that is fair and equitable for both parties will only be realized if there is a sufficient dynamic to fuel (or qualm) the flames of discontent.

Although I've never said "My way or the highway" to my wife, in the past I have been guilty of executing unilateral moves, doing as I pleased, as I thought my actions were mutually exclusive of affecting others. This is an example of acting out instead of coming to the negotiating table...

Is it when the sex becomes bad that the estp starts to talk about a relationship ? :D
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Is it when the sex becomes bad that the estp starts to talk about a relationship ? :D

No sir. It happens when the ESTP realizes he is in love with his mate, and not just shagging. ;)
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
We met at 20, and married at 35 after 5 years of being exposed to other via cohabitation.

My default of "My way or the thighway" comes from my ESTJ Army Colonel father who was born in 1937 and is very stoic, old school, and authoritarian, but very, very cool in his own right.

What aspect of my response do you coincide most with marrying young?

Also, what constitutes marrying young by your definition?

Just curious.

Cheers friend,

-Alex

I just remember you mentioning something to that effect. And, I think if you did marry young you might be expected to have problems that had nothing to do with your feelings for your wife, but that were more related to your own development as a person. See?
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Thank you for clarifying.

By definition both marrying before 25 AND cohabitation are two factors that contribute to a greater likelihood of divorece down the road.

For me and my wife, from my perspective, the part of meeting young that was detrimental was, as you said NEITHER of us having a good sense of who WE were, let alone of how a ESTP/7w8 male and an INFJ/4w5 female were supposed to get along.

These differences manifested as ACTIONS not WORDS. Words (meaningful) were few and far between as she was reticent to engage me and I took it for granted that because a nuclear bomb had not gone off in my house that all was OK.

A picture is worth a thousand words.
Actions speak louder than words.
I dare say that actions, especially the right actions, at the right times, are worth a thousand pictures.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
Thank you for clarifying.

By definition both marrying before 25 AND cohabitation are two factors that contribute to a greater likelihood of divorece down the road.

For me and my wife, from my perspective, the part of meeting young that was detrimental was, as you said NEITHER of us having a good sense of who WE were, let alone of how a ESTP/7w8 male and an INFJ/4w5 female were supposed to get along.

These differences manifested as ACTIONS not WORDS. Words (meaningful) were few and far between as she was reticent to engage me and I took it for granted that because a nuclear bomb had not gone off in my house that all was OK.

A picture is worth a thousand words.
Actions speak louder than words.
I dare say that actions, especially the right actions, at the right times, are worth a thousand pictures.

I always try to tell my friends not to cohabitate. If you're in love, get married right?
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I always try to tell my friends not to cohabitate. If you're in love, get married right?

At this point in life, I agree with you. I would have married my wife right after our first date, no shit. Let the cohabitation be a mystery...
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
At this point in life, I agree with you. I would have married my wife right after our first date, no shit. Let the cohabitation be a mystery...

I think people do this because they are afraid or unsure and they somehow think living together will give them certainty. Folly.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I think people do this because they are afraid or unsure and they somehow think living together will give them certainty. Folly.

And beacuse of the analysis paralysis transmitted by divorce statistics in general... :violin:
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
And beacuse of the analysis paralysis transmitted by divorce statistics in general... :violin:

I honestly think people really don't realize how damaging it can be. They figure if we live together and it works the next step is marriage! Wrong. I actually don't believe in premarital sex either.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

failure to thrive
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,585
MBTI Type
INfj
Enneagram
451
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I think people do this because they are afraid or unsure and they somehow think living together will give them certainty. Folly.

not always. i lived with my man because we were in college and were focused on school, but lived in the same apartments and were in love and having LOTS of sex anyway and he was close to graduating; and planning a wedding etc. would have been ridiculous, so living together was just logical.

i have no regrets. it's not always a bad thing.

besides, who said marriage is the best relationship paradigm anyway? maybe living together is better......?
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I honestly think people really don't realize how damaging it can be. They figure if we live together and it works the next step is marriage! Wrong. I actually don't believe in premarital sex either.

That's hardcore. :nice:
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
not always. i lived with my man because we were in college and were focused on school, but lived in the same apartments and were in love and having LOTS of sex anyway and he was close to graduating; and planning a wedding etc. would have been ridiculous, so living together was just logical.

i have no regrets. it's not always a bad thing.

besides, who said marriage is the best relationship paradigm anyway? maybe living together is better......?

I know a little how you live. Not really my thing. No offense.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
That's hardcore. :nice:

It is worth mentioning that I have both lived with people (more than once) and am also no virgin, by any means. I have come to this conclusion after 14 years of living as an adult.
 
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