[INFJ] INFJ under stress

[the state i am in]

I watch a HELL of a lot of Nigella Lawson cooking videos on Youtube. She's very comforting.

Fi and food, yes please.

I eat food angrily without tasting it

not tasting food is very pertinent, not tasting anything really. can't hear music, can't see the trees, pretty much get no information whatsoever except that which fits perfectly into my present path as determined by the rut i am in. usually i'll become aware of something and kinda chuckle my way out of it, or at least release some steam until i am in a better place to get to the bottom of the situation.

 

[Ruby Tuesday]

After more than 40 years of not really encountering my shadow except in glimpses, moving countries for a job that turned out to suck sent me into a full year spiral of neglecting to keep in touch with anyone, procrastinating about everything especially work, developing very OCD habits connected with the physical world, and putting on a huge front to all and sundry that all was well. I became so exhausted and bored with and disconnected from myself and my own brain that I couldn't even work out what had happened to me, let alone escape from it. I'm still having backsliding days and I have a terrifying work mail inbox I have yet to confront, but I'm definitely on the mend. It took a major and sudden illness in a close family member to finally snap me out of it. Oh me oh my. I love being INFJ, but the shadow ... never again, please, despite all the insights I've been gifted with as a result of falling down that well for so long.

 

[rooo]

My mother is an INFJ, and one that really doesn't handle stress well. It's a bit like walking on a minefield with her. What all of you describe she does, but at a much higher decibal level. Only thing I can do is stay out of her way. Sometimes she even throws childlike temper tantrums, stomping her feet and slamming doors. You cannot communicate with her. She's just like this wall of negativity. You say anything that causes her anxiety, she will come to the most overstreched conclusions and turn it into something really personal. In the car together I casually bring up the general topic of plastic surgery by saying "Everyone thinks their nose looks weird, even I have..." and wham! "You are obsessed! You need to get over that, it's solopsism!" as the car starts wobbling out of control. Oh how I hate when she uses her psychological terms. :steam: edit: to be fair, when she's had her guard down I have worried out loud about aging a couple times.

My mother is probably a bit special in the stress-dealing department, I'm guessing most INFJs don't become quite as scary. The thing is is that when my mother is open and relaxed, she is fantastic to talk to and you feel like you can confide in her. You just have to be careful though as she might just quietly come to some very exaggerated conclusions which she'll hurl at you when you're not expecting it.

 

[nightning]

My mother is an INFJ, and one that really doesn't handle stress well. It's a bit like walking on a minefield with her. What all of you describe she does, but at a much higher decibal level. Only thing I can do is stay out of her way. Sometimes she even throws childlike temper tantrums, stomping her feet and slamming doors. You cannot communicate with her. She's just like this wall of negativity. You say anything that causes her anxiety, she will come to the most overstreched conclusions and turn it into something really personal. In the car together I casually bring up the general topic of plastic surgery by saying "Everyone thinks their nose looks weird, even I have..." and wham! "You are obsessed! You need to get over that, it's solopsism!" as the car starts wobbling out of control. Oh how I hate when she uses her psychological terms. :steam: edit: to be fair, when she's had her guard down I have worried out loud about aging a couple times.

My mother is probably a bit special in the stress-dealing department, I'm guessing most INFJs don't become quite as scary. The thing is is that when my mother is open and relaxed, she is fantastic to talk to and you feel like you can confide in her. You just have to be careful though as she might just quietly come to some very exaggerated conclusions which she'll hurl at you when you're not expecting it.

Hmmmm overreactive Fe perhaps? Sometimes my mother goes through bouts of something similar to that. Becoming emotional about the topic of discussion and making references to things we weren't even talking about. Attempts to divert the talk onto more neutral grounds makes her even more upset. Because it seems to her we're trying to get her to be quiet before she got her point across when in reality we understood already but it wasn't relevant to the discussion. No door slams or throwing objects though thank goodness. Oh and she's ISFJ, not INFJ.

 

[mortabunt]

Stressed INFJ's act like trapped rats.

 

[mwv6r]

My mother is an INFJ, and one that really doesn't handle stress well. It's a bit like walking on a minefield with her. What all of you describe she does, but at a much higher decibal level. Only thing I can do is stay out of her way. Sometimes she even throws childlike temper tantrums, stomping her feet and slamming doors. You cannot communicate with her. She's just like this wall of negativity. You say anything that causes her anxiety, she will come to the most overstreched conclusions and turn it into something really personal. In the car together I casually bring up the general topic of plastic surgery by saying "Everyone thinks their nose looks weird, even I have..." and wham! "You are obsessed! You need to get over that, it's solopsism!" as the car starts wobbling out of control. Oh how I hate when she uses her psychological terms. :steam: edit: to be fair, when she's had her guard down I have worried out loud about aging a couple times.

That sounds like my ISFJ mother under stress, especially the bizarre conclusions. Are you sure your mom's INFJ?

I have trouble picturing an INFJ saying that. Then again, I'm the only INFJ that I know in real life, and just cause I wouldn't say it doesn't mean that other INFJs wouldn't. It very well may be an issue of overactive Fe, as someone else on this thread mentioned, and that could affect INFJs and ISFJs alike.

Where are some fellow INFJs hiding anyway? I'm really curious to meet another one.

 

[Ruby Tuesday]

Hola from a fellow INFJ! Rooo's Mom's behaviour doesn't sound very INFJish to me, either. Does sound a lot like my Mom, though!

 

[fill]

I become extremely cynical, but if I use Ti enough to swallow the stress and get over it, all of my emotion is expressed between a mix of Ni and Fe, which allows me to create some great art.

 

[harmonyizmine]

I became so exhausted and bored with and disconnected from myself and my own brain that I couldn't even work out what had happened to me, let alone escape from it. .

I soooo get this. Just yesterday, I was sitting and wondering who I was and how did I get so far away from who I am.

The summer time is CRAZY busy for my department. We are excited when we don't have to work weekends, or only have to put in an hour of overtime daily instead of 2 or 3.

I've been trying to figure out coping mechanisms for myself. I tend to go into this HYPER judging mode and all mistakes become a huge deal to me. I become very selfish and unfeeling. I have to be careful because I am a supervisor. Also, the main person I supervise is an INFP. I love her to death...but when I'm stressed and in HYPER J mode I get really irritated with her lack of organization (which is my problem, not hers) I'm constantly working on this.

When I'm not under stress, mistakes are ok. and they can be fixed. I work to find harmony in everything and care a lot more about the people not the problem. Sleeping and taking breaks has helped me a lot.

How do you guys cope when you get to this point? Do you try to not get to this point? What happens when it just slaps you in the back of the head out of the blue? *sigh* I'm trying to get better at this. I really don't like the person I become under extreme stress.

 

[Skyward]

[Repost, likely, but I don't mind enough to not post again]

When I get stressed I become aloof and hide. External stress cant really be dealt with without having some other external thing boost me along or until I realize the thing I was stressing over wasn't as big as I thought it was. Internal stress, like depression, is unreliable to remove. Sometimes just being a goof with friends helps it. I mean a MAJOR goof. Something akin to an ENFP on cocaine and Red Bull. Though it's a short burst, kind of a push to get through it then it isn't so bad.

not tasting food is very pertinent, not tasting anything really. can't hear music, can't see the trees, pretty much get no information whatsoever except that which fits perfectly into my present path as determined by the rut i am in. usually i'll become aware of something and kinda chuckle my way out of it, or at least release some steam until i am in a better place to get to the bottom of the situation.

I get something similar to this. I listen to loud, dark music and it's oddly soothing. Stuff like Dimmu Borgir and Turmion Kätilöt

 

[the state i am in]

i'm realizing that developing the ability to deal with stress more productively, withstand it without losing ground, breaking its waves and staying determined, focused, etc is really the principle thing i need to focus on to give myself the resources i need to do something productive. and a little more discipline.

routine, to some degree, does help us. employing many different techniques to control ourselves like our own marionette, but still maintaining a nice healthy god complex of self-determination and free willl. everything they say about infjs (and intjs probably too, for that matter) needing to spend serious effort and attention taking care of their physical health rings true for me. it's too easy to totally lose sight of Se, to get stuck in an NiTi self-justification loop, to become selfishly motivated e4 Fe examples of unhealth or undergoing a nice Fe implosion and going into hiding like an e5. we have to confront everything first with Fe to become strong, to develop confidence and composure and faith in our ability to navigate the external world. this is the first foundation for us to test ourselves and become realistic, to absorb negativity and be able to deflect it and redirect it into something more productive, losing the fear of being unable to control and maintain our own autonomy, our own values, and our sense of purpose.

 

[Ruby Tuesday]

All that has worked for me is a massive effort of will plus a new daily operating system that actually does motivate me to get things done rather than avoid and go into hiding because it appeals to the artist in me (it's a 'hipster PDA' type thing which is highly organised but also creative; never resorted to such before, but it's working). I've also grown to accept that while I'm a natural leader in temporary situations (i.e. training workshops) I am NOT a natural long-term manager of people, don't enjoy it, don't like myself when in such a role, shouldn't do it. If that affects my 'career' ladder, so be it. There comes a time when I have to work with what I have rather than pushing at its edges: supervising others (or more than 1 or 2 anyway) is the one place in my life where I've drawn that line. For everyone's sanity!

 

[SilkRoad]

Stress over things like job uncertainty (which I’m having some of at the moment) makes me irritable and causes me to worry more than necessary, but the real killer for me is emotional stress – which I seem to have really landed in again due to an unresolved situation with a guy I have feelings for.

Unfortunately, this produces in me very strong physical symptoms of nausea, inability to eat, and exhaustion (I’ve experienced this several times before and normally it is strong emotional stress). At the moment I am not sure how long it is going to last or how it will resolve. I could act immediately to try and resolve the situation – even if the outcome was negative, it might bring me some closure/ability to move on – but due to circumstances I am probably going to have to wait a month or two anyway (and who knows, I might lose my nerve then). I really hope this doesn’t last that long…

I really hate this stress reaction, and I don’t know how to change it. It can be quite debilitating and occasionally (not often) it pushes me to lash out in anger and frustration at the person who I think is causing it…which usually relieves the pressure for a short time, and then makes it worse when I realise what I’ve done. Talking with a sympathetic friend, which I did for several hours yesterday, is helpful, but the effects seem to be temporary.

 

[Fidelia]

I absolutely identify with that. I have very strong physical symptoms of nausea and exhaustion when I have unresolved emotional conflict. I also lash out occasionally when pushed to my very limits by a person I love, but then feel horribly and try to repair the damage. Usually it bothers me a lot more than them.

Stress about something uncertain, a long separation from someone I care about or whatever else can produce systems so strong I have honestly thought I had the stomach flu and been surprised when I was done with the event that I was unsure of (eg huge exam that could include a very wide range of topics) and it was okay, the symptoms vanished instantly. Same with leaving somewhere - I will feel sick for days about leaving people I care about and then as soon as I am in the car, it is fine.

Sometimes I find myself doing atypical things like watching long stretches of inane TV, doing things over and over, living on the computer etc. Everything in excess. Even things that I would normally buy for treats become daily fare in an attempt to feel better.

I also identify with what Ruby Tuesday said about long term management of many people.

When I have jobs to do that I do not know how to go at or which I have attempted without success, I tend to focus in on minute details and cannot see the forest for the trees. Then procrastination and inaction kick in, even when I understand intellectually what I am doing. I just don't know how to zoom back out and attack the thing. It tends to happen the more I care about doing a good job of something and results in not doing it or being rushed doing it.

If I have tried to solve something without success, I find my brain trying to avoid anything that would remind me about it or make me deal with it. This causes the problem to become much bigger in my mind than it really is in reality. It rarely happens, but when it does, it is a horrible feeling.

 

[Ruby Tuesday]

If I have tried to solve something without success, I find my brain trying to avoid anything that would remind me about it or make me deal with it. This causes the problem to become much bigger in my mind than it really is in reality. It rarely happens, but when it does, it is a horrible feeling.

Oh yikes I have gone through this so many times, and am stuck in such a whirlpool of my own making today as it happens. Any hints as to how to swim out greatly appreciated! (they seem to get worse each time too). (Will I never learn?)

 

[Fidelia]

I think if you have people to consult that have strengths in the areas you don't helps. Breaking it down to bite-sized pieces does too. But I also find I have a tendancy to hide the things about myself that I'm embarrassed of and in extreme cases deadlines that have gone past, so then I have to find a time to do it when those close to me believe it's already done with. That's rarely, but it does happen and is a terrible fault of mine and also adds to the already big burden of guilt.

 

[Ruby Tuesday]

Oh yea, oh yea. I'm in that club. (And as someone raised Catholic - though I'm not now - the guilt and shame can be overwhelming). Yet none of that is enough sometimes to press me to just 'get on with it'. Which is absurb. For an adult, supposedly intelligent person. I sometimes wonder though if there are lots of people like us, who are just scraping by in this why and living 'furtively', you know?

 

[Im gelir ceni ad lín]

Don't worry I recently discovered a rather large workload coming up and I've had the same symptoms. Inability to eat, sleeplessness, physically feeling quite ill. Stess is good for sending the body into a mess of biological responses that seem "over-reactive". I find a good novel with some interesting characters quickly restores my to my self again as well as problem solving.

 

[Ruby Tuesday]

Unfortunately reading has been my main route for procrastination / avoidance since I was about 3, so it just feeds my whirlpools! It's so true what Alice Miller says in 'The Drama of the Gifted Child': what can save you in childhood can really mess you up as an adult.

 

[Jaded Idealist]

I notice a running theme here: we INFJs have a big huge desire to fulfill our sense of purpose and express our genuine sentiments that constantly gets shortchanged, and in the real world, that tends to equal massive amounts of stress. It's not unlike the ENFJ, except they are more reliant on other people (who are basically good) to attain their fulfillment, whereas for the INFJ the blind hustle and bustle of other people and their small talk is so sufficiently "fake", so tarnished by human excess and scorn, as to be a liability.

Is INFJ possibly the most stressed out type overall?