[ENFJ] Frustrated ENFJ

[shimsham]

So I readily admit that I'm not all that well-versed in MBTI, but from what I've read of ENFJs it seems like you guys pretty much have everything going for yourselves.

What makes you frustrated? I just found out that my boyfriend is ENFJ, so I'm curious what problems commonly arise for the type.

 

[Goatman455]

There *is* no upshot. There really really isn't.

You will always be too intense. Too isolated. Too "much". Too solitary. You're none of the ESFJ good things, you're none of the INFJ good things.

Enjoy your shock collar.

Yikes, what happened, the other day I saw a post by you claiming to like your ENFJ, what caused the change?

There are certainly upsides to ENFJ, the fact that you actually think like this is one. Self-Doubt is a good thing, and if more people had it the world would be a kinder and better place.


"Well. It just seems to me that I'm constantly getting told that I'm too much even when I'm behaving myself. ESFJs are grounded and fun. INFJs are mysterious and sparkly."

Hey what about ENFP? Just kidding.

Well this is an ENF thing I am sure, this happens to me too. I frequently get frustrated and wish I was someone else, this is a strength though too, being able to understand your weaknesses.

My suggestion is take their comments and try and change, don't be stubborn, tone it down. If you don't think you need to change and everyone else does, this is going to cause you internal (and external) strife. You have to make a decision about what you need to do if this comes up, do you do what you think you should do, or what others think you should do?

 

[Happyman]

I know I'm not the only ENFJ who feels as if they get doused with water with some frequency. I remember having a conversation with Protean ages ago -- she and I were chafed by the whole "just calm down" statement even when we aren't upset.

OMG! It's a story of my life. It pissed me off big way, so I've learned to just respond: 'Me? I'm calm. You should calm down!' Absurd behaviour, but at least they got as confused as I was.

Yeah, we're intensive. And to make it funnier - unaware of that. To make it even worse, there aren't too much people similar to us, so we feel.. different. That's why this formu rocks so much!

I was regularly told that I have something 'demonic' in my eyes (the dracula-eye-brows ain't helping too).
My friend once told me that when I enter a room, the whole vibe changes (which can create or kill a party, depending on my mood).

*Shouts: 'Oh, thank God! I'm not alone!' in Bill Hicks kinda manner.*

 

[Goatman455]

OMG! It's a story of my life. It pissed me off big way, so I've learned to just respond: 'Me? I'm calm. You should calm down!' Absurd behaviour, but at least they got as confused as I was.

Yeah, we're intensive. And to make it funnier - unaware of that. To make it even worse, there aren't too much people similar to us, so we feel.. different. That's why this formu rocks so much!

I was regularly told that I have something 'demonic' in my eyes (the dracula-eye-brows ain't helping too).
My friend once told me that when I enter a room, the whole vibe changes (which can create or kill a party, depending on my mood).

*Shouts: 'Oh, thank God! I'm not alone!' in Bill Hicks kinda manner.*

Yeah, I know an ENFJ who always says that "People are constantly telling me to calm down, and I am not emotional".

I think sometimes since ENFJs are Fe dominant, it just comes out of them naturally. Even when you are stimulated, it isn't a big deal for you, so other people tend to take it maybe too personally. That said, I think ENFs could use a dose of calming down from time to time, so maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Still, I am sure it get's annoying as hell.

"'Me? I'm calm. You should calm down!'"

Lol, that's funny. Great response. Ahh irony.

Don't let it bother you, Ns are frequently misunderstood, we are a minority and minorities are always misunderstood, I wouldn't let it bother you too much.

 

[Thalassa]

I'm intense. I've been told by other people that I'm too much sometimes, but it's only when I feel strongly about something. I don't go around in an overly extroverted manner seeking people to help or anything, but yeah, I'm intense. I've had people in my classes at school get annoyed because I get so passionate about certain issues.

I don't know if that's the kind of "intense" we're talking about here though.

 

[MmmCrazy]

AHHHHH I can't keep up with this thread!

when I started to reach dating age, I got a whole other level of "control" flung at me from guys who apparently either wanted to throw a saddle on my back or make me feel insecure by criticizing my personality.

^THIS! Pink, this totally happened to me, too! It does feel like rejection! I hate it!

 

[nynesneg]

I didn't mean to scare that woman! Apparently I could read aloud the panel on a cereal box and sound intense.

Awwww... I know this isn't want you intended, but that came across particularly funny. I can just imagine you now as being an amazing actor reading the panel of a cereal box in a commercial.

I keep mine on because I hate the idea that I'm, by nature, harmful to people. How can that be? That can't be right.

I have always been afraid of the Choleric tendencies.(switching to a different personality matrix for a moment) I was mortified at the thought I could naturally be a domineering controlling insensitive person, because I was so resentful of growing up with a dominant parent. In my personality tests I always showed up Sanguine-Melancholy, because I never wanted to be Choleric. Only in my teens did I realize it could be a good thing to be someone "destined to be a mover and shaker of society" as an adult friend explained. As long as I can be the "benevolent ruler" personality, which doesn't step over people's feelings accidentally then I'm content.

I resent the inference that it's MY fault that someone is feeling overwhelmed when I'm hardly cracking the throttle. I get simultaneously embarrassed and angry. It's a form of rejection.

But it's a part of who we are. Just think, when we are healthy ENFJs with such extraoarinary enthusiasm and passion, we can make someone's world infinitely better. It is a powerful gift we hold, which in the right circumstances can benefit tremendously.
I can however completely relate. The most frustrating time for me was when I was younger, coming out of depression, and deeply seeking a religious christian experience. I have never felt such intense desire in my life, it was absolutely incredible! Unfortunately for me an adult confidant (ENFP) told me I was such an intense person I drove people close to me away from me just because of this. (wtf?!) She told me that "however she could understand", and apparently she was the only one who I hadn't "driven away" yet.

I'm intense. I've been told by other people that I'm too much sometimes, but it's only when I feel strongly about something.

Yeah, I can relate to that. But I think for ENFJs it's almost even more than that, perhaps general intensity in our eyes and voice which conveys our emotions at a given time.

Yeah, we're intensive. And to make it funnier - unaware of that. To make it even worse, there aren't too much people similar to us, so we feel.. different. That's why this forum rocks so much!

Yep. I'd love to meet another ENFJ here. Perhaps I even know some, but I'm just in denial of my personality having potential to be something I admire as the other ENFJs I might know.

 

[mwv6r]

There *is* no upshot. There really really isn't.

You will always be too intense. Too isolated. Too "much". Too solitary. You're none of the ESFJ good things, you're none of the INFJ good things.

Enjoy your shock collar.

Aww, enjoy your ENFJness! From what I've seen in real life and read here, y'all are charming, ambitious, almost always "on" (holy crap, do you know how exhausting it is for an INFJ to be "on" for extended periods?), and know how to take life by the balls. Sometimes I contemplate taking life by the balls... but then I think about how much energy it would take and how many people I'd have to talk to....

 

[PoprocksAndCoke]

Well. It just seems to me that I'm constantly getting told that I'm too much even when I'm behaving myself. ESFJs are grounded and fun. INFJs are mysterious and sparkly.

I fall in a bad place between them. The hard parts.

I love you.

 

[MmmCrazy]

My INFP friends always look at me and say "breaaaaathe" when I'm complaining about something small. It always catches me off guard, as in, was I freaking out? I didn't think I was. Apparently I've hurt others feelings by being "very aggressive" when I thought I was just asking a simple question.

How much of ourselves are we supposed to hold back before we can be accepted? ): I'd like to know...

 

[Domino]

Holding back is all I do. I cut loose and get slapped with a strait jacket.

Sandra Bullock said one of the reasons she married Jesse was because he wasn't afraid of her. She's INFJ and he seems ESFP. I immediately related to what she meant.

 

[proteanmix]

Holding back is all I do. I cut loose and get slapped with a strait jacket.

Sandra Bullock said one of the reasons she married Jesse was because he wasn't afraid of her. She's INFJ and he seems ESFP. I immediately related to what she meant.

Thank you! although I lean towards extrovert for her. I've read a quite a few interviews and she says things that makes me think she's and extrovert.

I read this one a couple of weeks ago: Sandra Bullock | Parade.com

And this one earlier this year: She's Strong, She's Sexy, She's Sandra Bullock: Magazine: glamour.com

She appeared in the doorway, a tornado of light, energy and happiness, and said, “Hi, I’m Sandy; come on in!” She made me feel so comfortable: We sat down, bantered back and forth, and found we had the exact same sense of humor—somehow the word vagina came out of my mouth within the first five minutes, and Sandy busted up laughing. She talked to me as if I’d known her for years, mentioning her husband, Jesse [James, founder of a custom motorcycle company], as if we were picking up a conversation from the week before. I drove home, called the film’s producers and said, “I love her—I hope she feels the same.”

If we came across a scene that wasn’t working, she would sit at the monitor, trying to figure it out with every ounce of her being. If you talked about something you liked, the next day she’d find it for you. I mentioned this antique ring I had that once belonged to a woman during World War II. She tracked down a necklace from that time period and gave it to me. I thought, Who does that? But it’s not about the gifts—she pays attention to the people around her. Sandy loves her job but is not defined by it.

 

[Glycerine]

aww I think I can be a bit too intense for people also. People around me We all have our quirks.

 

[Unkindloving]

I'm still defining if i'm ENFJ or not and why, but your sentiment to start this thread is further swaying to me. I often find myself toning down intensity or banishing it to certain forms of indirect expression (even if such expressions are publicly available).
The reasons i've found a lack of clarity is because of the positive characteristics associated with ENFJ at first glance. It makes it sound as if our desire to care is all-encompassing and i can't swallow that whole. I don't care about the vast majority of people, but those that i do have my full focus. The main times i find fault and really withdraw is when i'm found to be too intense in some way.
Hm.

Regardless of personality type discussion that i have a ways to go before really grasping, i find that intense people need to find the joy in their own intensity. It may come equipped with a strong desire for acceptance, but a lack of it is merely a loss for others. There can be a lot to be proud of in being viewed as "Too" something. Analyze why you can be overwhelming and the purpose of it and how it could benefit.. then embrace it if you can.

 

[Venom]

I actually remember telling this to someone over a year ago:

"if i could weed out people that are not friend/SO material using one criteria: Can they handle my intensity?"

I actually think part of why I acted somewhat introverted in high school and college is that so many people didnt respond well to my intensity. I decided to only show it to people that I knew could handle it (less than 10 people/my good friends). I did let myself go wild when on stage or presenting though. I loved theatric outlets. It was the one place I was appreciated for intensity. Secondly, kids love intensity. It helps them view whatever you are doing as "more fun".

 

[Domino]

An ENFJ recently came at my sister (when I wasn't there - because if I had been, I would have come at him with my horns lowered) and I was so astonished by this guy's meanness and hostage-taking that it drew me up. I suddenly saw this behavior in glaring Technicolor, and thought "is this what people are talking about when they talk about ENFJ-Gone-Bad behavior?" It was really horrible. I've never in my life done that to anyone and could not conscience doing it, and it just made me want to tear my hair out, like "Thanks for the further bad advertising, man!"

Plus, you don't mess with my sister. I mean it. Don't be turning that Fe-bludgeon on my sister or you'll get my business end in a hurry. It offended me.

Consider me super frustrated now.

 

[wren]

i would love to be an enfj! no doubt about it! do i have what it takes, is all i ask?

i love enfj characters in movies and novels, my favorite, especially romantic novels. i generally feel a sympathetic response to male enfjs, they are so sympathetic to me!

maybe i've got the vibes wrong however. maybe i am the enfj and project my own feelings on to others, i can't see the forest for the trees and then there's so much chatter?

tell me in a word or two how enfj and infj differ and i may well have solved the riddle of my own typology.

 

[Lauren]

Intense people are the BEST! That's part of why I like ENFJs.

Oh, I so agree! I love intense people, and the more different and quirky the better. I agree with Udog that they need to be cut some slack in some areas (don't we all need that) for all the other good, kind things they do for people. And, for all their incredible energy.

 

[Afkan]

There *is* no upshot. There really really isn't.

You will always be too intense. Too isolated. Too "much". Too solitary. You're none of the ESFJ good things, you're none of the INFJ good things.

Enjoy your shock collar.

I have read of few pages of replies, but not all. Some are nice and comforting but don't seem to hit the point that maybe only an ENFJ can understand:

ENFJ is a lonely role. To others we [make sure to] appear shining, bright stars, full of happiness and energy and passion for life & people and motivating and inspiring...

but sometimes when we are *really* alone with ourselves, we feel like big projection screens, void of our own identity.

 

[Robert165]

I have read of few pages of replies, but not all. Some are nice and comforting but don't seem to hit the point that maybe only an ENFJ can understand:

ENFJ is a lonely role. To others we [make sure to] appear shining, bright stars, full of happiness and energy and passion for life & people and motivating and inspiring...

but sometimes when we are *really* alone with ourselves, we feel like big projection screens, void of our own identity.

i think you have to learn to calm down then and regualte your emotions/intensity a bit. i'm a lot more mellow than i used to be and a lot happier and i no longer overwhelm people.