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[ENFJ] Frustrated ENFJ

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
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Apr 23, 2007
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There is nothing wrong with intensity, as long as you can properly direct it.

Yes, but I think interpersonally, one on one, it's referred to as "drama," or in Fe speak "clingy" and "dependent." How does one properly direct intensity in intimate relationships? I guess people like it in the bedroom, but what do it's other incarnations look like that doesn't set people off? I think that when it's dispersed among a group of people no one person is getting the brunt of it. It's like Cyclops from X-men always wear your shades and nobody gets hurt.
 

MacGuffin

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Yes, but I think interpersonally, one on one, it's referred to as "drama," or in Fe speak "clingy" and "dependent." How does one properly direct intensity in intimate relationships? I guess people like it in the bedroom, but what do it's other incarnations look like that doesn't set people off? I think that when it's dispersed among a group of people no one person is getting the brunt of it. It's like Cyclops from X-men always wear your shades and nobody gets hurt.

Back off woman! Dang! All I did was make a post!





















;)
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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It's like Cyclops from X-men always wear your shades and nobody gets hurt.

Precisely.

I was speaking to an ISTP about a private matter, issues pertaining to one's personality and the speed bumps because of it. His personality, even amongst his type, is very special and specific, like a super model he's 1% of the 1%. The way he's built to function inclines him toward endurance of the extremes and not just endurance but thriving in them. Not every ISTP is Bond, but he is, and I found it interesting that he was initially perplexed by this, like there was something wrong with him.

There's nothing wrong with him. He's just very very different. One day he'll become some sort of legendary figure. Just a matter of time really.

Enfjs -Why do we option to keep the shades on? Why do we have to go to that unnatural length to "protect" people from what we are? What's so wrong with us? I keep mine on because I hate the idea that I'm, by nature, harmful to people. How can that be? That can't be right.
 

The Grand Chameleon

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Intensity, how it is seen by the masses, is usually equated with some erratic expression of emotion or action. While introverts might undergo intensity by your definition (which is also mine), they don't necessarily undergo intensity by the former one. Introverts direct this intensity inwards, while we express it outwards. It is thus extremely able for witnesses to observe our type and wish for us to control it. Rather than take it personally and beat yourself up, treat it as a simple matter of semantics and you'll be pillaging villages without a care in the world.

Enfjs -Why do we option to keep the shades on? Why do we have to go to that unnatural length to "protect" people from what we are? What's so wrong with us? I keep mine on because I hate the idea that I'm, by nature, harmful to people. How can that be? That can't be right.

I like to think Cyclops wears those glasses so that he is better able to control that chaos spurting from his retinas. He knows, like in your case, that if left unchecked his nature is innately harmful to those around him. But what did he do? He embraced the glasses, directed his focus towards manipulating his, "curse," and it then became a, "gift." He now uses it to save those same lives that were once in danger of it. And I guarantee you at that moment where your intensity will save someone, his/her tongue will be kept sharply in check.
 

The Grand Chameleon

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I disagree with this. ENFJs much more than any type IMO, must guard against vengeful behavior. When feeling insecure it's fairly easy for them to work their Fe coupled with Ni to pull strings behind the scenes and cause confusion. Whenever I have an issue with an ENFJ, such deceptive behavior is usually the main cause of it. I don't think your advice would be the solution to frustration; it would be the cause of more frustration once others realize what's going on and begin to distrust/dislike the ENFJ.

Where an ESFJ might manipulate for personal gain, the ENFJ will manipulate for the greater cause. It is up to the manipulee (s) to understand the larger picture, and take pride in knowing they are but one cell of many working to keep the body alive.

One a side note, my humor is not conducive to you? D=
 

Lauren Ashley

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Where an ESFJ might manipulate for personal gain, the ENFJ will manipulate for the greater cause.
Or what they see as the greater cause. Which is highly subjective and at times, very questionable.

It is up to the manipulee (s) to understand the larger picture, and take pride in knowing they are but one cell of many working to keep the body alive.
People are not pawns in the ENFJ's game of life chess.

One a side note, my humor is not conducive to you? D=
I think you're quite hilarious. But I don't want anyone to take your jokes seriously :)
 

g_vartan

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...
Enfjs -Why do we option to keep the shades on? Why do we have to go to that unnatural length to "protect" people from what we are? What's so wrong with us? I keep mine on because I hate the idea that I'm, by nature, harmful to people. How can that be? That can't be right.

here are some of my reasons:

we keep the shades on to make others happy. we hold back. a lot. my external persona is pretty opposite to what i think/feel about myself.

honestly, i'm not really "protecting" others. i'm really trying to protect myself. sad to say, i derive my a lot happiness from others. its harder to keep up though as i get older. i sometimes think i spread myself too thin so that i don't have to be too intense and focus my attention just on one issue/person.

what's wrong with us? we care too much about everything/others. there's a lot of insecurity underneath the facade. i sometimes wish i was an xNTx and can hang-up my ENFJ cape. fortunately or unfortunately, this is the only way i know how to live -- with intensity and passion. my motto tends to be "go big or go home." i find that the key is finding folks that can handle that intensity. currently, i have it in nice bite size intensity chunks spread among my friends. now, if i can only find a romantic partner who can handle the whole intense meal :doh:
 

The Grand Chameleon

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I think you're quite hilarious. But I don't want anyone to take your jokes seriously

I concur. If anyone should seriously take my humor as the infallible word of a higher power, *insert joke*

I shall remember the name Lauren Ashley. Mainly because it is the only first and last name I've come across, but also because you make stress on my modus operandi. Not to be alarmed, for an ENFJ thrives on stressors that ultimately lead to self-improvement.
 

Lauren Ashley

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I shall remember the name Lauren Ashley. Mainly because it is the only first and last name I've come across, but also because you make stress on my modus operandi.

It's actually a two-word first name. But carry on my Hawaiian ENFJ Care Bear. You're on a roll.
 

Thursday

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Enfjs -Why do we option to keep the shades on? Why do we have to go to that unnatural length to "protect" people from what we are? What's so wrong with us? I keep mine on because I hate the idea that I'm, by nature, harmful to people. How can that be? That can't be right.

I watched Fringe and then thought of my friend who is an ENFJ to come up with this :

ENFJs are inverted empaths
meaning that their emotions affect the outer world, precisely.
When you feel down, the whole room is in the pits
When you are levitating, the room is flying.
 

Skyward

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I watched Fringe and then thought of my friend who is an ENFJ to come up with this :

ENFJs are inverted empaths
meaning that their emotions affect the outer world, precisely.
When you feel down, the whole room is in the pits
When you are levitating, the room is flying.

That makes a good deal of sense. Fe is basically 'Fi pushed outside' and since it's the 'energy gain' main function of an EFJ, it makes it sound like there's a big pressure inside of the EFJ if they can't release the intensity.
 

SpottingTrains

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here are some of my reasons:

we keep the shades on to make others happy. we hold back. a lot. my external persona is pretty opposite to what i think/feel about myself.

honestly, i'm not really "protecting" others. i'm really trying to protect myself. sad to say, i derive my a lot happiness from others. its harder to keep up though as i get older. i sometimes think i spread myself too thin so that i don't have to be too intense and focus my attention just on one issue/person.

what's wrong with us? we care too much about everything/others. there's a lot of insecurity underneath the facade. i sometimes wish i was an xNTx and can hang-up my ENFJ cape. fortunately or unfortunately, this is the only way i know how to live -- with intensity and passion. my motto tends to be "go big or go home." i find that the key is finding folks that can handle that intensity. currently, i have it in nice bite size intensity chunks spread among my friends. now, if i can only find a romantic partner who can handle the whole intense meal :doh:

I really liked the part about trying to spread out the intensity.

I have a hard time trying to hold back how strongly I feel about certain situations. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with everything around me and I'm off the hook in what most people would deem a normal situation. While other times when others are having a great time I feel disconnected and have an intense disappointment with the whole situation. Trying to find that happy medium that is socially acceptable is the tough part...but at the same time I almost don't want to.

Maybe that is where the intense disappointment stems from. Toning down the level of my intensity to a group norm just drains me of any interest. Sure I get by but is it really worth it?

I think the trick is finding people people who enjoy the intensity and feed off of it...should be a piece of cake...
:boohoo:
 

Jonathanthegreat

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There *is* no upshot. There really really isn't.

You will always be too intense. Too isolated. Too "much". Too solitary. You're none of the ESFJ good things, you're none of the INFJ good things.

Enjoy your shock collar.

Hey be happy. A good quote for you is this : "Go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated." You being an ENFJ means that you are a good natured and gregarious person. Find people that love you for you, there are 6.5 BILLION people on this planet. You'll find a group of folks who will celebrate you :)
 

MrME

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There *is* no upshot. There really really isn't.

Ridiculous. :) Some months ago, my workplace hired an ENFJ and she sits right behind me. She was very quick and adept at making friends with pretty much everybody on the staff. She's smart and amiable, probably the most extraverted one on staff. She's very good at her job, very quick to create emotional bonds with customers during even the shortest of encounters. This ability gives her an edge not only at work, but in many social situations. Personally, I'm a little jealous of it.

You will always be too intense. Too isolated. Too "much". Too solitary. You're none of the ESFJ good things, you're none of the INFJ good things.

"Too" is subjective. What's too intense for one person may be just the right intensity for another. Remember that you can't be all things to all people. There will always be somebody that you rub the wrong way; this is true for all of us.

ENFJ, to me, is like INFJ, but without the wall around you. That wall has been my biggest obstacle in life, too many times I wished I was able to simply drop my guard and be ultra-friendly with people. ENFJs do this with surprising ease, it seems. Again, it's an ability I am jealous of.

We all need to remember that we all embody positive and negative traits. We are all Yin and Yang, and if we had no negative aspects, then we would have no positive. Focus on the positive. Only then does your full potential reveal itself to you. Focusing on your negative aspects is a sure-fire road to failure and misery.

Do I sound like some kind of cut-rate Yoda, here? heehee...
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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My enfp sister told me last night that the Cyclops sunglasses were to protect people from what they THINK enfjs are like, not what we ARE like. I found that to be a very interesting statement.
 
G

Glycerine

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I really like ENFJs. I am rather envious of their charisma and charm.
 

Domino

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I really like ENFJs. I am rather envious of their charisma and charm.

And we are envious of your cosmic minerals and therefore must lick them off like deranged butterflies from outer space.
 

Skyward

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And we are envious of your cosmic minerals and therefore must lick them off like deranged butterflies from outer space.

How about more like a cat? It's more of a stretch but I find being tongue-mauled by a cat less scary than being... proboscis-ed by giant alien butterflies.
 

Domino

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Cats are predictable and overt about their people grooming habits and hence, are way less scary. Now, I've been chased by butterflies quite a lot in my life and I can only assume that I have a very high quality mineral content. :D
 

Thursday

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My enfp sister told me last night that the Cyclops sunglasses were to protect people from what they THINK enfjs are like, not what we ARE like. I found that to be a very interesting statement.

especially so - remember the Fe and vulnerability thing we discussed?
the what they "think" vs. "are" is another mechanism to protect them from us

"my heart has some dangerous neighborhoods, so beware where you try to go"
Ani DiFranco
 
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