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Thread: Frustrated ENFJ

  1. #101
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Afkan View Post
    I have read of few pages of replies, but not all. Some are nice and comforting but don't seem to hit the point that maybe only an ENFJ can understand:

    ENFJ is a lonely role. To others we [make sure to] appear shining, bright stars, full of happiness and energy and passion for life & people and motivating and inspiring...

    but sometimes when we are *really* alone with ourselves, we feel like big projection screens, void of our own identity.
    I completely agree with this... Everything I feel is so intense (some would even say exaggerated) that no one really relates to it & the world feels very different for me. I hope Robert's right & it can be controlled better with time. I never even thought I was anything near "sensitive" until my relationships matured & I realized how alone I feel when I stop walking on eggshells. And projecting so much outward (whether or not I'm holding back) can be so occupying & overwhelming that I never really know where it is coming from. So I don't feel like even I can relate to myself sometimes.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

  2. #102
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    I completely agree with this... Everything I feel is so intense (some would even say exaggerated) that no one really relates to it & the world feels very different for me. I hope Robert's right & it can be controlled better with time. I never even thought I was anything near "sensitive" until my relationships matured & I realized how alone I feel when I stop walking on eggshells. And projecting so much outward (whether or not I'm holding back) can be so occupying & overwhelming that I never really know where it is coming from. So I don't feel like even I can relate to myself sometimes.
    I've felt the same exact way. It can be controlled, but sometimes the outlook it comes with is too apparent. I think time will let you relate more to yourself, but it will feel more isolating.

    I've always felt an extra layer of "misunderstood" and it caused me to understand myself even if i'm more likely to neglect myself for others. I used to walk on eggshells for friends and it would feel empty. I found out that they even had issues with my subdued self and that's when i stopped hindering myself in most situations. It's difficult and that's fine. Coming across places like this is good for it.
    My recent development is that, when misunderstood, i strive to explain myself to others. It's not an act that i need. I don't require people to understand, but i see them being more benefited if they can understand in the slightest. Potential/Teaching/Harmony/Etc.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


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  3. #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert165 View Post
    i think you have to learn to calm down then and regualte your emotions/intensity a bit. i'm a lot more mellow than i used to be and a lot happier and i no longer overwhelm people.
    So you are saying then that you never feel the way I described?

    Seems to me there is a possibility that you want ENFJ secrets kept secrets I want to speak the truth. Its the only way to show we aren't so bad, to completely expose the inner-workings of our brains. Since most feel ENFJs hide vulnerabilities. We are human too, just like any other type

    I do overwhelm people sometimes, and do need to regulate my emotions/intensity. For me, overwhelming people is a separate issue.

    Below, I was referring to the pressure to perform talents and make ppl feel good... and basing an identity on that. Living through other people. Being so addicted to that feeling of connectedness, so that when I'm alone completing to do's I know who I am past the external world. Its a side effect of extroversion + well.... all the rest of being enfj.

    Keirsey wrote a bit about the identity trouble phenomenon of the ENFJ in one of his books. Something about the teacher pedagogue loving interacting with people so much that they take on the gestures and facial expressions of others... and b/c of the NF drive for identity, genuineness, and authenticity, our Fe smacks us in the face- its a contradiction of sorts. ENFJs take on the values of others. When looking at the ENFJ from certain vantage points, our identities are the values of others (Fe).

    "ENFJ is a lonely role. To others we [make sure to] appear shining, bright stars, full of happiness and energy and passion for life & people and motivating and inspiring...

    but sometimes when we are *really* alone with ourselves, we feel like big projection screens, void of our own identity. "

  4. #104
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    I know that this doesn't solve anything, but I would like to (re-)iterate that, IME, we INFP's ADORE you ENFJ's, and also you all are much better about hiding your inner moods and struggles and stuff from other people than we are, unless you count our apparently-emotionless-staring-off-into-space thing as "hiding"

  5. #105
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scott N Denver View Post
    I know that this doesn't solve anything, but I would like to (re-)iterate that, IME, we INFP's ADORE you ENFJ's, and also you all are much better about hiding your inner moods and struggles and stuff from other people than we are, unless you count our apparently-emotionless-staring-off-into-space thing as "hiding"
    One of my closest female friends is INFP and she does do that. I personally don't view it as hiding. Even if something is going on behind it, it's too obvious!
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

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    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  6. #106
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    *sigh.... I want to remind everyone, us enfjs, our lamenting should be taken lightly. Any enfj, feel free to disagree with me in case I am overgeneralizing. But take it lightly only bc if it translated to another type it would be... idk, it wouldn't translate probably. Lost in translation!

    ENFJ Lamenting = Personal Growth Process

    ENFJs like to look at their vulnerabilities and insecurities and weaknesses bc we want to achieve our full potential.

    Self-Actualization! Abraham Maslow--> ENFJ, did you know that?

    Its my understanding that ENFJs aren't seeking pats on the shoulder, we want to share our personal growth with others.

    Our internal dialogue may seem rough to other types but its WHO WE ARE.

    Sure we can mellow out, but we will never be happy or be ourselves or achieve what we want if we are not constantly assessing our personal growth.

    Ever since I can remember, any relationship I've seen as a teacher to student, student to teacher relationship and I find out quickly what I can teach the person and generally what they might teach me (ooh learning... makes me giddy!!!)

  7. #107
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Afkan View Post
    *sigh.... I want to remind everyone, us enfjs, our lamenting should be taken lightly. Any enfj, feel free to disagree with me in case I am overgeneralizing. But take it lightly only bc if it translated to another type it would be... idk, it wouldn't translate probably. Lost in translation!

    ENFJ Lamenting = Personal Growth Process

    ENFJs like to look at their vulnerabilities and insecurities and weaknesses bc we want to achieve our full potential.

    Self-Actualization! Abraham Maslow--> ENFJ, did you know that?

    Its my understanding that ENFJs aren't seeking pats on the shoulder, we want to share our personal growth with others.

    Our internal dialogue may seem rough to other types but its WHO WE ARE.

    Sure we can mellow out, but we will never be happy or be ourselves or achieve what we want if we are not constantly assessing our personal growth.

    Ever since I can remember, any relationship I've seen as a teacher to student, student to teacher relationship and I find out quickly what I can teach the person and generally what they might teach me (ooh learning... makes me giddy!!!)
    Hello, we INFP's also can learn much form our lamenting and thinking and whining and what all too. I am a firm believer that INFP's and ENFJ's are very similar creatures, we just go about things in opposite ways. Lenore Thomson talks about this. And the Kroeger-Theusen MBTI couple called US [INFP's] "the self-actualization junkies", you all [ENFJ's] got "the relationship junkies" from them.


    You all are generally much more driven than we are though...

  8. #108
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    Quote Originally Posted by MmmCrazy View Post
    My INFP friends always look at me and say "breaaaaathe" when I'm complaining about something small. It always catches me off guard, as in, was I freaking out? I didn't think I was. Apparently I've hurt others feelings by being "very aggressive" when I thought I was just asking a simple question.
    Its just our expressiveness. And when an INFP says breaaaaathe, they most likely really like you, enjoy offering you some helpful advice.
    When my INFP friend tells me breaaaaaathe, it means she adores me. Not that she disapproves of me. She even tells me so- just ask. She finds it amusing (in an I-admire-you-for-being-you way) and laughs and thinks I might pass out if I don't breathe, bc I tend to hyperventilate when I 'm excited (cuz I'm talking too fast). INFPs want everyone to be who they are, not to bend or conform to another's desires.

    Quote Originally Posted by MmmCrazy View Post
    How much of ourselves are we supposed to hold back before we can be accepted? ): I'd like to know...
    Is that really what you seek, acceptance, above all other things? I bet if you're like me acceptance is a sorry consolation prize when compared to what you really want.

    Seeking Acceptance is instant gratification for an ENFJ! Its the easy way out! Remember what your goal is... what do you really want?

  9. #109
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    My emotions are in Technicolor, and I tend to retreat from people when I'm overloaded because I absorb so much of the people around me, that it can feel schizophrenic and chaotic to the point of me resenting it deeply and wanting to put my head down on my knees and shut the world out.

    I wouldn't call it a chameleon. I wouldn't call it a shape shifter. I *know*, without a doubt, who I am, what I am, what I'm made of. I feel strongly defined *internally*. Externally, there are so many things acting on me, buffeting against me, it feels almost like an autistic who can't screen out stimuli. You learn over time some measure of control, but Rogue can't touch people without absorbing them. That's just the way it is.

    I am so much myself that others can use me as a guide, much like dead reckoning by the stars. I'm not very extroverted, need a lot of alone time and personal space, and can be wracked by endlessly shifting moods (I get that from my INFJ father), but never do I feel as if I am not myself. What becomes the real quandary is where to place myself amidst the turgid wash and flow of souls around me. I'm in a constant state of flux, inside and out, sometimes to degrees I find maddening and upsetting.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
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    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  10. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scott N Denver View Post
    Hello, we INFP's also can learn much form our lamenting and thinking and whining and what all too. I am a firm believer that INFP's and ENFJ's are very similar creatures, we just go about things in opposite ways. Lenore Thomson talks about this. And the Kroeger-Theusen MBTI couple called US [INFP's] "the self-actualization junkies", you all [ENFJ's] got "the relationship junkies" from them.
    You all are generally much more driven than we are though...
    Lol...really? No way (abt the Kroeger Theusen stuff). I SO have to get Lenore Thomson's book.

    I agree, INFPs and ENFJs are very similar. And we do view things from different perspectives- opposite I mean- like the "Mirror" relations of Socionics.
    I think that INFPs understand me better than most. No worries there. In fact, my INFP friend, I enjoy lamenting to her more than anyone else. And she to me, we say so all the time.
    My sigh was a general sigh...not in reply to your post

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