She appeared in the doorway, a tornado of light, energy and happiness, and said, “Hi, I’m Sandy; come on in!” She made me feel so comfortable: We sat down, bantered back and forth, and found we had the exact same sense of humor—somehow the word vagina came out of my mouth within the first five minutes, and Sandy busted up laughing. She talked to me as if I’d known her for years, mentioning her husband, Jesse [James, founder of a custom motorcycle company], as if we were picking up a conversation from the week before. I drove home, called the film’s producers and said, “I love her—I hope she feels the same.”
If we came across a scene that wasn’t working, she would sit at the monitor, trying to figure it out with every ounce of her being. If you talked about something you liked, the next day she’d find it for you. I mentioned this antique ring I had that once belonged to a woman during World War II. She tracked down a necklace from that time period and gave it to me. I thought, Who does that? But it’s not about the gifts—she pays attention to the people around her. Sandy loves her job but is not defined by it.
Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship. Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts Social Penetration Theory 1 Social Penetration Theory 2 Social Penetration Theory 3
I'm still defining if i'm ENFJ or not and why, but your sentiment to start this thread is further swaying to me. I often find myself toning down intensity or banishing it to certain forms of indirect expression (even if such expressions are publicly available).
The reasons i've found a lack of clarity is because of the positive characteristics associated with ENFJ at first glance. It makes it sound as if our desire to care is all-encompassing and i can't swallow that whole. I don't care about the vast majority of people, but those that i do have my full focus. The main times i find fault and really withdraw is when i'm found to be too intense in some way.
Regardless of personality type discussion that i have a ways to go before really grasping, i find that intense people need to find the joy in their own intensity. It may come equipped with a strong desire for acceptance, but a lack of it is merely a loss for others. There can be a lot to be proud of in being viewed as "Too" something. Analyze why you can be overwhelming and the purpose of it and how it could benefit.. then embrace it if you can.
I actually remember telling this to someone over a year ago:
"if i could weed out people that are not friend/SO material using one criteria: Can they handle my intensity?"
I actually think part of why I acted somewhat introverted in high school and college is that so many people didnt respond well to my intensity. I decided to only show it to people that I knew could handle it (less than 10 people/my good friends). I did let myself go wild when on stage or presenting though. I loved theatric outlets. It was the one place I was appreciated for intensity. Secondly, kids love intensity. It helps them view whatever you are doing as "more fun".
An ENFJ recently came at my sister (when I wasn't there - because if I had been, I would have come at him with my horns lowered) and I was so astonished by this guy's meanness and hostage-taking that it drew me up. I suddenly saw this behavior in glaring Technicolor, and thought "is this what people are talking about when they talk about ENFJ-Gone-Bad behavior?" It was really horrible. I've never in my life done that to anyone and could not conscience doing it, and it just made me want to tear my hair out, like "Thanks for the further bad advertising, man!"
Plus, you don't mess with my sister. I mean it. Don't be turning that Fe-bludgeon on my sister or you'll get my business end in a hurry. It offended me.
Consider me super frustrated now.
eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
AIS Holland code
Intense people are the BEST! That's part of why I like ENFJs.
Oh, I so agree! I love intense people, and the more different and quirky the better. I agree with Udog that they need to be cut some slack in some areas (don't we all need that) for all the other good, kind things they do for people. And, for all their incredible energy.