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  1. #1
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Default Building a repressed Fe?

    I've grown up extraordinarily introvertedly. My family moved to this town when I was young and have never been able to join large social groups enough to learn how the social conventions of this town works. From what I've read, Fe relies on the introverted function to know what to do social conventions-wise. I may be missing the whole meaning of the Ni/Fe dynamic and their respective definitions (Ni - Dreams (goals)?, Fe - Social rules?).

    I hope to both get some insight on how Ni and Fe work together and with the other functions, and some way to help re-grow the Fe that I've never been able to fully utilize. Could anyone help with this?
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  2. #2
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    I came into my Fe around 27-29 yrs old. The only advice I can give you is fake it till you make it. Just observe how others behave and mirror it until it becomes second nature.

    Also compliment people by asking them a question, rather than stating a comment. This facilitates bonding. People love to talk about themselves and their interests. Instead of saying "nice dog!" say "nice dog, what kind is it? where did you get it" Just ask a lot of follow up questions that can't be answered with yes or no to keep the conversation moving. After a while, you will find yourself caring what the answers are.

  3. #3
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I came into my Fe around 27-29 yrs old. The only advice I can give you is fake it till you make it. Just observe how others behave and mirror it until it becomes second nature.
    I'm better off being silent than faking. A lot of times I mirror the people around me. I think I need to practice realizing who I should focus on mirroring and who I should try not to, like social people, I'm pretty hit-or-miss (Or miss-or-trip rather) when speaking out loud in a group. I work better in small groups of equal 'ranked' people (I do horribly with people that rank above me when I don't agree with them, another thing to Fe fake I guess)

    Also compliment people by asking them a question, rather than stating a comment. This facilitates bonding. People love to talk about themselves and their interests. Instead of saying "nice dog!" say "nice dog, what kind is it? where did you get it" Just ask a lot of follow up questions that can't be answered with yes or no to keep the conversation moving. After a while, you will find yourself caring what the answers are.
    I think I've been slowly working into that idea. I guess when I state-compliment I need to be more tactile with my words. A lot of times I just want to state what I notice and be done with it and retreat into my head. More time to practice pushing myself to be controlled-social (I tend to shadow-ESTP it when I need to be more than a little social)
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  4. #4
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    There is no such thing as ranking between people. We all have different strengths and we can all learn from each other. When you stop thinking that anyone is "better" or "worse" than you, you will have an easier time at life. Practice addressing people in the manner in which you are addressed. If someone calls me by my first name, I'll be damned if I'll call her Mrs. So and So. Not gonna happen. We're all on the same level. It was a problem for me living in different European countries where this divide is standard amongst differing age groups. But whatever... I don't care.

    Also, you have to trip a few times in order to walk. I've spent most of my life making incredible social blunders. Just dust yourself off and try again. No one sprang from the womb completely well adjusted. And if you read these threads, even the "coolest" looking people are riddled with their own brand of insecurity. You should try learning another language and taking a trip to a country that will force you to use that language. You will make errors. But if you want to eat, you have to try. When I was in China, for the first few days, I was starving. I thought I knew more than I did - words for broccoli and carrots. But when the menu item translated to "five golden tastes of heaven", I realized I was screwed. You just have to step out of your comfort zone and try and fail and try again.

    My favorite book in the world is my dictionary/thesaurus combo. Get one and read it often. Challenge yourself to express yourself in different ways and in different contexts. The more words you know, the more things you can say - and the better you can express yourself.

  5. #5
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    jenocyde's advice is sound. "Fake it til you make it" - all that's needed in this equation is the requirement to forget about yourself and do a lot of listening, and listening with the intent to ask more questions rather than worry about what you are going to say instead. Really focus on the other person. You are young still so some of the confidence you seek is more about maturing.

    When I first started in sales, I used to sit with a little script beside me on the telephone to cue me on what to say if I got lost. Soon this interaction became easier. Other situations can be similarly "learned" until you gain knowledge, skill and ease.

  6. #6
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    I've grown up extraordinarily introvertedly. My family moved to this town when I was young and have never been able to join large social groups enough to learn how the social conventions of this town works. From what I've read, Fe relies on the introverted function to know what to do social conventions-wise. I may be missing the whole meaning of the Ni/Fe dynamic and their respective definitions (Ni - Dreams (goals)?, Fe - Social rules?).

    I hope to both get some insight on how Ni and Fe work together and with the other functions, and some way to help re-grow the Fe that I've never been able to fully utilize. Could anyone help with this?


    *if any of this sounds somewhat "circular," it's meant to. pardon the occasional redundancy that may come with it at times.



    Hmm. Far as I know.. Ni is associated w/the ability to recognize patterns/processes spread out through time. We see the abstract, underlying relationships between people, events, etc.. all the intangible stimuli; those invisible extension cords linking the more obvious causes/effects together. We follow the cords, make these connections, and that light bulb [epiphany, "aha!" moment] switches on, and we're able gain a sense of a theoretical whole, the multidimensional Big Picture, past/present/potentials in the future. Through Ni's scope, we naturally view various situations at several angles simultaneously, & generate/anticipate an array of possibilities/solutions/outcomes, in a broad context.

    This function does, indeed, make us fundamentally future-oriented, & we tend to place our focus on idealistic goals, & are thus readily open to learning, problem-solving, etc to grow & meet these goals. [and, through the Ni/Fe dynamic, we're not only equipped with the ability to see the overall needs/values/longterm goals of the people around us, but we're also capable of assisting them with overcoming present obstacles so that their future aspirations are realized.] Through Ni we can "see the forest for the trees," and find the paths through, and forge new ones. Combined with Fe we can transform into the compass that guides others out of the woods as well. (yay! we're like.. superheroes! )

    Now with Fe comes our inborn desire to harmonize with/understand others.. [which, to me, seems most compatible/fully utilized with introverted intuiting as a natural means of taking in data. Like I said.. Ni's all about the invisible connections - so what better means is there to connect with your fellow human than to be that person who "actually gets" them on some deeper emotional level..]

    A lot of INFJs [myself included] seem to become a surrogate 'best friend' for many people, in a sense. Rather, we tend to become the person everyone approaches to vent/resolve issues with their 'actual' best friends. Or we'll be that friend who the theoretical types, or the crackpot inventor-types call at 3am to freely bounce their latest ideas off of. It's the genuine interest & sincerity that we connote, through our depth of empathy, understanding of the inner mind, and eagerness to listen/learn, that often places us in an implicit position of trust and safety for a lot of the people we regularly interact with.

    Extraverted feeling is all about considering others and responding to them, adjusting our behaviors, tweaking some wires, to establish/maintain/improve our desired connections. To smoothly bridge these networks, people with the Ni/Fe dynamic can objectively observe behaviors, expressions of feeling, and intuit internal motivations of specific people, and find the links within relationships/social groups. I've found the best way to understanding social conventions, etc, is to listen, watch, and ask general questions that come to mind when I'm trying to read situations. Sometimes asking a lot of direct questions can make people of certain temperaments uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or even defensive & hostile, so I often start out by offering some sort of self-disclosure- feelings, past experiences, ideas, or I'll say that I'm not familiar with that topic/or I'm confused. Maybe laugh at myself a little [self-deprecating humor does have its uses, case in point].

    "I" statements seem to grease the relating wheels; make others more comfortable with expressing their thoughts/emotions, which in turn, is more input for us to take in and analyze, and ultimately gain the insight we're looking for. It's sort of emotional chess. Or a barter system for ideas. Give n' take. Finding that balance aids in maintaining a consistent connection, harmony, etc.



    I can see how a repressed Fe may blur the scope of Ni and thus make social navigation difficult. Ni/Fe is sort of a double-edged sword. With all the possibilites, comes that underlying awareness of perhaps the more unpleasant potential consequences of various interactions/situations. This is why, I, at least, tend to be a guarded person. Again, there's the issue of finding and maintaining a balance. Awareness of dangers should not simply = living in fear, locked up inside yourself. Because, unfortunately, when we do this, we fail to keep up our end of the social give & take. As a result, we receive less input from others, fail to gain new insights, and ultimately fail to grow in some very integral ways. And.. without growth.. life stagnates.


    I have this immense reservoir of feeling, internally. It's a great ocean, some places even I've yet to explore [i just hope there are cool, freakish glow-in-the-dark creatures hanging out there! Or.. Cthulhu... or something. Uhm.. Anyway. :rolli:]. It's all held behind an external levee. Simple self preservation. The desire to share this depth, and the awareness of the consequences of floods are at costant war in my head. I've managed to find some balance over the yrs. The idea of self-disclosure, or just asking questions used to seem incredibly daunting, intimidating. Impossible. I've learned some of the delicate subtleties of mental/emotional bartering in recent years. Any information I volunteer to others is incredibly selective, though it rarely seems so to the outside observer. I take calculated risks. I have taken the time to try to understand myself as much as possible, and be aware of my own needs, etc, and read a lot about psychology/sociology & other sciences, to try to generally understand people more; clear the the smudges my own repressed Fe has left on lens of my Ni. Also reading about MBTI, and working around in my head, trying to type people I know, has helped me a lot in comprehending all the angles of social networks. Seeing the patterns and links between various types, interests, values, has helped me to anticipate the emotional responses of others, as well as their unexpressed needs, etc, which in turn helps me adjust how I approach topics with them to ensure a clear signal, a reliable connection.


    I still have a ways to go. I'm emotionally repressed in some ways. I'm able to help out a lot of other people, guide them toward the direction of growth, but because my levee walls are a tad too thick, and a little too high [and guarded by trained snow leopards.. invisible lasers, and snipers in some undisclosed locations]... I often fail to reach the depth of connection I'm looking for. To be the closest confidant of everyone's best friend, and never truly feel as close on my end, can be overwhelming sometimes, the most profound sense of lonely. A lot of it comes down to some self value issues I've needed to acknowledge, and work through. The repressed Fe, fear & excessive barriers are just symptomatic of that issue. Developing my tertiary function [Ti], I believe, has aided in giving me the perspective and tools to step back and understand myself better, and use this critical thinking & reasoning to come to and apply more effective solutions. Things have been improving; it's a slow process, but I know I'm going in the right direction. It's the baby steps, the calculated risks. I am patient. And looking forward.


    hopefully this was of some use to you... sheesh this got long.. how the heck do i do these things.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    ^This is fabulous, Thank you Lexicon. And insightful..it is wonderfully insightful!

    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  8. #8
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    I agree with 7! Thank you so much, Lexicon!

    I guess part of it is my burning desire to mature faster than living allows. This isnt some Dune-esque mother-mind-meld to become wise or somesuch. So I'm stuck experimenting. Too bad I sucked in Chemistry labs

    I think... another part of maturity is to keep from jumping the gun and -having- to share the insight. Everyone knows I'm really smart, but I don't need to constantly prove it. Why should I? I don't know. A human need to belong perhaps. All I know is that I should just fix the dam and fish in the ocean.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  9. #9
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    I guess part of it is my burning desire to mature faster than living allows. This isnt some Dune-esque mother-mind-meld to become wise or somesuch.
    Creepy.. Dune came to mind when I was trying to describe Ni!
    I mean.. I thought it might be because the movie version[terrible] has been in my VCR for a month now, and I fall asleep/wake up to random parts of it. Too senile to remember to change tapes before I get in bed.
    That movie's doing something to my brain. I know it. Not sure what..

    Makes sense INFJs would appreciate Dune, though.

    Also, I think that possible feeling of needing to prove yourself in some way will dissipate over time, the more you grow. I think we let go of a lot as we grow.




    All I know is that I should just fix the dam and fish in the ocean.
    I can loan you a harpoon gun.
    It's for the whales.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  10. #10
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lexicon View Post
    Creepy.. Dune came to mind when I was trying to describe Ni!
    I mean.. I thought it might be because the movie version[terrible] has been in my VCR for a month now, and I fall asleep/wake up to random parts of it. Too senile to remember to change tapes before I get in bed.
    That movie's doing something to my brain. I know it. Not sure what..

    Makes sense INFJs would appreciate Dune, though.

    Also, I think that possible feeling of needing to prove yourself in some way will dissipate over time, the more you grow. I think we let go of a lot as we grow.


    I can loan you a harpoon gun.
    It's for the whales.
    Whales? Like... big-time gamblers in Vegas? I wouldn't mind being friends with one of THOSE

    Okay, one question answered. Now I just need to figure out how to snag me the INFJ girl I've had a crush on for the last couple years... Maybe if I hang our with her sister more I can sort of make a side-sweep in. Since I think the only way I can be around her more is to join in her activities. Though it's too late to sign up for any musical/choir things for the summer. Helps that I'm the 'only guy that's an actual friend' of her sister's. She seems to be an xNFP of some kind. Father is definitely a rounded INTJ...

    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

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