[INFJ] Where to find an INFJ?

[jenocyde]

I completely get him

Well?? Please explain because this is driving me insane. He just would not tell me why he was so shocked. I get the feeling that he's writing me off because of it, and that's fine, but I just want to understand...

 

[jenocyde]

I've decided that INFJs are needlessly complicated romantically. I'm just going to be a crazy bunny lady (I'm allergic to cats) and then die alone. This is all.

I'm allergic to cats, but also allergic to responsibility - so no bunnies for me... And we all die alone, so whatever. Such is life.

 

[MrME]

jeno, possibly one of two things, but these are only guesses.

1) When you told him you had other plans, he jumped to the conclusion that he had done something wrong (like saying he thinks ENTPs are flaky) and alienated you.

2) He was expecting to hang-out all day, and you "confirmed" his "flaky" opinion of ENTPs by telling him you had other plans for the day.

I would lean more toward #1 than #2. But, again, these are guesses based only on my own experiences.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Well?? Please explain because this is driving me insane. He just would not tell me why he was so shocked. I get the feeling that he's writing me off because of it, and that's fine, but I just want to understand...

Well you said he had been watching you for months. And after the party you attended, you were all he could talk about afterwards. This says to me that you were on his radar big time. And he has already begun to try to figure out what kind of person you are before ever speaking to you. So you two play tennis and he has a great time. He is thinking "Maybe she is as awesome as I imagined!" He wants to continue hanging out with you. Then you drop the bomb: you made other plans. He is crushed. He feels like you are leaving him behind and wonders if this is your usual M.O.

But fear not. I doubt you are completely written off. Just talk to him some more and make yourself available to reassure him.

 

[MrME]

But fear not. I doubt you are completely written off. Just talk to him some more and make yourself available to reassure him.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

jeno, possibly one of two things, but these are only guesses.

1) When you told him you had other plans, he jumped to the conclusion that he had done something wrong (like saying he thinks ENTPs are flaky) and alienated you.

2) He was expecting to hang-out all day, and you "confirmed" his "flaky" opinion of ENTPs by telling him you had other plans for the day.

I would lean more toward #1 than #2. But, again, these are guesses based only on my own experiences.

totally agree here, and with lauren.

cept also--he was soooooo into you, and definitely kept his agenda open for all day, probably optimistically hoping and planning things might run into dinner, so since you didn't show the same hope or plan, that shows him right there you're coming at feelings/intent from a completely different angle, that you already don't like him as much as he likes you (assumption, i know), and tells him it's already hard and you've only done one thing together.

why didn't you leave your evening open? is that a p thing or what? i would always leave an evening open if i was intrigued by the person. in hopes..........

that's how i'd feel. but i'm not a guy.

is he hot? did you feel any physical attraction?

 

[jenocyde]

1) When you told him you had other plans, he jumped to the conclusion that he had done something wrong (like saying he thinks ENTPs are flaky) and alienated you.

2) He was expecting to hang-out all day, and you "confirmed" his "flaky" opinion of ENTPs by telling him you had other plans for the day.

He feels like you are leaving him behind and wonders if this is your usual M.O.

Well, this is completely unexpected. He gave me no indication that he was even interested in me to begin with - I had to call him, I had to arrange a date - so I thought that he may be feeling too much pressure or that I was coming on too strong, so I made a short no-pressure date. And I hate doing food things with people since I eat almost nothing that is served in restaurants... So I thought I was doing a good thing by letting him off the hook.

And now, because he's so damn fragile, I have to take the initiative to call him again and arrange something else, or at least explain myself, or else it'll be another few months before we meet again...

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Well, this is completely unexpected. He gave me no indication that he was even interested in me to begin with - I had to call him, I had to arrange a date - so I thought that he may be feeling too much pressure or that I was coming on too strong, so I made a short no-pressure date.

He just needed you to make the first move. But I don't see anywhere you came on too strong.

 

[jenocyde]

why didn't you leave your evening open? is that a p thing or what? i would always leave an evening open if i was intrigued by the person. in hopes..........

that's how i'd feel. but i'm not a guy.

is he hot? did you feel any physical attraction?

I never leave my evenings open. It's just how I am. Even after dinner and dancing at 4am, I still have other plans. I always have other plans.

And also, I don't desire to plan all night with a man I barely know. If he wants to get to know me, there's always the next date. If I don't pace myself with a person, then I may end up crashing and burning.

Yes, he is fantastically hot. That's another reason why I shut things down quickly. My spontaneity can lead down a dangerous path and I sincerely want to get to know him better.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I never leave my evenings open. It's just how I am. Even after dinner and dancing at 4am, I still have other plans. I always have other plans.

wow.

And also, I don't desire to plan all night with a man I barely know. If he wants to get to know me, there's always the next date. If I don't pace myself with a person, then I may end up crashing and burning.

i hear you, but all night isn't really dinner. and i agree about pacing.

Yes, he is fantastically hot. That's another reason why I shut things down quickly. My spontaneity can lead down a dangerous path and I sincerely want to get to know him better.

suhweet! i bet he'll work up the nerve, after he licks his wounds (haha) and you'll be hearing from him......we'll see!

 

[jenocyde]

But if I like a guy, I usually drag him with me to all the places I am going, or I just arrive at those other places super late.

And I figured after tennis, we would be all sweaty and gross and I didn't think that dinner was suitable without a shower and a change of clothes. I was wearing a tennis skirt. I thought a man would be sympathetic to that and I wouldn't have to explain.

I'll just text him and tell him I had a good time. But he better call me this week (not text or carrier pigeon.) *sigh*

 

[marmandahalf]

And I figured after tennis, we would be all sweaty and gross and I didn't think that dinner was suitable without a shower and a change of clothes. I was wearing a tennis skirt. I thought a man would be sympathetic to that and I wouldn't have to explain.

$20 says this didn't occur to him. It does to some guys, but not most, ime. Especially if he's busy being enamored of you.

 

[MrME]

I'll just text him and tell him I had a good time. But he better call me this week (not text or carrier pigeon.) *sigh*

Good idea. Remember to be blunt and direct. If there's any room for doubt, he may hesitate to call. "I'd really like to hear from you soon, please call me."

 

[Qre:us]

Well?? Please explain because this is driving me insane. He just would not tell me why he was so shocked. I get the feeling that he's writing me off because of it, and that's fine, but I just want to understand...

Because....if you liked him enough, he can't understand why "plans" would stand in the way. (even if from your end, it is simply a basic argument/stand...um had plans already, so....).

You didn't want to engage in the layers (upon layers). For you, it was what it was, for him, it was symbolic of *something* else, which equates to something *else*, and on and on.

You proved (more like confirmed) 'superficiality' of his Ni-reality...in terms of how much he thinks you like him. Them INFJs, you don't know, but, they have an internal idealized scale with which they square off reality, and without you knowing, you are walking through tests (failing, passing...all without 100% knowledge/awareness, maybe 60% if you're perceptive enough).


I guess, reaching higher than random chance should be 'good enough'.

Le tired........(yeah, trying weekend with the INFJ bf)

 

[Synarch]

My paranoia just kicked in. What would you do with one? You know, they don't really like to be put in a trophy box for all the world to see.

This is the paranoia that keeps you guessing.

They're probably watching you from the window of a coffee shop, behind an open book that they've read at least 4 times, and listening to their ipod.

Aw. Sigh.

Be your usual ENTP self. The one that smiles at you then quietly walks away is the INFJ.

Aw.

I am also curious as to why all the hype with INFJs. Not that y'all aren't awesome. It's just that there is a disproportional amount of INFJ curiosity on these boards, it seems. Or is it just ENTP/INFJ curiosity?

Well, the ENTP's are as unshy and pushy as the INFJ's are shy and unpushy. So, I think it's more ENTP/INFJ curiosity with the ENTP's running around turning over rocks and yelling into dark places.

 

[Synarch]

Having said that, I think the rarity of the INFJ makes it very tempting for ENTPs to idealize the relationship potential, while making it very challenging to actually test it out. The ENTP love for challenge then takes over, enabling them to diminish the very legitimate issues that the INFJ/ENTP couple may face.

Agree 100%. ENTP's have a tendency to see life as a problem worth solving. Naturally they may approach relationships the same way. That said, type compatibility is just one aspect of relationships and intimacy. Getting to know someone and becoming close can be very difficult, especially if you're not ready.

This is why dating is so challenging for me. I don't want to rush into things, and am not in any hurry at all, and then I seem like a bizarre person when I'm not wanting to do something more than once a week, and am the one pulling the reins (because frankly I DON'T know early on whether I really see the potential or not, so I don't want to lead the guy on when ultimately I'm not sure about things yet) and the guy's just left going.... But..with the rare exception (and they're oh so rare), I 'know' right from the get-go that I really like the guy and want to pursue him. This probably means that I shouldn't even be trying with the former ones..the ones I lack that initial clarity with..but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt I guess. And, don't want to overlook something based on potentially inaccurate initial impressions.

INFJ's seem to enjoy taking their time with everything. The only prescription is a sustained and focused love assault. Be aggressively loving and consistent and expressive.

Very true - spending time with the person is key.

That said, I think the thing that perplexes others is that I require time to myself to think about things - ponder my feelings, think about the other person, where I see the relationship going, etc etc. Basically people don't get it that I need time to let things sift through my brain. So this might mean not seeing the other person as much as the other person would like, or as often. And that can make for some tricky/awkward conversations. I want to clarify though that this tends to be just in the early stages of dating. Once I'm in a relationship, it starts to become a non-issue.

In early stages, I don't do spontaneity terribly well, and it can be hard for me to just 'let go' and roll with it and just see where the relationship goes of its own accord -- it boils down to the fact that I take these things seriously, so it can be hard for me to just have 'fun' with a person when my mind automatically projects far into the future. I do it in spurts, but in the end I always need to fall back into my internal world to assess everything and really take a step back and, well, analyze the relationship. Basically, I require that - I might be able to push it back for a while, but I always end up having to go there. So it's that needed alone time - which would be pulling the reins, I suppose - that I think people find confusing. And perhaps understandably so.

I think this is the one area where a relationship with an INFJ benefits an ENTP. You're sorta forced to slow down and appreciate things. You have to take time to let things develop and grow.

I just got back from that tennis date. I felt at ease with him and he is a very good opponent. At first he was letting me win, but after sensing my annoyance, he actually brought it and then we had fun. He took losing pretty well. Afterward, we were talking and having a good laugh. He seemed nervous but easygoing. He told me that he knew about MBTI and that he was definitely an INFJ. After finding out I'm an ENTP, he looked deflated. I pushed him to tell me why and he said because he finds us to be flaky, unreachable and "slippery", although he said I didn't seem like that. Then he asked what I wanted to eat. After a long awkward pause, I told him that I had other plans and didn't realize he wanted to hang out all night. At which point, he looked at me like I just confirmed all his fears. I didn't understand that but I guess we're just from 2 different worlds. I still don't get why he was so taken aback. But it was a fun match all the same - we'll see what happens...

INFJ's are probably more serious than ENTP's sometimes. So, I would imagine if he had a good time and felt close to you and then you had plans right after it might seem like he was just some toy in your evening's fun.

Well?? Please explain because this is driving me insane. He just would not tell me why he was so shocked. I get the feeling that he's writing me off because of it, and that's fine, but I just want to understand...

Talk to him. Share your vulnerability.

Well you said he had been watching you for months. And after the party you attended, you were all he could talk about afterwards. This says to me that you were on his radar big time. And he has already begun to try to figure out what kind of person you are before ever speaking to you. So you two play tennis and he has a great time. He is thinking "Maybe she is as awesome as I imagined!" He wants to continue hanging out with you. Then you drop the bomb: you made other plans. He is crushed. He feels like you are leaving him behind and wonders if this is your usual M.O.

But fear not. I doubt you are completely written off. Just talk to him some more and make yourself available to reassure him.

+1

Well, this is completely unexpected. He gave me no indication that he was even interested in me to begin with - I had to call him, I had to arrange a date - so I thought that he may be feeling too much pressure or that I was coming on too strong, so I made a short no-pressure date. And I hate doing food things with people since I eat almost nothing that is served in restaurants... So I thought I was doing a good thing by letting him off the hook.

And now, because he's so damn fragile, I have to take the initiative to call him again and arrange something else, or at least explain myself, or else it'll be another few months before we meet again...

So, share your insecurities with him. Otherwise, he might assume you just didn't like him enough.

And also, I don't desire to plan all night with a man I barely know. If he wants to get to know me, there's always the next date. If I don't pace myself with a person, then I may end up crashing and burning.

Yes, he is fantastically hot. That's another reason why I shut things down quickly. My spontaneity can lead down a dangerous path and I sincerely want to get to know him better.

I love marathon meetings with people. It's a fun way to get to know someone.

 

[Kasper]

I just got back from that tennis date. I felt at ease with him and he is a very good opponent. At first he was letting me win, but after sensing my annoyance, he actually brought it and then we had fun. He took losing pretty well. Afterward, we were talking and having a good laugh. He seemed nervous but easygoing. He told me that he knew about MBTI and that he was definitely an INFJ. After finding out I'm an ENTP, he looked deflated. I pushed him to tell me why and he said because he finds us to be flaky, unreachable and "slippery", although he said I didn't seem like that. Then he asked what I wanted to eat. After a long awkward pause, I told him that I had other plans and didn't realize he wanted to hang out all night. At which point, he looked at me like I just confirmed all his fears. I didn't understand that but I guess we're just from 2 different worlds. I still don't get why he was so taken aback. But it was a fun match all the same - we'll see what happens...

Damn, this combined with the INFJ responses seems like freaken hard work! G'luck with that!

 

[jenocyde]

So, share your insecurities with him. Otherwise, he might assume you just didn't like him enough.

I love marathon meetings with people. It's a fun way to get to know someone.

I wouldn't necessarily call them insecurities, more like curiosities. I had so many questions but I didn't want to put him on the spot. And I felt like if I had sat him down and told him all that I told you guys, it would have advanced us too far - I don't even know if I really even like him yet. I'm trying on the slow and easy approach.

Marathon meetings are fine but I find them more fun with Es where we inadvertently talk while sharing an activity. With Is, the talk is much more concentrated and focused which makes me a little uncomfortable, to be honest. It can be a little too much too soon.

 

[lane777]

This is why dating is so challenging for me. I don't want to rush into things, and am not in any hurry at all, and then I seem like a bizarre person when I'm not wanting to do something more than once a week, and am the one pulling the reins (because frankly I DON'T know early on whether I really see the potential or not, so I don't want to lead the guy on when ultimately I'm not sure about things yet) and the guy's just left going....

Agreed. Frustrating though, how the majority of people interpret this as fear, when we're only being rational.

But..with the rare exception (and they're oh so rare), I 'know' right from the get-go that I really like the guy and want to pursue him. This probably means that I shouldn't even be trying with the former ones..the ones I lack that initial clarity with..but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt I guess. And, don't want to overlook something based on potentially inaccurate initial impressions.

So far, every time I've ignored my gut feeling for this reason, I've been sorry. And yet I still question it (my gut feeling, that is).

 

[Udog]

Damn, this combined with the INFJ responses seems like freaken hard work! G'luck with that!

I think that's the point....?