EDIT: This was more of a rant than anything, I know what I need to do. You can still read it if you want though.
For those of you that have seen me post about my mom before, she's an ENFJ, not an ENFP. She tested as an ENFP, but it's very clear to me that she's a J with her tendencies and such.
So me and my mom have always conflicted with each other. We can't see where the other is coming from. She thinks I'm selfish and cruel (and I honestly have no idea why), and I see her as annoying. She really just doesn't make any sense to me, everything I try doesn't work to make her feel better when we have a dispute. It just makes things worse.
The thing we conflict about the most is she thinks that everyone should show their love by doing things for people. I have a completely opposing view of things, I show my love by being there for someone, going out and doing things with them, talking to them and showing I care, etc. Physical things are cool, but they don't mean all that much to me. Physical things are the world to her. She gets VERY upset if someone doesn't give her gifts for Christmas, her birthday, mother's day, or valentine's day. She thinks if people don't give her gifts that they automatically hate her (I'm being completely serious). If it's not on time, she's pretty much crushed.
This time around it was recently mother's day, and I'm broke. I told her that I'd get her something, I'd get her a flower from a particular shop (it's cheap and the plants are of good quality) that she could plant in her garden. She was of course happy and appreciative to hear that. We established that I would get this plant for her with some of my tax return check, and that I couldn't before that.
Well mother's day comes around and I don't have it. I tell her it's because I had just gotten the check and didn't get a chance to get her it yet. She seemed fine about this, and instead we had an outing just for her. We went on a hike, ate at her favorite restaurant, and saw the new Star Trek movie (she's a Trekkie). She seemed pretty content.
That was on mother's day. After that I go to my dad's house (I stay with her during the weekend) and and chill out on Monday. On Tuesday I cash the check, but that night I had a lot of homework to do, so once again I couldn't go to get her her plant. On Wednesday I had to stay home to take care of the animals at the house, since my dad had to go out and run errands all day, and at the end of the day go to band practice. So once again I couldn't do anything. On Thursday my friends wanted to hang out, and I hadn't seen them in about 10 days (nor socialized in 10 days) so I took the opportunity, no one is off work much anymore nowadays. Once again I couldn't really get it for her.
Now it's today, Friday. I call my mom and she asked me if I could get her the flower. I explained all of the above to her, and I told her that this weekend I'd get it since there was nothing I was doing. She seemed fine about it.
I get home, and she has three Amethysts for me, since I had been wanting one. But she forgot that we had discussed this the week before... and I didn't really want anything from her (she doesn't seem to understand people not wanting something). The type of Amethyst I wanted was overly expensive, and it wasn't worth it. I was totally ok with it, I didn't need it anyway. We established this. So then she shows them to me and says "Well I got you these, what do you think? Do you want them?" I just kinda sat there and tried thinking to myself "Wait... why did I just get these?" I totally had forgotten. Then from my body language she thought that I didn't want them, so she freaked out and started blabbering about how no one cared about anything she did for them (when that's a lie), and how no one has ever cared for her in her life (which is also a lie). I'm sitting here thinking "Whoa whoa... "
When I explain to her the reasons behind my body language she just won't take it. She gets completely irrational when she's angry, she won't listen to any reasoning. What she's feeling in the moment is all that should ever matter in the entire world to anyone, that seems to be how she feels. She told me that the fact that I seemingly didn't care about her gift that she felt betrayed, and I tried to reason her out of it. Then after that she guilted me and told me "You don't even care enough about me to get me a stupid flower, do you know how much that would have meant to me?" Then I repeated why I couldn't get it and she just wouldn't have any of it. But as I said above, nothing works, everything fails and just makes things worse. I have to yell and stomp around to get her to stop talking over me.
This just seems totally absurd to me... I really don't understand why anyone would act this way. With her the way I acted and spoke (like I always to, which is to the point, covering all bases, and just caring about intention and not so much context) meant more to her than my intent... which was that I was sorry I couldn't get her anything and that I would, and that I even promised her that I would.
This really makes no sense to me. I'm awkward with gifts, I don't really know what to do but say "thanks". I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone just gives me money for gifts, since I have a high standard of what I want, and it's better if I can buy something for myself. I had a discussion with my family about this, that they don't need to spend much on me, and to just throw me a $20 bill or something instead of spending a lot of money on something. My mom thinks that this is because everyone apparently realizes that I'm just selfish and that I don't understand the meaning of a gift.
Sigh. This is ridiculous. It doesn't help that I don't understand ENFJs almost at all... I really can't understand truly why any of this really matters... It all just seems so stupid.
If you're familiar with styles of love, my mom is a primary gift giver (of course), and secondary acts of service. I'm a primary quality time, and a secondary physical touch. We are totally different in this aspect.
I really don't know why she feels this way or why any of this means so much to her. I understand logically, but I'm not "getting" it.
What do you people think? I would really appreciate another viewpoint on this, I don't know what to do.
EDIT: Read the rest of my posts on here before responding to avoid misunderstanding.