[ENFJ] ENFj's relationships!

[Fidelia]

I was reading about that being more of a P vs J thing on a website giving ways to distinguish between INFJ and INFP types. They were saying that ideally as leaders we learn to balance things out by saying both:

"We are out of milk. Can you please pick up some more?"
"Go! The light is green"
"I need some help moving these boxes because they're too heavy for me"
"I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat".
"Please put take off your shoes because they will make the carpet dirty"
and so on...

They also said that J types often assume that they are softening the bossiness by adding "please", but it is not always felt that way . P types are often ignored or not seen as authoritative enough because they are not asking directly enough. They feel it is so obvious, it is the same as requesting something, but it is not perceived that way.

 

[OrangeAppled]

P types are often ignored or not seen as authoritative enough because they are not asking directly enough. They feel it is so obvious, it is the same as requesting something, but it is not perceived that way.

On the other hand, J types can come off as bossy.

I don't like being told what to do. I'd rather have someone state what needs to be done, and then I will take responsibility or not. If they want to be more direct, then ask me if I can do it, but don't tell me like I'm your dog.

 

[Glycerine]

On the other hand, J types can come off as bossy.

I don't like being told what to do. I'd rather have someone state what needs to be done, and then I will take responsibility or not. If they want to be more direct, then ask me if I can do it, but don't tell me like I'm your dog.

Ironically, I resent people that try to control me and will resist with a passion and I am a fairly strong J. They have to give me a logical explanation. I am with you on this.

 

[Udog]

There's a powerful weapon against that: The word "No". Learn to use it!

I've recently come to really appreciate the direct manner of communication. I sacrificed much for someone who never told me what they wanted, but would get upset when I failed to meet the invisible requirements. It's tiring.

 

[OrangeAppled]

There's a powerful weapon against that: The word "No". Learn to use it!

I've recently come to really appreciate the direct manner of communication. I sacrificed much for someone who never told me what they wanted, but would get upset when I failed to meet the invisible requirements. It's tiring.

There's definitely much middle ground between the styles.

"No" was my first word

 

[Fidelia]

I think this is why they were suggesting that a good leader uses both informative and directive communication. That way they are clear and there is a why it needs to be done included which allows the person being asked to not feel like someone's dog and yet not trip over "invisible requirements". No matter what our natural style is, it seems to me that part of our job is becoming more balanced so that we interact better with everyone around us.

 

[Afkan]

Informative vs. Direct

"We are out of milk." vs. "Please get some more milk"
"The light is green." vs. "Go!"
"The boxes are heavy." vs. "Come help me move these boxes,"
"I am hungry." vs. "I want food now."
"That might not be the smartest thing to do." vs. "Don't do that."
"More bread would be nice." vs. "May I have more bread?"

Informative can be seen as "passive aggressive" while Direct can be seen as "bossy".

NICE examples!!! And so true.

I think this is why they were suggesting that a good leader uses both informative and directive communication. That way they are clear and there is a why it needs to be done included which allows the person being asked to not feel like someone's dog and yet not trip over "invisible requirements". No matter what our natural style is, it seems to me that part of our job is becoming more balanced so that we interact better with everyone around us.

agreed. i think as a leader its important to use what style the individual feels comfortable with. This is easy to pick up on from daily communication.

 

[Fidelia]

To not be ambiguous, it seems better to me to use both informative and directive combined into the same sentence. The request along with the why for the request tends to get the best results from everyone, whether J or P, in my experience.

 

[Afkan]

To not be ambiguous, it seems better to me to use both informative and directive combined into the same sentence. The request along with the why for the request tends to get the best results from everyone, whether J or P, in my experience.

Ah, I see. That's quite clever.

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

Where would one go about finding an ENFJ?

Is there some sort of symbol I can flash into the sky that assembles all ENFJs within a 50 mile radius?

 

[Unkindloving]

Where would one go about finding an ENFJ?

Is there some sort of symbol I can flash into the sky that assembles all ENFJs within a 50 mile radius?

Yes, there's a custom bat-signal you can build. It reads "Guide Me... no, not you, God"
If you build it... they will come.

I saw you were already linked, but hopefully you spot us easily in the future

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

Okay, I'm on it. *stows away into the cover of the night* *begins to climb building*


Thank you though; I hope so as well.

 

[proteanmix]

Le sigh, I don't know about ENFJs and relationships anymore.

Too much negative exposure from the opinions on this forum has unfortunately led to awkward self-consciousness about my romantic needs, wants, and desires.

I am now under the impression that my ideas of intimacy are generally referred to as controlling, codependent, possessive, and clingy.

I'm going to find me an ESFJ male and get happy.

 

[JoSunshine]

Le sigh, I don't know about ENFJs and relationships anymore.

Too much negative exposure from the opinions on this forum has unfortunately led to awkward self-consciousness about my romantic needs, wants, and desires.

I am now under the impression that my ideas of intimacy are generally referred to as controlling, codependent, possessive, and clingy.

I'm going to find me an ESFJ male and get happy.

I had me an ESFJ male and it was VERY happy...until it turned into a train wreck Then I was VERY unhappy.

I don't think it is a matter of type, I think is just finding the right person for YOU. For me personally having had LTR with an ESFJ, ESxP, INTP and INTJ and STR (2-4 months) with an INFJ, ISTJ, and others I can't type, I would definitely say it boils down to needing someone who is well-balanced, considerate and open. I think is is dangerous business when you start excluding people based on type. I think it is a way to try to preserve ourselves from being hurt, but there are awful people in every type as well as incredible people. I would say take a look at some of the threads about Rate Your Parents Relationship - you will see there that many people describe their parents' relationships as being great and there are all kinds of types that work well together.

 

[jtanSis1]

ENFJ's are tricky to find since they are so busy, but mostly to be found in high profile areas. As for their ideas of relationships, they like to show they care by offering suggestions you should do and doing things for you without consulting you because they're confident in what you will like. basically, as in any relationship, the person will act as if they are the same type, its understanding this that allows you to ask if its something you can handle, or if your types are too different.

 

[Lily flower]

I know an ENFJ and ISTJ couple, and although their marriage works on a practical level, I think it's an absolute disaster. They don't seem to "get" each other at all.

 

[Sparrow]

Thanks for all of your answers, people!

I'm still confused though, what is it that you don't like about ENFJs in relationships? Usually ENFJ's are really caring people focusing on their peers' well-being. Would seem natural for them to do so as well in a relationship!

I mostly worry about an ENFJ feeling like she needs to be my mommy. I already had one and she failed miserably. I just want a partner in crime...

lol because I care so much, I annoy the hell out of my entp boyfriend. he is so impatient....

 

[soft]

i hate ENFJs :steam:
i actually only know one. and i don't hate her at all
i just hate that she is in complete control of my emotions when i'm around her.
i hate that one day she will make me feel so good about myself.. like she needs me, and then the next day she will barely even acknowledge me. and she'll be off making other people think she cares about them.

i mean.. maybe i am the one to blame. i hate feeling like i'm unwanted or i'm annoying someone. i have this stupid "if you don't care about me, i don't give a shit about you" image that i subconciously try to give off. i don't want her to know how much she matters to me.. but really my best days are the days we connect and my worst are the days she seems to forget i exist.

i think i might be pushing her away.. maybe she really wants to be close to me but doesn't know how because if anything she probably thinks that i find her annoying.. i don't, i just get annoyed when i see her treat random people she barely knows almost the same way she treats me. it makes me feel like shit and i'm sure she has no idea.

we are both in the same group of really close friends. we hang out all the time and get along really well, but like i said, there are times when i feel like she doesn't actually care about me at all. i hate that this whole thing bugs me so much

....SO... my question for all you ENFJs is how can i get closer to her? being pushy is not my nature at all. normally it isn't difficult for me to let people get close to me.. but with her it's different. i feel like i have my guard up.. probably because i realllly like her. :\

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

I know an ENFJ and ISTJ couple, and although their marriage works on a practical level, I think it's an absolute disaster. They don't seem to "get" each other at all.

So... Socionics duality= great working relationship but not much true understanding?

(that is assuming you would consider them to be the same types in Socionics as they are in MBTI)

 

[Fidelia]

I agree. My parents are that combo and while they have in practical terms got many great commonalities and complementary strengths, they really don't "get" each others basic motivations or thought processes. They probably have more going for them than many couples in terms of what they want out of life and how they wish to live, but they are not mind-mates. If that matters to the ENFJ particularly, this is not the match for them.