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[ENFP] Need help reviving my parents' marriage (ENFP=ISTP)

NashK

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Aug 5, 2008
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Well, my mother is an ENFP and my father is an ISTP. There's four kids, Me-INFP, 24; Bro-INTP,21; Sis-ISTJ, 19; Sis-INFP, 13.

My parents were married for 25 years and were considered as having a great marriage. The problems have really begun the last 7 or 8 years, although the roots of the problems probably go back to the beginning.

Basically, my father is a live-in-the-moment, take big-risks, never-have-a-serious-conversation type of a guy. He's physically strong and has a temper, but he's a got a real sweet, kind heart. He never means harm and is quite naive, but he somehow gets into trouble with his attitude of never preparing for anything (like what he's going to say, do, or buy)

My mother is the stereotypical ENFP. She's fun, and exciting- the whole city loves her or is jealous of her. But underneath all her spunk is a really deep, sensitive, and complex personality. She uses me as her "healer" to sort out the myriads of feelings that go on throughout her day.

My mother never was able to turn to my father for anything serious. She couldn't complain. She couldn't say if she had any negative emotions during that day (and she has plenty). My father had no clue how to handle his own explosive emotions, and didn't want to hear anyone else's either.

My mother has always been the "romantic", but my father hates anything to do with romance. His idea of a mate is to have fun with them 24/7. But my mother is desparate for something deeper.

What should she do? Should she just accept that he'll always be Mr. Shallow and Simple (which my father pays for with an unwilling partner in the bedroom), or should she try and get him to be deeper and more "real". Should she give up on ever having a romantic relationship? How do an ENFP and ISTP bridge the gap?
 

Edgar

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There is an ENFP member here who had an ISTP husband.

I believe now she is happily divorced.

(hope that helps)
 

NashK

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I asked for a way to REVIVE their marriage, not to pull the plug.
 

Edgar

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In that case, have your father act like an INTJ, or have your mother act like an ESFJ, whichever one is easier.
 

PeaceBaby

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Don't mind Edgar's "humour"; it's an INTJ thing (you'll grow accustomed to it over time, kind of like toe fungus.) ;)

Where to start? First off, you are not responsible to try to salvage your parent's marriage. They are two adults, who if they wish to stay together, must work together to find the means to communicate successfully.

As an INFP you feel a desire to help and fix this situation, but only your parents can do that, and only if they both truly want to.

How do you know their MBTI types? Is this your guess or have they both tested in the past?

I will post more on this upon your reply and a reflection of the dynamics ...
 

Lady_X

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hmm...i can feel your mothers pain. was an issue for me as well. to live without it feels like a waste of who you are and you can't nor would i want to force someone into being something they are not...but since you're actually looking for ways to solve it or help with it and i couldn't find any of my own...not so sure how helpful i can be..

but...if your father could at least care enough about her to listen to her when she's being emotional, dreamy or deep even if he doesn't have much to add but can make her feel heard...it should help some and occasionally try to be sweet and romantic...then the bedroom problems would work itself out because she just needs to feel cared enough for first.
 

NashK

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I know their types because I have lived with them my entire life and it's crystal clear. I have no doubt about their types.

It's not my duty or obligation to save their marriage, but they are my parents and they both look to me for advice in this area, particularly. I want to help them.
 

NashK

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thanks lady x.

that's a good point. being "heard" is most definitely one of the most crucial factors of a relationship.
 

PeaceBaby

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I know their types because I have lived with them my entire life and it's crystal clear. I have no doubt about their types.

Just a question - no need to get annoyed. :)

It's not my duty or obligation to save their marriage, but they are my parents and they both look to me for advice in this area, particularly. I want to help them.

Hmm, I am not usually as direct as this but I feel I have to be:

Frankly, you're 24 and they are likely in their late 40's. They need couples counselling. If you want to help, this would be the best suggestion.

When I was 24, I thought I could help everyone and fix everything too. And you CAN be a great source of support, of course. But your parents must deal with this together and not use you as some sort of emotional conduit.

Again, I am not trying to be harsh here, but I am going with my gut, and as someone who IS in my forties, I feel your parents should not be expecting you to try to help them in this arena.

Sit your parents down and tell them that their issues are beyond your experience and understanding. Tell them you love them and want them to work on this together ... in couples counselling. Look up a couple of places ahead of time that they could go to and hand them the paper. They are all grown up and must work on this themselves.

I am sending you lots of :hug: :hug: :hug: - good luck!
 

NashK

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Actually, my mother has been seeing someone, but my dad won't agree to come along. He feels everything is great. And my mother isn't strong enough to convince him.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Sounds like she's looking for something that he's not really ready to provide. You can't really force your dad to open up his feelings. That's something that usually happens when people have to do some immediate introspection due to some grave life circumstances.

If it gets really bad, your mom will start pulling away and that might cause your dad to reflect on himself, but probably not. If your mom is happy enough and finds spiritual/emotional nourishment outside of the marriage (not in a cheating way, but in a healthy way) then no problem. If she doesn't and craves it, maybe it's better that she find a new partner. Either way, I don't think this is something you need to interfere with. It'll work itself out on its own.

Good luck.
 

Tallulah

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I can't think of anything more disheartening than being in a relationship where you're miserable, but your partner refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong.

I think maybe you could try and talk with you dad and try to make him understand that your mom is genuinely unhappy, and not just being overly dramatic. I've found that the best place to talk to my dad about anything is in the car, riding somewhere while he's driving. Something about that side-by-side communication makes him open up, where if I'd talked to him about it face-to-face, he'd have been defensive.

Having said that, my parents can't communicate for crap, and I've tried to talk to both of them about it. They each believe they're right, and it drives me nuts. You can try and help them see, but after that, back off. They're adults, and if you keep pushing it, they'll resent you being in the middle.
 

PeaceBaby

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Actually, my mother has been seeing someone, but my dad won't agree to come along. He feels everything is great. And my mother isn't strong enough to convince him.

Difficult. It sounds as though your father is either unwilling or incapable of recognizing that your mother is unhappy. He needs to hear it clear that his marriage may be in danger. From your mother. She can soften this by saying she needs an impartial third party to try to help her sort out some of the feelings she has been having.

I don't what else to say - it is common for one spouse to not want to attend counselling. Hopefully your father will recognize how important this is to your mother and they come together as a team.

I've found that the best place to talk to my dad about anything is in the car, riding somewhere while he's driving. Something about that side-by-side communication makes him open up, where if I'd talked to him about it face-to-face, he'd have been defensive.

Funnily, this is good advice - as long as you don't have the chat on a busy freeway! LOL! Country roads work better.
 

Udog

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Man, I wish you the best of luck. As a child, there's only so much you can do, though. Most parents simply won't let their children exert that much influence over them.

Your efforts may be better suited in trying to help your brothers and sisters cope. The young INFP especially. 13 is a horrible age for an INFP to face a parental meltdown, and your healing efforts could make a huge difference.

father is an ISTP

Your dad is somewhat atypical for ISTP. ISTPs are generally quite good at being patient and calm listeners to people that need to vent a bit.

Actually, my mother has been seeing someone, but my dad won't agree to come along. He feels everything is great. And my mother isn't strong enough to convince him.

Bottom line, until both partners feel that something needs to be fixed, nothing will get fixed. Period.

I'm not surprised your dad thinks everything is fine - your mom won't show him any of her true angst. The town loves/ is jealous of her. He gets to experience the happy fun ENFP vibes while others get the negative side of her. Why would he even WANT to notice?

Dad will quit feeling everything is great when Mom quits being happy and exciting on the surface. When he can't enjoy her on that level, he'll care. Whether or not your mom can or should deprive him of that so he is forced to notice... well, I must admit that's above my head at that point. Could backlash pretty bad.

Edit: I also like Tallulah's advice about talking in the car, when not face to face.
 

PeaceBaby

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Your efforts may be better suited in trying to help your brothers and sisters cope. The young INFP especially. 13 is a horrible age for an INFP to face a parental meltdown, and your healing efforts could make a huge difference.

Good thoughts there Udog.

(I never told you I loved Underdog btw! ;))
 

Rajah

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I'm sorry to be blunt... but why do you think this is your problem?
 

Laurie

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Why do you know about their sex life?
 

Edgar

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Why do you know about their sex life?

pee+wee+herman.jpg
 

Lexicon

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Why do you know about their sex life?

Yeah, that's a fairly clear sign that the child has taken on a role in the family that just shouldn't exist... like.. ever.

My mom and ex-stepdad used to both bitch about their sex life to me, in lurid detail. It was appropriate in their minds because I'd taken on the role of "marriage counselor" and surrendered the role of "child" long ago.


It actually started happening again with my mom and her new husband..
I brought that to a screeching halt.. had to be blunt, and they were taken aback, and looked awkward.

But they should feel that way. Sheesh.



Furthermore.. just as I wouldn't want my mother trying to work out my romantic relationships.. it's not within your capacity.. or responsibility.. to fix your parents' relationship. I know it's hard to watch people you care about struggle.. but certain things must be learned on the part of the individual, through their own experiences, and trials n' errors.
Have to let people fall down sometimes.
 

Udog

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I'm sorry to be blunt... but why do you think this is your problem?

*Sigh* INFP. It's what we do. I spent 9 years trying to save my mom from herself before I finally realized there's nothing I can do. Hopefully Nash doesn't make the same mistake... but... he's INFP. He'll do what he feels he needs to do.
 
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