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  1. #1
    Member janey_girl's Avatar
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    Default Does anyone else find relationships really difficult?

    I find relationships very, very difficult...

    Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered.... I'm the swan on the lake - I am paddling furiously to keep the whole thing going but above the water it looks like effortless grace...

    I guess when I fall for someone I don't want to lose them, this paranoia becomes greater the further down the relationship I go - the odd comment about my body, about maybe finding other people attractive, about relationships only being finite (I always read as "I'm with you until I find someone fitter/younger/more fun").

    I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over... This time I hope things will be different as I've found someone truly special, but I'm in a pretty rocky place at the moment and I can't see any lifeboats around....

    Well I better be off to boil a few bunnies now....

  2. #2
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Relationships can be VERY difficult. They can make you or break you. BTW, my wife is INFJ, I know what you are talking about regarding your original post.

    A few pieces of info that might be helpful. If you feel the need to be heard about something, especially if it involves your partners actions/words and how they have made you feel, then give them a heads up that you need to talk as such and get their attention for that purpose. I have found that works alot better for me as I am scatter brained all over the place and if I don't get a "heads up" as noted above, I cannot guarantee that I will intake the information as needed for it to be useful, it might very well go right over my head.

    Introverts need down time. If you have an extroverted partner, then try the following. (1) Let them know you need down time here and there, and why. (2) The time you do spend with them, try to make it fun activities + quality time. (3) Don't let your extrovert feel caged or trapped, ala let them go out and be social when you need your down time, that way both parties get what they need and no one feels cheated.

    As far as insecurity, that's a hard one, especially for INFJs, from what I have seen. All I can tell you is to try and trust the sincerity of your SO's actions and words, even if its just a little at a time. NFs have an ability for things never to feel just quite right, just quite good enough, not quite perfect. That's okay, but please do try to recognize the love/effort given to you by another, they will really appreciate it, and it might create a positive feedback loop that decreases your insecurity, and increases their propensity to display the right types of love and attention to you as they will be recognized/reqrded by you.

    That's all I've got for now. Good luck!

  3. #3
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    Be happy with what you've got, appreciate your partner and the fact that they appreciate you, realize that nothing will EVER be perfect. Don't be so paranoid and don't over analyze, I've noticed in relationships that if an INFJ is paranoid and worried then they will make up situations that could happen and start believing that they will. This will devastate your relationship. Don't over analyze and play out situations that could happen in the future (that likely won't, from my observation), go get things straight with your SO about things right now in the present. I mean really, don't get stuck in your Ni, I've heard some of the most ludicrous possibilities from INFJs in relationships about how they could go. Then they lose faith in the relationship ENTIRELY from what they THINK might happen, which is usually highly unlikely. Don't do this, from an outside standpoint it makes no sense to me as to how it does anything but ruin things for you. Just my 2c.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  4. #4
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Be happy with what you've got, appreciate your partner and the fact that they appreciate you, realize that nothing will EVER be perfect. Don't be so paranoid and don't over analyze, I've noticed in relationships that if an INFJ is paranoid and worried then they will make up situations that could happen and start believing that they will. This will devastate your relationship. Don't over analyze and play out situations that could happen in the future (that likely won't, from my observation), go get things straight with your SO about things right now in the present. I mean really, don't get stuck in your Ni, I've heard some of the most ludicrous possibilities from INFJs in relationships about how they could go. Then they lose faith in the relationship ENTIRELY from what they THINK might happen, which is usually highly unlikely. Don't do this, from an outside standpoint it makes no sense to me as to how it does anything but ruin things for you. Just my 2c.
    WOW! Very well put!!! +1000!!!!

  5. #5
    Member janey_girl's Avatar
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    Thanks guys - I really appreciate your input... I think there has been a lot of things I've felt unsettling over the last few weeks - getting 7 days notice from my land lady to leave where I was (even though I was moving 4 days after that!) - so effectively had to move twice in 2 weeks... Never lived alone before and now I am I feel very alone.... My SO an ISTP is having a lot of stress at uni and is unsure whether he will return next year.... It's just all kinds of things going on at the moment - I don't have any control....

    I think the paranoia is my biggest enemy... I even said to my SO that I was scared he would leave me.... He told me not to be such a sap and that he wasn't going anywhere.

  6. #6
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    If your SO said that he wasn't going anywhere then don't worry. Drop it at that. I understand that you're stressed right now, but don't think that he will leave you. He even said it himself.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  7. #7
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Yeah they are. People think I'd attach to them faster than I do, and I'd be content with less compatibility than I am, etc.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  8. #8
    Member janey_girl's Avatar
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    I'll try and chill and not overthink, analyse, be paranoid etc... Just a nasty few unsettled weeks which I have hated and now the dust is settling I find it really, really hard to come to terms with where I am....

  9. #9
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    relationships are the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've scaled the great wall of china. so, yeah.

  10. #10
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    I find that they're mostly only difficult when at least one person refuses to put forward a modicum of effort in attempting to understand or communicate with the other person, or if there's some sort of severe incompatibility between them in terms of their values or goals.

    No relationship is going to be smooth sailing for its entire duration--how one deals with the waves determines the course of the relationship. If a relationship is a net loss rather than a net gain for the parties involved, it's probably not worth maintaining.

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