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[NF] Does anyone else find relationships really difficult?

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
I find relationships very, very difficult...

Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered.... I'm the swan on the lake - I am paddling furiously to keep the whole thing going but above the water it looks like effortless grace...

I guess when I fall for someone I don't want to lose them, this paranoia becomes greater the further down the relationship I go - the odd comment about my body, about maybe finding other people attractive, about relationships only being finite (I always read as "I'm with you until I find someone fitter/younger/more fun").

I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over... This time I hope things will be different as I've found someone truly special, but I'm in a pretty rocky place at the moment and I can't see any lifeboats around....

Well I better be off to boil a few bunnies now....
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Relationships can be VERY difficult. They can make you or break you. BTW, my wife is INFJ, I know what you are talking about regarding your original post.

A few pieces of info that might be helpful. If you feel the need to be heard about something, especially if it involves your partners actions/words and how they have made you feel, then give them a heads up that you need to talk as such and get their attention for that purpose. I have found that works alot better for me as I am scatter brained all over the place and if I don't get a "heads up" as noted above, I cannot guarantee that I will intake the information as needed for it to be useful, it might very well go right over my head.

Introverts need down time. If you have an extroverted partner, then try the following. (1) Let them know you need down time here and there, and why. (2) The time you do spend with them, try to make it fun activities + quality time. (3) Don't let your extrovert feel caged or trapped, ala let them go out and be social when you need your down time, that way both parties get what they need and no one feels cheated.

As far as insecurity, that's a hard one, especially for INFJs, from what I have seen. All I can tell you is to try and trust the sincerity of your SO's actions and words, even if its just a little at a time. NFs have an ability for things never to feel just quite right, just quite good enough, not quite perfect. That's okay, but please do try to recognize the love/effort given to you by another, they will really appreciate it, and it might create a positive feedback loop that decreases your insecurity, and increases their propensity to display the right types of love and attention to you as they will be recognized/reqrded by you.

That's all I've got for now. Good luck! :D
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Be happy with what you've got, appreciate your partner and the fact that they appreciate you, realize that nothing will EVER be perfect. Don't be so paranoid and don't over analyze, I've noticed in relationships that if an INFJ is paranoid and worried then they will make up situations that could happen and start believing that they will. This will devastate your relationship. Don't over analyze and play out situations that could happen in the future (that likely won't, from my observation), go get things straight with your SO about things right now in the present. I mean really, don't get stuck in your Ni, I've heard some of the most ludicrous possibilities from INFJs in relationships about how they could go. Then they lose faith in the relationship ENTIRELY from what they THINK might happen, which is usually highly unlikely. Don't do this, from an outside standpoint it makes no sense to me as to how it does anything but ruin things for you. Just my 2c.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Be happy with what you've got, appreciate your partner and the fact that they appreciate you, realize that nothing will EVER be perfect. Don't be so paranoid and don't over analyze, I've noticed in relationships that if an INFJ is paranoid and worried then they will make up situations that could happen and start believing that they will. This will devastate your relationship. Don't over analyze and play out situations that could happen in the future (that likely won't, from my observation), go get things straight with your SO about things right now in the present. I mean really, don't get stuck in your Ni, I've heard some of the most ludicrous possibilities from INFJs in relationships about how they could go. Then they lose faith in the relationship ENTIRELY from what they THINK might happen, which is usually highly unlikely. Don't do this, from an outside standpoint it makes no sense to me as to how it does anything but ruin things for you. Just my 2c.

WOW! Very well put!!! +1000!!!!
 

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
Thanks guys - I really appreciate your input... I think there has been a lot of things I've felt unsettling over the last few weeks - getting 7 days notice from my land lady to leave where I was (even though I was moving 4 days after that!) - so effectively had to move twice in 2 weeks... Never lived alone before and now I am I feel very alone.... My SO an ISTP is having a lot of stress at uni and is unsure whether he will return next year.... It's just all kinds of things going on at the moment - I don't have any control....

I think the paranoia is my biggest enemy... I even said to my SO that I was scared he would leave me.... He told me not to be such a sap and that he wasn't going anywhere.
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
If your SO said that he wasn't going anywhere then don't worry. Drop it at that. I understand that you're stressed right now, but don't think that he will leave you. He even said it himself. :yes:
 

Ghost of the dead horse

filling some space
Joined
Sep 7, 2007
Messages
3,553
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Yeah they are. People think I'd attach to them faster than I do, and I'd be content with less compatibility than I am, etc.
 

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
I'll try and chill and not overthink, analyse, be paranoid etc... Just a nasty few unsettled weeks which I have hated and now the dust is settling I find it really, really hard to come to terms with where I am....
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
relationships are the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've scaled the great wall of china. so, yeah.
 
G

garbage

Guest
I find that they're mostly only difficult when at least one person refuses to put forward a modicum of effort in attempting to understand or communicate with the other person, or if there's some sort of severe incompatibility between them in terms of their values or goals.

No relationship is going to be smooth sailing for its entire duration--how one deals with the waves determines the course of the relationship. If a relationship is a net loss rather than a net gain for the parties involved, it's probably not worth maintaining.
 

Wyst

lurking....
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Messages
1,662
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered....

Hi janey_girl,
Let me tell you. I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's so cool to know that other people (or should I say other INFJs) struggle with this too and that I'm not a sick freak.

I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over...

Yep, I have a history of doing this.
The fear of me totally destroying something that hasn't even started yet (because I know I worry/freak out about stuff) has kept me from starting new relationships. I, too, HATE this part of me.
It's been about a year since I've been actively working on it though (not giving in to the fear of me screwing up things/caring too much about what my love interest thinks about what I say/do. Living in a spirit of fear is unhealthy (it's founded on things that are all in my mind) and it's probably not all that attractive to the person I want most to impress. I've really begun to make a lot of progress, especially in the past 3 months. People (parents and friends) have been noticing a big difference in how I approach situations now and have commented on it numerous times.

Check out my thread in the NF personals. Maybe we can end up helping each other out :)

Be happy with what you've got, appreciate your partner and the fact that they appreciate you, realize that nothing will EVER be perfect. Don't be so paranoid and don't over analyze, I've noticed in relationships that if an INFJ is paranoid and worried then they will make up situations that could happen and start believing that they will. This will devastate your relationship. Don't over analyze and play out situations that could happen in the future (that likely won't, from my observation), go get things straight with your SO about things right now in the present. I mean really, don't get stuck in your Ni, I've heard some of the most ludicrous possibilities from INFJs in relationships about how they could go. Then they lose faith in the relationship ENTIRELY from what they THINK might happen, which is usually highly unlikely. Don't do this, from an outside standpoint it makes no sense to me as to how it does anything but ruin things for you. Just my 2c.

^infinity. Holy crap dude - that was amazing.
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
I find relationships very, very difficult...

Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered.... I'm the swan on the lake - I am paddling furiously to keep the whole thing going but above the water it looks like effortless grace...

I guess when I fall for someone I don't want to lose them, this paranoia becomes greater the further down the relationship I go - the odd comment about my body, about maybe finding other people attractive, about relationships only being finite (I always read as "I'm with you until I find someone fitter/younger/more fun").

I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over... This time I hope things will be different as I've found someone truly special, but I'm in a pretty rocky place at the moment and I can't see any lifeboats around....

Well I better be off to boil a few bunnies now....

Trust me you're not alone. :hug:
 

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
Thanks - it's nice to know I'm not alone in this... I end up just feeling a total freak a lot of the time, if I'm not unique in my struggle it somehow makes it an easier burden to carry...
 

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
Joined
Apr 26, 2009
Messages
1,210
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
You are definitely not alone. I identify with your fears.

As an ENXP:

The N (100% on every test, goodness) tells me pretty quickly if things have a chance of working out. I don't know how much I should trust the N. Looking back, I feel like I passed on what could have been really wonderful people who were just more willing at the time than I was. On the other hand, when I didn't listen to my intuition, the relationship has been a foregone conclusion.

The E
E part helps me naturally verbalize pretty quickly how I'm feeling which isn't always a good thing. Some introspection would help. I'm trying to be better about taking time out before expressing whatever I'm feeling. This usually helps the logic to kick in and identify which fears are real and which ones can be ignored. I think this will probably be my pièce de résistance if I succeed.

The P just wants to play. It can be quite resistant to commitment but can certainly be persuaded otherwise for the right person.

The T-F struggle is the hardest. I experience the worst ENFP-ENTP communication problems internally. It's a real bummer when part of you wants to jump up and tell the other person how much you like them after the second date and the other part wants to run away as quickly as possible precisely because you like them.

Wow. I think I need a nap now.
 

Oddly Refined

New member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
230
Enneagram
5
You are definitely not alone. I identify with your fears.

As an ENXP:

The N (100% on every test, goodness) tells me pretty quickly if things have a chance of working out. I don't know how much I should trust the N. Looking back, I feel like I passed on what could have been really wonderful people who were just more willing at the time than I was. On the other hand, when I didn't listen to my intuition, the relationship has been a foregone conclusion.

The E
E part helps me naturally verbalize pretty quickly how I'm feeling which isn't always a good thing. Some introspection would help. I'm trying to be better about taking time out before expressing whatever I'm feeling. This usually helps the logic to kick in and identify which fears are real and which ones can be ignored. I think this will probably be my pièce de résistance if I succeed.

The P just wants to play. It can be quite resistant to commitment but can certainly be persuaded otherwise for the right person.

The T-F struggle is the hardest. I experience the worst ENFP-ENTP communication problems internally. It's a real bummer when part of you wants to jump up and tell the other person how much you like them after the second date and the other part wants to run away as quickly as possible precisely because you like them.

Wow. I think I need a nap now.

I totally get the T-F struggle. I actually flip back and forth. I'm an "f" naturally, but work very hard to be a T. I've been working on it for YEARS. And when I get stressed, oh my goodness. I really don't enjoy being sensitive and blowing up. Truthfully, I hate it and don't like allowing my F to control my actions. I like to be in control of my responses and how I implement them. My ENTP and I are having major communication issues at the moment and I'm struggling to get the channels open to avoid the vicious cycle of fighting/communication issues. He shuts down on me, and oh my. A good word here is "ugh".
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
I end up just feeling a total freak a lot of the time, if I'm not unique in my struggle it somehow makes it an easier burden to carry...

Well, we're all freaks in a way. We should start a society...oh, wait...we already have.

Anyhow - “Burdens become light when cheerfully borne” (by Old Man Ovid)
 

ENFJ_Catholic

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
136
MBTI Type
ENFJ
It's not a cake walk for us ENFJs either. I feel your pain.

The questions and doubts do come. Hang in there. :hug:
 

Winds of Thor

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
1,842
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
3w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
...

The T-F struggle is the hardest. I experience the worst ENFP-ENTP communication problems internally. It's a real bummer when part of you wants to jump up and tell the other person how much you like them after the second date and the other part wants to run away as quickly as possible precisely because you like them.



Whoa! Please, please help me understand...What is it you are talking about...the F wants you to run away quickly as possible, because the person you genuinely like is near?

I would really appreciate some expansion on this one..!

A007
 
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