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  1. #11
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by janey_girl View Post
    Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered....
    Hi janey_girl,
    Let me tell you. I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's so cool to know that other people (or should I say other INFJs) struggle with this too and that I'm not a sick freak.

    I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over...
    Yep, I have a history of doing this.
    The fear of me totally destroying something that hasn't even started yet (because I know I worry/freak out about stuff) has kept me from starting new relationships. I, too, HATE this part of me.
    It's been about a year since I've been actively working on it though (not giving in to the fear of me screwing up things/caring too much about what my love interest thinks about what I say/do. Living in a spirit of fear is unhealthy (it's founded on things that are all in my mind) and it's probably not all that attractive to the person I want most to impress. I've really begun to make a lot of progress, especially in the past 3 months. People (parents and friends) have been noticing a big difference in how I approach situations now and have commented on it numerous times.

    Check out my thread in the NF personals. Maybe we can end up helping each other out

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Be happy with what you've got, appreciate your partner and the fact that they appreciate you, realize that nothing will EVER be perfect. Don't be so paranoid and don't over analyze, I've noticed in relationships that if an INFJ is paranoid and worried then they will make up situations that could happen and start believing that they will. This will devastate your relationship. Don't over analyze and play out situations that could happen in the future (that likely won't, from my observation), go get things straight with your SO about things right now in the present. I mean really, don't get stuck in your Ni, I've heard some of the most ludicrous possibilities from INFJs in relationships about how they could go. Then they lose faith in the relationship ENTIRELY from what they THINK might happen, which is usually highly unlikely. Don't do this, from an outside standpoint it makes no sense to me as to how it does anything but ruin things for you. Just my 2c.
    ^infinity. Holy crap dude - that was amazing.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by janey_girl View Post
    I find relationships very, very difficult...

    Expressing myself and my needs makes me anxious that the other person will leave... I find myself endlessly trying to be cool and laid back - breaking my back to not look neurotic... I want my partner to feel loved, reassured and safe with me - whereas I always feel on edge, scared to push too much - don't want to appear clingy, scared to be without them too long - don't want them to forget me, scared to spend too long with them - don't want them to feel smothered.... I'm the swan on the lake - I am paddling furiously to keep the whole thing going but above the water it looks like effortless grace...

    I guess when I fall for someone I don't want to lose them, this paranoia becomes greater the further down the relationship I go - the odd comment about my body, about maybe finding other people attractive, about relationships only being finite (I always read as "I'm with you until I find someone fitter/younger/more fun").

    I try so hard to be me - to put forward what I like to do, to share my small world with them and it always ends up that I share their world and my small world becomes even smaller until there really isn't anything left of it or me and my identity - I then panic and fight against it and do something stupid like leave my partner rather than talking things though - because at that stage they're so used to the happy sunny version of me that they can't handle the insecure and paraniod me and it dissolves.... I hate it and I have lived through the pattern over and over... This time I hope things will be different as I've found someone truly special, but I'm in a pretty rocky place at the moment and I can't see any lifeboats around....

    Well I better be off to boil a few bunnies now....
    Trust me you're not alone.

  3. #13
    Member janey_girl's Avatar
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    Thanks - it's nice to know I'm not alone in this... I end up just feeling a total freak a lot of the time, if I'm not unique in my struggle it somehow makes it an easier burden to carry...

  4. #14
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    You are definitely not alone. I identify with your fears.

    As an ENXP:

    The N (100% on every test, goodness) tells me pretty quickly if things have a chance of working out. I don't know how much I should trust the N. Looking back, I feel like I passed on what could have been really wonderful people who were just more willing at the time than I was. On the other hand, when I didn't listen to my intuition, the relationship has been a foregone conclusion.

    The E
    E part helps me naturally verbalize pretty quickly how I'm feeling which isn't always a good thing. Some introspection would help. I'm trying to be better about taking time out before expressing whatever I'm feeling. This usually helps the logic to kick in and identify which fears are real and which ones can be ignored. I think this will probably be my pièce de résistance if I succeed.

    The P just wants to play. It can be quite resistant to commitment but can certainly be persuaded otherwise for the right person.

    The T-F struggle is the hardest. I experience the worst ENFP-ENTP communication problems internally. It's a real bummer when part of you wants to jump up and tell the other person how much you like them after the second date and the other part wants to run away as quickly as possible precisely because you like them.

    Wow. I think I need a nap now.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    You are definitely not alone. I identify with your fears.

    As an ENXP:

    The N (100% on every test, goodness) tells me pretty quickly if things have a chance of working out. I don't know how much I should trust the N. Looking back, I feel like I passed on what could have been really wonderful people who were just more willing at the time than I was. On the other hand, when I didn't listen to my intuition, the relationship has been a foregone conclusion.

    The E
    E part helps me naturally verbalize pretty quickly how I'm feeling which isn't always a good thing. Some introspection would help. I'm trying to be better about taking time out before expressing whatever I'm feeling. This usually helps the logic to kick in and identify which fears are real and which ones can be ignored. I think this will probably be my pièce de résistance if I succeed.

    The P just wants to play. It can be quite resistant to commitment but can certainly be persuaded otherwise for the right person.

    The T-F struggle is the hardest. I experience the worst ENFP-ENTP communication problems internally. It's a real bummer when part of you wants to jump up and tell the other person how much you like them after the second date and the other part wants to run away as quickly as possible precisely because you like them.

    Wow. I think I need a nap now.
    I totally get the T-F struggle. I actually flip back and forth. I'm an "f" naturally, but work very hard to be a T. I've been working on it for YEARS. And when I get stressed, oh my goodness. I really don't enjoy being sensitive and blowing up. Truthfully, I hate it and don't like allowing my F to control my actions. I like to be in control of my responses and how I implement them. My ENTP and I are having major communication issues at the moment and I'm struggling to get the channels open to avoid the vicious cycle of fighting/communication issues. He shuts down on me, and oh my. A good word here is "ugh".

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by janey_girl View Post
    I end up just feeling a total freak a lot of the time, if I'm not unique in my struggle it somehow makes it an easier burden to carry...
    Well, we're all freaks in a way. We should start a society...oh, wait...we already have.

    Anyhow - “Burdens become light when cheerfully borne” (by Old Man Ovid)

  7. #17
    Senior Member ENFJ_Catholic's Avatar
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    It's not a cake walk for us ENFJs either. I feel your pain.

    The questions and doubts do come. Hang in there.
    "In the end it is not a matter of reason; it is a matter of love." - St. Thomas More

  8. #18
    only bites when provoked
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    Quite.
    I 100%, N 88%, T 88%, J 75%

    Disclaimer: The above is my opinion and mine alone, it does not mean I cannot change my mind, nor does it guarantee that my comments are related to any deep-seated convictions. Take everything I say with a whole snowplow worth of salt and call me in the morning, if you can.

  9. #19

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    Not really, because I seem to have had a shortage of them.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    ...

    The T-F struggle is the hardest. I experience the worst ENFP-ENTP communication problems internally. It's a real bummer when part of you wants to jump up and tell the other person how much you like them after the second date and the other part wants to run away as quickly as possible precisely because you like them.


    Whoa! Please, please help me understand...What is it you are talking about...the F wants you to run away quickly as possible, because the person you genuinely like is near?

    I would really appreciate some expansion on this one..!

    A007
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

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