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[INFJ] How to win an INFJs heart ?

entropie

Permabanned
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Apr 24, 2008
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I am convinced, if you are the right entp, you will get all the love you need + her heart, which you value like the most precious jewel you ever had and care for every living second, no questions asked.

[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYkNBSHdsdA"]Shadow[/YOUTUBE]

One question, though, I never understood. Why me ?
 

Vildechaya

New member
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May 1, 2009
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85
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You must have good morals. My sister is an INFJ and could never overlook bad morals (sneaky behavior, dishonesty) in a partner.
 

Winds of Thor

New member
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sx/so
I am convinced, if you are the right entp, you will get all the love you need + her heart, which you value like the most precious jewel you ever had and care for every living second, no questions asked.

[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYkNBSHdsdA"]Shadow[/YOUTUBE]

One question, though, I never understood. Why me ?

An ENTP Theory: Patience and Honesty. Sincere love. You need to show her what's inside yourself, not what is stereotypical or superficial, ever. Don't be concerned with how everybody else is doing things.

DO Be yourself.

Show her what you really think. She may relate to your thoughts and feel the comfort which she deeply needs. Perhaps conflicted between Fe and Ni, there is a vast difference from what one thinks inside and what is considered socially acceptable or what most people seem to value. Do what your inner voice knows is right. Show her your soul. Consistently. She will respect your autonomy as you do too as an ENTP. That right there is "something in common". She may say things contrary to your believing that, but that might just be, and probably is, her Fe and Ni conflicting with each other, an inner friction or dilemma. She will probably think these things over and have a tendency to err on the side of her Ni thoughts as she has a tendency to do things her own way anyway. In the end your understanding and overlooking of this will show that you accept her and the fact that (if you are) willing, that you care about her and overlook these things, knowing they're there, caring at the same time.

Just be honest. I believe in your words...
"...which you value like the most precious jewel you ever had and care for every living second, no questions asked"

Best wishes.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
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Aug 2, 2008
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5,290
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9w1
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sp/sx
That's sweet entropie.

I like Avatar's post. Seems like solid advice. The people I know that won over an INFJ did it by showing them their thoughts, sharing their mind, and taking them out on fun adventures.
 

alexx

New member
Joined
Dec 30, 2008
Messages
503
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ENFP
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2w1
Not "wining" a heart, but getting in there....

My best friend is an INFJ and we just are ourselves. Sometimes we are goofy and others serious. Most of the time out interaction is really light-hearted. Its like our positive energy feeds off one another and just gets even more... positive? He didn't "show" himself to me at first but over time he did.

I've never had a friend that I can just say exactly what is on my mind and not worry about offending etc. Our morals are nearly identical that it just isnt a big deal.

The strange thing is when faced with a problem, we both discuss but he comes at it from another place than I do. We come up with great solutions together because he makes points I would never think of and vis-versa.

It feels like one of those rare life-long friendships, and I am thankful to have such a caring, bright, funny, all around great guy as a friend.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Be clear that you want them around (they are super-sensitive to busyness, potential rejection, abstraction, impatience, annoyance etc)

Consistent character no matter who you are with. (especially in how you treat other people and how authentically yourself you are)

Don't debate for sport. Only do it if you truly want a discussion. INFJs will only show their interests, passions, opinions and beliefs to those who really want to know and who are respectful of the privilege they are being given. Otherwise you don't get to know any more or you need to apologize and proceed carefully. This also goes for mocking anything that the INFJ holds near and dear - ideas, places, people, work. They don't bother spending time with too many things they don't really care about.

Care passionately about something and share what it is and why you are so excited about it.

Share your thoughts/thought processes. INFJs don't like being left to guess and usually assume the worst, making them rather emotional (and unattractive to NTs). They also do better if you resolve conflict rather than leaving it be.

Make them feel comfortable before they are thrown into a situation. Two of my boyfriends in the past won me over by teaching me something and making me feel confident at it.

Pay attention to details and remember them. One boyfriend surprised me with the Charlie Brown Christmas movie (a yearly tradition for me) and my favorite flavour of ice cream months after I had mentioned them.

Allow INFJ to do things for you and show your appreciation for their thoughtfulness. They almost can't not give, but they also like people to notice that they have tried really hard.

Tell them why you like them, were interested in becoming friends (dating,whatever). They like knowing how other people view them and what makes them stand out.

Curiosity is attractive to INFJs. So is people who are good at fixing things and the practical aspects of life, while still being able to talk as an N.

Criticism is something that you need to do very carefully. It often is taken personally even if meant very impersonally by an NT as an observation or statement.

Find ways to show that you are thinking of them. It may seem like coddling a bit when they know how you feel, but it will pay off. Notes, a wink or a smile across a crowded room, looking for their eyes when you walk into a roomful of people, making traditions for special occasions and so on will all pay great dividends. You people are pretty creative.

If you need to go into a mental cave to think, say good bye before you leave (preferably not leaving while the INFJ is talking) and if you know, mention when you may be back. Otherwise you risk provoking an emotional response.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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14,497
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INFJ
Oh yeah, make them try new things - food, experiences etc. They'll like you for it, as long as you don't push them into something too big before they've warmed up to the idea.

Treat the people close to them with the respect that you would the INFJ themselves because to the INFJ it's almost the same thing. If they like someone flaky, they'll eventually figure it out and give them up. When they do keep someone like that in their life, they are not really dupeable longterm, although it may take them awhile to give up on contributing to the person's life or effecting positive change. They don't give up too easily, but that is a good thing most of the time.
 

entropie

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I just laughed about the thread title until I saw who started it :double-lol: :D

I wanted to respond to the OP with this:

-----------------------------

I dont know how it is with your INFJs, but mine I won that way:

[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfnizRqgh5Y"].[/YOUTUBE]
 

Lauren Ashley

Revelation
Joined
Aug 19, 2008
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Fidelia, I'm going to need you to stop exposing us INFJs. You know we hate that.

And stop being so insightful. I forbid you. Say no more!
 

entropie

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You are not the only folks who got empathy
 

Nat

New member
Joined
Nov 29, 2008
Messages
66
MBTI Type
INFJ
Be clear that you want them around (they are super-sensitive to busyness, potential rejection, abstraction, impatience, annoyance etc)

Consistent character no matter who you are with. (especially in how you treat other people and how authentically yourself you are)

Don't debate for sport. Only do it if you truly want a discussion. INFJs will only show their interests, passions, opinions and beliefs to those who really want to know and who are respectful of the privilege they are being given. Otherwise you don't get to know any more or you need to apologize and proceed carefully. This also goes for mocking anything that the INFJ holds near and dear - ideas, places, people, work. They don't bother spending time with too many things they don't really care about.

Care passionately about something and share what it is and why you are so excited about it.

Share your thoughts/thought processes. INFJs don't like being left to guess and usually assume the worst, making them rather emotional (and unattractive to NTs). They also do better if you resolve conflict rather than leaving it be.

Make them feel comfortable before they are thrown into a situation. Two of my boyfriends in the past won me over by teaching me something and making me feel confident at it.

Pay attention to details and remember them. One boyfriend surprised me with the Charlie Brown Christmas movie (a yearly tradition for me) and my favorite flavour of ice cream months after I had mentioned them.

Allow INFJ to do things for you and show your appreciation for their thoughtfulness. They almost can't not give, but they also like people to notice that they have tried really hard.

Tell them why you like them, were interested in becoming friends (dating,whatever). They like knowing how other people view them and what makes them stand out.

Curiosity is attractive to INFJs. So is people who are good at fixing things and the practical aspects of life, while still being able to talk as an N.

Criticism is something that you need to do very carefully. It often is taken personally even if meant very impersonally by an NT as an observation or statement.

Find ways to show that you are thinking of them. It may seem like coddling a bit when they know how you feel, but it will pay off. Notes, a wink or a smile across a crowded room, looking for their eyes when you walk into a roomful of people, making traditions for special occasions and so on will all pay great dividends. You people are pretty creative.

If you need to go into a mental cave to think, say good bye before you leave (preferably not leaving while the INFJ is talking) and if you know, mention when you may be back. Otherwise you risk provoking an emotional response.

wow, this is so true for me - especially the part in bold.
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
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wow, this is so true for me - especially the part in bold.
Those comments rang very true for me as well...
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
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ISFP
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sp/sx
Be clear that you want them around (they are super-sensitive to busyness, potential rejection, abstraction, impatience, annoyance etc)

Consistent character no matter who you are with. (especially in how you treat other people and how authentically yourself you are)

Don't debate for sport. Only do it if you truly want a discussion. INFJs will only show their interests, passions, opinions and beliefs to those who really want to know and who are respectful of the privilege they are being given. Otherwise you don't get to know any more or you need to apologize and proceed carefully. This also goes for mocking anything that the INFJ holds near and dear - ideas, places, people, work. They don't bother spending time with too many things they don't really care about.
I find inconsistencies in people disorienting and threaten trust. I relate to people like a forest creature might. If a person sits still and offer a goody, an INFJ might observe, gradually come closer, but unexpected surprises leave them running. This might be true of other INFs. I really work at forming a holistic picture of a person, so a sudden shock leaves me feeling like I don't know the person at all. When they feel like a stranger suddenly it can be even frightening. I no longer know who they are or what they are capable of doing or thinking.

These are some very good observations. As an INFJ, I have no pretenses that my thinking is always correct, but whatever conclusions i manage to come to are the result of rather exhaustive analysis. Blatant dismissal can be shocking or hurtful because I don't come to conclusions in such a quick manner. Even if my conclusion is wrong, I appreciate someone willing to listen to my thought process to help me pinpoint where I went wrong, rather than just tossing it all overboard. My attraction is strongly based on someone who can point out my errors in thinking, but also with enough respect to listen to it first. Actually the INTP I'm with did that for me. I know he is more intelligent than I am, but he also respects my mind probably more than any other NT I know*. In the end, my mind is the only thing that I am.

*disclaimer: to be clear I'm not suggesting there is any lack of respect on any account, but simply that my love especially respects me and that is especially appreciated.
 

Oddly Refined

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May 27, 2009
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As an INFJ, I have no pretenses that my thinking is always correct, but whatever conclusions i manage to come to are the result of rather exhaustive analysis. Blatant dismissal can be shocking or hurtful because I don't come to conclusions in such a quick manner. Even if my conclusion is wrong, I appreciate someone willing to listen to my thought process to help me pinpoint where I went wrong, rather than just tossing it all overboard. My attraction is strongly based on someone who can point out my errors in thinking, but also with enough respect to listen to it first. Actually the INTP I'm with did that for me. I know he is more intelligent than I am, but he also respects my mind probably more than any other NT I know. In the end, my mind is the only thing that I am.

I relate to your comments on thought processes and pointing out errors. That's helpful because you can learn from it.
 

Sarcasticus

Circus Maximus
Joined
May 3, 2008
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1,037
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ENTP
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5w4
Fidelia, I'm going to need you to stop exposing us INFJs. You know we hate that.

And stop being so insightful. I forbid you. Say no more!

She is very insightful. Did the rest of you INFJs forget to get her to sign the non-disclosure agreement? :D
 

MyINFJness

Member
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Jun 15, 2019
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2
I like will limit my suggestions to the ONE I feel matters the very most. I like someone who is assertive in his desire to get to know me. Who will go out of his way to ‘choose’ me. I spend so much of my time helping others to feel special that it feels lousy never really being on the receiving end of that. And it doesn’t have to be ‘bells and whistles’ special. A text out of the blue, a very clear and interested prolonged gaze, an interesting conversation of depth that he continues and digs deeper into to get the very most out of my thoughts and perspectives. The dozen roses business is not for me. I could care less about a hot bod. To be in the presence of someone who ‘sees’ my uniqueness and cherishes it, even wants more and more of it like it’s the best aphrodisiac in the world, that man is my soul mate. So pay very clear attention to her oddness (because she will likely try to hide it). Call those treasures out and tell her how beautiful they are and mean it.
 
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