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[NF] NF's supposedly hate conflict, yet...

Liesl

New member
Joined
Jun 20, 2010
Messages
204
There never seems to be more personal conflict than between NF's. Explain.

Oh, this is actually very easy to explain. I'll explain it from my point of view; not all NFs will agree with every single part of this.

NF often seek harmony in relationships. That doesn't mean they just want relationships to 'appear' harmonious or that they quickly dismiss their own needs so that things work well. They're actually invested in understanding other people and being understood themselves, deeply and profoundly. Genuine harmony is seen as one of the ultimate goals in a relationship.

On the road to understanding other people, there are often conflicts and arguments as you reconcile different opinions, needs, and interests. While other types tend to ignore certain levels of conflict, dismiss certain conflicts, or leave the relationship rather than explore the conflict, for NFs, it's really important to 'know' another human being for who they truly are, so they face the conflict.

Basically, we delve deeper into ourselves and other people instead of ignoring or minimizing aspects of ourselves that would cause conflict.

It may also be helpful for you to understand that for many NFs, relationships are the masterpieces of their life, somewhat like jobs or projects are the masterpieces for other types. We prioritize intrapersonal and interpersonal knowledge pretty highly, so it's less likely that we're quickly going to dismiss a conflict and spend our time doing something else (work, play, etc).
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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I don't have a lot of conflict in my life. I am very drama-free & always have been. I watch other people's lives play out like soap operas and it puzzles me.

I especially don't have conflict with other NFs I know (we get along very well), and I don't see them as drama magnets either. Honestly, if we're stereotyping based on the small sampling of our personal observation, I'd say that ESFx types are the ones with constant conflict in their life....

And yes, conflict occurs in life inevitably, but it's all in how you deal with it. I tend to avoid pointless, hostile confrontations as they don't lead to anything productive. I will become assertive and tackle unpleasant situations if necessary, but most of what people argue over & criticize others for is petty. I would rather bow out and not deal with it if it appears the outcome will not be worth the emotional drain of the conflict. Or I will seek an approach that is appealing & reasonable, not browbeating someone into submission. Not to say I am never petty, but outside of my close family I rarely have problems with other people. Being low key and keeping people at arm's length helps with that also.
 

Rebe

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4sop
I dislike conflict and confrontation but if I feel that it is necessary to stand my ground, or to argue my point or defend myself, I will. Why wouldn't I? I notice that the 'personal conflicts' are usually between NFs and NTs or NFs vs the uncertain NFs or the ones who don't believe themselves to be NFs but aren't categorized as something else (in this forum recently). Oh yeah, we don't bicker over the little stuff. When we decide to bicker, we go out of proportions with it so it's very noticeable.

Oh yeah, I realize that if you are aggressive back to people, they will just up their aggression level and nothing will be resolved or changed. Fighting aggression with aggression is completely useless and inefficient. Instead, I am calm and indifferent. I don't let them get to me. If they are someone I care about, I make a point for them to know where I am coming from. But if not, if it's not worth it, I don't spend the energy.
 

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
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I do not seek conflict but i can be confrontational, which may develop into conflict.
The reason for this (often) is my strong sense of personal morals. I say personal morals as they can not be defined by state, religion or even law.
When someone oversteps the mark, esp when it is for their own gain and regardless of anyone else, then we have confrontation.
(bureaucracy can induce this in me also)

Conflict within myself is fairly minimal but has a definate existance. It can be frustrating contradicting oneself:smile:
 

bcvcdc

Permabanned
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Jul 11, 2009
Messages
215
MBTI Type
INTx
Conflict to me involves "sensorship". :)

No really, what I mean is, lately the only conflicts i would have with others would be because they are Intuitives and i am a sensor, albeit with a slight understanding of intuitive intent as well as language usage. So, conflict these days - for me - goes something like this:

me: You cut down my Rose of Sharon Tree on purpose.
Intuitive perp: Oh, no love, it was an accident.
me: speechless - because of both my own need to resolve something as well as that ever so slight understanding of what the fucking Intuitive is really saying. I just don't have a good come-back to that so, yeah, they win I guess.

Or even if i do try to use Intuitive language, it still doesn't actually get resolved:
Me: I know it was an accident when you cut down my Rose of Sharon Tree.
Intuitive perp: Yeah, it was an accident. I'll buy you a new one.

Now, any intuitive here in his or her right mind will know EXACTLY what just went on in the conversation above.

So you see, these sorts of conflicts never ever get truly resolved because of the "language barrier", so I don't even try anymore when i'm almost sure I'm dealing with an Intuitive.



which, by the way, it the basic reason i don't have - DON'T HAVE - any good friends. They - friends in my youth who i always felt were good guys - all seem to have turned out to be Intuitive types who now, absolutely refuse to accommodate me by joining me in my own little world of sensory small talk, activities and so on.
 

Esoteric Wench

Professional Trickster
Joined
Dec 20, 2009
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945
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ENFP
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7w8
I do not seek conflict but i can be confrontational, which may develop into conflict.
The reason for this (often) is my strong sense of personal morals. I say personal morals as they can not be defined by state, religion or even law.
When someone oversteps the mark, esp when it is for their own gain and regardless of anyone else, then we have confrontation.
(bureaucracy can induce this in me also)

Conflict within myself is fairly minimal but has a definate existance. It can be frustrating contradicting oneself:smile:

#1 - I'm both creeped out and fascinated by GemPOPGem's avatar.
#2 - I completely identify with what GemPOPGem wrote. I think this is the Fi thing kickin' in. Especially the part about how personal morals cannot be defined by external sources like government or codes of conduct. For me, being moral is adhering to the principals that these secondary sources used as the bases for their ethical systems. Thus, Fi versus Fe. The Golden Rule is Fi. The Ten Commandments seems more Fe.

If my Fi senses a violation of what is right.... Well all bets are off. Hell hath no fury as an ENFP who is delivering an Fi bitchslap.

I say personal morals as they can not be defined by state, religion or even law. When someone oversteps the mark...then we have confrontation.
 

Esoteric Wench

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Conflict to me involves "sensorship". :)

No really, what I mean is, lately the only conflicts i would have with others would be because they are Intuitives and i am a sensor, albeit with a slight understanding of intuitive intent as well as language usage. So, conflict these days - for me - goes something like this:

me: You cut down my Rose of Sharon Tree on purpose.
Intuitive perp: Oh, no love, it was an accident.
me: speechless - because of both my own need to resolve something as well as that ever so slight understanding of what the fucking Intuitive is really saying. I just don't have a good come-back to that so, yeah, they win I guess.

Or even if i do try to use Intuitive language, it still doesn't actually get resolved:
Me: I know it was an accident when you cut down my Rose of Sharon Tree.
Intuitive perp: Yeah, it was an accident. I'll buy you a new one.

Now, any intuitive here in his or her right mind will know EXACTLY what just went on in the conversation above.

So you see, these sorts of conflicts never ever get truly resolved because of the "language barrier", so I don't even try anymore when i'm almost sure I'm dealing with an Intuitive.



which, by the way, it the basic reason i don't have - DON'T HAVE - any good friends. They - friends in my youth who i always felt were good guys - all seem to have turned out to be Intuitive types who now, absolutely refuse to accommodate me by joining me in my own little world of sensory small talk, activities and so on.

OK, there are many things about this post that confuse me.

First of all, your profile says you are an INTx. But in your post, you say you're an intuitive. So which is it? And, why the disparity.

Secondly, I do think that "sensorship" does happen. Once I FINALLY got the differences between S and N (and no I don't mean just reading a bullet pointed list, but truly getting how the S worldview was sooooooooo different from mine) then I realized I had been doing a little "sensorship" myself. (I really like that term, btw.)

But the argument you presented doesn't really seem to be an S/N thing. So I don't understand. Please explain more.

:smile:
 

bcvcdc

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But the argument you presented doesn't really seem to be an S/N thing. So I don't understand. Please explain more.

ok, i'll give it my very best: first off, Intuitives and sensors speak two completely different languages. I, personally, am NOT an intuitive and I don't actually understand most of what you Intuitive types are really saying, though I sometimes do have a very vague notion. So, the argument i presented, represents the language style of the Intuitive clashing with the different sort of language the sensor would probably use. When sensor says "you cut down my Rose of Sharon Tree on purpose", this is pretty much exactly, and I mean literally, what she means. But the erudite Intuitive likes to play little games with language. Many times they like to use a kind of opposite approach to the problem. So then when the Intuitive says "no love, it was an accident, what they actually mean is they did it on purpose*."

*on purpose in the way a sensor would define it - i.e. literally.

got it now?
 

Charmed Justice

Nickle Iron Silicone
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I wouldn't say that I'm conflict avoidant and I don't have any problems with asserting myself if need be. I've never been in a physical fight, and it's atypical for me to verbally spar with people(unless the debate is of the intellectual kind), but for various reasons, I have and I will.
 

prplchknz

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yupp
yes, for me anyways, I hate conflict. But sometimes I get sick of the self rightesnous that NFs sometimes come off with,because of ideals, and I'll admit I ccan come off very self righteous, but I try not to I try to look at things from a different perspective, and then when you point out an NFs flaws they get angry at you. Instead of being like maybe this person has a valid point, its more like NO THAT CAN"T BE TRUE. excuse excuse excuse. So I'm pretty conflict avoidant, and its more of I choose my conflicts carefully and sometimes I just feel like being an ass, and starting shit because it is entertaining to watch the other person getting pissed. yeah yeah, I'm bit of an asshole.
 

ReadingRainbows

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I don't hate conflict :/ I think it's important to personal growth.
 

Southern Kross

Away with the fairies
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I very rarely have conflict with NFs IRL so I wouldn't say this is representative. Its different when you are on the internet because written conflict isn't as repelling to me as when it is verbal. But it does need to be acknowledged that there is a spectrum of NFs and we don't necessarily posses the exact same values. Even among INFPs there are e4 and e9s who aren't going to see entirely eye to eye.

IRL I do argue ocassionally because I can be rather passionate and opinionated but mostly it makes me rather uncomfortable being around it and I keep well out of it. When I am involved in conflict its usually when someone pushes me way too far or when I have a political discussion with my ESTJ sister that somehow escalates out of control :D. Like someone else said, in general we avoid it but sometimes we feel compelled to assert our values.
 

kyuuei

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Scratch that idea. Conflict, at times, can be healing and necessary. Why would I hate something that's a part of normal life?

What I hate is irrational, unnecessary conflict. Not conflict itself.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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There is one assumption underlying conflict that I question. If someone is pressuring you to go visit, or make a phone call, or engage in some type of interaction that you have chosen not to, there is an assumption that some sort of language must be used to convince them of your decision. I have a tendency to attempt to use calm clear communication which often works, but if it doesn't then I leave it to them to discover that my actions will be consistent with my words. I don't have to convince them, so I don't tend to speak harshly. I figure people will learn by seeing me go through with my actions as stated to them earlier. It is a subtle manipulative power to play a role of having to be convinced of someone's intentions before they can go through with it. That dynamic will tend to be a losing battle. It doesn't actually make sense to me either - why another person's comprehension is a requirement for a personal decision that involves oneself and whomever else. It's nice to try to explain, but people just aren't entitled or capable of hearing all the information at times. There needs to be clear boundaries that allow people to make choices based on the complexity and layering of their own life experience.

I have experienced strong pressure from people in authority and focus on letting people know what they need to know, and then following through with my actions and leave them with their responses. I've also learned that it is important to give only one good reason. Multiple reasons degrade into excuses, so I choose my one best reason and stick to my guns. I have gotten the feeling that responding with increased harshness or aggressiveness can also communicate that I am feeling an increase in pressure from them, which I don't want them to think they can accomplish.

Conflict at its core is a way of coping with human limitation. It comes to the foreground to highlight those times our individual perspective is limited and warped away from reality. This can be from the logical flaws in an individual's analytical thinking, the warping memories to create a sense of inner cohesion whether negative or position, or in our emotional responses influenced by physiology and fears. The inner distortions that result from ignorance, fear, and anger generate conflict. It is the only reason for conflict to exist. People can grow out of those inner limitations through that means, but they can also reinforce their fears and anger. If every heart and mind had clarity, I doubt there would be a reason for conflict to arise and its best purpose of teaching a different perspective would be made obsolete by more reasoned and empathetic ways of perceiving what is outside our own assumptions and fears.
 

leblue15

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Jul 6, 2010
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I hate hate conflict,( Im an INFP so...)but its so frustrating to always find myself escaping, avoiding to resolve problems instead I develop this passive/agressive situation with people or I just avoid or "abandon" relationships/situations cause and unresolved issue or conflic...or I just let time pass by....
Im very calm and I usually dont get myself or develop conflict situations with other people (only me, Im very dramatic with myself), but I cant stand people who love drama and manage to get me, somehow inside their conflicts....
 

mmhmm

meinmeinmein!
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Jul 6, 2010
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i think being challenged and challenging thoughts has a great
underlying tone for open mindedness.

but people whom constantly point out that the other person
is wrong without further contributing to the subject at hand
are incredibly tiresome to be around.
 

angell_m

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I very rarely have conflict with NFs IRL so I wouldn't say this is representative. Its different when you are on the internet because written conflict isn't as repelling to me as when it is verbal. But it does need to be acknowledged that there is a spectrum of NFs and we don't necessarily posses the exact same values. Even among INFPs there are e4 and e9s who aren't going to see entirely eye to eye.

IRL I do argue ocassionally because I can be rather passionate and opinionated but mostly it makes me rather uncomfortable being around it and I keep well out of it. When I am involved in conflict its usually when someone pushes me way too far or when I have a political discussion with my ESTJ sister that somehow escalates out of control :D. Like someone else said, in general we avoid it but sometimes we feel compelled to assert our values.

What is an e4/e9? *curious*

And in general I can relate to what you said. But above all, I feel like avoiding conflict, or fixing a conflict (on the internet).
 

copperfish17

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What is an e4/e9? *curious*

And in general I can relate to what you said. But above all, I feel like avoiding conflict, or fixing a conflict (on the internet).

e4 = Enneagram 4
e9 = Enneagram 9

There's a separate section on this forum discussing Enneagrams!
 

skylights

i love
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hah, so my best friend and i are both NFs. she's ENFJ for sure, and i'm somethingNFP. and we are almost scarily on the exact same page, but when we miscommunicate... well, neither of us really dislikes conflict, but we have very individual ways of addressing it. and those get us in trouble.

she'll feel insulted by something i say that accidentally offends her (usually me insulting something that she has a personal connection to which i don't realize, and she takes it as an insult to herself) or i feel insulted by her not including me (usually her only accounting for herself when we're doing things together, because she figures that i will/would rather account for me).

i think because we both intuit and feel deeply, we catch onto the deeper meanings that could be read into one another's mistakes (i don't respect her, and she doesn't care about me), and we really take it to heart.

and then she'll bottle it up inside because she does not really disclose much outward emotion, and i'll get pissed and act grumpy and eventually jump to a poor conclusion, and then we have a row defending ourselves, lol. and we agree that she needs to communicate when she's upset and i need to think more about what i'm going to say before i speak.

the whole thing would be solved, of course, if we just didn't *care* so much.
nf issues woooo
 
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