[INFJ] An INFJ told me...

[Hao]

...not to tell her things that she 'likes so much to hear'. Apparently, she finds it 'very scary', even though she 'really enjoys talking' to me and she's 'afraid she likes it too much' (the conversing part, not the scary part). And she doesn't know whether she's in a dream as her reality is far from it

I don't know what to make of what she had said in the above paragraph. There are contradictions of feelings (at least from what I've read) and I can't figure out what she's trying to get at. Therefore, dear NFs, please help me interpret what she's trying to say. I'm an INTJ and unfortunately, I'm rather bad at this kind of thing and don't really know how to respond to it

Just a little background information, I met her on a dating site and we started exchanging messages (it's been a month since we started doing so). We're both single, in our early twenties (okay, I'm almost halfway into my twenties) and for those who are going to ask whether she's really an INFJ, I made her take the MBTI test. Anything else that you guys need to shed more light on the situation, just ask.

Cheers.

 

[Tiltyred]

Hang back just a tad so she can overcome her suspicion that you are too good to be true.

 

[MrME]

Don't tell her what she wants to hear, tell her the truth. Sounds like she may like you a lot, but she fears it may be too good to be true.

 

[MrME]

Hang back just a tad so she can overcome her suspicion that you are too good to be true.

:hi:

 

[Tiltyred]

 

[MacGuffin]

Date + alcohol + invite back to your place = answers to your questions.

It's pretty simple.

 

[Shelovesyoumaybe]

Hang back just a tad so she can overcome her suspicion that you are too good to be true.

Don't tell her what she wants to hear, tell her the truth. Sounds like she may like you a lot, but she fears it may be too good to be true.

They've both obviously nailed it. Especially now, you really don't want to come on too strong. Lay back, let her realize you are for real and that there are people out there as good as you, and let things flow.

 

[Hao]

Hang back just a tad so she can overcome her suspicion that you are too good to be true.

Don't tell her what she wants to hear, tell her the truth. Sounds like she may like you a lot, but she fears it may be too good to be true.

They've both obviously nailed it. Especially now, you really don't want to come on too strong. Lay back, let her realize you are for real and that there are people out there as good as you, and let things flow.

What should I do to make it seem as if I'm 'hanging back'?

Also, I just say what I think of at that time. To be honest, I felt kinda insulted that she actually thought I was saying what she wanted to hear intentionally. I mean, I'm an INTJ! I can't not tell the truth, it's just not in my nature.

I don't think I'm too good to be true, that is an erroneous perception of hers. I'm wondering if I should tell her everything that is bad about me so that she'll stop placing me on the pedestal. And being an INTJ, there are so many faults that I don't even know which one to start with.

Date + alcohol + invite back to your place = answers to your questions.

It's pretty simple.

 

[Jeremy]

Something along the lines of..

"Listen. I'm not perfect.. but I don't want you to think I've been trying to be someone I'm not. I really do care about you, and I want you to know that. So if you want to talk, just know that I am being me, and I do want to get to know you. If you don't want to talk, that's fine - I'll always be here for you."

Obviously that's way too scripted and cheesy, but something along those lines may help. I'm not a relationship expert, but I know that would work for me. I have a tendency, in any relationship, to need reaffirmation of the fact that we are, really, truly, in a relationship (friends or otherwise). I don't take that for granted. It seems to me that your girlfriend may be experiencing the same dilemma - "Does he really like me? Or does he just like me for this? Or does he not like me but doesn't want to be mean? Or does he... etc."

EDIT: She doesn't need to have a list of your flaws. She just wants to know that you're being sincere to her. Everyone has flaws, and laying them all out for her won't make her doubts go away.

 

[karenk]

Is this possible? She has doubts that she's interested but she wants to continue getting information to know for sure. She's bringing up a reason to fall back on later that won't sound too bad to the other person.

 

[nanook]

i didn't have the impression, that its about how good you are (behaving), or why you say what you say, but about how good she makes you in her fantasy. F types tend to easily synthesize a level of symbiotic depth. symbiotic as in unauthentic. synthesize their own perception of someone. like an actor who starts to believe what he plays and whom he plays "against". if you say something, she feels compelled to respond internally with the correlating attitude. the attitude that appreciates the level of sympathy. if i am smart (i a position like her's), i have to become suspicious about my 'own' wishfull creations. i may not want the specific partner, but just the level of sympathy. but once i start to doubt like this, i won't trust in anything virtual again. so what helps is actually the step into real life. there it's much easier to tell, what has substance, and what is synthesized sympathy. at least for me. for a bad case of borderline it might be harder...

Is this possible? She has doubts that she's interested but she wants to continue getting information to know for sure. She's bringing up a reason to fall back on later that won't sound too bad to the other person.

yes, i think that goes hand in hand with what i have written

 

[MacGuffin]

Oh yeah, INTJ male.

Here you go.

 

[redacted]

Date + alcohol + invite back to your place = answers to your questions.

It's pretty simple.

So true.

 

[Wyst]

I, for one, ALWAYS deflect compliments. I love getting praise and accolades but outwardly I'll reject it or blow it off.

So there's your contradiction for you right there.

Also, if she's very self-aware of herself, she may be on guard. Not against you but against herself. As in INFJ, I tend to spend a lot of time in thought (fantasy thought) so when I come back to reality, it can frequently disappoint. If she does this and is aware of that tendency in herself she may be trying to guard her heart and slow things down a bit so she doesn't get hurt..

Who knows man. Either way, I'd ease off the gas a little bit and allow time for a friendship to develop. Good luck!

 

[entropie]

An INFJ told me about every single person in my life, creating the bigger picture they all do suck. Then I asked her where to go from here on ?

She didnt say...

 

[Halla74]

An INFJ told me about every single person in my life, creating the bigger picture they all do suck. Then I asked her where to go from here on ?

She didnt say...

WOW. I would have asked her to pose as your "Life Coach", call such said people on the phone, and give them the 10-20 as to why they suck. That would have been funny as hell:

"Hello there ______. I'm Entropie's Life Coach and we have been discussing his circle of friends. After analyzing your friendship with Entropie it is apparent that you suck, and are holding him back from realizing his full potential. The reasons you make Entropie's life suck include ______, _____, and _______. At this point it would be in Entropie's best interest if you remitted $______ to him as he will need some time and space to get over the pain you have caused him, and he does have bills after all you know. So, all is forgiven if you can tow the line from here on out. Don't forget to drop off the cash real soon, and if you don't mind please bring over a bottle of Jaegermeister and leave it by the doorstep in the next 20 minutes or so, we're kind of running out over here. Thanks a bundle!"

 

[intuitiveadrenalinejunkie]

i once fell in love with an INFJ woman ... who after the first night told me she "felt so comfortable it was scary," and she acted a bit scared-like too... imho, infj guys can be pretty messed up and confusing when it comes to relationships (and i would know), but infj girls are just waaaay out there ... dont go looking to understand them. or — in fact, trust your instincts, and do the OPPOSITE!

and certainly dont be discouraged by any signals you might getting, etc. my advice to you, would be to woo her gently, patiently and persistently, and just hope for the best.