[INFJ] Need help understanding my INFJ mom.

[deleyd]

Need help understanding my INFJ mom.

I think my INFJ mom is going insane. My only hope is that I am completely misinterpreting what she says and does. So I'm asking here.

I'm INTP.

Father passed away about a year ago. And I think mom is going insane without dad. Lonely. Yesterday I saw her standing at the dictionary by herself saying, "God loves me. I am capable and loveable,..." and a long monologue of that, which to me says she believes she is NOT capable and NOT loveable and NO ONE loves her!

You only affirm what you don't believe. No one is verbally stating their belief in Gravity. No one is praying, "I believe in Gravity. Gravity will keep me on the ground. I do not have to be afraid of floating away because I know Gravity will always be there for me."

You only affirm what you don't believe. The moment you have to affirm your belief in something, you've lost. It's over. The very act of affirming your belief in something is an admission that there is doubt. That is may NOT be true.

And mom keeps telling me she HAS to believe in a "Personal God". Which to me tells me she is INSANELY LONELY! She needs someone to personally love her, and without dad she doesn't have that anymore.

The only other possibility is I'm completely wrong. That to an INFJ these words don't mean what they mean to me. So I need an INFJ to tell me if I'm right, or to explain what it is I don't comprehend. Mom has always been a church going person. She says it just feels right to her. She recently changed churches when her Presbyterian church (PCUSA) was overtaken by staunch conservatives. She switched to the First Congregational Church (United Church of Christ). And I've always been an atheist.

So I'm hoping someone can explain how her words and actions mean something completely different to her than they do to me, since she's INFJ and I'm INTP.

 

[kiddykat]

You only affirm what you don't believe. The moment you have to affirm your belief in something, you've lost. It's over. The very act of affirming your belief in something is an admission that there is doubt. That is may NOT be true.

I think.. for the most part, I agree. Although, I think that sometimes, when we recite quotes, poetry, words of affirmation, anyway we want to call it- it's something that relates to what we're intensely concentrating on, in terms of our weaknesses, probably.

I have a few hardcore Catholic family members, including my own mom, who falls asleep to the religious channel. Although I'm agnostic, I always viewed religion as something questionable.. that is just me.

I think we all have our own ways of re-affirming what we believe in? What may seem wierd or unusual to one, may actually work quite perfectly for another, and vice versa?

I do tend to believe that when we overly cling to a notion or a belief, then that could also be a sign that instead of really combating 'real' issues, we run away from what's really hindering us? IDK.. Or it can even strengthen us, maybe?

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Father passed away about a year ago. And I think mom is going insane without dad. Lonely. Yesterday I saw her standing at the dictionary by herself saying, "God loves me. I am capable and loveable,..." and a long monologue of that, which to me says she believes she is NOT capable and NOT loveable and NO ONE loves her!

hmmmm. i have been near the Dark Side so many times, but it seems to get worse for me as i go through life. i have felt totally unloved and unlovable during those times. many times my only hope has been my husband who has tethered me to himself and really believes i am his everything. and my kids, of course, but i think that's mostly because they are under 18, and still My Responsibility.

if i didn't have the grounding of my young kids and husband, i'm honestly not sure how i would deal with the dark side as it oozed toward me. i would probably find myself lost in dark thoughts increasingly more often during the day and would probably suffer insomnia, which i have even on normal days, at night. i would most probably have death fantasies. but doesn't everyone?

i think, from what i understand, that infjs are able to bounce back fairly well after an emotional ordeal, and are very receptive usually to talking about their feelings. have you tried to just talk to her about how she is feeling? just open-ended like that---"mom, how are you doing without dad?"

but i also have read 'inf's are the most likely to commit suicide. not sure the stats on that. i don't think i ever could follow through on that, but i haven't lost my soul mate.

maybe she's just doing some affirmation stuff she's learned in the new church. seriously, you never know about some of those religions...........

instead of making assumptions, it's best just to ask her right out how she is doing, and tell her that you are concerned about her. that in itself will go a long way in making her feel better, if indeed she is feeling depressed, and then you can go from there.

 

[kiddykat]

^Agreed. Deleyed, I think your hunch may be onto something.. and is quite right. I think there is also a difference in dealing with our emotions constructively verses running away from what's really plaguing us?

I think maybe she needs someone to listen, to be there for her? Just 'being there' helps out a lot, and I think you're doing a great job at empathizing with her emotions.

 

[Shinzon]

When I do the self-affirmation thing I'm usually trying to chase away overwhelming negative feelings.

I don't know how open you are with your mom with your feelings, but let her know in no un-certain terms that you care for her. Preferably both verbally/written and shown in action. That'd probably give me the strength to continue if I was in her situation...

Good luck, and I'm sorry for the loss of your father.

 

[SpaZZakaZZ]

I think she would appreciate you letting her know you've noticed something wrong. Don't phrase it like you think she's crazy lol but let her know you know she's going through a difficult experience and want to help. She might just need to talk and let it all out. Doing something nice for her, giving her a treat to show you care could be good too. It seems like she might just need to know there is someone in her life who loves her and will always be there. Try and adjust yourself to fit in with what she needs. You might be more practical and analytical than her and she probably wouldn't appreciate that part of you right now. Try and think what your mum would do for someone else if they'd lost their husband, and do the same for her.

 

[Amargith]

How old are you? And, although talking to her is an excellent suggestion, something tells me that you're not exactly sure on how to handle that, especially if she's that emotional. Did you notice this behavior just this once? Is it since she changed churches (which would support the 'new religion' theory), does she often appear sad and unsure of how to continue? Does she appear more sad since switching churches, perhaps missing the support from her previous social circle and not having build a new one?


She could just be experiencing a rough day, where she wishes she still had his support. If however this has been going on a while, for instance, if she really hasn't processed his passing, she would have been like this for several months, I'm sure.

It's not easy to have to deal with this, especially when it concerns your parents. I do wish you a lot of strength and courage, while dealing with this

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

First of all, you sound like a male. And I would guess maybe about 16. And you sound like you don't have siblings...

For a one-year old widow, things are still very much raw. Take it from someone who's sat and listened to many many widows tell their tale and never forgets her own mother crying late into the night after dad's death...

The important thing at a time like this is to show your care in a more overt manner. By that I mean, SIT with her and EAT with her and HUG and COMFORT and CRY TOGETHER and don't be afraid to VOICE OUT the good souvenirs of the times together with your dad.

The grieving process and her being wrapped up into herself will last many more years, believe me. The pain is still raw but it will get more manageable in time. And it is up to you to help her through that grieving so that it does not become a full-blown clinical depression.

If you know of someone in the neighbourhood that she trusts, a trusted relative, another widow, you might consider arranging trips to the grocery store together or things like that.

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

You should get concerned and seek professional help if you find that she is getting scruffy and not taking care of basic grooming and finding great difficulty getting up in the mornings and if this goes on for quite a long time. Panic attacks, racing thoughts, very sad affect, numbness of emotions. Do a search on clinical depression so you know if or when normal grief has given way to full-blown depression.

And like I said, be prepared to be very practical in your care...

Make sure that she takes a lot of Magnesium (lots of apples) and large doses of fish oil (Omega-3 for the brain and to regulate mood in a natural manner). You can be the one to do the cooking for a change.

Okay, I 'll stop here. I wish you good courage and strength.

 

[Tiltyred]

...The important thing at a time like this is to show your care in a more overt manner. By that I mean, SIT with her and EAT with her and HUG and COMFORT and CRY TOGETHER and don't be afraid to VOICE OUT the good souvenirs of the times together with your dad....

Yes. Be with her. Hug, don't talk. Let her talk if she wants to.

I don't think her behavior is inappropriate to the situation. I don't think she's going crazy. She does sound very lonely. She should be. Her husband died. ...

Try not to worry too much.

 

[Lily Bart]

I don't know if my experience is anything like your Mom's, but my outgoing, energetic, charismatic husband is my ticket to the outer world. I realized this early on and trained myself to be more capable and functional out there and not depend on my husband so much. If your Mom is very religious, she may be using what I think is basically very poor theology -- but that's neither here nor there -- to make herself more functional in the role your Dad used to occupy for her. You may not see it on the surface, especially since she's your mom, but INFJ's are incredibly intense and incredibly emotional underneath -- your Mom probably isn't going insane, you just got a glimpse of how she functions inside under the worst of circumstances. It may be a matter of growing up really fast for you, but all the advice above about spending real time with her and really listening to what's going on with her will make a difference. I think your Mom's growing too. You're wonderful to care so much about her.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

Well, I'd say not too focus on the whole "personal God" thing right now; spirituality can be a form of escapism, yes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Instead, try to make sure she doesn't envelope herself in that spirituality to the point where she begins to neglect the "outside" world. Don't allow her to let that be her only anchor.

And I agree that you should communicate to her. Don't just make it talking, and don't just make it hugs -- let her KNOW that you care, that you're genuine (that's important!) and allow herself to feel that it's okay to be a bit selfish and show that she's upset. This doesn't have to be verbal; hugs and letting her cry in front of you without freaking out is also very comforting.