[ENFP] ENFP Dating: the "Space Between" Calls and Texts

[seeker22]

I'm an ENFP involved in the dating scene and I find I am having to practice major restraint not to so called "bombard" the person I am dating with texts, calls, etc. *inhale* , *exhale* When you first start dating someone: HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH? Anyone know what "normal" is so that we can have a frame of reference? What feels like "bombarding" to other types may feel like "normal" to an ENFP because we thrive off intensity. It's a fine line that I am learning to negotiate. I don't want to smother, but I also don't want to "play it cool" because it feels dishonest and inauthentic.

 

[alexx]

It's been a very long time since I've dated anyone... But I am right there with you.


You know what - screw it! That's a stupid rule I think. I mean, if you are really interested - that's flattering! I'd call the next day....

When were we ENFP's ever good at following rules (when it comes to love)?

 

[Laurie]

Ahahah! The classic ENFP dating problem. Yeah, I'm not really sure either, I usually would just end up overdoing it.

 

[jenocyde]

How much do you feel is normal to call someone? I guess that you should reduce that number by 30% and you'll be fine.

 

[ring the bell]

I don't think this is necessarily a type related question... I know I definitly have that urge to call/ text all the time when I'm first getting to know someone. We've just become a society of instant gratification. I think before the age of cell phones and email, courting was very different. People are twittering now and telling the world what's going on every 5 minutes of the day?

I've had the restraint to send a text every time I want to, which can be a LOT but I've also not had the issue of someone smothering me. Has anyone actually felt smothered by too much attention from someone? I'm really curious about this one...

 

[Udog]

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nf-idyllic/7265-nftensity-wooosh.html

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I think playing it cool is very authentic. Assuming you're cool to begin with.



*brushes dust off collar*

 

[alexx]

You NT's are such strange little things....

 

[kyuuei]

I didn't realize we had this problem. I'm just the opposite, if anything people think I'm uninterested just because I don't bombard. I only respond as much as the person sends.. so if you text me all the time, you'll probably get texts back. At the same token, if someone just wants to go on weekly dates, they'll probably hear from me once a week.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't know what is normal. I don't think there is a norm, just individual preferences or tendencies.

I can go two weeks without contacting someone I am interested in. The time just flies I by. I feel really bad about it though. It's not even that I don't think about them (I may think about them a lot), but I am afraid to act in reality sometimes. It feels so much safer to never talk to people...

When I really, really, really like someone romantically, more than a few days of not hearing from them can feel like an eternity, and yet I still will wait for them to initiate contact. Because it's so easy for me to lose track of time, I give other people the benefit of the doubt and wait a week or so and then if I cannot stand it I contact them. Ideally, I would talk to them briefly once a day, or a few texts and emails. More than that might make me feel smothered. However, the more I like someone, the less it feels they are intruding on my time, and I will make it a priority to respond and keep in contact.

If I am not really into someone, then hearing from them more than a few times a week can annoy me. I feel like they are interrupting my space and not giving me a chance to come to them when I am ready. At some point I will come to them, but it's often too late on their timetable. I've realized that when I am this way, it's my way of telling myself, "You're just not that into him".

This is all bad, bad, bad though....probably why I am always single and just ran off over 5 guys in three months

Ultimately, for me & the guys I date, it's in both of our best interests if they pursue without too much letup (maybe starting off a little slowly though).

 

[seeker22]

I only respond as much as the person sends.. so if you text me all the time, you'll probably get texts back. At the same token, if someone just wants to go on weekly dates, they'll probably hear from me once a week.

Good point on mirroring the person's contact level - I do this as well.

However, with some *special* people I have urges to contact them more often, but don't want to upset the "balance" of what they are demonstrating.

Then we get to the question of: who is mirroring who??! LOL! Does one person set the pace?? I never know if I'm the leader, or the responder.

What if their minimal response is playing off my minimal response??

Maybe the one with the higher need for personal space is always the pace setter. Damn you INTPs!

This is where the ENFPs are at a real disadvantage as far as our natural style.

But on the other hand - it's easy to CAPTURE our attention, tough to SUSTAIN it. Big difference.

 

[garbage]

Totally depends on the other person. If they're an insanely extroverted type, too, I'm sure they don't ming hearing from me pretty soon, maybe the next day, after we meet. If not.. well, I adjust accordingly, based upon what I feel they might want.

Good point on mirroring the person's contact level - I do this as well.

However, with some *special* people I have urges to contact them more often, but don't want to upset the "balance" of what they are demonstrating.

Then we get to the question of: who is mirroring who??! LOL! Does one person set the pace?? I never know if I'm the leader, or the responder.

Yeah I definitely do this too

But it mostly only comes up with friendships for me. As a guy, in a relationship, I just assume that I'm the one leading the charge and setting the pace. Anywhere else, I usually assume that the other party is because I know I'm most likely the one to mirror.

Empathy feedback loops are.. amazing things..

 

[seeker22]

I don't know what is normal. I don't think there is a norm, just individual preferences or tendencies.

Excellent distinction on the "normal" qualifier.

I do think different types have different preferences - so yes, we should probably remove "normal" from the equation, because one type's "normal" is another type's "not normal."

 

[seeker22]

Empathy feedback loops are.. amazing things..

omg so brilliant.

 

[StephMC]

Haha... my ENFP friend (actually, a guy I used to date and still sometimes hook up with from time to time) struggles with this too. In fact, he went on a date with someone monday and called me last night freaking out about it. He was like "I was trying to resist calling her.. so I called you...I HAVE to break this habit."

So he thinks it's a habit he's gotten into but doesn't want to do... but from the way y'all are talking, I guess it's not a habit but more natural to him than he thinks? I tried to encourage him and tell him he'll get the hang of it...He only gets gung-ho with girls at the very beginning. After that, if he's still interested, he'll check in every week or so (Up until they the point they want more from him than he can give).

Not to venture off topic, but I've tried to distance myself from him (Mostly because I'm so attracted to him and started seeing someone else that I want to give a chance to... can't help myself around him!) but even if I purposely try to avoid him, he calls me every week until we go do something. But he knows how I am about dating, and can talk very objectively about it, thus why he confides in me about other girls despite the fact we have a physical relationship. I actually appreciate his telling me all this (helps me objectify things even more). He's tried to pursue me more in the past, but I cut it off despite me liking him at the time too. Now it's just ... well... friends with benefits. So I'm curious... does the fact he's calling me about how he had fun with this other girl and is resisting trying to call her mean that he's lost that romantic interest in me completely? Or he's just accepted the fact that we're probably not going anywhere and trying to make us more friends? I'm trying to figure that out so I can finally have closure with him and be "just friends."

 

[Thursday]

I didn't realize we had this problem. I'm just the opposite, if anything people think I'm uninterested just because I don't bombard. I only respond as much as the person sends.. so if you text me all the time, you'll probably get texts back. At the same token, if someone just wants to go on weekly dates, they'll probably hear from me once a week.

wow - you are an ESFJ

 

[seeker22]

He only gets gung-ho with girls at the very beginning. After that, if he's still interested, he'll check in every week or so (Up until they the point they want more from him than he can give).

OMG. SUUUCCCHHHHH ENFP classic behavior!!!!! Exactly!

 

[Rachelinpa]

I'm impatient. I like lots of contact (if I like you). All the time. I don't care if there is little space between texts and calls because I assume persistent communication is mostly due to the newness of the relationship and not actual interest in me (because after all, you don't know me yet).

As for initiating this kind of constant contact, it depends on how I think the other person perceives me from the start and how much I think they can handle. Most people don't know I'm a crazy ENFP at first glance and are usually more understanding of my high need for communication once they get to know me. So really, I only give as much space as to keep the other person from prejudging me before they get a chance to know me. I want to help them make as fair of an assessment of me as possible without freaking them out prematurely just because I can't wait.

Truly, I would not be happy in a relationship with someone who didn't (eventually) do well with lots of contact.

 

[kyuuei]

wow - you are an ESFJ

^_^ I think I will take this into consideration, thank you.

I'm impatient. I like lots of contact (if I like you). All the time. I don't care if there is little space between texts and calls because I assume persistent communication is mostly due to the newness of the relationship and not actual interest in me (because after all, you don't know me yet).

Most people don't know I'm a crazy ENFP at first glance and are usually more understanding of my high need for communication once they get to know me.

Truly, I would not be happy in a relationship with someone who didn't (eventually) do well with lots of contact.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one, because I am the entire opposite. Constant communication from the very beginning can drive me away (can.).. I up the communication slowly as we get to know each other better (if I'm talking about a new date). In my head, if a new date contacts me more than a previous relationship of 2 years, that's a no-go.

I don't need lots of contact, nor do I always provide it. Someone who needs constant validation does not do well at all in a relationship with me.

 

[Rachelinpa]

This week I gave my number to a guy I met at a bar who I had a decent conversation with. He talks to me and texts me throughout the night, even though I was talking to his friend first (later on the friend asks for my number and I say, "Um, your other friend has it, actually" -- awkward!). The texts are all gushy and "I want to see you again" kind of texts. I don't really take much of this seriously because as far as I know he is completely drunk. Anyway, the conversation we had THAT NIGHT was about texting... his friend said when he meets a girl, he'll call her right away if he's interested... but my guy says that he likes to text the girl first to like check-in.

ANYWAY, now a couple days later, suddenly I'm the girl. And, this punk waits close to 24 hours to text me! And... so... I text him back. And now... nothing. Why for the love of god do you claim you are texting-type person and then wait 24 hours to text?! I would just ask him myself except then I really seem psycho.

I don't even like the guy all that much, but I am so hung up on the possibility of what COULD have been and I'm addicted to new people. AND! I don't like feeling like an option! I mean, obviously, it's his move now, right? And, let's say he does text me back... do I just delete it?

I should have gone with his friend who would have called instead of this endless string of non-existent promised texting. Damnit.