[INFJ] INFJ - the importance of space?

[janey_girl]

Hi there.... Just wondering if it's an INFJ thing or just me? I feel really in need of space. Not all of the time, just as long as I know I'm going to get some space I am fine but when I don't I get really cranky, anxious and no fun to be around....

Right now, my land lady is being a real "space invader" - when I first moved in six months ago all was good - she had a boyfriend who rarely came to the house and I used to get 2 - 3 evenings a week on my own and even if she was there it was cool, we'd sit, chat and watch some TV.... For the past 10 - 12 weeks she has a new fella and he is over all the time. I don't like him and feel very uncomfortable in his presence (just the sound of his grating voice makes me feel physically sick) so I find myself either spending time at my boyfriend's which is fine mostly (he's an ISTP so needs his space as well and I try not to overstay my welcome) or spend my time in my tiny room avoiding my land lady and her fella. Last night even though I was starving I waited for ages before I could make my evening meal.

The house is too small really for both of us to have any real privacy - the lounge goes straight into the dining area, which goes straight into the kitchen so even when I was making my evening meal last night I tried to be as quiet and considerate as possible. The walls are very thin as well and I heard them having sex last night as well, which turned my stomach (I'm no prude but it was like hearing your mum and dad having sex - not the best).

Into this mix she has an eight year old son she sees every 3 weekends (it was one in 4 when I first moved in - which was fine) as well as all the holidays. I don't like children and try and stay out of the way - over Easter though it was hell, a careful balance of not imposing too much on my boyfriend against not imposing too much on my land lady "playing happy families" with her son and boyfriend...

When this first started I was having a hard job handling it and will be moving out in 10 days to a teeny weeny studio flat....

Any other INFJs find "space invaders" difficult to stomach? How do you handle things with them?

 

[Thursday]

If they are reasonable - talk
If not - they no longer exist

 

[janey_girl]

I have talked to her about this, telling her that I feel uncomfortable about the situation... The situation improved for a few days but then she reverted to ignoring my needs....

I am only there for another 10 days - it feels like a lifetime though!

 

[Phantonym]

Just wondering if it's an INFJ thing or just me? I feel really in need of space. Not all of the time, just as long as I know I'm going to get some space I am fine but when I don't I get really cranky, anxious and no fun to be around....

I feel the same way, so you're not alone! I too get very frustrated when I have to tolerate people suddenly crowding my space for too long.

For me, it was really difficult living with my parents when I was in my teens. I mean, I love them to death and they're not that pushy but the fact that they were around just bothered me so much. Waking up and hearing them say "Good morning" to me was just annoying early in the mornings I could feel this frustration building up and you can't just blurt it out because you fear you might offend them. So, the only way to handle it was to move out And it's not just because I was a teenager. Even now, in my late 20s, I just have to have my space, even for a little while to gather myself to face the outside world.


As for your situation with your landlady, janey_girl, I think that she feels in control because it is her house. All the while you're being worried about not bothering her and just being a normal polite person, maybe she sees this as weakness and an opportunity to take more control.


I've been wondering about this need for space. Could it be that, for INFJ's, it's really important to observe things from a distance to get the "feel" and to get accustomed to things before you can act. You sort of assess the situation from a distance. When you're being thrown into a situation where you have no control over things they just start to smother you.

 

[Thursday]

I have talked to her about this, telling her that I feel uncomfortable about the situation... The situation improved for a few days but then she reverted to ignoring my needs....

I am only there for another 10 days - it feels like a lifetime though!

Make it a peaceful run for the finish line
"its not how you start, but how you finish"

 

[janey_girl]

Make it a peaceful run for the finish line
"its not how you start, but how you finish"

I guess I should take the high road.....

 

[janey_girl]

I feel the same way, so you're not alone! I too get very frustrated when I have to tolerate people suddenly crowding my space for too long.

For me, it was really difficult living with my parents when I was in my teens. I mean, I love them to death and they're not that pushy but the fact that they were around just bothered me so much. Waking up and hearing them say "Good morning" to me was just annoying early in the mornings I could feel this frustration building up and you can't just blurt it out because you fear you might offend them. So, the only way to handle it was to move out And it's not just because I was a teenager. Even now, in my late 20s, I just have to have my space, even for a little while to gather myself to face the outside world.


As for your situation with your landlady, janey_girl, I think that she feels in control because it is her house. All the while you're being worried about not bothering her and just being a normal polite person, maybe she sees this as weakness and an opportunity to take more control.


I've been wondering about this need for space. Could it be that, for INFJ's, it's really important to observe things from a distance to get the "feel" and to get accustomed to things before you can act. You sort of assess the situation from a distance. When you're being thrown into a situation where you have no control over things they just start to smother you.

I'm glad I'm not alone in this - you're right, even the "morning" is too much - I need my space and am feeling incredibly hemmed in at the moment...

Also I do think it is a power thing - although she never says "this is my house" all her actions speak it incredibly loudly and I feel it all the time - maybe I am acting weak - I e-mailed her about the issues as I didn't want to get into a stand up row or cry. It was ok for a very short period of time, she told me when he was over, what was happening and I felt a bit easier - being there and not knowing when he'll be around is the issue I have mostly... If I know, I can deal with it....

It is really stressing me out though! I know it's only 10 days....

 

[Thursday]

I guess I should take the high road.....

Correction - you know you should, but you like drama in your own little way
don't we all

 

[janey_girl]

Correction - you know you should, but you like drama in your own little way
don't we all

Too true - probably why I listened to my music a little louder than normal last night....

 

[faith]

Any other INFJs find "space invaders" difficult to stomach? How do you handle things with them?

Oh, yes. I like lots and lots of space. I satisfied my need for space by building a little cabin way out in the woods. It's wonderful.

When I can't leave physically, I leave mentally. I retreat to reading or writing. I find a corner and put up all the "keep out" nonverbal signs. I dream out the window, isolating myself from the crowd.

 

[entropie]

I still havent got my infj intrested in astronomy, but I am working on it !

 

[Kyrielle]

I still havent got my infj intrested in astronomy, but I am working on it !

Have you tried Hubble nebula pictures? Those have always made me drool.

(I'm still looking for giant posters of my favourite ones...)

 

[ajblaise]

I still havent got my infj intrested in astronomy, but I am working on it !

Have you tried Hubble nebula pictures? Those have always made me drool.

(I'm still looking for giant posters of my favourite ones...)

New Hubble pictures just came out 3 days ago, some of the best ones ever:

So sick it doesn't look real, though I'm sure they used many techniques to "bring out" the shapes and colors.

 

[janey_girl]

An update - My discomfort was very apparent... She sent me an e-mail yesterday morning giving me 7 days notice as I was unbearable to live with! That just added to the tension for me... I moved out yesterday evening in with some friends - it's only just over a week before I move to my new place but she could stand it no more....

I'll admit her boyfriend made my skin crawl so I couldn't bring myself to even make small talk with him and I don't like children (which she knew) so a conversation with an 8 year old was always going to be bad for me....

Water under the bridge now - I'm into a new environment which will stimulate me just long enough... Then move day next Thursday....

 

[janey_girl]

I thought I'd posted to the wrong thread then....

Ahhh, space, the bigger picture!

 

[LotsOfHeart]

I hear that. I need a LOT of space. I can be really social too, but I like to spend more nights alone than with people usually.

I like to just chill out, watch TV, maybe surf the internet some, and just reflect on my life. Most people, especially extroverts, usually can't understand my incredible need for this. I guess it's ironic because I am often seen as a counselor for many of those people, they tell me all sorts of things, and I am very understanding to their issues. I am warmly interested in them, but they usually can't find it in themselves to understand my issues.

I protect myself by not discussing my need for space, because only introverts, and probably ENFPs and ENTPs will understand (I'm sure a lot of extroverts on this board get it, but most I know in real life can't). It's tough in life when people don't understand your needs, and it's common for many INFJs. Then again, if the world were better suited for INFJs, maybe it wouldn't be so wearing on me, and I wouldn't need as much alone time.

Sorry if I am coming across as bitter. It's just that these kind of issues are part of the reason the world pisses me off so much sometimes. But in short, you're not alone. Be happy that you only need three nights to yourself a week. I need at least four most of the time. And I usually prefer more than four.

 

[Phantonym]

I like to just chill out, watch TV, maybe surf the internet some, and just reflect on my life. Most people, especially extroverts, usually can't understand my incredible need for this.

It's tough in life when people don't understand your needs, and it's common for many INFJs.

My thoughts exactly! And there's always this element of guilt here. I do feel guilty when people don't understand when I'd much prefer to stay home by myself than go out with them. It is as if I'm letting them down. It's gotten to the point now when people don't even bother to ask me out anymore and to be honest, I'm relieved that I don't have to make up excuses and turn them down. I love people, I just hate being around them.
This probably sounds too self-centered but I do feel that I can be more useful to people when I'm not with them all the time.

 

[Skyward]

My thoughts exactly! And there's always this element of guilt here. I do feel guilty when people don't understand when I'd much prefer to stay home by myself than go out with them. It is as if I'm letting them down. It's gotten to the point now when people don't even bother to ask me out anymore and to be honest, I'm relieved that I don't have to make up excuses and turn them down. I love people, I just hate being around them.
This probably sounds too self-centered but I do feel that I can be more useful to people when I'm not with them all the time.

I feel the same way. I feel sometimes that a day spent without people is a wasted day. I'm thankful for messengers because it allows me to sort of spend time with people without actually pulling on my energy much. Probably I used to play MMOs all the time.

I -do- find ENFPs to be some of the more understanding extroverts, the one's I know anyway.

 

[LotsOfHeart]

My thoughts exactly! And there's always this element of guilt here. I do feel guilty when people don't understand when I'd much prefer to stay home by myself than go out with them. It is as if I'm letting them down. It's gotten to the point now when people don't even bother to ask me out anymore and to be honest, I'm relieved that I don't have to make up excuses and turn them down. I love people, I just hate being around them.
This probably sounds too self-centered but I do feel that I can be more useful to people when I'm not with them all the time.

I relate to that so much. My Mom would too, she is an INFJ also. I guess a lot of people can be dissatisfying to us. It's not that they're not nice or good people, but there's just some things socially that they don't usually get. Of course, there are exceptions, but most people just aren't very concerned for others, or how they feel. Being around them feels like a chore and is very tiring because I have to work so hard to blend in to the social situation without coming across as a crazy person. I can always do it, but it takes a lot of work. If people knew how hard I have to work to be a functional member of society they would be extremely surprised, but probably wouldn't get it.

 

[TaylorS]

I tend to have this pattern of going back and forth between very reserved and quite to being very clingy and mushy-gushy.