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[MBTI General] How do you deal with someone not liking you?

briochick

half-nut member
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Seriously.
There's this woman who's begun to hang out recently with the same 'group' that I hang out with. I would say 'insinuated herself within' might be a better term. Everyone seems to think she's innocent but she'll just sort of say or do kind of nasty little things to me. ie. she said "I really liked that skirt and then I realized you were wearing it." :shock: Or, we're in the same class and we were supposed to practice with the person behind us and she was behind me so she just got up and walked out and didn't return until the exercise was almost over. Ah, and lately we went to this "movie room" and I told the group "anything but chick flicks" and while I was looking through the movies she picked a chick flick and got the other girls to say ok. Then later, when I was unhappy, she said "oh, was that a chick flick?" What else *is* a romantic comedy with no plot *other* than a chick flick? And then she was like "I guess that's the trouble of doing things in groups, someone's always disappointed."
I really can't tell if anyone else can tell how she's behaving toward me and I don't spend time with her so I don't really feel like I can just invite her to coffee and say "so, you don't like me." Also, the stuff she says is just...it seems subtly mean, so if I call her on it she could easily say that I just didn't understand and then I would look rash and stupid. But...Why on earth doesn't she like me?!
She's ESFx. And, I think she may be an Artisan. Why? Shes' a drama teacher, she seems really disingenuine to me, she thinks that 'oh, because I felt it' is a valid reason for doing anything.
Any ideas? How should I respond? I normally try to avoid unhappy conflict.
 

nozflubber

DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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Mar 30, 2008
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Hype
dude, drama students (and hence teachers) are taught to EXPRESS and even exaggerate any emotions they have or can infer exist, anywhere, at all times of the day.... You should see my performing arts roomate watching sports, its frikkin' rediculus!

You need to consider her profession, not her type IMO.... as much as you might hate having to do it, she probably needs some compliments to build positive sentiment with you.
 

Lauren Ashley

Revelation
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She's ESFx. And, I think she may be an Artisan. Why? Shes' a drama teacher, she seems really disingenuine to me, she thinks that 'oh, because I felt it' is a valid reason for doing anything.

She could just as easily be ESFJ. Especially with the "subtlety."

Honestly, I say call her on it. If she tries to deny it, don't back down. Make it plain to her (and everyone else, if that's the case) what exactly she said that was rude and ask her why she feels the need to put you down so much. I see no other way of dealing with this. I assume she's an adult, so she can handle it.
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
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ENTP
Seriously.
There's this woman who's begun to hang out recently with the same 'group' that I hang out with. I would say 'insinuated herself within' might be a better term. Everyone seems to think she's innocent but she'll just sort of say or do kind of nasty little things to me. ie. she said "I really liked that skirt and then I realized you were wearing it." :shock: Or, we're in the same class and we were supposed to practice with the person behind us and she was behind me so she just got up and walked out and didn't return until the exercise was almost over. Ah, and lately we went to this "movie room" and I told the group "anything but chick flicks" and while I was looking through the movies she picked a chick flick and got the other girls to say ok. Then later, when I was unhappy, she said "oh, was that a chick flick?" What else *is* a romantic comedy with no plot *other* than a chick flick? And then she was like "I guess that's the trouble of doing things in groups, someone's always disappointed."
I really can't tell if anyone else can tell how she's behaving toward me and I don't spend time with her so I don't really feel like I can just invite her to coffee and say "so, you don't like me." Also, the stuff she says is just...it seems subtly mean, so if I call her on it she could easily say that I just didn't understand and then I would look rash and stupid. But...Why on earth doesn't she like me?!
She's ESFx. And, I think she may be an Artisan. Why? Shes' a drama teacher, she seems really disingenuine to me, she thinks that 'oh, because I felt it' is a valid reason for doing anything.
Any ideas? How should I respond? I normally try to avoid unhappy conflict.

the bolded part limits me too much to help as, to me, there is such a thing as an 'ecstatic conflict'. sorry.
 

whimsical

New member
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Feb 27, 2009
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351
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Next time she does something or says something disrespectful like that, just as said above, call her out on it. We can all see she's being rude to you. It's even worse when there's no reason for it. Ask her why she apparently hates you so much and have this example and possibly more in mind to pull out if she denies anything. If you want to be more "gentle" with this you can tell her that you accept/respect who she is, and she should do the same and accept who you are. Whatever you do you have to make it known that you do not appreciate how she is treating you and you won't take her bullshit disrespectful treatment anymore.
 
V

violaine

Guest
She could just as easily be ESFJ. Especially with the "subtlety."

Honestly, I say call her on it. If she tries to deny it, don't back down. Make it plain to her (and everyone else, if that's the case) what exactly she said that was rude and ask her why she feels the need to put you down so much. I see no other way of dealing with this. I assume she's an adult, so she can handle it.

+1. If it were me I would put her right back in her place. This is how some people test your boundaries imo.
 

Bubbles

See Right Through Me
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Hahaha, I've had the same problem with a drama teacher! Except I was the student. And already that counted as a point against me.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what DOESN'T work. Calling the woman out on her behavior. It feels good, yes, but she'll twist it into "Some people are just so sensitive, honestly," and people will laugh at your expense. I'm ashamed to say it, but I've cried in front of her thanks to that kind of behavior. Of course I said something once and she misinterpreted it, screamed at me, and ran out of the room....which led to the official vendetta against me. And I will not forget the time I couldn't show up for a meeting and told her I'd be at the doctor's, got a sweet smile and an "Oh, don't worry, honey," only to come the next day and hear she badtalked me and threatened to kick me out me in my absence. I got a million stories like this, honestly. Some are worse and I don't feel like typing 'em online.

Sooooooo. I went up to her after school and chewed her out, refused to forgive her, and now we're on shaky ground. Like an I-respect-you-but-I-really-don't kind of thing. But it's over now for me, so I can only sympathize. Some people just don't get us INFPs. :hug:

They like getting their ego stroked, these people. Like nozflubber said, you're not going to like it, but maybe you should find her good points and compliment her on them. Yeah...kissing-up is against my moral code, too. But standing up for yourself can backfire with these people. They twist what you say. :shock:

EDIT: But if you want to say something, do it. I mean, you're adults, so it could be a different situation. But the teacher I'm referring to had a way of getting the kids to act buddy-buddy with her, if that makes sense. Does it? :blush:
 

Moiety

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the bolded part limits me too much to help as, to me, there is such a thing as an 'ecstatic conflict'. sorry.

Agreed.

The way for me to avoid conflict... is NOT to avoid it in the primary stages of meeting someone new. If someone says something I don't like I will calmly but promptly reply (read: fire a come back) to that. So this way I separate the people worth my time from those not worth my time right from the beginning.
 

Orangey

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Or you could passive aggressively mock her to goad out a bigger reaction (since it seems to be bubbling right below the surface as it is), and then you would be justified in calling her out. Not that you aren't anyway. Just make sure you do this in front of your friends.

Seems underhanded and not-straightforward, but I think it would work. Plus you get to mock her, which has to be cathartic on some level.
 

Lauren Ashley

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Maybe I need to swallow my pride but I would never compliment anyone who was treating me like that, under any circumstances.
 

briochick

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She could just as easily be ESFJ. Especially with the "subtlety."

Honestly, I say call her on it....I assume she's an adult, so she can handle it.

Next time she does something or says something disrespectful like that, just as said above, call her out on it....

:dry: hmmm, well, that's not going to be pleasant (understatement obviously). Right. Compliment maybe, and call her on it. ok, call her on it in the moment? like, the next time she says something? That's what you mean...right?

And, yes, we're all adults.
And, what I meant by unhappy conflict is; a debate over what Obama should do to affect the situation in Mexico is a conflict but it doesn't necessarily involve someone taking something personally. Now, it can, but it's not innate to the conflict. Unhappy conflict means that someone is *going* to take something personally.
 

kendoiwan

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"He who does not feel me, is not real to me, therefore he doesn't exist"
 

Lauren Ashley

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hmmm, well, that's not going to be pleasant (understatement obviously)... call her on it in the moment? like, the next time she says something? That's what you mean...right?

Yes.

I'm not a fan of conflict either. But I won't avoid it when absolutely neccessary. And in this case it is absolutely neccessary. Unless you want to keep putting up with her behavior.
 

briochick

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Kissing up is also against my moral code and right now I have no desire to compliment her. Honestly I think she's kind of stupid (though that may be her insults talking). I think I let things go at first (and I've known her for almost two months now so I've got a good half a dozen times where she was mean) because I think that I must have been mistaken, that someone wouldn't *really* mean that. Then, by the time I realize that, yes, they do (say, around the beginning of last week) people already think I'm a pushover when in fact I often don't realize I've been insulted until an hour or so after the fact (erm, I'm adhd and while it obviously doesn't manifest like it did when I was a kid, it takes me a while to process social stuff, I'm like that with other reactions too, won't realize someone's flirted with me until they're already gone, but my friends assure me that it's not obvious and I just seem a little spacey/quirky).
I would like to confront her but I also worry about being made into the bad guy. But then, I really need to stand up for myself, don't I?
 

whimsical

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:dry: hmmm, well, that's not going to be pleasant (understatement obviously). Right. Compliment maybe, and call her on it. ok, call her on it in the moment? like, the next time she says something? That's what you mean...right?

And, yes, we're all adults.
And, what I meant by unhappy conflict is; a debate over what Obama should do to affect the situation in Mexico is a conflict but it doesn't necessarily involve someone taking something personally. Now, it can, but it's not innate to the conflict. Unhappy conflict means that someone is *going* to take something personally.
Don't compliment her. She's done nothing to deserve a compliment.
 

whimsical

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Kissing up is also against my moral code and right now I have no desire to compliment her. Honestly I think she's kind of stupid (though that may be her insults talking). I think I let things go at first (and I've known her for almost two months now so I've got a good half a dozen times where she was mean) because I think that I must have been mistaken, that someone wouldn't *really* mean that. Then, by the time I realize that, yes, they do (say, around the beginning of last week) people already think I'm a pushover when in fact I often don't realize I've been insulted until an hour or so after the fact (erm, I'm adhd and while it obviously doesn't manifest like it did when I was a kid, it takes me a while to process social stuff, I'm like that with other reactions too, won't realize someone's flirted with me until they're already gone, but my friends assure me that it's not obvious and I just seem a little spacey/quirky).
I would like to confront her but I also worry about being made into the bad guy. But then, I really need to stand up for myself, don't I?

You're not the "bad guy" here. She's the one disrespecting you and she's the one who needs to be told to stop before she makes it a common practice.
 

CrystalViolet

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Maybe she feels threatened by you? I come across this a bit, and I either suck up (if a boss or supervisor) as much as it pains me to do, or completely ignore them so they think I'm completely indifferent. Sucking up tends to work better...but I feel souless.
 

Bubbles

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Maybe I need to swallow my pride but I would never compliment anyone who was treating me like that, under any circumstances.

...Neither would I. But I was miserable when I didn't, and defending myself made things worse. *thinks* Maybe instead, the OP could find someone to back her up when she defends herself? I don't mean to fight her battles, but to second, "Yeah, this is mean and stupid, shut up." I didn't have that. Maybe that's why my fighting backfired? :huh:
 

Manimal

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in this kind of situation i usualy just give back in the same way im recieving. they usualy get the message very quickly, nothing like speaking their own language.
 

CrystalViolet

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I forgot to add, take every opportunity to call her out on stupid things said, and do it as though you are bored, if you take the indifference approach. It will drive her nuts...If you do it enough, and if you are lucky she'll lose her temper (and she will) in front of your friends and maybe go into full attack mode. Either way her true colours are shown.
Did I sound manipulative?
Oh, And make sure you have some one who has your back.
 
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