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  1. #41
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpaZZakaZZ View Post
    OMG I've had so many people like that in my life! I think there is something about us that makes us seem like easy targets for that shit. I found it interesting how all the INFJs on here said to call her on it like the solution was obvious. Different ways of thinking. It's really hard to do that in practice, especially when you try to say something and they just turn it in your face and you don't know how to respond because your brain doesn't work fast enough.
    Yeah, I find it odd that there seem to be a lot of people who feel the need to assert dominance over me. For me dominance within a group is never an issue (wherever I am I am and I don't need to change that) until someone tries to make me change. I'm beginning to wonder if they're indeed intimidated by me and since I don't seem aggressive they think I'm an easy target. So, I'm minding my own business and then suddenly (to me) I'm like somebody just pissed on me didn't they? (figuratively of course) I wish I could come up with witty comebacks but usually I just stare, dumbstruck, amazed that someone would actually have ill intentions toward me, even when they've done it before. Still, I don't think any of them anticipate that I won't submit and it makes them quite angry when I don't. Anyway, thanks for your comment.

    Quote Originally Posted by ThinkingAboutIt View Post
    Seems to me to be one of two things:

    1. she is reacting to your attempt to control the group and make it difficult for her to be incorporated/a part of it.
    2. she is jealous or threatened by you.

    Either way, she is trying to tear you down through control and inferiority and she is controlling your thoughts and your feelings. Take personal control back - I would do it with unemotional confrontation if I thought it was necessary. I would acknowledge and rectify any part I played in it if that was the case.

    I get along with just about everyone and people tend to like me, but I don't give two cents if someone likes me or not. I also have zero desire to control anyone or anything lol. This is not an attitude, it is a way of living. Giving someone power or control over you is a choice.
    Thanks for your comments. I would like to note that I have no opinion on whether or not the group accepts her and I don't believe I have enough standing with them to even try and exert control. Though control over other people in general is something I find offensive. It's their choice. I don't like her now because she doesn't like me, but whether or not they like her is entirely up to them.

    Also, unless she's psychic I'm pretty sure she's not controlling my thoughts or feelings, though I find it interesting and unsettling that I've worded things in such a way that you feel that she is or that I think she is. Once you are an adult no one controls our thoughts or feelings, you react to others and they may work to bring out those reactions in you or work to draw your thoughts toward something but there is no control over something which the other cannot touch.

    Anything without emotion is nearly impossible for me. Note my personality type. I can pretend to be unemotional, or less emotional, for a short period of time but it is difficult. I do care whether or not people like me. I don't know if it's personal preference or personality. I think it goes into the fact that I think all people, and all people's opinions, matter. And, since each person matters I would like them to like me and I'm unhappy when they don't. I will then want to know why and want to know if I can fix it and if I can't what damage control I can do.


    Quote Originally Posted by ArtlessFuture View Post
    I think we INFPs can sometimes come across as submissive and easily pushed around. And sometimes we are!

    If you treat her in this way, you will completely come at her from a different angle than what she is expecting. The usual responses would be either ignoring her, attacking her back, or submitting to her. So she probably has a programmed response to those reactions.

    From what you have told us, it seems that she is jealous of you, or perceives you as a threat. Like you said, having a frank conversation will probably not do much with her. Sometimes you have to be imaginative to deal with these sort of people. Don't worry, sooner or later your friends will see her for what she is. But in the meantime, let us know if you make any progress with this.
    Thanks for your comments. We'll see how things go with her. *scratches head* I'm not usually the best at dealing with conflict, especially when I wasn't the one who started it. I'm much better at apologizing than I am at defending myself. I'll let you all know if any progress is made.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
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  2. #42
    Senior Member ed111's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Seriously.
    There's this woman who's begun to hang out recently with the same 'group' that I hang out with. I would say 'insinuated herself within' might be a better term. Everyone seems to think she's innocent but she'll just sort of say or do kind of nasty little things to me. ie. she said "I really liked that skirt and then I realized you were wearing it." Or, we're in the same class and we were supposed to practice with the person behind us and she was behind me so she just got up and walked out and didn't return until the exercise was almost over. Ah, and lately we went to this "movie room" and I told the group "anything but chick flicks" and while I was looking through the movies she picked a chick flick and got the other girls to say ok. Then later, when I was unhappy, she said "oh, was that a chick flick?" What else *is* a romantic comedy with no plot *other* than a chick flick? And then she was like "I guess that's the trouble of doing things in groups, someone's always disappointed."
    I really can't tell if anyone else can tell how she's behaving toward me and I don't spend time with her so I don't really feel like I can just invite her to coffee and say "so, you don't like me." Also, the stuff she says is just...it seems subtly mean, so if I call her on it she could easily say that I just didn't understand and then I would look rash and stupid. But...Why on earth doesn't she like me?!
    She's ESFx. And, I think she may be an Artisan. Why? Shes' a drama teacher, she seems really disingenuine to me, she thinks that 'oh, because I felt it' is a valid reason for doing anything.
    Any ideas? How should I respond? I normally try to avoid unhappy conflict.

    This might sound extreme but if she were making me feel very upset, I'd stop hanging around with that group of friends.

    Seriously though life's too short to be bothered with this kind of stuff which is why I tend to prefer my own company.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArtlessFuture View Post
    I think we INFPs can sometimes come across as submissive and easily pushed around. And sometimes we are!

    I would suggest that you think of something to say that is unemotional. I would ask her a question. Let's take the skirt comment for instance. You could have just played dumb and said something like, "So the skirt is ugly because I'm wearing it? I don't understand." This is a tactic I have personally been looking to try out. If you said something like that, it has to be completely devoid of aggression or sarcasm. You need to sound genuinely baffled or confused. I guarantee it will knock her for a loop. If she were to repeat herself by stating, "yes. its ugly because you are wearing it." You could come back with something like, "That doesn't make any sense to me. Why would a clothing item's beauty change based on something like that?" And just continue to pretend that you are genuinely confused by her statements, and see what happens.

    If you treat her in this way, you will completely come at her from a different angle than what she is expecting. The usual responses would be either ignoring her, attacking her back, or submitting to her. So she probably has a programmed response to those reactions.

    From what you have told us, it seems that she is jealous of you, or perceives you as a threat. Like you said, having a frank conversation will probably not do much with her. Sometimes you have to be imaginative to deal with these sort of people. Don't worry, sooner or later your friends will see her for what she is. But in the meantime, let us know if you make any progress with this.
    I like that idea. Throwing someone by pretending you don't understand. Worth a try in difficult situations. Especially for those of us who hate open conflict.

  4. #44

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    Quote Originally Posted by ConchShell View Post
    I like that idea. Throwing someone by pretending you don't understand. Worth a try in difficult situations. Especially for those of us who hate open conflict.
    I wish I could find some information about that tactic on the interwebs, but I haven't been able to so far. I was talking to a therapist who suggested it. Its basically used to diffuse a tense situation. He called it "changing the context." You may diffuse the person enough to actually be able to get through to them!

    I do think its very strategic for us NFs who hate conflict, and generally suck at it. Also, to the OP, it seems like a natural transition, because she states that when people attack her like that, she feels shock and confusion. So its really not much of a stretch!!

    This might sound extreme but if she were making me feel very upset, I'd stop hanging around with that group of friends.

    Seriously though life's too short to be bothered with this kind of stuff which is why I tend to prefer my own company.
    I think this would only be a last resort. This just rubs me the wrong way, though. If you are allowing this person to have so much control over you that you would actually abandon all your friends, then the problem is within you. You are giving her what she wants. Generally, someone who is into personal attacks is trying to achieve one of two things. They want you to leave so they can have the group to themselves, or they want you to get in line and be intimidated by them.

    Now, if they spread lies about you to the others, and they turned away from you, then that would be different.

  5. #45
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Depends on who doesn't like me. If it's someone I hate as well, then I'm fine with it. If it's someone I do like, then I get nervous and try to get them to like me again.
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
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  6. #46
    Senior Member ed111's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArtlessFuture View Post

    I think this would only be a last resort. This just rubs me the wrong way, though. If you are allowing this person to have so much control over you that you would actually abandon all your friends, then the problem is within you. You are giving her what she wants. Generally, someone who is into personal attacks is trying to achieve one of two things. They want you to leave so they can have the group to themselves, or they want you to get in line and be intimidated by them.

    Now, if they spread lies about you to the others, and they turned away from you, then that would be different.
    You're right that it's a last resort, but it's a resort I'd get to pretty quickly. Don't misunderstand me, I'm a very assertive person and can easily deal with conflict, but there comes a point where I can't be bothered, especially if someone's being deliberately bitchy. It's the kind of behaviour you see in playgrounds at school, and the only reason people stay in that situation is because they have to. I'm sure my real friends would ask me why I wasn't hanging around with them any longer.

  7. #47
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    How do you deal with someone not liking you?

    I don't really mind if somebody doens't like me.
    But I feel somebody has strong negative emotions for me, then I'll try to avoid them or if I'll have to deal with them (e.g at wor), then I'll just try to deal with it saying that we are different kind of people etc.

  8. #48

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    It's the kind of behaviour you see in playgrounds at school, and the only reason people stay in that situation is because they have to. I'm sure my real friends would ask me why I wasn't hanging around with them any longer.
    Yeah... I would definitely speak to the ones I wanted to continue a relationship with, and make sure they knew the real story.

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArtlessFuture View Post
    I wish I could find some information about that tactic on the interwebs, but I haven't been able to so far. I was talking to a therapist who suggested it. Its basically used to diffuse a tense situation. He called it "changing the context." You may diffuse the person enough to actually be able to get through to them!

    I do think its very strategic for us NFs who hate conflict, and generally suck at it. Also, to the OP, it seems like a natural transition, because she states that when people attack her like that, she feels shock and confusion. So its really not much of a stretch!!



    I think this would only be a last resort. This just rubs me the wrong way, though. If you are allowing this person to have so much control over you that you would actually abandon all your friends, then the problem is within you. You are giving her what she wants. Generally, someone who is into personal attacks is trying to achieve one of two things. They want you to leave so they can have the group to themselves, or they want you to get in line and be intimidated by them.

    Now, if they spread lies about you to the others, and they turned away from you, then that would be different.
    I did wonder where you got that tip from. I've banked the idea for potential future use if I ever need to try it. Fortunately I can't think of anyone who I'd try it out on at the moment.

    Regarding the main question: how do I deal with someone not liking me? I have to agree with Saint Kar here. It depends on who it is. If it's someone I don't have much respect for then it doesn't bother me. It's like 'I don't really care for your opinion.' However, if it's someone I like and respect, then I find it disturbing. The latter doesn't happen very often though. The feeling of like or dislike is usually mutual. On the very rare occasion that someone I respect and like doesn't like me, I usually get out of their way.

  10. #50
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Truth to be told no one really dislikes me. So I don't deal with this kinds of relations between people. People can get annoyed by my aproach in some situations but no one really dislikes me in real life.

    I don't have any close friendships but I have 0 enemies as well.

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