[ENFP] ENFPs: Hopeless Flirts?

[kyuuei]

I had in mind a scenario when you already suspect someone is misinterpreting you. But there's no way that you can be sure unless they say something about it. So I think it would be their fault for not communicating that, unless the ENFP was knowingly leading them on.

This is exactly what frustrates me. People assume, make decisions, and act without ever allowing me in the loop. Men ABSOLUTELY love to make decisions for me as if they're so into my mind that they already know what I'm thinking and what I'm saying.

It's both people's responsibilities. I am always very clear in my intentions, and when my jokes or friendly behavior betrays someone's earlier thoughts, I correct them as soon as they say something. The problem is... people don't like to do that saying something. They allow me to remain clueless of the change, and they keep assuming and then when they finally do.. they get pissed off AT ME for my behavior and for 'not saying anything sooner'!

It just means that some people like "connecting" more than they like being taken seriously.

Depending on the situation, yes. I have no desire to be taken seriously by people who aren't serious or during conversations not made to be serious. I wouldn't think friendly behavior that seems flirtacious to some would be at all inserted into a serious conversation.

I do think that you can be friendly and lighthearted sometimes, and serious other times. If you're always one way or another it's not much fun.

 

[Biaxident]

I'm getting dizzy. Let's summarize.

Overly sensitive people, people in a committed relationship, and those with interpersonal communication problems, shouldn't flirt.

And those people who do, should learn to read other people well enough to understand if/when they interpret it incorrectly. And be ready to stop and apologize if necessary.

And if they accidentally hurt someone they should commit harakiri to extirpate their shame.

 

[Salomé]

^ Or people who work, apparently...

"We expected that people who enjoy these acts would derive some benefits from them," she added. "We were very surprised to find that even those who say they enjoy it do not benefit from it."

Berdahl offered a possible explanation.

"Research in our culture has shown that such sexual behaviour connotes domination and subordinance; therefore, the effects can be negative, even if the person is not conscious of it."

Hmmmm......

 

[kyuuei]

^ Sexual conversation at work amongst opposing sexes is never beneficial. I could have told you that without the study

 

[Salomé]

It was the dominance/subordination and unconscious effects that I found interesting.

 

[ajblaise]

It was the dominance/subordination and unconscious effects that I found interesting.

I wish they said what the negative unconscious effects were... now I'll never know.

 

[Salomé]

I wish they said what the negative unconscious effects were... now I'll never know.

Makes you bark like a dog. Apparently.

employees who were most positive about enjoying sexually charged discussions tended to report they felt less valued and were less productive than those who didn't. And they showed symptoms of depression more often than the employees who frowned on sexual banter in their office, the study's authors concluded. The findings appear in the journal of applied psychology.

Kinda flies in the face of the whole, warmth and bonding argument.
Which is what the researchers were expecting to find.

 

[Udog]

Kinda flies in the face of the whole, warmth and bonding argument.
Which is what the researchers were expecting to find.

If the flirting in the article is anything like the flirting I see at my work, it doesn't surprise me. These people are not flirting to create warmth and bonding.

 

[Salomé]

If the flirting in the article is anything like the flirting I see at my work, it doesn't surprise me. These people are not flirting to create warmth and bonding.

Can you expand?

 

[Udog]

Can you expand?

I f t h e f l i r t i n g i n t he a r t i c l e i s a n y t h i n g l i k e t h e f l i r t i n g I s e e a t m y w o r k , i t d o e s n ' t s u r p r i s e m e . T h e s e p e o p l e a r e n o t f l i r t i n g t o c r e a t e w a r m t h a n d b o n d i n g .

Okay, okay... First, my work is probably only 15% female, and most of the men are > 45, so that may affect the dynamic... possibly by exaggerating it.

On the male side, the few cute women in the company are pretty objectified. I see the guys flirt with these girls, and then I hear what they say afterward. These guys clearly enjoy the flirtation, but outside of fleeting pleasure it doesn't seem to offer much.

Also, any bond they create tends to be tainted by the work and political atmosphere. The teasing, joking, challenging, and misdirection that can be involved with flirting doesn't fit in well when the games must stop and things need to get done now.

On the female side, the women who are the largest flirts (in my company) are usually doing it with upper management to get their voices heard or get what they want. (This isn't counting a couple of women who are just pleasant and friendly, and one woman who would flirt with the doorknob if the office door was locked.)

 

[bluebell]

Really cannot be more honest than telling you bluntly: "hey, I'm just having some fun, plz tell me to stop if you don't enjoy it, and yes, I am taken." Sorry. If that doesn't tell the other person what the deal is, what does?

Maybe it's the actions speak louder than words thing.

Just look at it this way. What if your natural way of approaching *everyone* was considered flirting to most people. It's a weird strength that can be used in a good way or bad way.

I got a little annoyed by this statement and took me a while to work out why. What if your natural way of approaching *everyone* was considered socially unacceptable and nobody understood it?

I've had to learn and adapt to how other people like to interact. I guess I don't see 'oh, but it's my natural way of interacting' as a particularly valid argument if the interactions have some negative side-effects.

 

[Salomé]

Can you expand?

And?

ex·pand (k-spnd)
v. ex·pand·ed, ex·pand·ing, ex·pands
v.tr.
1. To increase the size, volume, quantity, or scope of; enlarge
2. To express at length or in detail; enlarge on:

I always think expound sounds poncey.

one woman who would flirt with the doorknob if the office door was locked.)

LOL.

 

[Salomé]

I got a little annoyed by this statement and took me a while to work out why. What if your natural way of approaching *everyone* was considered socially unacceptable and nobody understood it?

I've had to learn and adapt to how other people like to interact. I guess I don't see 'oh, but it's my natural way of interacting' as a particularly valid argument if the interactions have some negative side-effects.

I agree. I think I said something similar back on page 90980980.
But I wonder if there's more to it than that?

 

[Oberon]

I'm a pretty blunt person in my own shy way. If I'm flirting with someone, I'm basically asking for sex.. or for a potential date.

Hey k, let's make a deal... let's agree that if we ever meet in person, we're just making friendly conversation unless and until one of us says "Hey, let's do it."

That will prevent any ambiguity.

 

[Laurie]

Maybe it's the actions speak louder than words thing.

I got a little annoyed by this statement and took me a while to work out why. What if your natural way of approaching *everyone* was considered socially unacceptable and nobody understood it?

Yes but that is not what I was talking about. Being naturally nice and outgoing is not a negative trait. It seems that there is animosity in this thread that isn't about ENFP's coming across naturally as flirtatious. There is no way to counter people being upset that they think someone else is flirting.

I was not discussing someone who is flirting. Amar and other adults are flirting and admit it. (I don't care either way what she does though ) I can see it bothering people if they see someone who is married flirting. I was actually talking about the natural inclination of an ENFP to come across as if everyone is special to them.

I've mentioned this before, I was in my early 20s and was being nice to some early 20s guy who came into the KFC I was working at. I smiled at him and interacted with him like anyone else that would have come in. When he left a lady said "wow you were flirting with him" I was a newlywed and absolutely was not flirting with him. He called the restaurant up on the phone and asked me out. I was actually in shock. I had no idea that people would think I was flirting with him. I was just working.

Just because an ENFP has possibly an easier time flirting because they are naturally nice and outgoing doesn't make them flirts. I can see how it could be intimidating to be in competition with someone who is a "natural" flirt and I assume some of the animosity is from that. Of course, the ENFP dorkiness probably makes up for it somewhat.

 

[kyuuei]

Hey k, let's make a deal... let's agree that if we ever meet in person, we're just making friendly conversation unless and until one of us says "Hey, let's do it."

That will prevent any ambiguity.

Is this sarcasm? I'm just saying, I'm not a very subtle person. When I've had motivation to be flirtacious, no man has ever mistaken it. They only mistake my friendly nature because they interpret what they want, despite knowing me to be pretty honest in every other department.

I don't like playing cat and mouse games.. but I will play with mice

 

[Oberon]

Is this sarcasm?

Oddly for me, no.

The trick is that for me, with someone I was comfortable with, saying "Hey, let's do it" was completely in the cards. Very possible.

I once propositioned a woman by simply walking out of her bathroom naked. Though it was a completely non-verbal approach, it communicated effectively.

And successfully, as it turned out...

 

[seeker22]

what happens when you don't really think you're flirting, but others do? That seems to be what the ENFPs are frustrated with.

BINGO.

 

[kyuuei]

^ Hahahaha!! Too awesome!! Yes, I'm the sort thats very shy until the connection is established.. I'm shy in public settings ALL the time, but in private, the other side of my not-so-subtle nature definitely comes out.

I would appreciate your sort of attitude over the person that assumes and makes decisions for me anyday of the week.

 

[Lady_X]

Yes but that is not what I was talking about. Being naturally nice and outgoing is not a negative trait. It seems that there is animosity in this thread that isn't about ENFP's coming across naturally as flirtatious. There is no way to counter people being upset that they think someone else is flirting.

I was not discussing someone who is flirting. Amar and other adults are flirting and admit it. (I don't care either way what she does though ) I can see it bothering people if they see someone who is married flirting. I was actually talking about the natural inclination of an ENFP to come across as if everyone is special to them.

I've mentioned this before, I was in my early 20s and was being nice to some early 20s guy who came into the KFC I was working at. I smiled at him and interacted with him like anyone else that would have come in. When he left a lady said "wow you were flirting with him" I was a newlywed and absolutely was not flirting with him. He called the restaurant up on the phone and asked me out. I was actually in shock. I had no idea that people would think I was flirting with him. I was just working.

Just because an ENFP has possibly an easier time flirting because they are naturally nice and outgoing doesn't make them flirts. I can see how it could be intimidating to be in competition with someone who is a "natural" flirt and I assume some of the animosity is from that. Of course, the ENFP dorkiness probably makes up for it somewhat.

this bit is HILARIOUS!!!