Yeah, and I'd like some advice about this ... because what do you do about it when it's not just that take a long time to find what you want, but that you still don't know what you want? It kind of sits there and smolders in the back of my mind.
I want to do something which I am passionate about and which is a service to others, but I ... don't know what to do. I don't know how to be useful, and there's a sense in which everyone can just start with themselves, doing what they enjoy and making themselves happy by sharing their own sense of culture instead of keeping it locked up inside as though it weren't good enough to share ... because truly, if you want to be unhappy, keeping your own sense of beauty locked up is the quickest way ... but if no one has any use for your own sense of beauty, is it still beautiful?
It's kind of a dilemma. I mean, whatever you find beautiful, you have to be realistic enough to mold it and shape it so that others can receive it. I mean, you can never forget about your audience and instead insist on some kind of purity that takes you away from ever being able to present it to others in a practical way. Is this making any sense at all? You can't just close up and insist on the purity of your own culture like China did a thousand years ago, to which it then DID lag behind despite itself and only recently catches up. But just as little can you be happy only doing what you think is most helpful, such as those who go and pursue fields were they can make a lot of money, indicating society values them, but where is the passion?
I've pursued things I was passionate about to find it only took me away from people ... toward people, yes, but ... now I just sound like I'm complaining of no one understanding which is ... disgusting.
Reminds me of ...
[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP-ugoF-www"]Toonami promotional: Dreams[/YOUTUBE]
But it's okay. I can start over. Because when you shed all defenses and are willing to start anew with your own naked, vital core, I know--I know this--that you find you have a lot more to begin with than you thought. He who was stripped of name and pride has, in a moment, surpassed all self-consuming doubt, as though inverting the world, diving beneath the surface where above there are only comparisons of who grows tallest and holds the most beautiful crowning flower, to the roots below, where there is community, and there is life. The world grows out of this surface, estranging itself from itself in endless division, but there is always something beyond the external and alien, like the space between things which relate them and draw them under again.
Whatever you do, it's okay. It only has to make you happy. Don't say it's not good enough, or that you are a fool for wasting your time on what you enjoy or love. It only has to make you smile or sing a little. Trust only in that. Don't wonder if it is good enough for others. Take them all, and stand them up against the wall. Take from them, as through tearing off their name tag, all the things they would say about your insufficiency. Place upon them a new tag saying "I want only that you be happy". Place this upon every one of them, and make those tags stick in your mind like the truth. Say, "this is the true state of things". And now dismiss them. Go about what it was that brought you a smile and NOW KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE, that you fulfilling the dreams of everyone you know for NOTHING MORE than the mere smile on your face, the song in your heart, the color you have given all the world around you.
I've been listening to this song recently because it makes me smile
[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV-HPOHu8mY"]Jimmy Eat World - The Middle[/YOUTUBE]
I feel very socially behind too though because I find I separate myself from what others do or say. I don't see something I'm capable of in what they do or say, so it just appears kind of alien, and I get a kind of slight "how did you do that?" feeling, as though whatever that person said expressed a kind of fluency in speaking or relating which, instead of responding to naturally like I should, I get stuck in awe of that person's social feats, like they are on a level beyond me. I do it just all the time.
Respect from others never matters one iota until you withhold it from yourself.