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  1. #1
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    Default advice needed: INFP's and Passivity

    Hi. I want to ask some advice from fellow NF's. First I am going to ask a general question, and then a specific one. (feel free to answer/ignore as you please)

    General: how, as an INFP, can I be less passive and make more active decisions? i.e., make decisions rather than think about things and torture myself all the time? I always sort of let things happen to me. I fall into a victim mentality and I have a terrible time making decisions. Any tips?

    Specific: well, I am trying to decide how I can be active and decisive about a specific situation. I wrote in another thread how I have a friend who is an ENFJ, who I have romantic feelings for, but who does not share my feelings. So, it is rather difficult to be friends with him. BUT, I have no choice but to see him all the time for the next two months. And, we have been offered a job that we have to do together and which is a really good opportunity. Any advice on how I can pull myself together over the next 2 months? Anyone been in this situation?

    thank you.

  2. #2
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    General: I've been there to and I constantly battle with the "victim-scenario". I kind of put the things I would like to happen in front of me and then I put the things I know will happen if I do nothing and compare them. And if the "would-like" goes waaaay surplus the "do nothing", I do it. Even if it beats me to death trying to do it, in my head.

    Specific: If you can ask him clearly to do it in a "job" kind of way. Impersonal and stick to the schedule, then that might be your best shot.

    Your welcome. I hope that my experience is workable.
    Open for interpretation.
    Jo
    Fell for the temptation: Nohari / Johari

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gtzk View Post
    General: I've been there to and I constantly battle with the "victim-scenario". I kind of put the things I would like to happen in front of me and then I put the things I know will happen if I do nothing and compare them. And if the "would-like" goes waaaay surplus the "do nothing", I do it. Even if it beats me to death trying to do it, in my head.

    Specific: If you can ask him clearly to do it in a "job" kind of way. Impersonal and stick to the schedule, then that might be your best shot.

    Your welcome. I hope that my experience is workable.
    thanks! that was helpful.

    by the way, you live in China?? me, too!

  4. #4
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    I don't know if this is much help, but I always have trouble making decisions, too. I waver back and forth about everything, even menu items at a restaurant. I finally order something, and then I wonder if I should have ordered the other thing. For me, it's helped to just sort of say, "Self, you have to make a decision." Once I've made a decision, I have to remind myself that it is useless to wonder what "might have happened" or if I did the best thing. Sometimes I view it in terms of a "choose your own adventure" -- my life could go any way, but since I've made this choice, now I have to focus on it and see what adventures await! (Even if it's just coffee vs. tea.) Viewing it as an adventure helps me look forward instead of feeling in limbo with worry or regret.

    I've never thought about it until now, but what I do is actually visualize myself taking a deep breath and "jumping in" to whatever decision it is I plan to make. In my head, I stick all the worries and wondering in a nice little package and visualize myself dropping it at a crossroads or shutting a door behind it. It probably sounds a little spacey, but it works very well for me and helps me not freak out about silly little things.

    When it comes to being attracted to people I don't want to be attracted to, sometimes I put my imagination to use and it can work for me. I think about the little things the person does or says that make me feel attracted, and then I try to reframe them in my head or prepare myself for how I'm going to react when they happen. Sometimes imagining that those things have no effect on me or I'm cold to them actually helps me feel less fiery in real life. Also, I try to think about negative qualities in the person, and focus on all the reasons they bother me or would be bad for me. This has helped balance me out so I don't get "over the top" with goofy emotions. Attraction is attraction, so it's difficult to ignore, but these things have helped me in the past.

    I just realized this whole post is basically about how I talk to myself and see things that aren't there. Fantastic.

  5. #5
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bearette View Post
    Specific: well, I am trying to decide how I can be active and decisive about a specific situation. I wrote in another thread how I have a friend who is an ENFJ, who I have romantic feelings for, but who does not share my feelings. So, it is rather difficult to be friends with him. BUT, I have no choice but to see him all the time for the next two months. And, we have been offered a job that we have to do together and which is a really good opportunity. Any advice on how I can pull myself together over the next 2 months? Anyone been in this situation?
    I'm assuming he already knows this and a discussion already occurred? How I would deal with the situation? I would tell him exactly how I see the situation. Tell him what's previously mentioned.. I think openly/honestly communicating would really get some stuff off the chest/make things less awkward. After wards, I would focus mostly on the project (regardless of how weird it may feel), remind myself about the original goals, and imagine success!

    I think the more we prepare ourselves for a positive outcome, the more likely it will happen, so long as we face things upfront and are constructive about it?.. G'Luck.

  6. #6
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bearette View Post
    General: how, as an INFP, can I be less passive and make more active decisions? i.e., make decisions rather than think about things and torture myself all the time? I always sort of let things happen to me. I fall into a victim mentality and I have a terrible time making decisions. Any tips?
    1) Not making a decision is essentially making a decision. You are deciding to accept whatever life gives you.

    2) Decisions are rarely 100% 'right' or 100% 'wrong'. If I make a wrong choice, yes, I may have some regret. However, I'll also be able to learn from it and have some sort of closure. If I make no decision, then I usually spend a much longer time wondering 'what if'. I can kill myself with 'what ifs', so I've learned to avoid them.

    Specific: well, I am trying to decide how I can be active and decisive about a specific situation. I wrote in another thread how I have a friend who is an ENFJ, who I have romantic feelings for, but who does not share my feelings. So, it is rather difficult to be friends with him. BUT, I have no choice but to see him all the time for the next two months. And, we have been offered a job that we have to do together and which is a really good opportunity. Any advice on how I can pull myself together over the next 2 months? Anyone been in this situation?
    I'm echoing prior advice, but since you can't take a cool off period I'd keep it business only. From your previous thread, he seems to understand and is willing to give you the space you need - take advantage of that.

  7. #7
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    Quote Originally Posted by bearette View Post
    thanks! that was helpful.

    by the way, you live in China?? me, too!

    Hah! Awesome. Didn't think I'd find someone here to actually live nearby ;P
    What district you in? :3
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    Fell for the temptation: Nohari / Johari

  8. #8

  9. #9
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jewelchild View Post
    I don't know if this is much help, but I always have trouble making decisions, too. I waver back and forth about everything, even menu items at a restaurant. I finally order something, and then I wonder if I should have ordered the other thing. For me, it's helped to just sort of say, "Self, you have to make a decision." Once I've made a decision, I have to remind myself that it is useless to wonder what "might have happened" or if I did the best thing. Sometimes I view it in terms of a "choose your own adventure" -- my life could go any way, but since I've made this choice, now I have to focus on it and see what adventures await! (Even if it's just coffee vs. tea.) Viewing it as an adventure helps me look forward instead of feeling in limbo with worry or regret.
    That's why I order all kinds of different things. xD
    And sure, I am full even after half a portion ... but I want to try them all. So, a spoon here and there and everywhere.
    It somehow helps now that I can't read the menu. xD And that I always eat outside. ;P
    For 6 quay (0.6 ) it's worth it ;P
    Open for interpretation.
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