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  1. #1
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Default INFJ + INFJ Concerns...

    Okay guys.

    Me (girl) = INFJ, and him = INFJ.

    We had an amazing thing going for a couple of months. We were both amazed by how well we understood each other and how comforting it was to finally find someone who could. Everything matched up. We even had incredible chemistry.

    However, here's what went wrong, and I need help understanding.

    I think he's a really mature guy for his age 21, however, he feels that he needs to grow up. He's hurt girls in his past relationships by being uncaring and generally an ass. With me, he really doesn't want to hurt me, and broke up with me because he's convinced that he'd sabotage our relationship due to his immaturity and that he needs to take time to figure himself out.

    I want to be there for him and provide any comfort I can. Of course, I didn't take it so well, because I don't truly believe he has any major issues. But I trust him and if he thinks he's doing the right thing, then he probably is.

    Here are my questions:

    1. If I stay close to him, as a friend, will I hurt/hinder him or help him? Will it put me in any line of fire?

    2. After he "fixes" himself, does it seem possible that he'd come back to me? He's convinced himself that I'm too good for him, that I'm perfect. Will he still want to be with me?

    I'm afraid of negative answers to both, being an INFJ myself and knowing that once I get past someone, I never return to the prospect, and I don't want to lose him. I also don't want to hurt myself by hoping that he'll return to me.

    I guess it's hard, with an INFJ trying to understand the actions of another INFJ. You'd think it'd be easy, but we're each such complicated individuals... things get very convoluted.

  2. #2
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    I almost hesitate to tell you this, but in almost every case I've ever heard of (and experienced), when a guy says he needs to figure himself out and breaks up with you he's got either one or several other girls he wants to pursue.

    Sorry. I hope I'm wrong!

  3. #3
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    I almost hesitate to tell you this, but in almost every case I've ever heard of (and experienced), when a guy says he needs to figure himself out and breaks up with you he's got either one or several other girls he wants to pursue.

    Sorry. I hope I'm wrong!
    Heh. Yeah, I don't think so... he'd let me know if there was. We've been completely honest with each other every step of the way.

  4. #4
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    Yay! I'm glad to hear that.

    By the way, check out my post about you in the "tell other members what you think of them" thread -- I posted a picture of my INFJ mom from the sixties and you really look like her!

    As far as the boy goes, since you know he's not into anyone else, I think you should NOT hope for him to come back (because if you do it will hurt you while you wait, especially if he never does return to you, and if he does return it'll be a really great surprise). Being friends is tricky, because it might make the psychological distance you need from each other right now difficult. Then again, if you're sure he doesn't really need to be detaching from you in the first place, stay friends and he'll probably fall into your arms again.

    Good luck!

  5. #5
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    Yay! I'm glad to hear that.

    By the way, check out my post about you in the "tell other members what you think of them" thread -- I posted a picture of my INFJ mom from the sixties and you really look like her!

    As far as the boy goes, since you know he's not into anyone else, I think you should NOT hope for him to come back (because if you do it will hurt you while you wait, especially if he never does return to you, and if he does return it'll be a really great surprise). Being friends is tricky, because it might make the psychological distance you need from each other right now difficult. Then again, if you're sure he doesn't really need to be detaching from you in the first place, stay friends and he'll probably fall into your arms again.

    Good luck!
    Yeah, that's the thing. He does want us to stay friends, and he even mentioned that he would've liked to get to know me better as a friend first before we jumped into our relationship. But I think that the distance (he already lives in another state, so it's not like we see each other daily) would help both of us. I'm not sure. :/

  6. #6
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    I think it would help, too. It's not as if you can never talk to him again if you take a little break/space.

    What happened to me is that I was dating an ISFP. We seemed perfect together. After about a year together, he told me he didn't love me that way anymore but that it wasn't me, it was that he needed to figure himself out and he wasn't ready (he WAS 5 years younger than me). I had a hard time with it, but understood. People told me he was probably interested in another girl, but I couldn't believe it. I asked him if it was that, and he said an emphatic NO.

    Well, a year and a half later, when I'd moved on and was happy with my new ISFJ boyfriend, Mr. ISFP writes me all apologetic and it turns out he had been with another girl who dumped him. My INFJ best friend told me that he most certainly wrote me to try and get back together with me, but after he found out I was unavailable his contact fizzled out.

    The thing is, if I hadn't found someone new, I would've gone back with the ISFP, because I loved him that much and hoped he'd come back for me (for at least six months after our breakup or more). Too late. We didn't stay friends during the breakup though.

    But now I'm happier that I moved on, and glad I found my ISFJ, who is really a better person than the ISFP I lost (even though I adored him and in many ways he WAS great).

    Sometimes (most times) I think moving on is the healthiest thing. You may find someone who is even better for you (like an even healthier INFJ, for instance?)...

    I hope you figure it out because I know how hard stuff like this can be!

  7. #7
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    I think it would help, too. It's not as if you can never talk to him again if you take a little break/space.

    What happened to me is that I was dating an ISFP. We seemed perfect together. After about a year together, he told me he didn't love me that way anymore but that it wasn't me, it was that he needed to figure himself out and he wasn't ready (he WAS 5 years younger than me). I had a hard time with it, but understood. People told me he was probably interested in another girl, but I couldn't believe it. I asked him if it was that, and he said an emphatic NO.

    Well, a year and a half later, when I'd moved on and was happy with my new ISFJ boyfriend, Mr. ISFP writes me all apologetic and it turns out he had been with another girl who dumped him. My INFJ best friend told me that he most certainly wrote me to try and get back together with me, but after he found out I was unavailable his contact fizzled out.

    The thing is, if I hadn't found someone new, I would've gone back with the ISFP, because I loved him that much and hoped he'd come back for me (for at least six months after our breakup or more). Too late. We didn't stay friends during the breakup though.

    But now I'm happier that I moved on, and glad I found my ISFJ, who is really a better person than the ISFP I lost (even though I adored him and in many ways he WAS great).

    Sometimes (most times) I think moving on is the healthiest thing. You may find someone who is even better for you (like an even healthier INFJ, for instance?)...

    I hope you figure it out because I know how hard stuff like this can be!
    Thanks! Yeah, I mean... I can't write that possibility off, but I highly, highly doubt it. His friends would know and so would mine. Plus, his psychological concerns have been there from the beginning.

    But yeah. I'll have to move on. I've learned through too many other instances that I have to do that, because I only hurt myself and I've had enough of that.

    It's funny. He's the 3rd INFJ I've dated. The two previous had their own issues and we also didn't meet up on the important issues (religiously, for one). With him, I though I'd finally found everything I wanted. I think he's just fine the way he is, so it's a little ironic that he's the one that decides he needs to improve as a person (which is something that INFJ are always striving for). Each of us works for perfection, or close to it. So, i can appreciate it, I suppose.

  8. #8
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    You sorta look like Clare from Claymore in your avatar. And that's gotta be the nerdiest comment I made today, but really felt like it.

    Anyhow. I've been in the same situation as the guy, me being the one saying I need space and time to myself and couldn't focus on the relationship. For me it was because I honestly believed I didn't deserve the girl. And she deserved someone better than me. I was at the time still struggling with my past. And I was right, I didn't deserve her, because me believing that I didn't deserve her was more then enough to actually not deserve her.

    I know I was being a dumbass prick by doing that so save me the lectures. Was too troubled at the time. :P

    In any case, he has baggage.

    If he doesn't want to have a relationship, no matter what reason he has, then you do deserve better. He needs to do whatever it takes to be with you, or shouldn't be with you at all.

  9. #9
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Oh by the way, I didn't get back with that girl and would not count on it either. By the time I felt I was ready for relationships again it was a year later, I did consider talking to her about it, but since she was dating another guy and seemed genuinly happy I let it go and moved on.

    So, what I mean is. After several months. Feelings dissapate. Simple as. Maybe he will work things out and be ready some time later, but don't wait for that, look for other people and move on. If he does come back and you're single and still potentially interested, make sure he has his baggage sorted.

  10. #10
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    He's scared. Maybe he subconsciously wants you to convince him that you want to be with him through his actualization process? Or that you think of him as somehow "equal" to you.

    He probably doesn't understand why you want to be with him -- he's convinced you can find someone better. His brake-up seems like a test. If you accept it, he was right. If you fight him, he may be convinced that you care more than he currently thinks.

    (This is very interesting to me since I'm dealing with the beginnings of getting involved with another INFJ myself.)

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