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  1. #21
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    Here are my questions:

    1. If I stay close to him, as a friend, will I hurt/hinder him or help him? Will it put me in any line of fire?
    That's a very personal question that only he can answer. Right now, it seems like he wants to try the friendship thing. He may or may not need to change that later, but that's his responsibility to tell you.

    2. After he "fixes" himself, does it seem possible that he'd come back to me? He's convinced himself that I'm too good for him, that I'm perfect. Will he still want to be with me?
    Yes, it's possible, but certainly not guaranteed.

    A) He needs to fix himself, and some people never fully succeed.
    B) Neither you nor him will know where his mind will be when he does fix himself. He may discover he needs something else out of relationships, or he may slap himself in the forehead for letting you go. Tossing a coin up in the air is as good as any way to try and predict this.

    It will probably be best for you to move on when you are emotionally ready to. No need to rush. If it's meant to be between you two, you both will very likely be drawn back to each other in the future.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    I think he's a really mature guy for his age 21, however, he feels that he needs to grow up. He's hurt girls in his past relationships by being uncaring and generally an ass. With me, he really doesn't want to hurt me, and broke up with me because he's convinced that he'd sabotage our relationship due to his immaturity and that he needs to take time to figure himself out.
    Sounds like he's acting like an INFJ male alright.

    I honestly wish I could give some real helpful advice right now; but I'm afraid I'm just at a loss for words at the moment. I don't know if I can add onto what has already been stated.

    For what it's worth, you do have my deepest sympathies. I've had to go through numerous incidents like these before, and yes they can be a heavy burden upon your heart.


  3. #23
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    Okay guys.

    Me (girl) = INFJ, and him = INFJ.

    We had an amazing thing going for a couple of months. We were both amazed by how well we understood each other and how comforting it was to finally find someone who could. Everything matched up. We even had incredible chemistry.

    However, here's what went wrong, and I need help understanding.

    I think he's a really mature guy for his age 21, however, he feels that he needs to grow up. He's hurt girls in his past relationships by being uncaring and generally an ass. With me, he really doesn't want to hurt me, and broke up with me because he's convinced that he'd sabotage our relationship due to his immaturity and that he needs to take time to figure himself out.

    I want to be there for him and provide any comfort I can. Of course, I didn't take it so well, because I don't truly believe he has any major issues. But I trust him and if he thinks he's doing the right thing, then he probably is.

    Here are my questions:

    1. If I stay close to him, as a friend, will I hurt/hinder him or help him? Will it put me in any line of fire?

    2. After he "fixes" himself, does it seem possible that he'd come back to me? He's convinced himself that I'm too good for him, that I'm perfect. Will he still want to be with me?

    I'm afraid of negative answers to both, being an INFJ myself and knowing that once I get past someone, I never return to the prospect, and I don't want to lose him. I also don't want to hurt myself by hoping that he'll return to me.

    I guess it's hard, with an INFJ trying to understand the actions of another INFJ. You'd think it'd be easy, but we're each such complicated individuals... things get very convoluted.

    Yep you're right, you're too good, perfect...hehe just kidding..

    But he might see the depth of feel you guys have and prefer some lighter banter and play. I know an INFJ friend of mine (mmm about 24yrs. old I guess) and he's into that..loves to flirt and smile with a girl. But when I talk with him he's really heavy...sort of likes it when someone lifts him out of his depth..must be tiring ya know? I've seen him resist or act like he didn't hear at the sound of heavy discussion. He must be thinking a lot that way a lot of the day on his own.

    Sounds like he really appreciates your depth but what would really do him good is to explore lighter things.

    Is that something you feel like doing? If you do, I would definitely make it a point to be up for those things with him...but only if you approach him when you're feeling fun...He already knows your deep feelings for him..So that's something he already trusts is good about you for him.

    I say engage him for the fun stuff...for now. Over time he will "repaint" his mental snapshot of you and feel more attracted because he might want to get away from his own heaviness...

    It's just choosing the times and different circumstances under which you interact. So this is a learning dealio for you guys. This way you work the relationship into working (they're all work regardless of the types of course).

    Thanks I hope this does some good.
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  4. #24
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evan View Post
    He's scared. Maybe he subconsciously wants you to convince him that you want to be with him through his actualization process? Or that you think of him as somehow "equal" to you.

    He probably doesn't understand why you want to be with him -- he's convinced you can find someone better. His brake-up seems like a test. If you accept it, he was right. If you fight him, he may be convinced that you care more than he currently thinks.

    (This is very interesting to me since I'm dealing with the beginnings of getting involved with another INFJ myself.)
    Yea what Evan says I agree...add to it the fun factor and you might just hook him!
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  5. #25
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avatar7 View Post
    Yep you're right, you're too good, perfect...hehe just kidding..

    But he might see the depth of feel you guys have and prefer some lighter banter and play. I know an INFJ friend of mine (mmm about 24yrs. old I guess) and he's into that..loves to flirt and smile with a girl. But when I talk with him he's really heavy...sort of likes it when someone lifts him out of his depth..must be tiring ya know? I've seen him resist or act like he didn't hear at the sound of heavy discussion. He must be thinking a lot that way a lot of the day on his own.

    Sounds like he really appreciates your depth but what would really do him good is to explore lighter things.

    Is that something you feel like doing? If you do, I would definitely make it a point to be up for those things with him...but only if you approach him when you're feeling fun...He already knows your deep feelings for him..So that's something he already trusts is good about you for him.

    I say engage him for the fun stuff...for now. Over time he will "repaint" his mental snapshot of you and feel more attracted because he might want to get away from his own heaviness...

    It's just choosing the times and different circumstances under which you interact. So this is a learning dealio for you guys. This way you work the relationship into working (they're all work regardless of the types of course).

    Thanks I hope this does some good.
    It's funny, because that's how it started out - purely as a, "we have a lot in common, so let's have some fun and get to know each other and see where this goes." He definitely did say he was uncomfortable with how serious it got so fast (just because we're both so similar and fell into it). So, that could be part of the case... he wasn't set out for anything really lasting and didn't want to screw this really great opportunity up and I think wants to have the option open for later when he's ready to commit himself.

    He is a very "heavy" individual... deep things always weighing in on his mind, but mine too. I'm a lot more light hearted and positive about things than he is.

    Anyway, a small update: we're still good friends and it doesn't feel awkward or anything. Is this dangerous? Being so close still?

  6. #26
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    Anyway, a small update: we're still good friends and it doesn't feel awkward or anything. Is this dangerous? Being so close still?
    No, definatly not a bad thing, if you both believe it to be the best then there is no harm.

    It only gets awkward if someone wants more then just friendship, but the other one does not. Rather annoying to try and be just a friend to someone you want to be more than a friend with. But even then it's not impossible, just tough to be able to put your mind off of that.

  7. #27
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    Anyway, a small update: we're still good friends and it doesn't feel awkward or anything. Is this dangerous? Being so close still?
    yeah, it is, but you're not gonna test things or know how they work unless you give them a chance to explore them and make mistakes and take a bit of a risk with the situation.

    as said before, i have the same conflict from his side. i worry about what someone will be able to give me long-term, when you privilege or carve out a space for something particularly meaningful and important to you and designate it for just one relationship. pressure and unrealistic expectations. extraverted feeling makes me a bit leechy at times, always wanting something new to connect with, engage, explore, etc. good, stable, meaningful situations can often come back around if it is a priority in the future. i've revisted the same situation 3 or 4 times and finally this last attempt clicked and felt right/i felt ready for it.

    sometimes i feel like with extraverted feeling, we are more afraid of losing someone than we are committed/convinced to go get them and keep them. i think one of the main relationship issues for infjs is balancing that.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    It's funny, because that's how it started out - purely as a, "we have a lot in common, so let's have some fun and get to know each other and see where this goes." He definitely did say he was uncomfortable with how serious it got so fast (just because we're both so similar and fell into it). So, that could be part of the case... he wasn't set out for anything really lasting and didn't want to screw this really great opportunity up and I think wants to have the option open for later when he's ready to commit himself.

    He is a very "heavy" individual... deep things always weighing in on his mind, but mine too. I'm a lot more light hearted and positive about things than he is.

    Anyway, a small update: we're still good friends and it doesn't feel awkward or anything. Is this dangerous? Being so close still?
    I envision that expectations are what's driving both your...the anxiety...placing anticipation of a fall or a high fault on carefully executed actions by each other from envisioned perspectives, respective to each other but unbeknownst to the two of you...and being concerned one might Fe voice their PiJe to the other person (potentially hurt).

    But..so there may be a way to make this dynamic work in an energizing, good way..

    In other words if you're concerned he doesn't know what yours are of him, and he likewise of you, therein lies the potential for hurt or anticipation of great fall...

    So from your interaction with him you clearly receive and send signals that you both have intrinsic caring for each other, I believe. So there's your foundation. And from indication that you both have fun...and you lighter humored than he perhaps...so as 1+1=1 in relationships (hopefully) you are the one to, when something funny moves into view in the mind's eye, show it to him, share it with him, with the focus on the thing, the joke or the light topic.

    This lightens the overall snapshot of you from him. Then in doing so you both find yourselves aligned to the vision of the talk and this inturn strengthens your bond! How fun!

    That way you have this dual communication connection going on (foundation of intrinsic care + fun) going on (which is special) and like an internal dialogue plus an external dialogue...you both perhaps would hold these things in soul while interacting...like a sort of electricity.

    That's chemistry if I've seen it.

    Best wishes
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  9. #29
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    With me, he really doesn't want to hurt me, and broke up with me because he's convinced that he'd sabotage our relationship due to his immaturity and that he needs to take time to figure himself out.
    I used to be just like that. I've broken off relationships for this reason and it's kept me for starting new relationships.

    I want to be there for him and provide any comfort I can. Of course, I didn't take it so well, because I don't truly believe he has any major issues. But I trust him and if he thinks he's doing the right thing, then he probably is.
    If someone did/said that to me when I was afraid of hurting them, it'd make me feel even MORE guilty and MORE unworthy of them.

    Here are my questions:

    1. If I stay close to him, as a friend, will I hurt/hinder him or help him? Will it put me in any line of fire?
    For me, when something is over, it's OVER. Otherwise I'll never be able to get over the girl and fix whatever needs fixing inside of me. It doesn't put you in the line of fire but it could be a distraction from why he broke up with you in the first place

    2. After he "fixes" himself, does it seem possible that he'd come back to me? He's convinced himself that I'm too good for him, that I'm perfect. Will he still want to be with me?
    Chances are if he sees you as perfect now - he'll see you as perfect even after he's fixed himself. The fear of hurting others is intense for INFJs (but you already know that) - he'll need to to some MAJOR work on his character flaw if he's ever going to get over that fear.

    I see a lot of similarities to him and me 2 years ago. It's possible for him to overcome it but how long will it take? That depends on how serious he is in getting to the root of his fear.

  10. #30
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    What worries me more are the many optimistic and generalizing responses, and it is what you are expecting to hear, but we can't make assumptions which can and may turn out to be wrong. I'd say give it time and don't get too serious, eventually things will clear themselves out and whatever happens will just happen. I'm not quite knowledgeable about all this INFJ and Myers Briggs stuff, but opposites attract.

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