• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] How to end a friendship with an INFJ

Split_Infinitive

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Messages
39
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

I've seen her not notice a friend pushing her away before, possibly on more than one occasion. She usually tries to reconnect with friends because of a need of hers, and never realizes why the friend doesn't return the calls or had quit contacting her. I usually have to bite my tongue when she starts getting upset over it...

She certainly has the paranoia thing going on, but seems to focus it on certain individuals that intrigue her, or certain people whose acceptance she hasn't won. I don't think she realizes that friendships, once created, have to be maintained.
 

something boring

New member
Joined
Feb 9, 2009
Messages
278
MBTI Type
nnja
Enneagram
4w5
What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!

I do this, too. However, I'm more likely to make attempts to resolve whatever it might be if the person has been my friend for a while.
On the other hand, with that much time elapsed already....
Know what? Maybe ignore me here altogether. I'm biased when it comes to ending friendships, and it's showing.
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
So, Paisley1's suggestion box:

"It's not you it's me"

"I'm just really busy right now"

"I'm not picking up your option"

"I'm looking in a different direction"

"You're part of a relational outplacement program"

"You look fat in those pants"

"You are the reason I hate other women"....I can't trust, I feel smothered, I'm worse when you're around, etc, etc, etc, etc, don't have enough etc's memorized.....

So basically, brutal truth!
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
"I'm not picking up your option"

"You are the reason I hate other women"....I can't trust, I feel smothered, I'm worse when you're around, etc, etc, etc, etc, don't have enough etc's memorized.....

:laugh:
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Quickly, yes, things got complicated, but no, it didn't go anywhere. She dropped out of my life suddenly and unexpectedly, only calling to ask for favors. 3 months later, she reveals she has a boyfriend. That's not so bad (did hurt though), but she did several little things to make the blow worse, such as call out of the blue on Christmas day to tell me, etc).

It was bad enough that I had to reevaluate the friendship and try and rebuild it, and I didn't like what I was seeing.

Now, I'm just... empty... when I hang out with her. The conversation is inevitably her being upset about her BF or family, but instead of feeling my natural empathy I just feel empty and pitiless. (This guy had been around for a while, and was clearly nothing but trouble.) It's a feeling I do not like.
She might not know how you feel or that you would feel empty when she talks about her boyfriend. It's important to realize that her behavior is not necessarily intentional. She sounds quite wrapped up in her life and problems. Your description sounds like she takes the friendship for granted at this point, but also relies on it as something she can count on.

It is helpful to know where a person stands, but I'm somewhat inclined to say you should distance yourself since that is the tactic she uses. Often when relating to people, the simplest approach is to use the behaviors and language that are familiar to them. The emotional turmoil with BF is what makes me wonder if it is a good idea to drop the hatchet. I would probably try to get the person set up with another resource (possibly a counselor) for support if they were draining me dry, but i cared about them. I don't think I would make a hard or dramatic rejection about it. These are just suggestions and inclinations, since each situation and person is so fundamentally unique.

What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.
I'm wondering if it is because she is overwhelmed with her problems with BF and his family. She sounds to me like she needs a counselor to talk to - someone who is not personally invested in her life but is reliable and available. In some ways, there is an element of that to how she seems to be approaching Udog. She is placing him in that kind of role, which is not quite right for a friendship, but suggests it is something she needs.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!

It's also possible she HAS noticed it, and does feel that something is off, but doesn't really know how to proceed at this point or is pretending everything is ok. Which would add more weirdness to the situation and might throw her off too.

Or...she might not know at all. I do agree w/ toonia that it sounds like she's got a lot of stuff that she's dealing with and is probably in a more self-absorbed place right now.
 

Tiltyred

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
4,322
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
468
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I think it might be helpful to her if you told her the truth -- if you feel like being helpful one last time -- that you feel she only calls when she wants something, and that she doesn't fulfill the the obligations of friendship, only expects them from you. That your feelings were hurt when she took 2 weeks to return your phone call. That you're tired of talking about her upsets with bf and family. She might be very hurt/embarrassed, and you might have a couple rounds of arguing about it, but in the end, you could possibly save the friendship.

If she could make amends, would you be able to reconsider?

If not, yeah, just stop answering the phone.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Do you just not want the drama of dealing with a woman who is involved with another man?
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
The same way everyone goes about ending a friendship: You stop talking to them in small non-awkward increments over the period of a few weeks.

Introverts...sigh.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
She might not know how you feel or that you would feel empty when she talks about her boyfriend.

No, it's in general. She also has family problems and work problems. In the past I could listen to it without much issue, because I always felt a warmth and comfort around her. It's why I managed to remain friends with her even when I felt the friendship was so uneven. That warmth and comfort is now gone... even when we just small talk.

Whatever connection she had to my deeper side was sick for a long time, but I didn't realize it, and the events killed it off. Like I said, it wasn't just the fact that she found someone, as some hurt was inevitably going to come from that. It was the call on Christmas, the snide remarks, ringing my doorbell, still on the phone with her BF, going into the room I was in, and sweet talking with him for 5-10 minutes before hanging up and putting her attention to me, etc. It was the twisting of the knife...

I'm wondering if it is because she is overwhelmed with her problems with BF and his family. She sounds to me like she needs a counselor to talk to - someone who is not personally invested in her life but is reliable and available. In some ways, there is an element of that to how she seems to be approaching Udog. She is placing him in that kind of role, which is not quite right for a friendship, but suggests it is something she needs.

It's always sort of been my role, although it's less about advice and more about her needing someone to talk to to fully feel and understand her emotions. I might have offered unwanted advice (I didn't understand that Fe sometimes just needs to talk to understand what it's feeling), but I never judged her character. In fact, that she seemed to care about such things made me think more highly of her. I don't know how many people in her life did that did that for her...

I think it might be helpful to her if you told her the truth -- if you feel like being helpful one last time -- that you feel she only calls when she wants something, and that she doesn't fulfill the the obligations of friendship, only expects them from you. That your feelings were hurt when she took 2 weeks to return your phone call. That you're tired of talking about her upsets with bf and family. She might be very hurt/embarrassed, and you might have a couple rounds of arguing about it, but in the end, you could possibly save the friendship.

If she could make amends, would you be able to reconsider?

I'm going to tell a simplified and watered down version of the truth (if pressed, otherwise I'll keep it quick and informal). She needs to know this goes beyond events of the past 2 years, but she doesn't need it piled on.

Do you just not want the drama of dealing with a woman who is involved with another man?

It's more than that, although I won't deny that's a factor. Hopefully I explained it a bit better above.

Why do you ask?
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
It's more than that, although I won't deny that's a factor. Hopefully I explained it a bit better above.

Why do you ask?

Because it's weird considering that it's been 15 years already. I don 't understand why you want to talk to her about this and explain it either. If you want to cut ties, just do it.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Because it's weird considering that it's been 15 years already. I don 't understand why you want to talk to her about this and explain it either. If you want to cut ties, just do it.

The friendship has been 15 years. This crazy wide started about a year and half ago.

As for why? It's all about doing the right thing, trying to respect one of the most important friendships of my life, and other stuff that I've gone on long enough about.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Did you ever tell her in the last year and half that you wanted more than friendship with her?
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I actually told her several months before she started dating her boyfriend. So she knew all along. That's why I feel that her behavior didn't seem very consistent with someone who valued and desired to maintain a friendship.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I actually told her several months before she started dating her boyfriend. So she knew all along. That's why I feel that her behavior didn't seem very consistent with someone who valued and desired to maintain a friendship.


Bingo. You told her, she knew, she chose to pursue another, and you have the right to decide how/if you wish to be involved with her. If she followed her heart then she can't be slighted for that, but just the same you can't be slighted for preserving yourself as you deem necessary.

If it were me I'd just be honest about whatever it is that ails you about your recent relations with her, tell her that you wish to keep what good there is left between you, and what you need in order for that to happen. Then you've been honest, direct, and open; she knows how you feel, and can choose to meet your needs as a friend or not. If she is your friend she will respect your needs.
 

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
How would you do it? --Correction, how do you do it? (Serious question.)

Tell them openly what the problem is and that if they can't do something about it then you don't want to hang out with them anymore.

You might be surprised how often people will accommodate you when you bluntly tell them what the problem is. I think this is a classic T/F misunderstanding: Don't assume that because a certain action would have a particular emotional implication when you do it, it must also intentionally mean the same thing when someone else does. Ts often just aren't considering the emotional implications of their words and actions in any way, and some of us (TPs anyway) are usually open to trying to change that if someone we care about is willing to be honest about it and ask nicely.
 
Top