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  1. #31
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    She might not know how you feel or that you would feel empty when she talks about her boyfriend.
    No, it's in general. She also has family problems and work problems. In the past I could listen to it without much issue, because I always felt a warmth and comfort around her. It's why I managed to remain friends with her even when I felt the friendship was so uneven. That warmth and comfort is now gone... even when we just small talk.

    Whatever connection she had to my deeper side was sick for a long time, but I didn't realize it, and the events killed it off. Like I said, it wasn't just the fact that she found someone, as some hurt was inevitably going to come from that. It was the call on Christmas, the snide remarks, ringing my doorbell, still on the phone with her BF, going into the room I was in, and sweet talking with him for 5-10 minutes before hanging up and putting her attention to me, etc. It was the twisting of the knife...

    I'm wondering if it is because she is overwhelmed with her problems with BF and his family. She sounds to me like she needs a counselor to talk to - someone who is not personally invested in her life but is reliable and available. In some ways, there is an element of that to how she seems to be approaching Udog. She is placing him in that kind of role, which is not quite right for a friendship, but suggests it is something she needs.
    It's always sort of been my role, although it's less about advice and more about her needing someone to talk to to fully feel and understand her emotions. I might have offered unwanted advice (I didn't understand that Fe sometimes just needs to talk to understand what it's feeling), but I never judged her character. In fact, that she seemed to care about such things made me think more highly of her. I don't know how many people in her life did that did that for her...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    I think it might be helpful to her if you told her the truth -- if you feel like being helpful one last time -- that you feel she only calls when she wants something, and that she doesn't fulfill the the obligations of friendship, only expects them from you. That your feelings were hurt when she took 2 weeks to return your phone call. That you're tired of talking about her upsets with bf and family. She might be very hurt/embarrassed, and you might have a couple rounds of arguing about it, but in the end, you could possibly save the friendship.

    If she could make amends, would you be able to reconsider?
    I'm going to tell a simplified and watered down version of the truth (if pressed, otherwise I'll keep it quick and informal). She needs to know this goes beyond events of the past 2 years, but she doesn't need it piled on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Do you just not want the drama of dealing with a woman who is involved with another man?
    It's more than that, although I won't deny that's a factor. Hopefully I explained it a bit better above.

    Why do you ask?

  2. #32

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    Quote Originally Posted by simulatedworld View Post
    Introverts...sigh.
    How would you do it? --Correction, how do you do it? (Serious question.)
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  3. #33
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    It's more than that, although I won't deny that's a factor. Hopefully I explained it a bit better above.

    Why do you ask?
    Because it's weird considering that it's been 15 years already. I don 't understand why you want to talk to her about this and explain it either. If you want to cut ties, just do it.

  4. #34
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Because it's weird considering that it's been 15 years already. I don 't understand why you want to talk to her about this and explain it either. If you want to cut ties, just do it.
    The friendship has been 15 years. This crazy wide started about a year and half ago.

    As for why? It's all about doing the right thing, trying to respect one of the most important friendships of my life, and other stuff that I've gone on long enough about.

  5. #35
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Did you ever tell her in the last year and half that you wanted more than friendship with her?

  6. #36
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    I actually told her several months before she started dating her boyfriend. So she knew all along. That's why I feel that her behavior didn't seem very consistent with someone who valued and desired to maintain a friendship.

  7. #37
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    I actually told her several months before she started dating her boyfriend. So she knew all along. That's why I feel that her behavior didn't seem very consistent with someone who valued and desired to maintain a friendship.

    Bingo. You told her, she knew, she chose to pursue another, and you have the right to decide how/if you wish to be involved with her. If she followed her heart then she can't be slighted for that, but just the same you can't be slighted for preserving yourself as you deem necessary.

    If it were me I'd just be honest about whatever it is that ails you about your recent relations with her, tell her that you wish to keep what good there is left between you, and what you need in order for that to happen. Then you've been honest, direct, and open; she knows how you feel, and can choose to meet your needs as a friend or not. If she is your friend she will respect your needs.

  8. #38
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    How would you do it? --Correction, how do you do it? (Serious question.)
    Tell them openly what the problem is and that if they can't do something about it then you don't want to hang out with them anymore.

    You might be surprised how often people will accommodate you when you bluntly tell them what the problem is. I think this is a classic T/F misunderstanding: Don't assume that because a certain action would have a particular emotional implication when you do it, it must also intentionally mean the same thing when someone else does. Ts often just aren't considering the emotional implications of their words and actions in any way, and some of us (TPs anyway) are usually open to trying to change that if someone we care about is willing to be honest about it and ask nicely.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

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