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  1. #21
    Member Split_Infinitive's Avatar
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    What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

    Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!

  2. #22
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Split_Infinitive View Post
    What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.
    I've seen her not notice a friend pushing her away before, possibly on more than one occasion. She usually tries to reconnect with friends because of a need of hers, and never realizes why the friend doesn't return the calls or had quit contacting her. I usually have to bite my tongue when she starts getting upset over it...

    She certainly has the paranoia thing going on, but seems to focus it on certain individuals that intrigue her, or certain people whose acceptance she hasn't won. I don't think she realizes that friendships, once created, have to be maintained.

  3. #23
    Senior Member something boring's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Split_Infinitive View Post
    What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

    Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!
    I do this, too. However, I'm more likely to make attempts to resolve whatever it might be if the person has been my friend for a while.
    On the other hand, with that much time elapsed already....
    Know what? Maybe ignore me here altogether. I'm biased when it comes to ending friendships, and it's showing.
    "Don�t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman


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  4. #24
    Senior Member paisley1's Avatar
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    So, Paisley1's suggestion box:

    "It's not you it's me"

    "I'm just really busy right now"

    "I'm not picking up your option"

    "I'm looking in a different direction"

    "You're part of a relational outplacement program"

    "You look fat in those pants"

    "You are the reason I hate other women"....I can't trust, I feel smothered, I'm worse when you're around, etc, etc, etc, etc, don't have enough etc's memorized.....

    So basically, brutal truth!
    "Truth stands true, independent of whether you agree with it or not."

    "Don't let what matters least, matter most."

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  5. #25
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paisley1 View Post
    "I'm not picking up your option"

    "You are the reason I hate other women"....I can't trust, I feel smothered, I'm worse when you're around, etc, etc, etc, etc, don't have enough etc's memorized.....

  6. #26
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Quickly, yes, things got complicated, but no, it didn't go anywhere. She dropped out of my life suddenly and unexpectedly, only calling to ask for favors. 3 months later, she reveals she has a boyfriend. That's not so bad (did hurt though), but she did several little things to make the blow worse, such as call out of the blue on Christmas day to tell me, etc).

    It was bad enough that I had to reevaluate the friendship and try and rebuild it, and I didn't like what I was seeing.

    Now, I'm just... empty... when I hang out with her. The conversation is inevitably her being upset about her BF or family, but instead of feeling my natural empathy I just feel empty and pitiless. (This guy had been around for a while, and was clearly nothing but trouble.) It's a feeling I do not like.
    She might not know how you feel or that you would feel empty when she talks about her boyfriend. It's important to realize that her behavior is not necessarily intentional. She sounds quite wrapped up in her life and problems. Your description sounds like she takes the friendship for granted at this point, but also relies on it as something she can count on.

    It is helpful to know where a person stands, but I'm somewhat inclined to say you should distance yourself since that is the tactic she uses. Often when relating to people, the simplest approach is to use the behaviors and language that are familiar to them. The emotional turmoil with BF is what makes me wonder if it is a good idea to drop the hatchet. I would probably try to get the person set up with another resource (possibly a counselor) for support if they were draining me dry, but i cared about them. I don't think I would make a hard or dramatic rejection about it. These are just suggestions and inclinations, since each situation and person is so fundamentally unique.

    Quote Originally Posted by Split_Infinitive View Post
    What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.
    I'm wondering if it is because she is overwhelmed with her problems with BF and his family. She sounds to me like she needs a counselor to talk to - someone who is not personally invested in her life but is reliable and available. In some ways, there is an element of that to how she seems to be approaching Udog. She is placing him in that kind of role, which is not quite right for a friendship, but suggests it is something she needs.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  7. #27
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Split_Infinitive View Post
    What surprises me about your story is that this INFJ girl hasn't actually got the message already! I usually know straight away when people don't want to talk to me (actually, I probably go to the other extreme - I quite often think that when it's not even true. So obsessed with not wanting to bother people that I misread the smallest "generally having a bad day" signs as "go away and stay away" signs). So I'm finding it really unusual that an INFJ would not have read your reluctance to associate with her, no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

    Good luck, I hope it goes well for you!
    It's also possible she HAS noticed it, and does feel that something is off, but doesn't really know how to proceed at this point or is pretending everything is ok. Which would add more weirdness to the situation and might throw her off too.

    Or...she might not know at all. I do agree w/ toonia that it sounds like she's got a lot of stuff that she's dealing with and is probably in a more self-absorbed place right now.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  8. #28
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I think it might be helpful to her if you told her the truth -- if you feel like being helpful one last time -- that you feel she only calls when she wants something, and that she doesn't fulfill the the obligations of friendship, only expects them from you. That your feelings were hurt when she took 2 weeks to return your phone call. That you're tired of talking about her upsets with bf and family. She might be very hurt/embarrassed, and you might have a couple rounds of arguing about it, but in the end, you could possibly save the friendship.

    If she could make amends, would you be able to reconsider?

    If not, yeah, just stop answering the phone.

  9. #29
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Do you just not want the drama of dealing with a woman who is involved with another man?

  10. #30
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    The same way everyone goes about ending a friendship: You stop talking to them in small non-awkward increments over the period of a few weeks.
    Introverts...sigh.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

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