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  1. #11
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Okay, timeline reveal:

    I've known her for 15 years, or half my life. This whole thing with her BF happened Christmas 2007. The last time I called her was Oct 2008, to wish her a Bday. She didn't answer and didn't call me back until 2 weeks later. I never returned her call and was happy to have ended it there.

    She has called twice since March, despite me not returning her call. This is what has prompted the thread. I suspect she needs a favor, and worry I may lose my cool if I find out that's the only reason she is crawling out of the woodwork to reach me.

    It's the length and depth of the friendship that is making this an issue for me. If it had been anyone else in my life, I'd already be over it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity View Post
    If you just want to distance yourself, limit the time you interact with her, if you want nothing to do with her tell her straight out.
    The differentiation is a good point... thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by sade View Post
    That or just stop hanging out with her. I've had people break off friendships with me by just stoping to include me and so on, but none have yet told it to me straight.
    Would you have preferred if they told you flat out they don't want to be friends anymore? Do you think this was easier than if they called you up and said something that hurt you?

    This is why I made the thread, because I want to know what consequences my different courses of actions will have.

    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    The same way everyone goes about ending a friendship: You stop talking to them in small non-awkward increments over the period of a few weeks.
    Hehehe. I actually read that as 'small awkward increments' and had a good laugh.

    Your advice is very good, though, so thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    You already know the answer to this. So do it. End it and be honest. Don't wait. Don't reassess. Don't feel guilty and for god sake...don't answer the phone.
    Actually ceecee, I wish I did. I think whatever I know deep down is being blocked with a smoke screen of self-doubt and over-analyzing. Damn that Fi primary, sometimes. At least I can acknowledge it's an issue and try to seek more objective viewpoints. Feel free to give the answer a push to the surface... I can take it.

  2. #12
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    Blame it on yourself.
    No, I prefer blaming it on the rain.

  3. #13
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    The fact that you've known her for 15 years makes this very complicated.

    If she doesn't make any effort to call you, then don't make an effort to call her. If all she does after this is ask for another favor, I'd confront her on it. Just don't be too hard about it.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  4. #14
    Senior Member something boring's Avatar
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    I, personally, prefer to be told things straight out. I 'get' distance when someone is leaving, but there's something that never seems solid enough about it. Like if I try hard enough, you'll come back. I would be especially likely to try if the friendship was a very long one. It also seems to me that a more personal goodbye would be more fitting for a friendship that long.
    "Don�t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman


    [SIGPIC]http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l110/evillinclinations/fortune45.gif[/SIGPIC]

    ...and yes, I'm still on about that...






  5. #15

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    Quietly and casually, like driftwood. Unless she gets wise, in which case get direct and get to paddlin'.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  6. #16
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Just tell her, gently, since you two were/are close friends. Explain to her why you can no longer continue in the friendship. She'll most likely respect that more than you just dropping off the face of the earth.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Sizzling Berry's Avatar
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    Hi Udog,

    15 years - that was some twist in the story and it was some time.

    If she calls again you can always tell her that you are very busy right now with something in your life like a project at work or some private stuff and you will be busy with it for awhile, so you won't be able to help her or meet her. That way she will know that she's no longer among your priorities.

    If she starts to be nice and ask questions about it you can say it's a private matter (maybe it needs better wording). That way you will give her a signal that she is no longer in the circle of your closest friends with whom you share your problems and private stuff.

    Be brief and concentrated on your life - if all she needs is favors she won't have any reason to presist. Besides, where there's a will there's a way. If she sees there is no way she will understand there is no will and you don't feel like exerting yourself on her behalf.

    Anyways, good luck

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Would you have preferred if they told you flat out they don't want to be friends anymore? Do you think this was easier than if they called you up and said something that hurt you?

    This is why I made the thread, because I want to know what consequences my different courses of actions will have.
    Well then.. But this is only my personal opinion.
    The standard way that ajblaise posted is very much okay for me in pretty much all friendships, especially if they've been fading away. It isn't a surprise and there's a certain sense of growing apart, or just letting it go. I'd say it's my preferred way for a friendship dying out, but I happen to be pretty vary of people. I expect the worst all the time.

    In some cases I'd prefer not to be informed of friendship ending, as I'm very averse to female-female drama especially when there's a strong emotional loading.. (Unless it's to clear air and the friendship is going to continue; but honestly I've only done it once.)
    A gentle straight up comment would be best. Something casual about what is going on and how it doesn't fit with what you think of a friendship.. Perhaps?

  9. #19
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    well in this case bc it has faded out but she keeps trying to dig it up when she needs something, i would either avoid it or confront her with your perspective/needs/etc. i would do whatever is the least damaging to you, whatever you feel is the best choice for YOU. she does not seem to pay too much attention to your feelings and i'll give her some slack bc i've been there in that position too, but if it's unbalanced then she either needs to shape up and work on her part to make it tenable, or you just gotta do whatever you can do to move on in the most health-promoting way for you. she can't just siphon away your good health when she is having a losing season.

    with that said, i was in a situation where i was kinda doing what she was doing. i got a response with some serious teeth to it, realized i took it for granted, admitted a couple things to myself, and now as a result i've made up for past mistakes and attempted to re-balance the scales of the relationship. bc it was worth it to me (i cared enough) to do so.

  10. #20
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by something boring View Post
    It also seems to me that a more personal goodbye would be more fitting for a friendship that long.
    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    Quietly and casually, like driftwood. Unless she gets wise, in which case get direct and get to paddlin'.
    Quote Originally Posted by sade View Post
    It isn't a surprise and there's a certain sense of growing apart, or just letting it go. I'd say it's my preferred way for a friendship dying out, but I happen to be pretty vary of people. I expect the worst all the time.
    [...]
    A gentle straight up comment would be best.
    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    well in this case bc it has faded out but she keeps trying to dig it up when she needs something, i would either avoid it or confront her with your perspective/needs/etc. i would do whatever is the least damaging to you, whatever you feel is the best choice for YOU.
    Okay, thanks everyone. I'm going to call her back tomorrow, try to keep it short and impersonal, and hang up as quickly as possible. That would be the driftwood type of thing, compared to the disappear into nowhere thing.

    If she asks for any favors, or tries to take it too deep, I'll tell her I don't think I can be that close of a friend to her anymore.

    with that said, i was in a situation where i was kinda doing what she was doing. i got a response with some serious teeth to it, realized i took it for granted, admitted a couple things to myself, and now as a result i've made up for past mistakes and attempted to re-balance the scales of the relationship. bc it was worth it to me (i cared enough) to do so.
    Unfortunately, I think we are beyond that. Hopefully she doesn't try to make amends, as I've pretty much closed that part of me off to her.

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