[ENFJ] Fellow ENFJ's: Do You Ever Feel Like People Just Use You?

[ceecee]

Yea, but is it possible for an ENFJ to think someone is coming to them for help when all they're really doing is venting or talking?

 

[Synarch]

An interesting point, a common pothole NFJs fall into. I've learned to rein in that knee-jerk response. Having an ENFP around has helped to temper that.

The language must be "Help me", "I need your input", "I can't think straight, what should I do?", "Does this sound wrong/right?" et al.

If it relationship trouble, I reserve any advice. I just listen and try to reinforce the person I love as opposed to "you had to know X was a creep/harpy"...

I think ENFJ's are fine most of the time. They just need to be careful with more impressionable types as they can be so forceful. This is the way ENFJ show their love, though, so it's understandable. I tend to operate more from the point of view of questioning assumptions and kicking people in the ass so they do their own thinking and acting.

That pot needed some stirring. Things were sticking to the sides. It was pretty gross.

I'm a horrible cook, though.

 

[proteanmix]

Yea, but is it possible for an ENFJ to think someone is coming to them for help when all they're really doing is venting or talking?

Thanks for saying you're glad to see my back. I'm just stirring the pot a bit.

I'm totally happy you're stirring the pot because this is something I think when I see these types of threads. And I hate to say it, but sometimes people like to get others dependent on them as an egotrip. This is the dark side of being an ENFJ. I implore ENFJs to ask themselves that question. How much of your help is wanted and necessary? How much can you really do that will effect change?

I have watched Fe-dominants get themselves embroiled in situations (and got myself caught up in a couple) because of stepping in to handle a situation when we should have stayed on the sidelines or "helped" in a less intrusive way.

 

[Domino]

I think ENFJ's are fine most of the time. They just need to be careful with more impressionable types as they can be so forceful. This is the way ENFJ show their love, though, so it's understandable. I tend to operate more from the point of view of questioning assumptions and kicking people in the ass so they do their own thinking and acting.

Part of being a {healthy} ENFJ is trusting our instincts about people and taking appropriate action. I've had people limping to my side since I was a teenager. If it's just disappearing into warm safety to collect yourself, I don't mind offering abeyance. Do I stifle the urge to destroy whatever is causing the hurt? Yes. Doesn't mean I act on it.

People come to me specifically FOR that. Otherwise, they could choose someone else.

For example, when my ENTJ bff Athena is really upset. She gets understanding from me, reinforcement of her perceptions, but with my ENFP sister, she gets that certain something I don't have. My sister is very comforting to her. Sometimes when the phone rings and Athena is in bad shape, I go find Jaye.

I'm a horrible cook, though.

You so are. What is that... chick peas and cold broccoli?

 

[Synarch]

Part of being a {healthy} ENFJ is trusting our instincts about people and taking appropriate action. I've had people limping to my side since I was a teenager. If it's just disappearing into warm safety to collect yourself, I don't mind offering abeyance. Do I stifle the urge to destroy whatever is causing the hurt? Yes. Doesn't mean I act on it.

See, though. There is something that smacks of presumption in the bolded part. As if your help is what is needed or best, even presuming people limp over to your side for help with their wounds.

 

[Domino]

See, though. There is something that smacks of presumption in the bolded part.

Are you trying to steer this somewhere?

Also, tossing the word "presumption" at me is kinda low. Implying that I think a lot/too much of myself. I don't get calls to fix roofs, to give practical advice, or to solve a lawn and garden mystery. I get calls for personal understanding and safety.

As if your help is what is needed or best, even presuming people limp over to your side for help with their wounds.

People DO come to me for help. I can't say why or what their motives are, but they do. You're assuming that I'm wrong. Luckily, I don't have questions about that part of my life. When someone says, "Pink, I need you", "Pink, help me", that's the green light.

 

[Synarch]

Are you trying to steer this somewhere?

Also, tossing the word "presumption" at me is kinda low. Implying that I think a lot/too much of myself. I don't get calls to fix roofs, to give practical advice, or to solve a lawn and garden mystery. I get calls for personal understanding and safety.

Presumption is not a loaded word to me. No insult intended. It is easy to presume to know something. I do it all the time. Probably now.

 

[Domino]

Presumption is not a loaded word to me. No insult intended. It is easy to presume to know something. I do it all the time. Probably now.

Presumption would be me giving parenting advice or correcting logic. I leak like a sieve. That would be an intrusion.

My certainty on solid ground is not open to question. Whatever instinct propels me safely up the rock face on my little goat hooves - it is what it is.

 

[Synarch]

Presumption would be me giving parenting advice or correcting logic. I leak like a sieve. That would be an intrusion.

My certainty on solid ground is not open to question. Whatever instinct propels me safely up the rock face on my little goat hooves - it is what it is.

To me, certainty demands question. When you find answers you stop digging.

 

[Domino]

To me, certainty demands question. When you find answers you stop digging.

You can't ever fully understand instinct. Ne is pretty delusional on that score - that everything can be understood. It can't. There are grey areas that will defy you. And my instincts may defy your reason as well.

Oh to hijack the brain of an ENTP and use it for my devices.

 

[Synarch]

You can't ever fully understand instinct. Ne is pretty delusional on that score - that everything can be understood. It can't. There are grey areas that will defy you. And my instincts may defy your reason as well.

Oh to hijack the brain of an ENTP and use it for my devices.

What is instinct?

 

[Domino]

What is instinct?

*laughs*

You're a very bad man.

 

[Synarch]

*laughs*

You're a very bad man.

Define bad.

 

[Domino]

Define bad.

*low whisper* Out, out, foul demons of Ne roadblock...

 

[Synarch]

*low whisper* Out, out, foul demons of Ne roadblock...

You're welcome to avoid my direct questions. Just admit to doing so.

 

[Domino]

You're welcome to avoid my direct questions. Just admit to doing so.

I admit nothing. Especially not about the Lindberg baby.

 

[The Third Rider]

To answer this thread. I will like to say that I have been used quite a few times, that is why i stopped giving a fuck about a lot of people.

 

[Lookin4theBestNU]

You know there's the pushover aspect to this that I think is rubbing me the wrong way. I've never been a pushover or one to get trampled.

Great post. I was all with you until....

I'm more likely to do the trampling than vice versa.

I don't think this is the case for me and it could never be intentional. My style is one where I try to lay a strong foundation to the relationship regardless of who it is or the relationship type. I'd like to believe I am honest and straight forward in my desires. In some ways that limits my communication/depth with people. I tend to feel comfortable when things turn out like I had envisioned. People will not use me but I will give alot to another person if I care for them. There are of course 'degrees' of giving I suppose depending on the depth of trust and feeling. Trust comes from respect at least in my outlook. If I don't respect you chances are highly unlikely you'd even be given a chance to use me as I would avoid you most of the time. It would take time to lose that respect but you would eventually lose it along with the feelings I may have developed if you are selfish enough to try to use me.

Yea, but is it possible for an ENFJ to think someone is coming to them for help when all they're really doing is venting or talking?

Yes it's possible and I learned this lesson the hard way. I worked with a young woman when I was about 20. She would complain to me how her boyfriend would scream at her. He would push her around and talk down to her saying she was worthless etc. I would get so f'ing angry when she would tell me about it. I came up with solution upon solution and she never thought any of them were right. One day it finally dawned on me. She doesn't actually want to leave him despite what she says. She just seems to want all this attention. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I would say I began having an even heavier dependence upon Ni...you just can't listen to the words they are saying. It's really only a small part of what people are saying if you can teach yourself to listen. The ENFJ (me for sure) tends to like to do too much talking! Learning to really listen was/is an integral part of my development as a person.

that is why i stopped giving a fuck about a lot of people.

Excellent point. I wish I'd stopped giving a damn alot sooner about alot of things . It was hard at first to arrive at this point. I had built up inside my mind reasons I was supposed to care. In that regard many of my issues were (and still can be) self-imposed.

 

[proteanmix]

Great post. I was all with you until....


I don't think this is the case for me and it could never be intentional. My stylef who it is or the relationship type. I'd like to believe I am honest and straight forward in my desires.

Yes, I think of myself like this as well. What I meant by what I said is that I'm not a "used and abused" person generally because I feel like I have some sort of natural floodgates preventing that from happening me. There's only so far I'll venture into a person without checking to see if I have a parachute or life vest or an escape route if necessary. I usually have some self-protective devices to shield myself when I'm entering into that zone.

And another reason why I said what I did is because I know I like a little more grrrrr in people and I have a tendency to keep pushing people until I get it, which is why I'm not as likely to get used because of that overriding instinct. I really like getting pushback from people, knowing or seeing that they can hold their own. I seem not to have that mothering instinct other Fe-doms have.

In some ways that limits my communication/depth is one where I try to lay a strong foundation to the relationship regardless owith people. I tend to feel comfortable when things turn out like I had envisioned. People will not use me but I will give alot to another person if I care for them. There are of course 'degrees' of giving I suppose depending on the depth of trust and feeling. Trust comes from respect at least in my outlook. If I don't respect you chances are highly unlikely you'd even be given a chance to use me as I would avoid you most of the time. It would take time to lose that respect but you would eventually lose it along with the feelings I may have developed if you are selfish enough to try to use me.

Yes.

 

[Domino]

To answer this thread. I will like to say that I have been used quite a few times, that is why i stopped giving a fuck about a lot of people.

Agreed. Not worth it.