[ENFJ] Fellow ENFJ's: Do You Ever Feel Like People Just Use You?

[SpottingTrains]

I think in order for us to parse new emotions and actually handle them in a positive manner we need to deal with the ones from the past first I find. If we don't allow ourselves to take the time to deal with we just end of getting more and more resentful to everyone we interact with.

 

[tibby]

You ENFJs just can't do it all.
You're the ones most people take for granted.

It's okay sometimes to be the one who has it hard, who has to rely on someone. My mom is always the one who is the shoulder to everybody, and has been that all her life.
She's who I respect in this world (there aren't that many at that level, quite frankly). The things she's put up with, all that has been loaded on her shoulders, and has persevered, her outlook on life has been an inspiration for me.
I know many people feel their "mom" is their inspiration but I don't see it like that. It's honestly about her.
But as she is this stoic rock to everybody, and I believe ENFJs usually are the "contact person" in whatever network they are in, she's never had anyone's shoulder. And she actually said that she doesn't know if there's anyone strong enough to carry her through as she has done to others.

I can't really make it any easier on you guys, but some people do know about the baggage. I know a few ENFJs and they all seem to have that.

It's wrong to take, take, take and give nothing in return, to use others.

ENFJ needs a loving and caring partner.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Interesting.

The less evolved ENFJs I know are actually the ones I would say use people ceaselessly towards their own ends.

 

[ceecee]

It's wrong to take, take, take and give nothing in return, to use others.

ENFJ needs a loving and caring partner.

Yes. But never to go INTJ on them and want to protect them from every perceived threat, making contingency plans for that threat and blah, blah, blah. That's what I did with my ENTJ for awhile. I couldn't bear the idea of someone taking advantage of his kindness. Fortunately he knew I was doing it. He asked me if I had ever actually seen anyone taking advantage if him. I hadn't but I was planning ahead, just in case. He laughed and told me that all he wanted me to do was what I was already doing. Making him feel loved and cared for. Giving him an open environment to express his needs and have them met.

While I was happy he felt satisfied in these areas, I still felt I needed to be a protector to him. What I realized over time was that he didn't need me to protect him from the kindness suckers. He needed me to sort of refuel his kindness tank by showing my love for him. The ENFJ's want and have to have so much concern for others in their lives and I was trying to change that. They don't need to be changed. The problem arises when people take from them and no one has real concern for them in return. That's all my ENTJ needs. Instead of being his emotional policeman, I just kept being the loving partner he wants the best ways I can be.

 

[Desperado44]

Yes. But never to go INTJ on them and want to protect them from every perceived threat, making contingency plans for that threat and blah, blah, blah. That's what I did with my ENTJ for awhile. I couldn't bear the idea of someone taking advantage of his kindness. Fortunately he knew I was doing it. He asked me if I had ever actually seen anyone taking advantage if him. I hadn't but I was planning ahead, just in case. He laughed and told me that all he wanted me to do was what I was already doing. Making him feel loved and cared for. Giving him an open environment to express his needs and have them met.

While I was happy he felt satisfied in these areas, I still felt I needed to be a protector to him. What I realized over time was that he didn't need me to protect him from the kindness suckers. He needed me to sort of refuel his kindness tank by showing my love for him. The ENFJ's want and have to have so much concern for others in their lives and I was trying to change that. They don't need to be changed. The problem arises when people take from them and no one has real concern for them in return. That's all my ENTJ needs. Instead of being his emotional policeman, I just kept being the loving partner he wants the best ways I can be.

Wow...ceecee...that was a great read. If I had to describe what I would like to have in my life in terms of a relationship....you just summed it up.

People really take advantage of our personalities. Its left me feeling 'down' lately....not sure why....I think I'm just tired.

As for romantic relationships....I could sum mine up with a few words: never feel appreciated. I feel like I'm being bled dry.....

 

[proteanmix]

I don't know, people take as much advantage of you as you allow them to.

This is something I really don't identify with when Fe is discussed. I have a pretty good sense of when I'm overextending myself with no reciprocity. I don't feel like I am used and abused.

But I do understand the feeling that you're not going to get back as good as you give. I know I tend to have this feeling with other FJs. I have two really good IxFJ friends that are so superb with being supportive, available, ride or die friends that I wonder if I'm outputting to the level they are. It's a high standard to live up to, especially when the people are good, solid people.

 

[ceecee]

Wow...ceecee...that was a great read. If I had to describe what I would like to have in my life in terms of a relationship....you just summed it up.

People really take advantage of our personalities. Its left me feeling 'down' lately....not sure why....I think I'm just tired.

As for romantic relationships....I could sum mine up with a few words: never feel appreciated. I feel like I'm being bled dry.....

Thank you. I think people underestimate things like regular use of please and thank you. Asking how your day went. Telling them you appreciate the small things they do. As you point out, these things are so very important. I'm missing the man as he has been in NJ all week teaching at his home office. But I have a nice weekend planned.

 

[cascadeco]

I don't know, people take as much advantage of you as you allow them to.

I think this is true.

I think it's possible to reach a balance, Desperado and all of you ENFJ's!! Part of it may be learning to stand your ground and when you feel any anxiety/overextension rising within you, then just allow yourself to take a step back and give yourself some 'Me' time. It's ok, really.

I think another critical thing is to recognize and acknowledge that your gifts are unique, and that while perhaps unfortunate, it's simply a reality that most other people out there aren't going to be able to fulfill you in the same way you're able to fulfill them. It's just not in their makeup or personality. So I think it's equally important not to 'expect' that others will/can be there for you in the same way - not that you are expecting it, but I do think that's something at the root of the anger.

I've sometimes felt 'used' in the past, but the reality was that I chose to do what I did. In some cases I was barking up the wrong tree - attending to others who were quite selfish and who had no desire to reciprocate. But you know...I did 'allow' that, in a sense. Just something you learn. I rarely have issues now with that and don't feel used anymore, because I now realize it's all in my control as to what I do and what I don't do.

 

[ceecee]

I don't know, people take as much advantage of you as you allow them to.

Yep. That's what I had to learn about mine too. He never allows himself to be taken advantage of. That's why it never happens. I never even stopped to consider that possibility.

 

[proteanmix]

I think this is true.

I think it's possible to reach a balance, Desperado and all of you ENFJ's!! Part of it may be learning to stand your ground and when you feel any anxiety/overextension rising within you, then just allow yourself to take a step back and give yourself some 'Me' time. It's ok, really. ...

You know there's the pushover aspect to this that I think is rubbing me the wrong way. I've never been a pushover or one to get trampled. I'm more likely to do the trampling than vice versa. So maybe this is why I don't identify.

 

[cascadeco]

You know there's the pushover aspect to this that I think is rubbing me the wrong way. I've never been a pushover or one to get trampled. I'm more likely to do the trampling than vice versa. So maybe this is why I don't identify.

Yeah, I think years ago I could be more of a pushover - or at least felt more powerless or like I was being used - but it's not something I identify with any longer.

Edit: I've just recalled something. Several yrs ago I was in a relationship with an ENFJ in his upper 30's, and he was only then getting to the point where it was dawning on him that it was 'Ok' to make time for himself, and not feel obligated to help and attend to everyone's emotional and physical/tangible needs he came into contact with. Just to let people go and not get sucked into everything..and being ok with not being the mentor/helper for anybody and everybody. He had a harder time just 'letting go'. It's probably more of an individualized thing with FJ's in terms of when they reach that point, and it would be more problematic for the extroverts.

 

[proteanmix]

Yeah, I think years ago I could be more of a pushover - or at least felt more powerless or like I was being used - but it's not something I identify with any longer.

Edit: I've just recalled something. Several yrs ago I was in a relationship with an ENFJ in his upper 30's, and he was only then getting to the point where it was dawning on him that it was 'Ok' to make time for himself, and not feel obligated to help and attend to everyone's emotional needs he came into contact with. Just to let people go and not get sucked into everything..and being ok with not being the mentor/helper for anybody and everybody. It's probably more of an individualized thing with FJ's in terms of when they reach that point.

I think this is probably where I'm at right now. I've definitely noticed this since I started working. Maybe in college I'd take every wounded bird that crossed my path but now, .

My preference for now is to do short term, low obligation "taking care" of people. You need a ride once, OK. You need money under $20 once, OK. Other little things I have no problem with but when it becomes a pattern I have to put my foot down. Some people are not yet ready to reciprocate but may be in the future. This is something you'll have decide if you want to continue to engage with them. I'm not saying write all people who need heavy emotional investments off.

Also, I'm wondering how much discerning of character ENFJs are applying towards people. I'm beginning to notice some people are sympathetic without wisdom, just handing out sympathy wily nily to anyone who has a sob story. At the higher levels of being emotionally supportive to people you've got to stop and examine whoyou are giving your emotional energy to. This is beginning to play a larger role in my life, figuring who is this person before I open my arms and heart. I think that right now I'm being more cautious and vigilant for emotional leeches and parasites and it's working well for me.

 

[Cronkle]

This is such a good point, cascademn. I really need to re-evaluate who is worth emotional energy and who isn't. I wonder who may be so giving to do this? I've read that "someone who speaks the same psychological language" as me would be someone I would like. Who do you think would be the best for this? Another ENFJ?

P.S.



Reciprocity fr all.

 

[Udog]

I would come over to some of these people's houses in the middle of the night, for almost anything, and some of them won't even call me back!

This seems to be a snapshot of my life. Do you find yourself wondering why that is?? I can't figure it out.....but I feel like I'm getting angry about it....

In general, the people that are the most willing to take advantage of someone's kindness are the least likely to reciprocate it.

While I was happy he felt satisfied in these areas, I still felt I needed to be a protector to him. What I realized over time was that he didn't need me to protect him from the kindness suckers. He needed me to sort of refuel his kindness tank by showing my love for him. The ENFJ's want and have to have so much concern for others in their lives and I was trying to change that. They don't need to be changed. The problem arises when people take from them and no one has real concern for them in return. That's all my ENTJ needs. Instead of being his emotional policeman, I just kept being the loving partner he wants the best ways I can be.

That was awesome... So very basic and simple, yet consider my mind blown. Thanks!

 

[Cronkle]

I think NFs all would agree with Morrissey: "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does."

 

[Domino]

Desperado, I do in fact sometimes feel as if I'm being pumped like a well handle. Like when things are collapsing, I'm going to get the call. On the one hand, I'm very pleased to help, esp if it's a good friend or someone I care for very much -- I want them to know that they can depend on me and can rely on me to be there as the very limits of strength allow -- but on the other hand, I sometimes wish they had the self-control to not take advantage of that open door policy. I've had to [try to] establish boundaries, which is hard to do when it's a VIP.

I've literally broken my health putting out fires. Difficult for me to rein myself in, the urge to dip souls out of the Styx is so strong.

What I hate is the guilt trips I get when I can't or don't make myself available for once.

A female ISTP friend of mine was giving me a bit of a lecture -- "You have GOT to take care of yourself... I mean it... if the world was gonna spin off it's axis without you, then it was gonna happen anyway..."

 

[Synarch]

I am not speaking of anyone here, but ENFJ are often busybodies. They can think they are "helping" rather than actually helping. It probably makes it easier to be pushy with people if you're convinced you're doing them a favor.

 

[Domino]

I am not speaking of anyone here, but ENFJ are often busybodies. They can think they are "helping" rather than actually helping. It probably makes it easier to be pushy with people if you're convinced you're doing them a favor.

Babe, we're talking about people coming to us. Not us going to them. At least that's what I'M talking about.

Good to see you back, Syn. I was about to send the dogs out after you.

On the subject: back in school, I knew a dodgey little ISFP boy who got bullied a lot. ESFJ friend and I took one silent look at each other and stepped in. Yes, without being asked. Caretaker nature. I can see how some people might not like that sort of intrusion.

 

[Synarch]

Babe, we're talking about people coming to us. Not us going to them. At least that's what I'M talking about.

Good to see you back, Syn. I was about to send the dogs out after you.

Yea, but is it possible for an ENFJ to think someone is coming to them for help when all they're really doing is venting or talking?

Thanks for saying you're glad to see my back. I'm just stirring the pot a bit.

 

[Domino]

Yea, but is it possible for an ENFJ to think someone is coming to them for help when all they're really doing is venting or talking?

An interesting point, a common pothole NFJs fall into. I've learned to rein in that knee-jerk response. Having an ENFP around has helped to temper that.

The language must be "Help me", "I need your input", "I can't think straight, what should I do?", "Does this sound wrong/right?" et al. Helping someone can simply be listening without comment or putting your arms around them if they're falling apart.

If it relationship trouble, I reserve any advice. I just listen and try to reinforce the person I love as opposed to "you had to know X was a creep/harpy"...

Thanks for saying you're glad to see my back. I'm just stirring the pot a bit.

That pot needed some stirring. Things were sticking to the sides. It was pretty gross.