User Tag List

First 23456 Last

Results 31 to 40 of 77

  1. #31
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,931

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    You know there's the pushover aspect to this that I think is rubbing me the wrong way. I've never been a pushover or one to get trampled. I'm more likely to do the trampling than vice versa. So maybe this is why I don't identify.
    Yeah, I think years ago I could be more of a pushover - or at least felt more powerless or like I was being used - but it's not something I identify with any longer.

    Edit: I've just recalled something. Several yrs ago I was in a relationship with an ENFJ in his upper 30's, and he was only then getting to the point where it was dawning on him that it was 'Ok' to make time for himself, and not feel obligated to help and attend to everyone's emotional and physical/tangible needs he came into contact with. Just to let people go and not get sucked into everything..and being ok with not being the mentor/helper for anybody and everybody. He had a harder time just 'letting go'. It's probably more of an individualized thing with FJ's in terms of when they reach that point, and it would be more problematic for the extroverts.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  2. #32
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Enneagram
    1w2
    Posts
    5,514

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    Yeah, I think years ago I could be more of a pushover - or at least felt more powerless or like I was being used - but it's not something I identify with any longer.

    Edit: I've just recalled something. Several yrs ago I was in a relationship with an ENFJ in his upper 30's, and he was only then getting to the point where it was dawning on him that it was 'Ok' to make time for himself, and not feel obligated to help and attend to everyone's emotional needs he came into contact with. Just to let people go and not get sucked into everything..and being ok with not being the mentor/helper for anybody and everybody. It's probably more of an individualized thing with FJ's in terms of when they reach that point.
    I think this is probably where I'm at right now. I've definitely noticed this since I started working. Maybe in college I'd take every wounded bird that crossed my path but now, .

    My preference for now is to do short term, low obligation "taking care" of people. You need a ride once, OK. You need money under $20 once, OK. Other little things I have no problem with but when it becomes a pattern I have to put my foot down. Some people are not yet ready to reciprocate but may be in the future. This is something you'll have decide if you want to continue to engage with them. I'm not saying write all people who need heavy emotional investments off.

    Also, I'm wondering how much discerning of character ENFJs are applying towards people. I'm beginning to notice some people are sympathetic without wisdom, just handing out sympathy wily nily to anyone who has a sob story. At the higher levels of being emotionally supportive to people you've got to stop and examine whoyou are giving your emotional energy to. This is beginning to play a larger role in my life, figuring who is this person before I open my arms and heart. I think that right now I'm being more cautious and vigilant for emotional leeches and parasites and it's working well for me.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  3. #33
    Senior Member Cronkle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    161

    Default

    This is such a good point, cascademn. I really need to re-evaluate who is worth emotional energy and who isn't. I wonder who may be so giving to do this? I've read that "someone who speaks the same psychological language" as me would be someone I would like. Who do you think would be the best for this? Another ENFJ?

    P.S.



    Reciprocity fr all.

  4. #34
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    INfp
    Enneagram
    9w1 sp/sx
    Socionics
    INFp None
    Posts
    5,295

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Cronkle View Post
    I would come over to some of these people's houses in the middle of the night, for almost anything, and some of them won't even call me back!
    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado44 View Post
    This seems to be a snapshot of my life. Do you find yourself wondering why that is?? I can't figure it out.....but I feel like I'm getting angry about it....
    In general, the people that are the most willing to take advantage of someone's kindness are the least likely to reciprocate it.

    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    While I was happy he felt satisfied in these areas, I still felt I needed to be a protector to him. What I realized over time was that he didn't need me to protect him from the kindness suckers. He needed me to sort of refuel his kindness tank by showing my love for him. The ENFJ's want and have to have so much concern for others in their lives and I was trying to change that. They don't need to be changed. The problem arises when people take from them and no one has real concern for them in return. That's all my ENTJ needs. Instead of being his emotional policeman, I just kept being the loving partner he wants the best ways I can be.
    That was awesome... So very basic and simple, yet consider my mind blown. Thanks!

  5. #35
    Senior Member Cronkle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    161

    Default

    I think NFs all would agree with Morrissey: "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does."

  6. #36
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    MBTI
    eNFJ
    Enneagram
    4w3 sx/so
    Socionics
    eNFJ Ni
    Posts
    11,443

    Default

    Desperado, I do in fact sometimes feel as if I'm being pumped like a well handle. Like when things are collapsing, I'm going to get the call. On the one hand, I'm very pleased to help, esp if it's a good friend or someone I care for very much -- I want them to know that they can depend on me and can rely on me to be there as the very limits of strength allow -- but on the other hand, I sometimes wish they had the self-control to not take advantage of that open door policy. I've had to [try to] establish boundaries, which is hard to do when it's a VIP.

    I've literally broken my health putting out fires. Difficult for me to rein myself in, the urge to dip souls out of the Styx is so strong.

    What I hate is the guilt trips I get when I can't or don't make myself available for once.

    A female ISTP friend of mine was giving me a bit of a lecture -- "You have GOT to take care of yourself... I mean it... if the world was gonna spin off it's axis without you, then it was gonna happen anyway..."
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  7. #37
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    8,470

    Default

    I am not speaking of anyone here, but ENFJ are often busybodies. They can think they are "helping" rather than actually helping. It probably makes it easier to be pushy with people if you're convinced you're doing them a favor.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  8. #38
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    MBTI
    eNFJ
    Enneagram
    4w3 sx/so
    Socionics
    eNFJ Ni
    Posts
    11,443

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    I am not speaking of anyone here, but ENFJ are often busybodies. They can think they are "helping" rather than actually helping. It probably makes it easier to be pushy with people if you're convinced you're doing them a favor.
    Babe, we're talking about people coming to us. Not us going to them. At least that's what I'M talking about.

    Good to see you back, Syn. I was about to send the dogs out after you.

    On the subject: back in school, I knew a dodgey little ISFP boy who got bullied a lot. ESFJ friend and I took one silent look at each other and stepped in. Yes, without being asked. Caretaker nature. I can see how some people might not like that sort of intrusion.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  9. #39
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    8,470

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Babe, we're talking about people coming to us. Not us going to them. At least that's what I'M talking about.

    Good to see you back, Syn. I was about to send the dogs out after you.
    Yea, but is it possible for an ENFJ to think someone is coming to them for help when all they're really doing is venting or talking?

    Thanks for saying you're glad to see my back. I'm just stirring the pot a bit.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  10. #40
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    MBTI
    eNFJ
    Enneagram
    4w3 sx/so
    Socionics
    eNFJ Ni
    Posts
    11,443

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    Yea, but is it possible for an ENFJ to think someone is coming to them for help when all they're really doing is venting or talking?
    An interesting point, a common pothole NFJs fall into. I've learned to rein in that knee-jerk response. Having an ENFP around has helped to temper that.

    The language must be "Help me", "I need your input", "I can't think straight, what should I do?", "Does this sound wrong/right?" et al. Helping someone can simply be listening without comment or putting your arms around them if they're falling apart.

    If it relationship trouble, I reserve any advice. I just listen and try to reinforce the person I love as opposed to "you had to know X was a creep/harpy"...

    Thanks for saying you're glad to see my back. I'm just stirring the pot a bit.
    That pot needed some stirring. Things were sticking to the sides. It was pretty gross.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFP] ENFPs: Do you ever feel like this under pressure or stress?
    By SingSmileShine in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 07-05-2013, 04:56 PM
  2. [ISFP] ISFPs do you ever feel like you are being treated like a doormat?
    By liYA in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 03-02-2011, 05:57 PM
  3. [MBTItm] Ever feel like you always have somthing to do?
    By Cloudblue in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 05-11-2010, 10:54 PM
  4. [ENFJ] My fellow ENFJ's: Do You Ever Feel USED?
    By Desperado44 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 05-11-2010, 04:37 PM
  5. [MBTItm] do you ever feel like you're "lagging" behind?
    By file cabinet in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 05-14-2009, 05:36 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO