[ENFP] ENFP's deep, intense empathy: a gift and a curse?

[Lady_X]

nicely said edhan, i agree.

 

[the state i am in]

op-
i think it has more to do with you than with your desire to help others. i find i have more trouble at times bc i go back and forth with increasing speed until i realize i just do not KNOW what is best for anyone. the world is very complex. but that is beside the point, bc we attack the problem from a different perspective.

nonetheless, i get what you're saying. i too have often felt this way. everyone needs a purpose and something to define them. as we mature we become more balanced and accept slowness and downtime in our immediate present. we trust more bc we have more to rely upon.

however, what you give is, it seems to me, less empathy and more love. Fi knows feeling. it has worked out the mathematical equations internally. enfp's great gift, to my ears, sounds less like empathy and more like enthusiasm. it is a contagious enthusiasm. enthusiasm is based on a word of divination, entheos. it inspires profound changes, lifts spirits, gives and gives and gives. it's greatest skill is that it PRODUCES so much, it always has a surplus to give, and as a result it DOES and does not ever stop.

your feelings of disappointment when there is nothing to be done, where you are obsolete, etc, those are perfectly understandable. thinkers will attack it based on objective logic, but no one likes to shrivel up like a branch cut off from the wide base of the tree's trunk. luckily for you we will never run out of our need to be inspired, enthused, lifted (and lucky for us). and you will also learn how to balance your own needs as well as those of others as you mature (tentatively guessing your age based on your handle).

but regardless it seems like a very beautiful dream, we need them so the world has something to float along upon like the current of a river. the buoyancy of hope keeps a dishonest world honest, incites everyone to participate when the games are stacked and corrupted from the inside out.

 

[garbage]

To me this entire empathy , love people , need people .... etc. thing in many cases look like something that can be called a form masturbation.

Let me give you some feedback other than "you're wrong :steam:" because you've actually posited some good ideas.

We're all going to want to play to our natural strengths under stress, even when it's not the best course of action. NFs tend to excel in helping other people, so, under stress, they may turn to helping others rather than confronting their own problems.

As a result.. yes, one may deny that someone is okay, just so that they can help out. But I, for one, know that in order to truly be able to help others, I've got to be healthy first.

Overall, empathy isn't a weakness.


There's an analog for empathy and helping people, and all of the unhealthy implications you describe, for all types. Just look at each type's natural strengths and dominant functions, and you'll have the exact nature of that analog.

 

[Little Linguist]

I help other people when they want to be helped. Otherwise, they can kiss my ass.

Nahhh, not that bad. But what I mean is: I don't show my empathy for others when they just shit on me in return. What's the point?

Otherwise, when people react positively, I am happy to give them all the love and support they need!

 

[Virtual ghost]

My post was not designed to be right (or wrong) since it was a provocation.

What I was trying to see is how NFs will react if you attack them directly in so crucial area.

 

[Moiety]

I will probably hurt someones feelings but I think that some things need to be said.


To me this entire empathy , love people , need people .... etc. thing in many cases look like something that can be called a form masturbation.

I would dare to say that this comes out because of problems with your confidance.
You (NFs) when you don't know what to do you play it safe by trying to help people understand their feelings. Basicly this is nothing more then need to be needed.

Plus if you are in vulnerable/unplesant situation you will make a number of mistakes. Mostlly by projecting your emotions on others.
OK sometimes people really need help, that is a fact. But NFs approach in this kinds of things can go too far. So instead that you help a person you annoy that person. Probably by saying that they are denying their feelings.
While the person can have much smaller set of emotions.
Not to mention that in many cases can be debated if the person actually need a session.

I think that in many cases you are the ones that really need help/support and you probably know it.

As for gift/curse: I think that is more of a curse.



This is written in very simplistic way but I think that my claims are clear.

NF perception makes just as many errors as NT perception. Also, androids are harder to diagnose

 

[Lady_X]

there ya go sy

 

[Kanamori]

Understanding people easily right away would be a huge plus to have on your side. For whatever you wanted to do...

 

[Uytuun]

Hmm, I can actually relate to some of this.

I don't need to feel needed and I don't yearn to connect, but I do feel it when someone is feeling down, or something is wrong or etc. and I will often feel like I need to do something...especially with people I have connected with. I guess it's a matter of wondering about/being sensitive to what people would like me to do - I actually have a pretty bad case of that for a T, it feels like an obligation, sometimes - not entirely comfortable, but also something I can't help but having around. I don't always follow through for a variety of reasons, especially when the "demands" on the part of the other person get too much or aren't in line with my own beliefs (Fe and Si values I can't really deal with too well) I'll try to block the feeling with cold hard reason. I guess I'm most sensitive to other people's Fi. Also, sometimes I see things that aren't there and find that people take their issue less seriously than I do - projection. Tertiary Fi that I can't control that well.

 

[ConchShell]

This does sound familiar. Must be our dominant Ne + Fi that does this. As each year goes by I get a bit more selective about who to give my empathy to. Agree with Little Linguist here that it can be useful to be selective in this. I used to give out empathy free for all when much younger but found this doesn't work well with everyone. Some people simply don't want it thank you very much and others don't deserve it. I sponsor a child with a charity to fulfill my need to do something useful for someone. When I feel like more drama I sometimes daydream drama rather than finding problems to create a drama with.

 

[Into It]

I'm an ENFP, and I'm empathically blind. This may be more useful in another thread...

 

[kyuuei]

I identify only with the need to feel useful.

If people are well, it is all the better for me, and I am genuinely happier when people are happier. When they are not though, I am not upset.. I work with them as best as I can and do what I can to help lift them up, as people help lift me up when I need it.

 

[the state i am in]

If people are well, it is all the better for me, and I am genuinely happier when people are happier. When they are not though, I am not upset.. I work with them as best as I can and do what I can to help lift them up, as people help lift me up when I need it.

in contrast to the op, i've seen this a lot too from very healthy and mature enfps.

i think there is a very wide range in how romantic (read: gushing, yearning etc) an enfp can be. the nf idealism can be more youthy and lyrical and full of adornment, drama, excitement, etc. or it can be more grounded in practicality, immediate circumstances, and helping initiate solutions in the here and now. maybe it is based on a reliance of tertiary Te vs inferior Si (drippingly sentimental).

i tend to like both directions. from my perspective enfps maximize their strengths when they are somewhat balanced with introverted and extraverted functions. they kind of check themselves a bit and develop a profound depth of understanding to compliment their maneuverability.

 

[thesilvercord]

I identify only with the need to feel useful.

If people are well, it is all the better for me, and I am genuinely happier when people are happier. When they are not though, I am not upset.. I work with them as best as I can and do what I can to help lift them up, as people help lift me up when I need it.

This is so true. The reality, at least to me, is that most people are seemingly unhappy and so it feels like the ENFP's work is never complete.

 

[CzeCze]

Does anyone else experience this sort of intense feeling of wanting to connect with people, wanting to understand them, wanting to help them and love them and change their lives.... and a sort of restless desperation when nobody needs your help?

there are days when i just feel such a strong and personal yearning to connect. sometimes it's just an overwhelming desire to cheer someone up (writing encouraging letters, calling an old friend), or a desire to engage in an exciting or spiritual or complex conversation with someone..... but sometimes it's that dreamy, almost whimsical, longing to change a life, touch a soul, mend a heart.......

when you're bored and alone on a late night, some people have dreams of money and fame and power.... this is my dream: to randomly meet someone who is interesting, dynamic, kind, and broken... together we would explore the world, explore the mind, explore the heart, and i would be able to heal, inspire, entertain, and love them.... forever, complete with our own soundtrack and movie montage

but back to reality i feel like everyday is an opportunity. i love helping people and talking with them in almost any and every way.... but there are those days when everyone is having fun, everyone is happy and content on their own, there's no drama to mediate, no conflicts to settle, no advice to give, no explanations to provide, no gloomy faces to brighten.....

i hate those days it makes me feel useless, boring, awkward, and restless... almost paranoid sometimes....

does anyone identify with any part of this?

No, no, no, no, no.

I absolutely do not want to meet broken people, I absolutely do not want to fix anyone.

I want to be complete as me and be happy and whole.

The only thing is, I need to connect to other people and the larger world to be fully activated. You could blame it purely on extraversion (I'm a pretty strong extravert who spends long moments alone, which basically means I don't sleep well, lol and apparently we're a rare bunch).

So yes, yes, yes, I do have a strong fundamental desire to connect with people in particular and humanity and the world in general. I don't feel fully alive otherwise. Yes, I do thrive on intimacy and connection.

That's why I (usually) practice careful discernment and good judgement. I want to connect with people who are able to connect with me in a healthy, ethical way.

I'm not sure if what you are feeling is pure fantasy, and we all have fantasies that don't rule our everyday lives and we reserve for daydreamy sighs - but I really strongly hope you don't have this romantic desire to 'save people' and partner with a broken soul who needs you. You are leading yourself into highly troubled and messy waters. A full blown dysfunctional relationship that will rule over your life and color every other relationship you have.

If you want to save someone, channel your energies into larger causes - domestic violence, education children, feeding the hungry, stopping war, saving the environment.

And learn to value yourself no matter what kind of person you are. Learn to base your own happiness and self-worth on internal guidelines, not on other people needing you or telling you how much you mean to them.

There is a very fine line between a healthy desire for connection and something deceptive or dysfunctional. I'm sorry I can't put it more eloquently.

 

[OregonENFP]

Does anyone else experience this sort of intense feeling of wanting to connect with people, wanting to understand them, wanting to help them and love them and change their lives.... and a sort of restless desperation when nobody needs your help?

Ok, I can relate to this. I'm not so much the 'Mother Theresa' type the way it seems like you are but I want to feel needed for sure. Interesting.... I'm really thinking a lot about what you said because my life lately has lacked that quality and I find myself longing for it so much.

 

[sciski]

a sort of restless desperation when nobody needs your help?

Hmmmmmmmmm... do you think this is ENFP's witchy/6th Fe function coming up to trip them up?

ENFPs act way more healthy and awesome when they're exercising their Fi rather than dwelling in Fe. You seem to be actively searching for a codependent relationship... that ain't good!

Listen to CzeCze, kyuuei and LittleLinguist. Connect deeply, but resist the urge to help people to buttress your sense of self-worth. Help them when they need help. Or help them because you're bored and looking for something to do that involves making the world a better place according to your vision (healthy Ne + Fi), rather than because it will fill up some gap in your life. Retain your sincere and warm detachment. That is what is gold about Fi--it's caring but it's not vampiric.

In short, helping someone because you feel the need to help is ultimately about you, not the other person... and that may not be particularly helpful in the end.

I really strongly hope you don't have this romantic desire to 'save people' and partner with a broken soul who needs you. You are leading yourself into highly troubled and messy waters. A full blown dysfunctional relationship that will rule over your life and color every other relationship you have.

I cannot agree more.

everyone is having fun, everyone is happy and content on their own, there's no drama to mediate, no conflicts to settle, no advice to give, no explanations to provide, no gloomy faces to brighten.....

This sounds rather nice!

 

[Synapse]

Wanting to connect with others sure, that is a natural process, yet positive individuals help forge the boundaries with the negative individuals. For trying to save or find people who can't be fixed will drag you to the bottom so easily and then your self worth dies a bit each time you try to spend energy in saving them.

I have to echo what has been said because I tried teaching my family that their behaviour is incredibly wrong, I became self destructive for not being able to help. I can't imagine I'd have been pleasant to be around four years ago, I absorbed the negative energy and what I thought I could fix ended up affecting my relationships with others. I think to save yourself all kinds of hell and sanity spend time dealing with positive energy that will support your self than get lowered to the level of the person you get in your head you think you can save. But of course isn't ENFP, still an ENFP girl wanted to help me but I was too out of it at the time to notice and distanced myself at the time.

 

[MattC333]

I'm not sure if what you are feeling is pure fantasy, and we all have fantasies that don't rule our everyday lives and we reserve for daydreamy sighs - but I really strongly hope you don't have this romantic desire to 'save people' and partner with a broken soul who needs you. You are leading yourself into highly troubled and messy waters. A full blown dysfunctional relationship that will rule over your life and color every other relationship you have.

If you want to save someone, channel your energies into larger causes - domestic violence, education children, feeding the hungry, stopping war, saving the environment.

Yes, yes and yes! Don't go into romance hoping to 'fix' someone. You will destroy yourself. My ex fiancee desperately needed fixing (Don't know her type but I strongly suspect ISTJ) and when I couldn't I'd get depressed or she'd have a go at me for not minding my own business and get depressed. Not good mojo people.

I still meet people who I really like then I find something they want to change and end up helping them there, but I don't meet them on the basis that 'ohh you need help, I'll be your friend'. It's really bad to only want to meet broken people.

Although, because I've gone from I to E in the last few years, via a massive course and self-help and self-training, I tend to show people how to be more E. It's a natural tendency of mine. I have 3 friends who have expressed an open interest in becoming more confident so now they have me training them, teaching them social sciences, teaching them better self-awareness and confidence techniques like better body language and better communication. However at no point do I claim 'I'm so confident, I'm such an expert', I just show them that I've done it, give them examples (like stopping random people on the street to just chat to them) and them encourage them relentlessly to be their best self.

But these aren't the only relationships I have, these are just ones that help me fulfil my desire to be helpful and useful. i couldn't have a whole circle of people needing my help. Even I don't have the energy to cope with that!!!

You'll burn out with that approach and feel like a failure to all your friends when you realise you can't save them all.

 

[cheerchick23]

hahaha i totally just read my op.... wow i must have been high or loopy or something that night! idk what i was thinking while writing all that. i think i was like depressed and needy that night and instead of eating my feelings... i typed them wow. anyway.

sorry folks for such a weird awkward thread.... i was being retarded about all of that. i agree with everyone else's responses. hahaha my bad, people! my bad!