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  1. #1
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    Red face ENFJs: explain yourselves...

    Haha, do you like my imposing thread title?

    It's not so imposing, after all -- trust me.

    Really, I just want you to tell me why you are the way you are.

    I have some questions:

    1. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your best days.
    2. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your worst days.
    3. Favorite type for romantic interest, and why.
    4. Can someone explain my ENFJ ex (of four years ago - so no longer any animosity or baggage, just curiosity towards him)? I realize he was highly unhealthy and think y'all are a wonderful lot so I don't want you to think I'm attacking the type itself, but I still want some clarification.
    a. he claimed he worshipped me, but at the same time he criticized every little thing I did that he didn't like, quite vocally.
    b. when we broke up, he demanded back all of his letters, and even the painting he gave me which I loved.
    c. after we broke up he hid from me when I came to pick up my electric toothbrush from his mother's house where he still lived at 33.
    d. he spent two out of the four years of our relationship playing online role-playing games OR dungeons & dragons with his best friend down the street 24-7, literally. when I asked him to spend more time with me, he got angry.
    e. his emails would seem quite manipulative emotionally during times we were broken up... melodrama about how bad I made him feel but with no conclusive evidence WHY, leaving me confused and feeling sorry for... *nothing?*
    f. broke up with me about 30 times and after four years together didn't want any kind of commitment beyond bf/gf, but when I finally wouldn't go back with him after the last time then he asked me to marry him.
    g. constantly asked me what I was thinking/feeling and I could never satisfy him with the "right" answer; he would get really mad at me every time I replied because it wasn't what he wanted out of me, I guess.

    Again the above is very negative -- I should mention he was a good artist and a very sweet person, at the core. But I'm not criticizing. I'm curious why the enigmatic behavior? Is it type-related or his shadow side?

    Thanks ENFJs who can answer me these questions. I love figuring out people and types!

  2. #2
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    1. Energetic, Determined, Eccentric
    2. Apathetic, Distrustful, Confused
    3. INFP, just because I have never dated one and I wonder what it would be like.
    4. Interesting, I would say that he is very idealistic in nature and had this perfect image of you built up in his mind. From there you can see that if you ever did something to 'tarnish' this image he had of you that it would make him very critical-resulting in him lashing out at you.

    As far as the constant break-ups go I don't really know what to say. Did he do the breaking up every time?

    To me it just seems almost all the issues you listed are a derivative of my original point. Him playing online games is an addiction to social interaction, not in the traditional sense, but in that he can get his fix anytime by just playing the game.

  3. #3
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    Haha, do you like my imposing thread title?

    It's not so imposing, after all -- trust me.

    Really, I just want you to tell me why you are the way you are.

    I have some questions:

    1. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your best days.
    2. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your worst days.
    3. Favorite type for romantic interest, and why.
    4. Can someone explain my ENFJ ex (of four years ago - so no longer any animosity or baggage, just curiosity towards him)? I realize he was highly unhealthy and think y'all are a wonderful lot so I don't want you to think I'm attacking the type itself, but I still want some clarification.
    a. he claimed he worshipped me, but at the same time he criticized every little thing I did that he didn't like, quite vocally.
    b. when we broke up, he demanded back all of his letters, and even the painting he gave me which I loved.
    c. after we broke up he hid from me when I came to pick up my electric toothbrush from his mother's house where he still lived at 33.
    d. he spent two out of the four years of our relationship playing online role-playing games OR dungeons & dragons with his best friend down the street 24-7, literally. when I asked him to spend more time with me, he got angry.
    e. his emails would seem quite manipulative emotionally during times we were broken up... melodrama about how bad I made him feel but with no conclusive evidence WHY, leaving me confused and feeling sorry for... *nothing?*
    f. broke up with me about 30 times and after four years together didn't want any kind of commitment beyond bf/gf, but when I finally wouldn't go back with him after the last time then he asked me to marry him.
    g. constantly asked me what I was thinking/feeling and I could never satisfy him with the "right" answer; he would get really mad at me every time I replied because it wasn't what he wanted out of me, I guess.

    Again the above is very negative -- I should mention he was a good artist and a very sweet person, at the core. But I'm not criticizing. I'm curious why the enigmatic behavior? Is it type-related or his shadow side?

    Thanks ENFJs who can answer me these questions. I love figuring out people and types!
    1) Happy, energetic, powerful,)
    2) Pissed off, Down, negative
    3) I would say INFP for the same reasons as SpottingTrains and because I hear wonderful things about them.
    4)-
    a- Well I guess that he did love you but sort of saw room for "improvement." I guess I am guilty of trying to "perfect" things and may be even people that need no help at all.
    b- When he gave you those things he must have had some sort of emotional attachment/meaning to them, he just wants the things that mean something to him back. ENFjs put a lot value to their emotions and feelings.
    c- Well he just wanted to forget you completely I asume. When ever I leave someone I want to cut all ties with that person completely. It makes it easier to get over them.
    d- Sounds like unhealthy behaviour, sounds like that was his way of socializing, not much I can tell you there.
    e- Sounds to me like he wanted his ego to be stroked a little. I think he just wanted the attention and I think most ENFJs like to play the victim card.
    f- Well he sounds unstable, he lets his emotions get the best of him and seems to like to "jump the gun."
    g- Well I guess ENFjs simply like to know the "health" of the relationship. The issue it seems that he wanted to hear something especific (perhaps you gushing feelings of happyness?) instead of reality.

    Ok I answered them as best as I saw fit. I hope that helped.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

  4. #4
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    Haha, do you like my imposing thread title?
    I was very impressed by it!

    It's not so imposing, after all -- trust me.
    Drat! lol

    Really, I just want you to tell me why you are the way you are.
    Dropped on my head as a baby.

    I have some questions:

    1. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your best days.
    Caring, warm, comical.


    2. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your worst days.
    Acid, cold, blanket hate.


    3. Favorite type for romantic interest, and why.
    NTPs/certain ISTPs.

    I find Ti and Ne attractive and a natural fit with my personality. I feel as if I'm hard to take sometimes, and that I'm profoundly sensitive to other peoples' feelings, so I need someone who is aware also, but not controlled by emotional climate.

    4. Can someone explain my ENFJ ex (of four years ago - so no longer any animosity or baggage, just curiosity towards him)? I realize he was highly unhealthy and think y'all are a wonderful lot so I don't want you to think I'm attacking the type itself, but I still want some clarification.
    No offense taken. ENFJs on a rampage can be total brats.


    a. he claimed he worshipped me, but at the same time he criticized every little thing I did that he didn't like, quite vocally.
    Insecurity is ugly, isn't it?

    b. when we broke up, he demanded back all of his letters, and even the painting he gave me which I loved.
    I hope you told him no. Gifts are gifts. Taking it back is childish and mean.

    c. after we broke up he hid from me when I came to pick up my electric toothbrush from his mother's house where he still lived at 33.
    Dude...

    d. he spent two out of the four years of our relationship playing online role-playing games OR dungeons & dragons with his best friend down the street 24-7, literally. when I asked him to spend more time with me, he got angry.
    More immaturity.

    e. his emails would seem quite manipulative emotionally during times we were broken up... melodrama about how bad I made him feel but with no conclusive evidence WHY, leaving me confused and feeling sorry for... *nothing?*
    More immaturity.

    f. broke up with me about 30 times and after four years together didn't want any kind of commitment beyond bf/gf, but when I finally wouldn't go back with him after the last time then he asked me to marry him.
    Ever feel as if manipulation is like a clammy hand in your shirt?

    g. constantly asked me what I was thinking/feeling and I could never satisfy him with the "right" answer; he would get really mad at me every time I replied because it wasn't what he wanted out of me, I guess.
    Beware ANYONE with over-inflated Fe and undermined Ni. You'll get drama bomb after drama bomb.

    Again the above is very negative -- I should mention he was a good artist and a very sweet person, at the core. But I'm not criticizing. I'm curious why the enigmatic behavior? Is it type-related or his shadow side?

    Thanks ENFJs who can answer me these questions. I love figuring out people and types!
    I'll say this: artistes are people that you can probably expect wild strange behavior from. It's like whatever makes them brilliant at their work also makes them unlivable and demanding as a person. I'm sure he had his good qualities or you wouldn't have bothered to be involved with him, but that relationship sounds like it was exhausting and overrun with controlling behaviors.

    On to bigger and better, my dear!
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    Haha, do you like my imposing thread title?

    It's not so imposing, after all -- trust me.

    Really, I just want you to tell me why you are the way you are.

    I have some questions:

    1. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your best days.
    2. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your worst days.
    3. Favorite type for romantic interest, and why.
    4. Can someone explain my ENFJ ex (of four years ago - so no longer any animosity or baggage, just curiosity towards him)? I realize he was highly unhealthy and think y'all are a wonderful lot so I don't want you to think I'm attacking the type itself, but I still want some clarification.
    a. he claimed he worshipped me, but at the same time he criticized every little thing I did that he didn't like, quite vocally.
    b. when we broke up, he demanded back all of his letters, and even the painting he gave me which I loved.
    c. after we broke up he hid from me when I came to pick up my electric toothbrush from his mother's house where he still lived at 33.
    d. he spent two out of the four years of our relationship playing online role-playing games OR dungeons & dragons with his best friend down the street 24-7, literally. when I asked him to spend more time with me, he got angry.
    e. his emails would seem quite manipulative emotionally during times we were broken up... melodrama about how bad I made him feel but with no conclusive evidence WHY, leaving me confused and feeling sorry for... *nothing?*
    f. broke up with me about 30 times and after four years together didn't want any kind of commitment beyond bf/gf, but when I finally wouldn't go back with him after the last time then he asked me to marry him.
    g. constantly asked me what I was thinking/feeling and I could never satisfy him with the "right" answer; he would get really mad at me every time I replied because it wasn't what he wanted out of me, I guess.

    Again the above is very negative -- I should mention he was a good artist and a very sweet person, at the core. But I'm not criticizing. I'm curious why the enigmatic behavior? Is it type-related or his shadow side?

    Thanks ENFJs who can answer me these questions. I love figuring out people and types!
    1. Passionate, radiant, selfless.
    2. Brash, arrogant, manipulative.
    3. ENFP. I love their passionate intensity and their lighthearted joy . They are the best of both worlds and help me to lighten up but still engage in serious, deep thoughts.
    4. Not touchin the boyfriend one O_o.

  6. #6
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    I love the responses so far, guys, thank you!

    Those of you who have given me perspective on my ex were very helpful and I found it enlightening. Keep it coming!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Kungpowish's Avatar
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    1: Energetic,funny,kind
    2: Moody,Wrathful,Hurtful
    3:ENFx, I like someone I feel is like me.
    4: I don't have too much to add, I agree with what's been said. But I would like to comment on e. I know that when I'm hurting I always feel an instinctual need to tell the other person or even better, let them know without saying it outright. The why isn't always clear in my head but I think it comes from the way I know I act. I know that I can't stand to hurt others so I feel that letting others know they hurt me will manipulate them into doing what I want so I'll be happy again. Not to flattering but I'm not perfect.

  8. #8
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    Hi Maliafee, I hope you don't mind me answering since I'm not ENFJ myself. My best friend is though and I can really relate to what everyone has replied so far. She has constant problems with relationships and whenever this happens she likes to seek me out to talk about the latest development. I am not sure exactly why because I am INTJ and have very level headed views about romantic relationships. But I have probably listened to hours worth of talk so I thought maybe my observation of my ENFJ friend might be insightful from a 3rd party sort of perspective if I describe how I see her.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    Top three adjectives to characterize my friend on her best days.
    Energetic, determined, helpful

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    Top three adjectives to characterize my friend on her worst days.
    Vengeful, suspicious, (feeling) unappreciated/apathetic

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    Favorite type for romantic interest, and why.
    She is interested in anyone of any type who can pay her a lot of personal attention and confirm almost non-stop how much she means to them. She likes to be reminded incessantly and the second they stop she gets worried and starts doubting them and herself. This is because she bases her opinion of herself and self worth primarily on what other people appear to think of her.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    he claimed he worshipped me, but at the same time he criticized every little thing I did that he didn't like, quite vocally.
    She has a “perfect man and relationship” ideal stored in her head which she expects her partner to live up to and when things match up she adores them. Any slight deviation from the ideal though and she is becomes very critical. I am not sure if to her partner's face or not but certainly I get to hear of every (often imagined) fault he has and she will overlook any good points they have once she sees they are not perfect.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    when we broke up, he demanded back all of his letters, and even the painting he gave me which I loved.
    She often gets hurt if she gives a partner a gift and they don't quite seem to appreciate it exactly how she imagined. I think these things are very important to her as a sort of expression of how she feels and hold quite a bit of meaning. If her partner is a T type she often has trouble understanding why those things don't hold as much significance for them.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    he spent two out of the four years of our relationship playing online role-playing games OR dungeons & dragons with his best friend down the street 24-7, literally.
    My friend is not into gaming but she has a lot of trouble being alone for any period of time and is constantly with people. She gets quite anxious if she even has to spend part of an evening alone by herself. Her life seems to be about how many people she can cram into it.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    his emails would seem quite manipulative emotionally during times we were broken up... melodrama about how bad I made him feel but with no conclusive evidence WHY
    Similar to what I said above, I haven't witnessed how she does this to her partner but she will give me all the details of how they make her feel bad, how they are wrong and how she intends to pay them back (preferably by showing them up for the “bad” person they are in public in front of all their friends). I can imagine she would use a kind of silent, guilt thing to manipulate her partner into giving her the attention she is looking for.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    broke up with me about 30 times and after four years together didn't want any kind of commitment beyond bf/gf, but when I finally wouldn't go back with him after the last time then he asked me to marry him.
    She has men coming out her ears and is on, off, on, off, on, off with the commitment thing. I don't know how she juggles so many people. I am often not sure who she is actually with. She values monogamy and loyalty highly and is deeply suspicious that any partner of her's is having an affair while often at the same time actually having an affair with someone else. If I point out the double standard she can't understand what I mean because from her point of view if the current partner does not match up to her ideal and therefore is not completely satisfying her need for validation she feels she is justified to go look for it in a more perfect man. Or sometimes – men. I don't think this is because she is a horrible person in any way but more that she loses her self confidence as soon as it even starts to look like she has no Knight in Shining Armour in her life – even if only for 2 seconds.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    constantly asked me what I was thinking/feeling and I could never satisfy him with the "right" answer; he would get really mad at me every time I replied because it wasn't what he wanted out of me, I guess.
    She needs constant feedback from partners to reaffirm how committed they are to the relationship and what it means and what she means to them and needs to know all the time what they feel/think about things because she doesn't get her feelings of self worth from inside herself, everything is based on other people's opinions and how she imagines things should be.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    I should mention he was a good artist and a very sweet person, at the core.
    Yes, my friend is too. She is an amazing musician. And she is wonderful fun.

    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post
    I love figuring out people and types!
    I do too which is why I am so interested in why my ENFJ friend does things the way she does!

    Quote Originally Posted by Kungpowish View Post
    I would like to comment on e. I know that when I'm hurting I always feel an instinctual need to tell the other person or even better, let them know without saying it outright. The why isn't always clear in my head but I think it comes from the way I know I act. I know that I can't stand to hurt others so I feel that letting others know they hurt me will manipulate them into doing what I want so I'll be happy again.
    My friend does this too. Sometimes it can be hard to figure out what she is hurt about because it seems like she expects others to read her mind. It's almost the stereotype of what men complain about with women expecting them to be mind readers when they are upset and I can relate to that as an INTJ even though I'm a girl because I don't do that myself.

  9. #9
    Junior Member Ariel's Avatar
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    It really is weird for me to read the descriptions of ENFJ's, as I feel like I can relate to those, but at the same time can't stand the described behaviors.

    1. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your best days.
    Warm, Funny, Selfless

    2. Top three adjectives to characterize yourself on your worst days.
    Manipulative, Angry, Insecure

    3. Favorite type for romantic interest, and why.
    ENFP's or INFP's. They seem to be very understanding and kind. I have an ENFP friend whom I absolutely adore, and I get along really well with people who share my strong opinions on things, and that I can relate to. However, from the various tests I took, seems like I don't have strong personality traits, and can easily adapt my behavior to different situations. I like my partners to be honest, patient, sensitive and considerate.

    4. Can someone explain my ENFJ ex (of four years ago - so no longer any animosity or baggage, just curiosity towards him)? I realize he was highly unhealthy and think y'all are a wonderful lot so I don't want you to think I'm attacking the type itself, but I still want some clarification.
    I think his behavior wasn't striclty type-related. ENFJ's aren't all freaks!! I hope you stood up to him, though. Maybe you shouldn't have agreed to come back to him after so many break-ups, he probably thought he could behave that way without any consequences.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Jonathanthegreat's Avatar
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    I feel like you were terribly hurt by your ex-ENFJ boyfriend. I'm sorry.

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