oh, I wish I could hold your hand and give you hugsIt's a relief to know that other ENFP's understand what I'm feeling. It's so hard to explain how hideously bad "bad" feels, and how I can't stop it once I've been pushed over. It's like I've tripped, and I'm sliding down a steep muddy slope - no matter how hard I try to slow my descent, I can't stop it until I'm at the bottom. I don't do that very often. Normally, I'm very aware of myself, and I have a lot of self-control most of the time. The things that have been happening to me, and to Pink, over the last year, happening to our bodies, to our family - I prioritize where my feelings go, and I have to dismiss what I can't do anything about, but no one can control how they feel about a situation. They can only control how they react to it. That's what I've been trying to do. Only, every once in awhile, all of the hurt and fear and anger comes pouring out of me, despite my best attempts at trying to pace it. Then it's not regular crying, it's like this terrible sobbing that comes from somewhere deep inside of me, and I can't stop it, to the point where I'm physically exhausted. But, I have to just ride it out. I'm just so sorry that it upsets Pink so much. She wants me to be okay, and I appreciate that so much.
Usually it happens when my sense of place in the cosmic levels is messed up, like I can deal with all of the terrible things in the world as long as I know that God still loves me and wants to care for me. But, when that gets violated, there's nothing anyone can say to fix it, because my head thinks, " Who can speak for God?!" and then the descent begins. I have to believe that people's lives - their bodies and souls and spirits - that each one of them matters to God. I have to believe that, or I wouldn't be able to deal with the world unless there was hope for change and for better things.