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Thread: Ask an ENFJ

  1. #101
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    How do I mend relations with an ENFJ girl who won't talk to me no more? :'( I'm in a position where I've got a lot of cards in my favour I could play, but I don't know how she likes to be treated. Last time I "opened up" to her and told her I hated to see her upset, and then when I invited her to an event I was helping to organize, she ignored it.

    Since then a lot of time has past and I can have a lot of other girls, but I can't stop thinking about this one. So what's the best way to go about it? (nothing to lose now as I left uni and she is still there, and we aren't going to be "friends").
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

  2. #102
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Ignore is past care, waaaay past an ENFJ caring

    Unfortunately if you are at the ignore and avoid level you did something or a pattern of something that she perceives as "not okay". When did the ignoring begin? that is the clue to what triggered the ignore button we ENFJ's have. Personally I never ignore until I get a pattern of disappointment/disrespect/inconsideration/etc.
    Also we jump at communication with people we like and I actually have a hard time not initiating (I am a girl but ENFJ's rock at initiation!) so not a good sign if she not communicating and honestly she probably moved on and is happy and busy if the attachment wasn't deeply bonded.

    To correct approach her on her terms. For example talk to her and be willing to hear her perspective and show (e.g. say it to her and then act also) that you are willing to hear her truly and want to know her perspective. If she wants to continue with you then time and continued value for our friendship/relationship will put you right back on track. Then just be the INTP you and she will be a sucker!
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
    Intuitive (N) 51.72% Sensing (S) 48.28%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 69.44% Perceiving (P) 30.56%

    Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
    so/sx/sp

  3. #103
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    I dated a guy who I thought was cool, until one day he made fun of some random chicks body in front of me...I thought that it was really disrespectful and rude, it was over after that, never talked to him again.

  4. #104
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    Unfortunately if you are at the ignore and avoid level you did something or a pattern of something that she perceives as "not okay". When did the ignoring begin? that is the clue to what triggered the ignore button we ENFJ's have. Personally I never ignore until I get a pattern of disappointment/disrespect/inconsideration/etc.
    Also we jump at communication with people we like and I actually have a hard time not initiating (I am a girl but ENFJ's rock at initiation!) so not a good sign if she not communicating and honestly she probably moved on and is happy and busy if the attachment wasn't deeply bonded.

    To correct approach her on her terms. For example talk to her and be willing to hear her perspective and show (e.g. say it to her and then act also) that you are willing to hear her truly and want to know her perspective. If she wants to continue with you then time and continued value for our friendship/relationship will put you right back on track. Then just be the INTP you and she will be a sucker!
    Yeah I'd figured the ignore thing was bad.

    I haven't seen her for months though and I still want to resolve things with this girl. She was attracted to me at the time, and I have more going for me now than I did then.

    Thanks for the advice. How do you mean though "on her terms"? Something like (confidently and with good humour) "I know I pissed you off, let me take you for a coffee so I can explain I'm not really like that. No pressure, if you're not convinced, that's it". Or something else?
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

  5. #105
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    Ohhhh...ignore and avoid is a really bad sign. I only hit that if I have made a concious decision to emotionally detach from a person becuase they have either repeatedly hurt me or I feel like I am not being listened to and respected despite my best attempts.

    No one has ever gotten back into the fold once they have been booted. At best I will allow for a distant, polite relationship. I think it is that whole thing of enfj's doing "everything they can to make a relationship work" but then being able to walk away when efforts fail.

    I will say this, however: I think if someone came to me and could tell me what they had done wrong with a deep understanding of why it was hurtful to me (and not something I've heard before) and a had a solution of how to make things better moving forward, I might give the person a chance but it would take time to rebuild the trust.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  6. #106
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    I know it sounds crazy. But the last girl I had this feeling about (who also "hated" me), ended up being my girlfriend for 2 years. In that case it was her who engineered the cotnact though. I wouldn't have done it because I don't trust my iNtuition enough (ENFJ's can prob relate because like me, your Nx is only your auxiliary).

    I have caught this girl watching me a few times when I am talking to other people and laughing/joking, with "sulky" eyes, like she doesn't like it. I don't know I've just got a feeling, but don't know how to go about it.

    btw my mother is exfj, if it's of any relevance.
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

  7. #107
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpottingTrains View Post
    ENFJs overall are always typed as being manipulative , whether out intentions are good or bad. Personally, I find my lack of trust in people to be my worst trait (if that counts as one). I find it very hard to truly trust someone.
    I am glad I am not alone.

    Do you try to combat this in yourself or is it simply an established fact?

  8. #108
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ColonelGadaafi View Post
    Ive never meet an ENFJ in person, however if they anything like there S cousins, i'd gladly skip such an experience.
    Oh, that's too bad. ESFJ's and ENFJ's are my favorite people in the whole world. I've never met a more kind and friendly type.

  9. #109
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tcda View Post
    How do I mend relations with an ENFJ girl who won't talk to me no more? :'( I'm in a position where I've got a lot of cards in my favour I could play, but I don't know how she likes to be treated. Last time I "opened up" to her and told her I hated to see her upset, and then when I invited her to an event I was helping to organize, she ignored it.

    Since then a lot of time has past and I can have a lot of other girls, but I can't stop thinking about this one. So what's the best way to go about it? (nothing to lose now as I left uni and she is still there, and we aren't going to be "friends").
    I don't know what you mean by "cards in your favor," but an ENFJ is going to be all about the relationship and not really care about materialistic things like your job or belongings.

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