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  1. #21
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    Oh. Yes.

    It should be said however, individual (and even general "type") values vary largely, which will account for the discrepancies in various perspectives on the paradox of INFJ openness/closedness. For example, I've been surprisingly okay with revealing horrific family events with friendly acquaintances when/if the topic were to surface and personal experience would serve the discussion appropriately. (Topic examples that I have quietly shared with a small group of coworkers during a late night pow-wow: My uncle killed himself in our garage when I was 6 years old. My grandfather murdered my grandmother (and my namesake). I ran away from home at 14 and didn't return for 7 years.) All of which is true information that would be revealed MUCH to the horror of my SJ mother if she knew. It isn't that they are "light" topics to me --just that I don't feel they are significantly revelatory about me as an individual, therefore I feel comfortable sharing these facts if they serve my point or goal.

    Contrarily, my mother's incessant desire to impress her friends with things like "my daughter wants to teach" and "she's been writing since she was a kid" makes me cringe. For reasons completely incomprehensible to her, I do not want this information shared with just anyone because it reveals my passions, therefore it reveals me --whereas my family debacles feel less personal as they are simply "events" that have shaped the course of my serpentine life.

    There are also people who have known me since birth that do not know huge swaths of my life. For example: they would not know that I have survived several serious bouts of suicidal depression, was baptized on my own at 14, decided I was agnostic at 21, was seriously abused for many years by my own mother, or even my favorite song etc --yet I share this information freely with a forum of complete strangers. My choice of self-disclosure is fickle, circumstantially dependent, and purpose-driven whether the listener knows it or not.

    For every inch I reveal there remains a mile underground. Ultimately, INFJs spin their own intricate web of values that seems complicated to many but the makers.
    This seems to be exactly how I operate as well. Right on! I let people see the tiniest nook of the door to my core but 98% of people never step through it.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Dwigie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IDK123 View Post
    This seems to be exactly how I operate as well. Right on! I let people see the tiniest nook of the door to my core but 98% of people never step through it.
    Exactly the same. My mother is indeed horrified.
    I tend to want to know everything about people though .
    Sometimes I feel like I'm "on Mercury"-

  3. #23
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    Contrarily, my mother's incessant desire to impress her friends with things like "my daughter wants to teach" and "she's been writing since she was a kid" makes me cringe. For reasons completely incomprehensible to her, I do not want this information shared with just anyone because it reveals my passions, therefore it reveals me --whereas my family debacles feel less personal as they are simply "events" that have shaped the course of my serpentine life.
    Awww.

    There are also people who have known me since birth that do not know huge swaths of my life. For example: they would not know that I have survived several serious bouts of suicidal depression, was baptized on my own at 14, decided I was agnostic at 21, was seriously abused for many years by my own mother, or even my favorite song etc --yet I share this information freely with a forum of complete strangers. My choice of self-disclosure is fickle, circumstantially dependent, and purpose-driven whether the listener knows it or not.[/B]For every inch I reveal there remains a mile underground. Ultimately, INFJs spin their own intricate web of values that seems complicated to many but the makers.
    Mmm. For a period of time I found it extremely strange how that occured, especially when some of the information is withheld from the closest of friends. Yet I'm sure if these people had asked about such thing... I'd at least be willing to inform them. What about yourself?

  4. #24
    nevermore lane777's Avatar
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    I'm always very private with personal information, even with family and close friends. In the case of every day thoughts and feeling, it has more to do with people not asking enough questions. I'm a very questioning person, so people are opening up to me all the time. Others rarely return the gesture. I need probing to open up, simply because I feel that if someone doesn't ask, they're not interested.
    To die would be an awfully big adventure - Peter Pan

    INFJ ~ 4w5 sp/sx ~ RLOAI ~ Inclusion e/w=1/0 (Melancholy Compulsive) Control: e/w=0/6 (Supine) Affection: e/w=4/0 (Phlegmatic Melancholy)

  5. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    Mmm. For a period of time I found it extremely strange how that occured, especially when some of the information is withheld from the closest of friends. Yet I'm sure if these people had asked about such thing... I'd at least be willing to inform them. What about yourself?
    Certainly. But if people do not appear interested in who I am, I do not care to share. On the other hand, if they do seem interested, I will watch them closely to gauge their level of trustworthiness and share the appropriate level of information.

    Re: lane777

    My boyfriend is an INFP and between the two of us, he is far more likely to withhold his general thoughts and feelings with others whereas I withhold personal goals and dreams or thoughts and feelings I deem inappropriate to disclose.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  6. #26
    Senior Member Cronkle's Avatar
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    I'm not! I'll tell you nearly anything if I trust you, but I definitely have tact.

  7. #27
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Are NFJs feeling there is some sort of premium on being private or not revealing yourself? It's my belief that being misunderstood is partially because of the lack of initiative to make yourself understood or assuming people won't understand you. I don't believe or feel like I am an misunderstood person; I don't even think I encounter people that I feel are difficult to understand. The main ingredients to aretime and openness. It seems like there needs to be an openness or willingness to risk exposing yourself in order to be understood.

    There are things about me that I feel someone more similar to me would understand better and I'm pretty good at picking out people who I feel would understand where I'm coming from so I find little need to be private with those people. I'm not the type of person you'll know for years and just find out something about them.

    I guess I take it as Obvious that I'm not obligated to reveal myself to anyone. And I'm not offended when that attitude is reflected back at me. Then again, I'm not sure what people consider personal information. I have no problem revealing facts about myself, general information things that aren't secrets and I don't care about people knowing.

    OK this is what it comes down to. I already know the people who I want to get to know better and those I don't. I've already thoroughly sussed you out if we come into regular contact and the decision has already been made if you're getting generic responses or something more substantial. Maybe the privacy issue is that the NFJ in question has already decided if you're in or out and if you're out you don't get much.

    My feelings on being private are inconsistent, but generally I don't feel like I'm an especially private person.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  8. #28
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Are NFJs feeling there is some sort of premium on being private or not revealing yourself? It's my belief that being misunderstood is partially because of the lack of initiative to make yourself understood or assuming people won't understand you. I don't believe or feel like I am an misunderstood person; I don't even think I encounter people that I feel are difficult to understand. The main ingredients to aretime and openness. It seems like there needs to be an openness or willingness to risk exposing yourself in order to be understood.

    There are things about me that I feel someone more similar to me would understand better and I'm pretty good at picking out people who I feel would understand where I'm coming from so I find little need to be private with those people. I'm not the type of person you'll know for years and just find out something about them.

    I guess I take it as Obvious that I'm not obligated to reveal myself to anyone. And I'm not offended when that attitude is reflected back at me. Then again, I'm not sure what people consider personal information. I have no problem revealing facts about myself, general information things that aren't secrets and I don't care about people knowing.

    OK this is what it comes down to. I already know the people who I want to get to know better and those I don't. I've already thoroughly sussed you out if we come into regular contact and the decision has already been made if you're getting generic responses or something more substantial. Maybe the privacy issue is that the NFJ in question has already decided if you're in or out and if you're out you don't get much.
    My feelings on being private are inconsistent, but generally I don't feel like I'm an especially private person.
    I wasn't thinking that it was necessarily a good thing to be private. It was just my observation of others and myself. For me personally, it usually takes about 2-3 years to truly open up to someone (to get any real substance from me) Before that, they get generic information that really has no value to me. Then I tend to pull back after awhile. It's just probably more of an individual thing than anything.

  9. #29
    homo-loving sonovagun anii's Avatar
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    I'm much more private than my spouse, and he's NFJ.
    There's reason to be afraid, and reason to open your heart. ~ Seal

    Refreshment for your ears: www.kexp.org

  10. #30
    Senior Member Cronkle's Avatar
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    With close friends I tell everything; I had a conversation last night delineating my sexual history with a trusty INFP, but good luck getting me to say what cereal I like if I don't trust you.

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