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Thread: INFJ Trouble

  1. #11
    rawr Costrin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Oh, I'm having a psychic flash ... it's ... wait a minute ... I can't quite make it out ... is that A DOOR SLAMMING ...

    It never came up in casual conversation that your sister/brother was coming to visit you? I mean, it's not like it's your 5th cousin or something ... you said your sibling came to visit ... yeah, i would be miffed if it was me and I had to sit there listening to somebody else tell me all about meeting your sister or brother when I didn't even know they were coming.
    Honestly, it just doesn't occur to us INTPs to tell anyone these types of things. Doesn't even cross our minds as something we could do.
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  2. #12
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Honestly I wouldn't expect or care if I was introduced to a friends' sibling or not - but that's just me. (Actually I thought meeting relatives was usually just a serious romantic dating thing! haha) [but if she'd made it a point to introduce you to her sibling, then from her perspective she was probably hurt you didn't return in kind..but I'm not sure that's a strict infj thing]

    I think others have made good comments already re. the other stuff.
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  3. #13
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Oh, I'm having a psychic flash ... it's ... wait a minute ... I can't quite make it out ... is that A DOOR SLAMMING ...

    It never came up in casual conversation that your sister/brother was coming to visit you? I mean, it's not like it's your 5th cousin or something ... you said your sibling came to visit ... yeah, i would be miffed if it was me and I had to sit there listening to somebody else tell me all about meeting your sister or brother when I didn't even know they were coming.
    Dammit, I didn't even think about it, and I didn't intend to introduce my sibling to anyone (she was only coming for a night, and we were going to drive somewhere for spring break together the next day). And no, it didn't come up in casual conversation because (1) I forgot and (2) even if I hadn't forgotten, I would still see no reason why anyone should care.

    I mean, if someone told me that their sibling was coming into town I wouldn't really care at all on the basis of that fact alone. If my friend expressed a wish for me to meet his/her sibling, then I would be interested, but not before then.

    Now, though, I regret not just having planned for everyone to meet. I'm really no good at dealing with all of this sensitive stuff...somewhere along the line there's always something or someone's feelings that I unintentionally miss.

    Quote Originally Posted by Costrin View Post
    Honestly, it just doesn't occur to us INTPs to tell anyone these types of things. Doesn't even cross our minds as something we could do.
    Exactly.
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  4. #14
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    Now, though, I regret not just having planned for everyone to meet. I'm really no good at dealing with all of this sensitive stuff...somewhere along the line there's always something or someone's feelings that I unintentionally miss.
    I don't think anyone is that amazing that they don't hurt someone's feelings now and again. I'm sure I have before, and it'll happen again. You can't control how someone else is going to react or respond. You're in control of your own delivery and what you choose to say/do/initiate, but you're not accountable for the manner in which the person responds.

    Like I said, this is sort of a bizarre concept to me that people expect/desire to meet siblings. It's not something I'd ever think of offering to my friends! Just seems kinda odd to me.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  5. #15
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    I don't think you should have to take care of other peoples' feelings. You can't control how someone else is going to react or respond. You're in control of your own delivery and what you choose to say/do/initiate, but you're not accountable for the manner in which the person responds.

    Like I said, this is sort of a bizarre concept to me that people expect/desire to meet siblings. It's not something I'd ever think of offering to my friends! Just seems kinda odd to me.
    Well it's probably less about meeting the sibling than about having been left out of the occasion and forgotten (me, the mutual friend, and the sibling got something to eat for about an hour after we met). We don't, or at least I don't think of it as significant or expect/desire to meet my friend's relatives.

    And yeah, I don't concern myself with managing other people's feelings...ever. It's just that I'd never (until now) run into a situation where in retrospect I had the desire to have managed people's feelings better than I did, which was not at all.
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  6. #16
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Well, if you haven't already talked about it w/ her, maybe just explain some of this to her, to make it clear it wasn't personal, that you hadn't planned on introducing your sibling or getting together with any of your other friends -- that it all just happened spontaneously. I would think she'd understand that!
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  7. #17
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    This is an interesting thread, but I'm wondering if your friend is more of an ISFJ, based on her possible interpretations of your behaviors. And reactions to them.

    I realize it's a spectrum, so maintaining an objective viewpoint within any given situation may vary from INFJ to INFJ, & that's not even counting other psychological factors on the individual's part. Learned behaviors/coping/defense mechanisms of upbringing, sense of self, self value and esteem.

    I suppose if an INFJ has a lot of internal insecurities, he/she might be less apt to hold an objective/empathetic viewpoint about the intent behind your behaviors/actions, however personally, as I crave connection and mutual understanding in all relationships, I tend to clarify- even over clarify with people, regarding motivations behind the things they say and what their personal meaning is. I don't want to misunderstand, take offense, and pull up the drawbridge/lower the gates, and leave someone standing outside, scratching their head saying, "wtf did I do?!" I've been on the other end of such misunderstandings, albeit rarely & only really with emotionally unbalanced people, but regardless, it's unpleasant to feel misunderstood, and I've lived most of my life that way in some aspect or another, and it's something I'd never want to inadvertently do to someone else, even if what they've said could have offensive potential at first glance.


    The defensive responses you mention immediately reminded me of the few ISFJs in my life. A few other Sensing types as well. I'm basing this generalization on my overall narrow scope of experience, however, so I won't declare it holds any truth. Just possibility of a pattern, here. They seem to harp on word usage moreso than the intuitives I've come across. Arguing/focusing attention on semantics vs. syntax; not seeing the forest for the trees, etc.

    I can understand how one could easily take offense/misinterpret when they're only concentrating on one small segment of the whole. This doesn't seem to correlate with INFJs & other iNtuitives generally being "global learners." I know that, for me, at least, that generalization applies to how I analyze the world around me. I need the whole picture to process and interpret overall meaning. At least, that's what I'm most comfortable with.

    However, Sensors are generally most comfortable learning sequentially, more linear, thus bringing more analytical focus to clear, concrete details (like word usage or specific behaviors during specific instances), as opposed to seeking patterns within the chaos like iNtuitives.

    Not that Sensors are incapable of intuiting, it's just not their natural preference for taking in data. And vice versa.. like I said, it's all a general spectrum. And based on the overall picture you've offered, along with my own interactions with them, she seems more ISFJ to me than INFJ...

    Having to rebuild everytime you hang out, unlike your interaction with your INTJ friend, denotes a kind of linear processing of interacting, I think. Intuitives are ok with the mental fireworks. It may take awhile for an INFJ to get to know/trust you, but once you have that, you're in. You don't have to go back over familiarizing yourselves with the details just because of things like time and distance. You get the big picture, and that's all that counts.

    If she is an ISFJ, then it seems like an INTP would be at a significant disadvantage when it comes to fluid communication. Ultimately I suppose it would come down to whether or not you have the patience & will to work toward overcoming these mental language barriers.. and if she's willing to acknowledge them and do so, as well.

    Otherwise it doesn't sound like either of you benefit much, overall, from a friendship. It's about connection; not simply appreciation of differences, but learning from them and grasping new concepts. This applies to every type, but that kinda goes without saying, I figure.
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  8. #18
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    Well, if you haven't already talked about it w/ her, maybe just explain some of this to her, to make it clear it wasn't personal, that you hadn't planned on introducing your sibling or getting together with any of your other friends -- that it all just happened spontaneously. I would think she'd understand that!
    Will do, except I'll hate every rotten moment of it. Then I'll have to somehow purge myself of the sentimentality afterwards (it makes me cringe to think about it).
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  9. #19
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    Will do, except I'll hate every rotten moment of it. Then I'll have to somehow purge myself of the sentimentality afterwards (it makes me cringe to think about it).


    I can't personally relate to it, as I don't think I'm one to get as easily offended/hurt, but yes. If she's obviously hurt about it, explain it. Doesn't even have to be a huge drawn-out conversation. Just..'Hey, I'm sorry about last week, that you weren't able to meet my sibling. It totally wasn't planned - I wasn't even planning or wanting to introduce him to anyone...we just bumped into my other friend and got some food. If he comes back to town again, I'll be sure to introduce you guys." The end.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  10. #20
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Perfect.

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