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  1. #1
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    Default How do you know if ENFJs want to be friends?

    If ENFJ's are friendly to everyone, how do you know if an ENFJ actually wants to be friends?

    I have a really hard time in general telling whether people like me and want to be friends. I'm always worried that I'm missing signals that they don't like me, and I worry that I'm coming off as needy and desperate and that I'll be embarrassing myself if I try to make friends when I'm not getting clear signals.

    I've been having a particularly hard time of this with a co-worker and acquaintance/casual friend of mine who I'm pretty sure is an ENFJ. He's a great guy and I'd really like to be friends with him. But I don't know what the heck to think about what he thinks of me! He's so warm and friendly with me that sometimes I'm sure he must like me and be interested in being friends. But then I make some overtures (inviting him to do something) and he says he can't, and then he doesn't reach out to me to invite me anywhere in return, and although he is pretty busy that makes me wonder if he does like me or if he's just being a nice guy and I'm reading too much into it. He's generally really nice and friendly to everybody, so I could totally be misinterpreting him-- maybe he's definitely not interested in being friends (or maybe he's kind of neutral but if I keep pushing and seeming needy it'll turn him off to that ever happening.) But on the other hand, if we could be friends but he's just not going to go out of his way to get it started, then I don't want to miss out on that. (Or maybe he would want to be friends but thinks I'm interested in him romantically and is trying to avoid that? He's married and I'm in a long-term relationship, but he's mentioned things like 'Your boyfriend should come down to our work happy hours so we can meet him' a couple times and I wonder if that comes from him thinking I'm interested?)

    So-- in your experience, how do you know if ENFJs want to be friends? Are they/you obvious about not wanting to be friends with someone, or do they/you try to let the person down easy and still act friendly and polite? Are they/you particularly put-off by clingy people who keep inviting them to do things, or are they/you more likely to be flattered? Have you ever had an experience where an ENFJ gets pursued for a friendship in a one-sided way but ultimately becomes real friends with the person? How the heck do I figure out what to do next?

  2. #2
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Hmm. I have to wonder if he's saying 'no' to doing things with you strictly because he's married. If he's asked you to come to the next office party with your man in tow, I think that shows he wants to be friends.
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  3. #3
    o edward cullen! Ardea's Avatar
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    1. Calm down. You said so yourself, he's super friendly to everyone.
    2. Treat it as what you want it to be. Even if you don't understand him, he'll understand you.

  4. #4
    See Right Through Me Bubbles's Avatar
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    One of my best friends is an ENFJ. He has so many friends and acquantainces that I can see why you'd find yourself wondering if the ENTJ you know genuinely likes you or not! Here's what I gather:

    ENTJs are pretty easygoing about first impressions. If you do anything awkward or weird, they'll laugh at it instead of label you as "needy" and "clingy." Disliking someone comes more from their actions (the things that bother them would bother any type: lying, belittling people, bragging) than from their personality. My closest ENTJ friend is, admittedly, nice even to people he dislikes, but I can tell you he would not ask to hang out with the boyfriend/girlfirend of someone he didn't like. He'll tolerate that sort of outing only when other friends are tagging along.

    Also, ENTJs are busy. They get asked to do all sorts of nonsense. I live only ten minutes away from my friend, and we still have trouble meeting up because he gets asked to do so many things! It's a rare day when he calls me saying we can get together, haha.

    Hope my experience with ENTJs helps!
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  5. #5
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Take an ENFJ being nice to you at face value because that's the default.

    Pink brings up a good point about him being married and probably not wanting to give the wrong impression. This is very likely an important factor.

    I'd say that if he's not being more assertive about being more meaningful friends with you, then just leave it at the casual workplace friendship and happy hours.

    ETA: Why do you want to be friends with him so much?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    ETA: Why do you want to be friends with him so much?
    That's a good question. Partially because I don't have any good friends who live in my city right now except my boyfriend, and I very badly want more good friends here, period. But I have a hard time making friends, so anytime anyone seems like a real possibility, I get a little over-enthusiastic and excited and probably a little too fixated on them.

    As far as him specifically? Partially because I really like and admire him as a person and enjoy being around him. Partially because I think we'd be really good and compatible friends-- we share a lot of interests and values. Partially because it feels to me like we really connect well already, that we're well on our way to becoming friends (although, like I said, that might just be his personality and not anything to do with me/us.)

    If it's not gonna happen, I'll be disappointed but it'll be okay. But I can really see us being great friends and I do want to do whatever I can to make that most likely before giving up on it if necessary. Does that make sense, or do you think I'm focusing too much on him specifically?

  7. #7
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyINFP View Post
    That's a good question. Partially because I don't have any good friends who live in my city right now except my boyfriend, and I very badly want more good friends here, period. But I have a hard time making friends, so anytime anyone seems like a real possibility, I get a little over-enthusiastic and excited and probably a little too fixated on them.

    As far as him specifically? Partially because I really like and admire him as a person and enjoy being around him. Partially because I think we'd be really good and compatible friends-- we share a lot of interests and values. Partially because it feels to me like we really connect well already, that we're well on our way to becoming friends (although, like I said, that might just be his personality and not anything to do with me/us.)

    If it's not gonna happen, I'll be disappointed but it'll be okay. But I can really see us being great friends and I do want to do whatever I can to make that most likely before giving up on it if necessary. Does that make sense, or do you think I'm focusing too much on him specifically?
    Well, I don't know if you're focusing him too hard on him specifically. You said yourself you're in a new city and really wanting to make new friends so you're probably excited that you've met someone who seems like they could become a friend. Maybe you could go to Professionals in the City (I think that's in all major cities?) or Meetup.com or your particular interests in case this doesn't pan out?

    If you want to stick your feelers out there I'd try initiating something via non-work email (less pressure, more casual) with you and your boyfriend and him and his wife. That'll probably help with the whole SO situation. You can tell him why a little bit ("I'm new to the city and you've made me feel very welcome...maybe you and your wife would like to catch a movie with my boyfriend and I...") and I would say the play would be give a date and see if he agrees or starts rescheduling. You could also see if he wants to have lunch. Space these out so it doesn't feel like an onslaught. Annnddd, I just thought of one more thing. If you're a direct coworker he may want to keep your relationship friendly, but professional so watch for that as well.

    Personally, I know what it feels like to see someone hone in on me in that way and I don't mind it mostly. When I want to become more than casual friends with someone I usually make about three or so attempts and if they don't reciprocate I back off.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  8. #8
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Humm maybe you can ask him if you guys would like to go out and have like a group dinner or do something together (you, your BF + him and his wife). I think that this could prevent the whole "romantic" vibe idea that he might have and simply show him that you just want to be friends.
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  9. #9
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    I am really friendly to everyone I meet at first, too. But, if I want to be friends with you, I'll make a suggestion to do something more intimate-- a phone call, lunch, dinner, time to talk, etc. Or, in social occasions, I'll seek you out to talk to you. Even though ENFJs are nice to everyone and act like they are revealing themselves to the whole world, we only get truly personal with a few over time. If you start to notice him getting vulnerable and being very genuine, it's a good sign. But since he's married and the opposite sex, this may never happen in the context of your relationship.

  10. #10
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    As mentioned before being married probably plays a big role.

    Beyond that though healthy ENFJs will almost always give off a positive vibe to everyone they meet. Personally, from past experiences, it is hard for me to actually make the next step from casual friendship to becoming actual good friends.

    If you have already made overtures about something more than a simple workplace friendship and he hasn't responded it likely means that he doesn't want to expand past your current point.

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