[INFJ] Hello INFJs, I was just wondering...

[Zrenn]

Kay' so, say you like this person and this person has told you many times to give up and that it wouldn't work. And let's just say you still, regardless, like this person...for many many years...

So how can this person approach you and somehow maintain friendship but not get you any deeper in the infatuation/crush/whatever than you already are? How would you prefer to be approached? And how can this person help you let go?

And hello also to any of the other types too :hi:

 

[Costrin]

My advice: just give up. If the other person doesn't like you, then just move on and don't try and force it, it wont work. Being around the person will only prolong the attraction, and it'll just hurt you more and waste more of your time. Stop being around the person (assuming you can), stop thinking of the person, focus on other things. If you catch your thoughts drifting back to the person, then quickly try and think about something else. Do this enough times, have some persistence, and it'll slowly go away and you'll be free again.

 

[Zrenn]

In all honesty, I believe that's an excellent advice! And one that I would definitely do. But I'm not the person doing the liking...

I was actually wondering what would the INFJs would do if they were in that position--the person liking, who won't move on, won't stop being around the person they like, won't stop thinking about that person. My question was how can that person, the one that the INFJ hypothetically likes, help stop the attraction in the least painful way possible and still remain friends if possible.

Sorry if my first post is extremely weird and confusing

 

[Costrin]

In all honesty, I believe that's an excellent advice! And one that I would definitely do. But I'm not the person doing the liking...

I was actually wondering what would the INFJs would do if they were in that position--the person liking, who won't move on, won't stop being around the person they like, won't stop thinking about that person. My question was how can that person, the one that the INFJ hypothetically likes, help stop the attraction in the least painful way possible and still remain friends if possible.

Well I'm a cynical bastard, so I say don't get your hopes up that that will be possible. The other person could help by distancing themselves from the them. I think no matter what, the person needs the time to let the attraction wane and dissolve, then after that's happened (and that can be hard to determine), then you could maybe continue being friends. Of course, then you have to be careful of relapses, and overall it may just be easier to break contact in a more permanent manner.

Not to intrude upon your thread or anything when you asked for INFJs, but I couldn't resist.

 

[MrME]

Why are you so worried about hurting this person's feelings?

 

[Von Mittendorf]

the OP's an IxFP, of course she doesn't want to hurt the INFJ's feelings, and that is a noble goal. Possibly a futile one, but noble nonetheless. If you (I'm just gonna tell you what to do, if you're not the liked one, but are in fact doing this on behalf of a friend or whatever, just consider it directed at them) want to get really crafty you could try running a distraction, finding someone you think they might be attracted to and siccing them on this INFJ, so they've got someone else to obsess over. That plan has an extremely high chance of failing and/or blowing up, though. So don't do that unless you're positive it will work.

Other than that... yeah, as Costrin said. Distance is probably your best bet. Although this does have a chance of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" syndrome, where the limited interaction will cause them to obsess more and inject those infrequent meetings with even more significance.

I you want a more direct, more likely to work method that will probably hurt their feelings, is to just up and say "This isn't going to happen, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. And if you don't accept that we really can't hang out, it's just gonna be awkward." However, I have found that even THAT can fail, especially if the INFJ likes to drink.

My friend's been chased off and on for nigh on a year now by an INFJ with a similar tendency. We still haven't been able to shake her. So good luck.

 

[Zrenn]

@Costrin: He did try to distance himself from me after I suggested it. I told him to contact me when he thought it was okay…then he messaged me 2 days later. One of our mutual friends told me that he was complaining at how much it hurt more when he didn’t talk to me… I probably should have been more persistent…But now I’m trying to get other options (although so far, there doesn't seem to be much).

Intrude more, please. Your reply made me happy…and laugh. Hehehe. Don’t ask why, it just did. Thank ye kindly, my good sir.

@MrME: He’s my friend and plus another friend of mine kept telling me to stop hurting him (I also tried being mean to get him to stop liking me…but it had an opposite effect!) and now I’m lost.

@Von Mittendorf: Thanks for the response and well…there was this one other person that the INFJ found…and it seemed to be doing well until that other person was feeling incredibly moody, avoided the INFJ…and he got sad and moved on…back to me. The other person tried to make contact again, but he simply wants to stay friends with her.

And the dude said he wasn’t chasing me anymore…but he still likes me. *whines*

edit: Ugh. I guess I'm just being selfish and stubborn for wanting to keep him as a friend...
But i'm still hoping for other alternatives!

 

[sade]

Kay' so, say you like this person and this person has told you many times to give up and that it wouldn't work. And let's just say you still, regardless, like this person...for many many years...

So how can this person approach you and somehow maintain friendship but not get you any deeper in the infatuation/crush/whatever than you already are? How would you prefer to be approached? And how can this person help you let go?

And hello also to any of the other types too :hi:

Let's see. Since the message isn't getting to this person.. Do a doorslam.

And I am saying that seriously. Distance is good, and enough of time will most likely kill atleast some emotions. Thta since even properly confronting hasn't worked. I'm a bit interested if there'd been a true, blunt, "Look, I'm not interested." used. Direct approach wouldn't be bad either.

 

[Costrin]

@Costrin: He did try to distance himself from me after I suggested it. I told him to contact me when he thought it was okay…then he messaged me 2 days later. One of our mutual friends told me that he was complaining at how much it hurt more when he didn’t talk to me… I probably should have been more persistent…But now I’m trying to get other options (although so far, there doesn't seem to be much).

Intrude more, please. Your reply made me happy…and laugh. Hehehe. Don’t ask why, it just did. Thank ye kindly, my good sir.

Yeah 2 days is nowhere near enough time. It can take months at best.

@MrME: He’s my friend and plus another friend of mine kept telling me to stop hurting him (I also tried being mean to get him to stop liking me…but it had an opposite effect!) and now I’m lost.

You probably suck at being mean.

 

[Zrenn]

@Sade: I'm hesitant to do a doorslam, not only because it'll hurt him, but because three other people would be affected. Not only he complained about my couple days of avoidance, but my other friends complained about it along with the tense atmosphere when we were in the same vicinity. And it doesn't help that we're all best buddy buddies.

I've told him, "Give up on me. It won't work," "please give up on me, I can't see you like that," and "it won't work," in the span of...two years.

@Costrin: Well, i'm sorry! Gosh! How about master costrin teach this young grasshopper how being mean is done? Without feeling bad?

 

[Costrin]

@Costrin: Well, i'm sorry! Gosh! How about master costrin teach this young grasshopper how being mean is done? Without feeling bad?

No.

 

[Zrenn]

That was quick.

But it must be because you can't! MUAHA!

 

[Costrin]

That was quick.

But it must be because you can't! MUAHA!

One cannot teach a pupil who cannot learn.

 

[Zrenn]

...touché.

 

[invaderzim]

Lol this whole thread reminded me of Family Matters.

Bottom line: his Ni is locked on you. in other words he's obsessed. OCD. he's going to have to get locked on to someone or something else if you want to keep him as a friend. So i'd recommend ALOT of time and space.

 

[violaine]

@Sade: I'm hesitant to do a doorslam, not only because it'll hurt him, but because three other people would be affected. Not only he complained about my couple days of avoidance, but my other friends complained about it along with the tense atmosphere when we were in the same vicinity. And it doesn't help that we're all best buddy buddies.

I've told him, "Give up on me. It won't work," "please give up on me, I can't see you like that," and "it won't work," in the span of...two years...

I know it may hurt to hurt him by being forceful, but this is worse for him. Have you said, "I don't like you", unsmilingly? "Give up on me, it won't work" is not enough... that's like daring an INFJ to care.

Also, can I ask have you dated anyone else yourself? That would work for me. He needs the final nail in the coffin so to speak, i.e. no hope. INFJs can live on hope for a long time. I would be consistent in showing no interest in him and I would put some distance between us too.

 

[BlackCat]

I have been through this as well. I had to slowly ween myself from the person (this was love though). It eventually got to where we would talk less and less every day, then every other day, then every 2 days... up until it became once a week just to check in on the other. It's depressing but it works. I still think about her sometimes but I think it's safe to say the feelings got buried and don't bother me anymore. I recently spoke to her for the first time in about a month and a half two days ago (she is busy with college). I still feel the feelings that were there, but not as violently as I did. I am trying to find someone to replace her in my life, which is leading to be unsuccessful, but I will continue searching! My reason for not talking to her was that she had to move about 600 miles away, and that was the only solution.

I know this was different from your situation, but you get the idea. The only choice you have is to stop communication until your feelings are neutralized.

 

[Amargith]

I've been in this situation with an INTP. It lasted three years and as with you, my group of friends which we were both part of, was driven mental, as was my SO. He was my best friend and I didn't have the heart to break his. I repeatedly told him that although he meant a lot to me, I was already taken and wasn't about to leave my SO for anyone. It didn't matter. I also offered to do the doorslam thing...but he couldn't bear the thought plus it would impact our group of friends significantly. Eventually, he decided to leave the group and focus on other activities in his life and stay away. I lost my best friend. We're all still hoping he'll come back though. Unfortunately Costrin is right...the only cure for it seems to be distance. And even now, after two years of him leaving...when I see him, we share a look and there's tension between us.

Good luck on this, it's a difficult situation. Don't let your friends guilttrip you. This is not your fault, nor is it his and anyone of them would not know how to handle this correctly. Someone's bound to get hurt. And it will probably be more than one in fact. There's no avoiding that, unfortunately.

 

[Zrenn]

@invaderzim: Awesome picture, haha!

@sanveane: I’ve said “I can’t like you,” without a smile. Does that count? And I have not dated anyone else. I’m still a bit immature, I’m afraid Plus I’m painfully shy…

@Blackcat: Thank you for sharing your story.
He called it “love” too…

@Amargith: Thank you for sharing your story as well.

So basically there’s no other way around this
I see, I see...
Well, thank you very much for all of your responses I will remember them!

Btw, everytime I see this thread, I see Costrin's avatar and it makes me want to feed her a burger or something. i just had to get that out.

 

[nightning]

The only thing you can do is firmly emphasize that you're only interested in friendship... still in this case I doubt the INFJ will change his/her feelings. It's almost as if you cannot. The best you can do is redirect that feeling into something else. Hopefully time and meeting another person will dilute this.

Fe is a bitch huh?