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  1. #1
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    Default INFPs in relationships

    One of the things I have read about NFPs is that when they lack focus, they have a hard time maintaining long term relationships because they are always fantasizing about greener pastures.

    I have a great husband, whom I think is and ENFJ (maybe); I have no desire to leave our life together. However, I am constantly considering what it would be like if my life were different and I have on many occassions made bad judgement calls that, if it weren't for such a great husband, would have ruined my marriage.

    I recognize my lack of focus. I typically make these bad judgement calls when I don't have a "project" going that is keeping me occupied. But I can't seem to control/maintain a constant level of focus.

    That being said, is the fact that I need focus to keep from doing things I shouldn't mean that I am using these things as a distraction from a bigger problem?

    Does anyone else struggle with similar relationship issues?

  2. #2
    Feelin' FiNe speculative's Avatar
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    I think it would help us if you gave us a better understanding of what you mean by focus. Do you mean living in the present vs. living in the past/future? Or, do you mean appreciating what you have vs. desiring what you don't have? Also, are you an Enneagram type 4? I find that the desire for what is missing is more of a 4 thing than an INFP thing, yet there is often a connection between INFPs and type 4s...

    P.S. - welcome to the forum.
    "How can I be, all I want to be,
    When all I want to do is strip away these stilled constraints
    And crush this charade, shred this sad, masquerade"
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGeq5v7L3WM

  3. #3
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    i don't know what an enneagram is. As far as the focus things goes, I don't have an answer for that. The website description said just that "INFPs who lack focus may find themselves always looking for greener pastures and may have a hard time maintaining a monogamous relationship"

    I have noticed that alot of things in my life are better when I am immersed on some sort of project. Coincidentally, when I am immersed in a project, I also neglect many things in my life.

  4. #4
    Buddhist Misanthrope Samvega's Avatar
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    I have on many occassions made bad judgement calls that, if it weren't for such a great husband, would have ruined my marriage.

    I recognize my lack of focus. I typically make these bad judgement calls when I don't have a "project" going that is keeping me occupied. But I can't seem to control/maintain a constant level of focus.

    That being said, is the fact that I need focus to keep from doing things I shouldn't mean that I am using these things as a distraction from a bigger problem?
    I'm going to be upfront and start by saying if you're implying what I think you are, this is the most bothersome post I have read on MBTIc so far. So as not to make a huge leap, why don't you be clear about the meaning of "bad judgement" calls so as not to 1) cause confusion and 2) look too weak to even say what you did.

    Relationships aren't always easy, sometimes people get into them before having the tools they need to maintain them. At that point, you're one of two types, the selfish type that will make others suffer for your choices or the other type. I don't think this comes down to a lack of focus, I think this comes down to a lack of self control, good decision making, maturity, self respect and a long list not including self control. I also think it comes down to having enough respect for others namely the person you've made a commitment to, to bow out gracefully in an effort to minimize damage if in fact you have made the wrong/a bad choice.

    As for having a "great husband", well "great" is not the adjective I would use. In the situation you described applying the assumed meaning (based on context) to your use of "bad judgement" . I would leave him for not having enough respect for himself. There is NO WAY I would choose or stay with a partner that allowed themselves to be victim to my repeated use of "bad judgement" as a repeat of that behavior shows nothing but a total lack of respect and remorse, commitment, loyalty and the list goes on!

  5. #5
    Member Hazle Weatherfield's Avatar
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    Hi there!

    I'd really like to respond to this thread in full, but will have to wait until later tonight, possibly tomorrow for all the things I'd like to say. Maybe I'll just end up sending you a longer private message later. For one thing, I think TucsonENTP is not understanding the bigger picture of NFPs' "lack of focus" as well as the many different takes on relationships that are out there. I think I may have some good insight to your topic, having also made what I thought were "bad judgments" in the past, why I feel they happened the way they did, and the ways in which I try to avoid any deceptive actions from occurring again. The "bad judgments" can be turned into healthy acknowledgments if honesty is present in all of your relationships. I hope to get back to this soon.

  6. #6
    Buddhist Misanthrope Samvega's Avatar
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    Honestly, this thread is just going to piss me off so I'm going to avoid it from here on out. If you have personal issues that need to be resolved, work them out on your clock not at the expense of others. I do not know of a single INFP (I know at least 4 in real life) that doesn't come of bizarre, unbalanced and selfish when it comes to emotions. I have a strong bias against them in all reality and I would truly label you as emotional vampires! You are clearly a type that leads Fi and and I see that as the worst possible dominant function. In fact, if I could kick any of the iNtuitives out of the NF/NT fort it would be the INFP as you seem far more S like to me.

    At surface level you're all fine but you crumble like a house of cards when pushed emotionally. Topped with this strong need to feel in charge or respected I would compare you to balloons, big shadows but easily popped. I would NEVER trust you to do the right thing in a situation where you had to pick between you and somebody else emotionally.

    I'm painting with an overly broad brush but look at how this thread reads. You have the OP that isn't even in touch enough with their actions to say what they were yet they still wants advice. We have another saying she's done the same thing and she'll respond in private instead of fessing up in a fashion that may help others provided this is a legitimate INFP issue as opposed to a character flaw. I mean, am I even need here to make this point?

    As an FYI, I've never been cheated on by an INFP, never been done wrong by one or manipulated. I have found them to be even delightful in many ways but they all seem to have a common issue that goes against me on a core level.

    As for lacking focus, LOL, you're kidding right! You're talking to an ENTP!

    the many different takes on relationships that are out there.
    No I'm well aware, you should just be upfront when you start them. Like say Hi, I'm an INFP, I lack focus, in an effort to avoid working on myself I will often times have no control over my actions resulting in using "bad judgement", I won't learn from this so I'll repeat the mistake many times, thank you for your understanding enjoy the ride.

    *I will add here that maybe the four INFPs I've known have all be unhealthy, maybe the OP is, maybe there is something I'm missing. Maybe INFPs are prone to something, I don't know. So if you're a healthy INFP that can relate to this thread yet is self aware enough to limit the damage to yourself I would be sorry I offended you if I had any Fe.

  7. #7
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Eh, Unhealthy INFP, he's a pretty cool guy, emotionally unstable/unreliable and doesn't afraid of anything.

    All memes aside, what Tucson said above is a great example of an unhealthy INFP. Remember, you are supposed to stay away from an unhealthy anything.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Juggling69Tigers View Post
    I have a great husband, whom I think is and ENFJ (maybe); I have no desire to leave our life together. However, I am constantly considering what it would be like if my life were different ...
    I try to have a sense of humor about this in myself. It's my vanity, my grandiosity coming out, my shadow that I don't like to see.

    When I get feelings like this I daydream or read about someone else who lives a different life or I channel the feelings into something creative and the feelings pass. They're just fleeting fancies, not to be taken seriously or applied to any real life decision. I am at the helm not my imagination.

    I wouldn't have been able to graduate college if I didn't gain control over the "what if" thing regarding changing majors. Every time I turned around I was day dreaming about changing my major, but I didn't truly want to change it---it's just imagination playing about with possibility as a past time, not to be taken too seriously.

    For one thing, I think TucsonENTP is not understanding the bigger picture of NFPs' "lack of focus" as well as the many different takes on relationships that are out there.
    It's all fine and good to point out different takes on relationships---as long as the people in the relationship KNOW in advance there's going to be a "different take" taken in that particular relationship!

    I think this quote particularly helpful:

    "So long as the ego feels subordinate to the unconscious subject, and the feeling is aware of something higher and mightier than the ego, the type (Fi) is normal. Although the thinking type is archaic, its reductive tendencies help to compensate the occasional fits of trying to exalt the ego of the subject." P. 249-50, The Portable Jung.

    In other words, the Fi type needs a higher calling or purpose to believe in else they become ego based and live lives of ego based tail chasing, meanwhile hurting a lot of people around them in the process---and eventually themselves once they destroyed everything of real meaning. And we live in a society that encourages ego glorification as virtue so seems the modern Fi must tread carefully to maintain perspective.

  9. #9
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TucsonENTP View Post
    I do not know of a single INFP (I know at least 4 in real life) that doesn't come of bizarre, unbalanced and selfish when it comes to emotions. I have a strong bias against them in all reality and I would truly label you as emotional vampires! You are clearly a type that leads Fi and and I see that as the worst possible dominant function. In fact, if I could kick any of the iNtuitives out of the NF/NT fort it would be the INFP as you seem far more S like to me.
    You are way out of line and I will call you on that. Not only do you offend the sensibilities of decent people with your rant, you use MBTI in the worst possible way - as a paintbrush for the canvas of your bigotry.

    Quote Originally Posted by TucsonENTP View Post
    At surface level you're all fine but you crumble like a house of cards when pushed emotionally. ... I would NEVER trust you to do the right thing in a situation where you had to pick between you and somebody else emotionally.
    You don't know anything about this person, about their life, about their situation. How can you presume to make such judgements? You don't even know if they have typed themselves accurately within MBTI. How can you even be sure YOU truly know any INFP's in your life? Did you administer their tests yourself?

    Quote Originally Posted by TucsonENTP View Post
    ...but they all seem to have a common issue that goes against me on a core level.
    It looks to me like you are the one with "issues".

    Quote Originally Posted by TucsonENTP View Post
    So if you're a healthy INFP that can relate to this thread yet is self aware enough to limit the damage to yourself I would be sorry I offended you if I had any Fe.
    Please do refrain from revisiting this thread; the rest of us will revel in your absence. Your trolling is unwelcome.

  10. #10
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Peacebaby pretty much said what I wanted to say. I was going to post, but eh. You did it for me. *highfive*
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

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