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[MBTI General] coping with being a "single" NFP

Stanton Moore

morose bourgeoisie
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
3,900
MBTI Type
INFP
I think I'm probably destined for singlehood. I've never dated or had a relationship with anyone I was very attracted to, and at this point, I doubt that's gonna change. No one I'm attracted to wants a defective man-child.
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I think I'm probably destined for singlehood.

If there's an attitude to have when seeking a relationship, it's definitely this one. [/sarcasm]

You're gonna have to go out of your comfort zone to get women. Why didn't you date or get a relationship with someone you were attracted to? Was something holding you back that was out of your control? Or were you just being a wuss?

Also another thing to know is people aren't attracted to low self esteem either.
 

Bubbles

See Right Through Me
Joined
Mar 13, 2009
Messages
1,037
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w3
Also another thing to know is people aren't attracted to low self esteem either.
This is true. It's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves, you know? You have to do all the work for them, and it's unfair to the supportive person in the relationship. Frankly, it's draining. So perk up! Chin held high! "I'm sexy and I know it and someone someday will know it, too!" Say it with me. ;)

I am not unhappy about being single but I would not mind finding someone that I fit with. And that is something I find very hard as I tend to have quite high expectations.
My thoughts exactly. And I hear you about the getting-over-lost-love thing--that's not easy to let go of. Nope. Especially when it's your own fault, which is something I also can agree with. (Losing opportunities SUCKS.) However, if you can have distance and do what you love, it's much easier. Take it day by day, and you regret less and less. It does get easier, I swear. And you sound like you're coming to terms with it healthily, in my opinion. :D
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
No one I'm attracted to wants a defective man-child.

Awww! Love, love, love. You will be wanted. You have to be!! I believe you will have it. I mean, we all go through phases of not thinking we will have our person, especially when that hasn't been the case... but I have hope! At least, for YOU, I do. Maybe not for myself... funny how that works.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
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ENFP
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784
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sx/sp
Awww! Love, love, love. You will be wanted. You have to be!! I believe you will have it. I mean, we all go through phases of not thinking we will have our person, especially when that hasn't been the case... but I have hope! At least, for YOU, I do. Maybe not for myself... funny how that works.

:hug::hug::hug::hug: excuse me...it had to be done.
 

Stanton Moore

morose bourgeoisie
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
3,900
MBTI Type
INFP
Awww! Love, love, love. You will be wanted. You have to be!! I believe you will have it. I mean, we all go through phases of not thinking we will have our person, especially when that hasn't been the case... but I have hope! At least, for YOU, I do. Maybe not for myself... funny how that works.

Thanks.
Ocassionally I fall back into some old and very negative thought loops that paralyze me temporarily. Then I remember that I really have it pretty good.

The paroxysm of self doubt...passed
 

Serendipity

the Dark Prophet of Kualu
Joined
Mar 24, 2009
Messages
852
MBTI Type
RAD
Acutally, even after a atomic winter for 3 years, the sun has somehow broken through the clouds to shine upon me again.

For all other readers(I have a aspie-friend who TOTALLY complains every time I'm not literal, so here comes the literal part); I have found myself in the early stages of a crush again. And this time I won't let myself be distracted by me.. As much. I still move very slowly though. :/
 

The Third Rider

New member
Joined
Sep 12, 2007
Messages
763
MBTI Type
ENFj
Acutally, even after a atomic winter for 3 years, the sun has somehow broken through the clouds to shine upon me again.

For all other readers(I have a aspie-friend who TOTALLY complains every time I'm not literal, so here comes the literal part); I have found myself in the early stages of a crush again. And this time I won't let myself be distracted by me.. As much. I still move very slowly though. :/


Baby step, remember bady steps. You will be pimpin in no time.:D
 

Bubbles

See Right Through Me
Joined
Mar 13, 2009
Messages
1,037
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w3
Thanks.
Ocassionally I fall back into some old and very negative thought loops that paralyze me temporarily. Then I remember that I really have it pretty good.

The paroxysm of self doubt...passed

:hug: Good for you!! You have nothing to doubt about; we xNFPs are our own worst critics. We all get in our ruts, but as long as we climb out of 'em, we'll do just fine. ;)

For all other readers(I have a aspie-friend who TOTALLY complains every time I'm not literal, so here comes the literal part); I have found myself in the early stages of a crush again. And this time I won't let myself be distracted by me.. As much. I still move very slowly though. :/

Actually, I think that's kind of cute, for someone to want to take things slow. Almost refreshing. Everyone I know always rushes in, and just as quickly rushes out. Hope it goes well! :D
 

Lacey

New member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
392
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INFP
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6w5
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sp/sx
This is a subject that confuses me to no end. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, unfortunately.

I really believe that there is one person for me (or none at all, if I'm not meant to get married). Heh, but it's not like I've ever had to turn anyone down either.

I go to a Christian school, so there's this "ring by spring" joke, because tons of people suddenly get engaged before they graduate. It's like you can't leave college without a fiance/fiancee. And it just boggles my mind how people my age are getting married, and I've never had anything. You can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being held back from "the one" because there's some terrible flaw in me that I have to fix first, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what it is.

Some days I'm okay, really, but other days the loneliness is so bad I physically feel like my chest is caving in.
 

Gengar

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2009
Messages
71
MBTI Type
INFP
I normally act all arrogant all cool unless I see someone who won't mistreat my INFP nature. That person is likely to be the one.
 

Synapse

New member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
3,359
MBTI Type
INFP
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4
A lot of it comes from how secure and satisfied as a person I am. The longer being single, in particular the male aspect goes, female too, without love and intimacy or relationship quality that grounds them to a sense of fulfillment and purpose the further the insecurity goes drawn from the surrounding observations and influences. What confidence there is turns into under confidence, poor esteem and self worth set adrift in a solitary wash.

Confidence is certainly something most desirable yet to rebuild that confidence in the absence of being loved is hard I think. And the double edge is, the work rate to get back up to speed is all the more harder to navigate. To get back to good health and security in the self first by repairing the damage and self belief that you are good enough to be loved. Now stop pushing away and self sabotaging and start living is harder to do. The journey is how willing is anyone to reconstruct the very essence to stabilize the motor flux, the vortex of doom that has, the fear factory that paralyzes, the inhibitions that only booze could lick and be the quintessence of what you used to be before all the barriers made you the way you are. I'm sure that as children, I know it of me, we were all fearless and boundless in our exploration of the world around us. How great that feeling will be to know it now and translate into the adult world. I'd love it, it'd make life so much easier.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
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7,626
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This is a subject that confuses me to no end. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, unfortunately.

I really believe that there is one person for me (or none at all, if I'm not meant to get married). Heh, but it's not like I've ever had to turn anyone down either.

I go to a Christian school, so there's this "ring by spring" joke, because tons of people suddenly get engaged before they graduate. It's like you can't leave college without a fiance/fiancee. And it just boggles my mind how people my age are getting married, and I've never had anything. You can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with you.

I was raised quite religious and saw the same thing. People tend to marry young - and let's just say it - because they wanted to have sex and were waiting for marriage. Just comfort yourself knowing that the reasons they are marrying and have chosen the person they have are not ones that usually make a solid foundation for a marriage.

When I look back at myself upon finishing college, I know that I was sooo far from ready to get married, and your priorities and standards for a mate change a LOT between 18 and 25 or so. I look around at my church now & see people my age mostly married with children, and the single guys my age dating 20 yr olds. It makes me feel like a spinster sometimes (and I'm not even 30 :p), but I wouldn't trade the refinement I've gone through the past couple years alone to be stuck in a marriage with someone who I liked at 21, but who is terribly wrong for me as a lifelong partner. And I see that in some of those people's faces too....



Sometimes I feel like I'm being held back from "the one" because there's some terrible flaw in me that I have to fix first, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what it is.

Some days I'm okay, really, but other days the loneliness is so bad I physically feel like my chest is caving in.


There's probably nothing direly wrong with you; but us INFPs can be kind of intense & complex and not everyone can handle that. You have to figure that when you meet someone who grasps you, then you'll be able to form a much more meaningful relationship than all those people who rushed to marry upon graduating college to have sex and meet the status quo. Let's both hope so anyway ;)
 

Lacey

New member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
392
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INFP
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6w5
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sp/sx
OrangeAppled, thanks for answering my post and not calling me emo. haha
I was raised quite religious and saw the same thing. People tend to marry young - and let's just say it - because they wanted to have sex and were waiting for marriage.
Ha, yeah, a lot of my friends call it fucking for Jesus.
Just comfort yourself knowing that the reasons they are marrying and have chosen the person they have are not ones that usually make a solid foundation for a marriage.

When I look back at myself upon finishing college, I know that I was sooo far from ready to get married, and your priorities and standards for a mate change a LOT between 18 and 25 or so. I look around at my church now & see people my age mostly married with children, and the single guys my age dating 20 yr olds. It makes me feel like a spinster sometimes (and I'm not even 30 :p), but I wouldn't trade the refinement I've gone through the past couple years alone to be stuck in a marriage with someone who I liked at 21, but who is terribly wrong for me as a lifelong partner. And I see that in some of those people's faces too....
Yeah, I know that I'm not ready, and I don't necessarily want to be married/in a serious relationship, but it still SUCKS to be alone sometimes. And I don't think I could ever get into meaningless, temporary relationships. Where is the middle ground? (I think I don't allow myself any middle ground...)

Also, all the things you listed above are true, and my mom and close friends tell me things like that all the time: "It'll happen when it's supposed to happen", "Enjoy being single", etc. It's all true, but for some reason, it doesn't make me feel any better...
There's probably nothing direly wrong with you; but us INFPs can be kind of intense & complex and not everyone can handle that. You have to figure that when you meet someone who grasps you, then you'll be able to form a much more meaningful relationship than all those people who rushed to marry upon graduating college to have sex and meet the status quo. Let's both hope so anyway ;)
Yeah, fingers crossed. :) I know that if/when it actually happens, I'll probably be happy with how things went...but it's so difficult right now.

I know my own angst is irrational, but I can't do anything about it! :doh:
 

bearette

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
44
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infp
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4
this is really interesting to read, and comforting. At 30, I have never been in a "real", long-term, monogomous relationship. All of the romantic connections I have had have been either fleeting, or long-term "friends with something mixed in" kinds of things, OR (my favorite) the close platonic friendship with a person who doesn't want to date me but kind of acts like they do.

So, having never had the kind of "real", we-are-in-love-with-each-other relationship, I do long for it. Though I have a feeling if I found myself in that situation, I might be bored and frustrated. I do tend to have intense, close friendships, however.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
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6w7
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sx/so
In recent months I've been switching over to a "why should I bother?" mentality. The aches for someone have lessened considerably to the point where it doesn't matter. Those of you who know me best will likely be the only ones who understand where I'm coming from on this. It feels foreign, yet familiar. Like how I coasted through high school with out the drama.
 

speculative

Feelin' FiNe
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
927
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INFP
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4w5
There's probably nothing direly wrong with you; but us INFPs can be kind of intense & complex and not everyone can handle that. You have to figure that when you meet someone who grasps you, then you'll be able to form a much more meaningful relationship than all those people who rushed to marry upon graduating college to have sex and meet the status quo. Let's both hope so anyway ;)

That's a good way of putting it; we're like a dish that just takes longer to cook because of the subtle flavor that must be coaxed out of the ingredients.

The trick is to not go crazy in the meantime until that happens! :D
 

Lacey

New member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
392
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
That's a good way of putting it; we're like a dish that just takes longer to cook because of the subtle flavor that must be coaxed out of the ingredients.

The trick is to not go crazy in the meantime until that happens! :D
I just imagined myself sitting in a crock pot, looking out through the clear top. :D
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
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ISFP
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sx
I am currently single and definitely did the INFP thing of hanging on to a bad relationship way too long. We were passionately in love but fought all the time. He thought I was "too sensitive" and "too serious" and I frequently accused him of being brutal. When I was very young I ALWAYS wanted to be in a relationship and mooned around when I wasn't. I'm in my very early 30's and this is the longest I've been single in my life (about two years, unless you count the on/off again internet connection sometimes with my ex, from whom I moved away to another state). It has been very difficult for me to be single, especially at first, but it really has been good for me to be alone for awhile. It's peaceful and I have space to grow as an individual. I would echo some of the posters here by saying that I'd rather be single than be with the wrong person. It is hard sometimes though.
 
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