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  1. #51
    Senior Member Lacey's Avatar
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    This is a subject that confuses me to no end. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, unfortunately.

    I really believe that there is one person for me (or none at all, if I'm not meant to get married). Heh, but it's not like I've ever had to turn anyone down either.

    I go to a Christian school, so there's this "ring by spring" joke, because tons of people suddenly get engaged before they graduate. It's like you can't leave college without a fiance/fiancee. And it just boggles my mind how people my age are getting married, and I've never had anything. You can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with you.

    Sometimes I feel like I'm being held back from "the one" because there's some terrible flaw in me that I have to fix first, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what it is.

    Some days I'm okay, really, but other days the loneliness is so bad I physically feel like my chest is caving in.

  2. #52
    Member Gengar's Avatar
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    I normally act all arrogant all cool unless I see someone who won't mistreat my INFP nature. That person is likely to be the one.

  3. #53
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    A lot of it comes from how secure and satisfied as a person I am. The longer being single, in particular the male aspect goes, female too, without love and intimacy or relationship quality that grounds them to a sense of fulfillment and purpose the further the insecurity goes drawn from the surrounding observations and influences. What confidence there is turns into under confidence, poor esteem and self worth set adrift in a solitary wash.

    Confidence is certainly something most desirable yet to rebuild that confidence in the absence of being loved is hard I think. And the double edge is, the work rate to get back up to speed is all the more harder to navigate. To get back to good health and security in the self first by repairing the damage and self belief that you are good enough to be loved. Now stop pushing away and self sabotaging and start living is harder to do. The journey is how willing is anyone to reconstruct the very essence to stabilize the motor flux, the vortex of doom that has, the fear factory that paralyzes, the inhibitions that only booze could lick and be the quintessence of what you used to be before all the barriers made you the way you are. I'm sure that as children, I know it of me, we were all fearless and boundless in our exploration of the world around us. How great that feeling will be to know it now and translate into the adult world. I'd love it, it'd make life so much easier.

  4. #54
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lacey View Post
    This is a subject that confuses me to no end. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, unfortunately.

    I really believe that there is one person for me (or none at all, if I'm not meant to get married). Heh, but it's not like I've ever had to turn anyone down either.

    I go to a Christian school, so there's this "ring by spring" joke, because tons of people suddenly get engaged before they graduate. It's like you can't leave college without a fiance/fiancee. And it just boggles my mind how people my age are getting married, and I've never had anything. You can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with you.
    I was raised quite religious and saw the same thing. People tend to marry young - and let's just say it - because they wanted to have sex and were waiting for marriage. Just comfort yourself knowing that the reasons they are marrying and have chosen the person they have are not ones that usually make a solid foundation for a marriage.

    When I look back at myself upon finishing college, I know that I was sooo far from ready to get married, and your priorities and standards for a mate change a LOT between 18 and 25 or so. I look around at my church now & see people my age mostly married with children, and the single guys my age dating 20 yr olds. It makes me feel like a spinster sometimes (and I'm not even 30 :P), but I wouldn't trade the refinement I've gone through the past couple years alone to be stuck in a marriage with someone who I liked at 21, but who is terribly wrong for me as a lifelong partner. And I see that in some of those people's faces too....



    Quote Originally Posted by Lacey View Post
    Sometimes I feel like I'm being held back from "the one" because there's some terrible flaw in me that I have to fix first, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what it is.

    Some days I'm okay, really, but other days the loneliness is so bad I physically feel like my chest is caving in.

    There's probably nothing direly wrong with you; but us INFPs can be kind of intense & complex and not everyone can handle that. You have to figure that when you meet someone who grasps you, then you'll be able to form a much more meaningful relationship than all those people who rushed to marry upon graduating college to have sex and meet the status quo. Let's both hope so anyway
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  5. #55
    Senior Member Lacey's Avatar
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    OrangeAppled, thanks for answering my post and not calling me emo. haha
    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I was raised quite religious and saw the same thing. People tend to marry young - and let's just say it - because they wanted to have sex and were waiting for marriage.
    Ha, yeah, a lot of my friends call it fucking for Jesus.
    Just comfort yourself knowing that the reasons they are marrying and have chosen the person they have are not ones that usually make a solid foundation for a marriage.

    When I look back at myself upon finishing college, I know that I was sooo far from ready to get married, and your priorities and standards for a mate change a LOT between 18 and 25 or so. I look around at my church now & see people my age mostly married with children, and the single guys my age dating 20 yr olds. It makes me feel like a spinster sometimes (and I'm not even 30 :P), but I wouldn't trade the refinement I've gone through the past couple years alone to be stuck in a marriage with someone who I liked at 21, but who is terribly wrong for me as a lifelong partner. And I see that in some of those people's faces too....
    Yeah, I know that I'm not ready, and I don't necessarily want to be married/in a serious relationship, but it still SUCKS to be alone sometimes. And I don't think I could ever get into meaningless, temporary relationships. Where is the middle ground? (I think I don't allow myself any middle ground...)

    Also, all the things you listed above are true, and my mom and close friends tell me things like that all the time: "It'll happen when it's supposed to happen", "Enjoy being single", etc. It's all true, but for some reason, it doesn't make me feel any better...
    There's probably nothing direly wrong with you; but us INFPs can be kind of intense & complex and not everyone can handle that. You have to figure that when you meet someone who grasps you, then you'll be able to form a much more meaningful relationship than all those people who rushed to marry upon graduating college to have sex and meet the status quo. Let's both hope so anyway
    Yeah, fingers crossed. I know that if/when it actually happens, I'll probably be happy with how things went...but it's so difficult right now.

    I know my own angst is irrational, but I can't do anything about it!

  6. #56
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    this is really interesting to read, and comforting. At 30, I have never been in a "real", long-term, monogomous relationship. All of the romantic connections I have had have been either fleeting, or long-term "friends with something mixed in" kinds of things, OR (my favorite) the close platonic friendship with a person who doesn't want to date me but kind of acts like they do.

    So, having never had the kind of "real", we-are-in-love-with-each-other relationship, I do long for it. Though I have a feeling if I found myself in that situation, I might be bored and frustrated. I do tend to have intense, close friendships, however.

  7. #57
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    In recent months I've been switching over to a "why should I bother?" mentality. The aches for someone have lessened considerably to the point where it doesn't matter. Those of you who know me best will likely be the only ones who understand where I'm coming from on this. It feels foreign, yet familiar. Like how I coasted through high school with out the drama.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  8. #58
    Feelin' FiNe speculative's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    There's probably nothing direly wrong with you; but us INFPs can be kind of intense & complex and not everyone can handle that. You have to figure that when you meet someone who grasps you, then you'll be able to form a much more meaningful relationship than all those people who rushed to marry upon graduating college to have sex and meet the status quo. Let's both hope so anyway
    That's a good way of putting it; we're like a dish that just takes longer to cook because of the subtle flavor that must be coaxed out of the ingredients.

    The trick is to not go crazy in the meantime until that happens!
    "How can I be, all I want to be,
    When all I want to do is strip away these stilled constraints
    And crush this charade, shred this sad, masquerade"
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGeq5v7L3WM

  9. #59
    Senior Member Lacey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by speculative View Post
    That's a good way of putting it; we're like a dish that just takes longer to cook because of the subtle flavor that must be coaxed out of the ingredients.

    The trick is to not go crazy in the meantime until that happens!
    I just imagined myself sitting in a crock pot, looking out through the clear top.

  10. #60
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    I am currently single and definitely did the INFP thing of hanging on to a bad relationship way too long. We were passionately in love but fought all the time. He thought I was "too sensitive" and "too serious" and I frequently accused him of being brutal. When I was very young I ALWAYS wanted to be in a relationship and mooned around when I wasn't. I'm in my very early 30's and this is the longest I've been single in my life (about two years, unless you count the on/off again internet connection sometimes with my ex, from whom I moved away to another state). It has been very difficult for me to be single, especially at first, but it really has been good for me to be alone for awhile. It's peaceful and I have space to grow as an individual. I would echo some of the posters here by saying that I'd rather be single than be with the wrong person. It is hard sometimes though.

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