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  1. #31
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I think I've become too comfortable too fast for my age in the mindset of potentially being single the rest of my life.

    Most of the time though, I'm comfortable, and content with myself and who I am. I'm the sort who thinks people are destined for SOMETHING, but that not everyone is destined for love. I'm still trying to figure out if I am one of those people or not.
    Wow.

    Is this an ENFP thing??

    Because your sentiments are exactly how I used to feel for a long time and still shake off the remnants of - "I am not destined for love". For whatever reason, that was my love script even before puberty. Tragic love, harlequin romance, platonic love - it was these things that I felt intuitively were mine - not lasting, romantic relationships.

    Boo.

    I even took one of those pop psychology tests and it said my love script was about feeling like I can't reach love because my morals, principles, values or what have you will get in the way.

    And it was true!

    I had opportunities and people interested in me, but I would always turn them down or back away or turn it into friendship because I wanted to be a "good" person.

    Example 1 : I didn't want to date a girl I was intensely attracted to who was making it pretty clear she was into me. Why? Because she had hooked up with my polyamorous friend who didn't take rejection well. And my friend by that time had a serious boyfriend! And in retrospect, my friend would have NEVER returned the favor or been as considerate of my feelings.

    Example 2: My first year of college I was a host for high school senior orientation week. One of the women I met (who I hadn't hosted but I had met) enrolled in my college and I could tell she had a crush on me. I thought she was cute but I didn't act on anything. It seemed "wrong" to me to start dating given how we had met. Even though I had never officially been a mentor to her and even though people hook up and date their RA's (resident advisors) and other upperclass officers all the time.

    I still see the reasoning for why I turned down these possibilities but I also know that my REAL problem was that I didn't prioritize myself. You must prioritize yourself and what you want when it comes to love situations or it will never happen.

    My key issues:

    1) Not visualizing myself in love and happy. I never gave myself or my life permission to put me in a relationship or dating situation. At all. At some deep level I was scared of it, I did not feel deserving, I did not think it would happen to me. You manifest what you believe.

    2) If you want an excuse not to do something, you will ALWAYS find it.

    Kyueei, I don't know what your story is and I know this sounds really cheesy, but I just want to say - you are destined for love! Everyone is. It makes me sad to think this is a fundamental truth - "I am not destined for love" - that you deal with because I know exactly how that feels like. I know everyone is different, but for myself, I finallly decided that I WANT to be happy and I can and want and deserve to be with someone and create something awesome I tell myself this, I believe this, I hope for this and I think that affects how I conduct myself in life in ways I am not aware of and helps make that reality happen.

    There is absolutely at least one more love story in store for everyone. Except maybe if you're very old and have lived most of your life already, but even then there are a lot of retired and widowed people who have jumped back into dating!
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  2. #32
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post

    Because your sentiments are exactly how I used to feel for a long time and still shake off the remnants of - "I am not destined for love". For whatever reason, that was my love script even before puberty. Tragic love, harlequin romance, platonic love - it was these things that I felt intuitively were mine - not lasting, romantic relationships.
    Hah, I still feel that way now, probably more so than I did as a teen. Just that deep down feeling that there is no one out there for me.

    Is it because I know no one will ever live up to the idealised image of love I have created? I doubt that's where it comes from, I was introspective as a young teen, but not aware enough to know subconciously that I had idealised love so much it would never fulfil me.

    I just feel it so strongly.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  3. #33
    Senior Member musttry's Avatar
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    I was in two different relationships that covered 11 years of my life. I have been single for a little over a year and it is definitely something I needed. I swore to myself that I wouldn't date anyone else until I was totally comfortable with being alone with myself. It was the best year of my life in terms of personal growth. I kept dating just to hone my skills with the ladies but I have been extremely cautious about not getting in too deep (hard for an NF).

    I feel that I've almost gotten to where I wanted to be, so now I'm keeping my eye out!

  4. #34
    Senior Member musttry's Avatar
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    oups. Apparently this was meant for NFPs, hope you don't mind. I'm borderline anyways.

  5. #35
    See Right Through Me Bubbles's Avatar
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    I like being single. I do. Sometimes when I'm with friends and their boyfriends, yes, then I wish I had another wheel to latch onto, but I'd rather be in no relationship than a relationship I didn't want in the first place. Besides, being single is freeing and let's you figure out how you want to live, how you want to grow and change, what you need to fix in your life. When you've reached that point, and when someone notices you've reached that point, then I think dating becomes all that much easier.

    Anyway, I'm happy as a clam to be single right now.

  6. #36
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    I think, I am going to accept being single, not have a relationship, figure out how I want to live.

  7. #37
    it's a nuclear device antireconciler's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    I just want to say - you are destined for love! Everyone is. It makes me sad to think this is a fundamental truth - "I am not destined for love" - that you deal with because I know exactly how that feels like. I know everyone is different, but for myself, I finallly decided that I WANT to be happy and I can and want and deserve to be with someone and create something awesome I tell myself this, I believe this, I hope for this and I think that affects how I conduct myself in life in ways I am not aware of and helps make that reality happen.

    There is absolutely at least one more love story in store for everyone. Except maybe if you're very old and have lived most of your life already, but even then there are a lot of retired and widowed people who have jumped back into dating!
    *hissing at you ... while acknowledging the truth of what you've said*

    There's no reason for this to be difficult to accept ... but I don't really have a choice ...


    Sorry CzeCze, I have to completely accept and embrace what you've said. You understand. I have no choice.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I had idealised love so much it would never fulfil me.

    I just feel it so strongly.
    R-Right ... so what is this parasite in my mind? What is it? What is it for? Protection. I don't want what I felt when I felt love. It was like foolishness. I hated something about myself. What was it? Vulnerability. Why would I feel that and why would it be bad? Maybe it's not. How could love possibly threaten me in any way? That just sounds ridiculous. Pride. Something simple then. That at least I can give up. How absurd that I would be prideful. Mind, nothing is scary here, so why are you shivering? You're just reactive. You're not me.

    Even if it's a strong feeling, it's still not persuasive enough. Isn't it funny that something should be really really strong and yet unpersuasive?
    ~ a n t i r e c o n c i l e r
    What is death, dies.
    What is life, lives.

  8. #38
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I've always gotten the impression that INFPs are not that great at finding love, as we are unlikely to "hunt" and difficult to get to know.

    In some ways I am content to be single. I enjoy the "freedom", and of course I need a lot of alone time to daydream. However, I do feel the need to connect with someone, to be understood, to receive and give affection. I think I have a lot of love to give, but finding someone to give it to is tricky. I cope by retreating into my imagination.

    I've also felt the fear that I will always be alone and am not "meant" to love.
    Like this Smiths' lyric, "Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I, my love."

  9. #39
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Cze-chan, thank you for your post btw. Especially the part Barbarella boldened (I agree with you entirely Ella). I think that some people are destined to find love, but not everyone. Some people CAN be happy even if it isn't the true love they were hoping for though. I don't think my parents had the faint-inducing true love that I picture being the ideal way of things, but they certainly didn't divorce and stuck out all their problems and flaws just fine.

    What makes it worse is that I am a very self-oriented person.. in the sense that, I blame everything on myself. ... that still isn't coming out right. I look within myself for the solutions to my problems. I'm extroverted, so I bounce situations off of people, but I generally have an idea of what I want to do or how to fix what's wrong already.

    When it comes to relationships, I am constantly searching within myself for solutions, and although I let my partners know what's wrong, it's only after I've sorted out things in my head.. I don't always work on other people's schedules. This causes conflicts, I realize, because I get resentful that people aren't constantly working as hard for me in return. To me, your boss telling you you're doing something wrong is too late to realize it needs correcting. You should have the intestinal fortitude to realize it. I understand this is idealistic and sometimes people need a cue (I need these too) but I have boyfriends who literally wait for EVERY small thing to be nagged on constantly, which quickly builds to unhealthy resentment.

    To update my situation a bit: I've been talking to a man, (keyword talking, little more) whom I know is interested in me.. and I know it's unreasonable, but I feel like I don't even want to give him the chance to disappoint me somehow because I feel like every relationship fails and I really don't want awkwardness with this guy.. I really like him, at least as a friend, im not sure about more tbh, and I'd rather just shut it off before it escalates instead of having another man I thought was SO cool try to leech the life out of me, change me from who I am, or get frustrated when they realized I wasn't all sunshine and butterflies 24/7.
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  10. #40
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Kyueei, I don't know what your story is and I know this sounds really cheesy, but I just want to say - you are destined for love! Everyone is. It makes me sad to think this is a fundamental truth - "I am not destined for love" - that you deal with because I know exactly how that feels like. I know everyone is different, but for myself, I finallly decided that I WANT to be happy and I can and want and deserve to be with someone and create something awesome I tell myself this, I believe this, I hope for this and I think that affects how I conduct myself in life in ways I am not aware of and helps make that reality happen.
    You are so CUTE! Wah!

    I've also gone for the tragical lovestory. Almost lived it out as well. This girl, This boy, meet have a wonderful time but I put it together as friends because I tried to be the good guy and... Wow, it's like I'm in the past every fucking time I think about it. My key issue; Regret of not taking the fucking wonderful opportunity infront of me when I was so overwhelmed by her. And still am. Which is the issue. Atm. I just can't forget. And She's still my friend. So I guess I kept in the relationship that never but did turn into a weird masochistic love/love relationship somewhere. And now she got a bf. I feel like argh. Wah.

    But about 700k miles away from her has helped a lot though. Not enough but a lot. Ish.
    I wish for that feeling again, so grand scale. Like every pore was sensing the existence of another total being.

    I once described it as two stone statues, as large as the sky, just staring at eachother with such fierceful emotions that not either one dares take the first step; as if we did, the dream would be ruined and we would've killed eachother.

    Ok, I know it sounds soooo silly but that was the way I saw it at the time. It sounds way better in Swedish though. Hence second-language difficulties.


    I feel so dumbfolded. Like a fool. Argh.

    Anyway, you're so cute! I love that. Weeeee!
    K?i! (cute, I think.. Not really sure about the spelling in pinyin just yet...)
    Or Japanese; Kawaii!
    Or Swedish: St!
    which would be the only ones I know. More or less.

    What my initial intention to writing this though was; I'm quite contempt staying single until I find someone that feels... MUCH. Grandscale. But a different one. Not the one I already would die for, even though it is very irrational, or at least so I have been told.


    Ok. I'll REALLY try to hold the red line, through out the reminder of the post. (i'm having quite the difficulties with this.)


    I am not unhappy about being single but I would not mind finding someone that I fit with. And that is something I find very hard as I tend to have quite high expectations.

    Does any one else find it really hard to have sex with someone unless there's at least one hint of emotion behind? I do. And that is a fucking big problem. I mean, I get sexually frustrated like everyone else but I can't seek it out the same way my other peers seem to be able to. It's just too... much lack of emotions.


    As long as I draw/paint/play/sing/dance/jump around, I don't find it too hard to not be in a relationship, but that might also be because I am still in the "waiting for her" place. And damn it's hard to let go.


    I hope this is readable and not too much mumbo-jumbo. I've really tried my best in sounding coherent.

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