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  1. #1
    Senior Member Valhallahereicome's Avatar
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    Default Disliking people on instinct?

    This has been bothering me a lot:

    I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

    So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

    I'm talking less about people I actually talk to than ones whom I overhear talking to each other. On a college campus, I overhear a lot of conversations and there are two things that bother me the most:

    1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

    2) The ACCENTS. This is southern California, and the Valley Girl accent proliferates. Then again, I recorded an interview the other day and listened to it afterward and heard MYSELF talking with a Valley Girl accent and using about 4 "like"s in a sentence. That was embarrassing. Guess I shouldn't judge based on accents.

    These problems are almost universal and I find myself wanting to vigorously smash things after I listen to a few people talk like this. Less common but as bad or worse is 3) Meanspiritedness. I do understand that it's fun and bonding to be meanspirited with other people, but this is a tendency that should be fought against.

    When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

    So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

    Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?

  2. #2
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    I can totally relate to you on this subject, really. This is usually why almost all of my friends are intuitive. I expect too much out of people, and in the end I know I wouldn't be satisfied talking to those people who don't fall under my expectations.

    I'm very glad someone else hates Meanspiritedness. It's one of the worst ways of bonding/flirting I've ever experienced, and it makes me lament anyone I see doing it. I automatically lose taste in anyone I see doing this. I thought I was weird because I didn't want to be fake mean to someone to bond, everyone else was doing it! It just never seemed right to me, never felt right to do it, experience it, or see people do it.

    The trivial conversations also annoy me a lot too. It makes me think a lot of people are so simple minded.

    I also love it when people open up and show me the real them. If someone tries to fake it then I will probably not speak with them again, or I will at least resist the urge.

    Yeah you aren't alone in this, really.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  3. #3
    Senior Member tibby's Avatar
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    People take on roles and want to adapt and be popular and it's all that "looking for thyself" jadajadaja. It bothered me back when I was a teen, but I've always found people to hang out with.
    First I thought it was this growing up thing, but then I got my first job at 16 and what do I see Adults, as in grown up people, acting and being the same way. Well I guess the business it was in influenced the type of people that would work in the field.

    I mean... I never trust first impressions, I know we do this evaluation basically in 6 seconds. It's never right, you can never tell the kind of person someone is with the first impressions. Think of yourself - how would you think you come off as ? For some people the way others see them and the social hierarchy is very important, so they try to adapt with the best way possible and since this "divide" is apparent in the way you described that's the only way to "get to the top" so to speak. So maybe it's power. Around people like you, they'd just be equal and there'd be no clear structure and status. And maybe some aren't as good at interpreting social dynamics as you are, so they stick to what seems most direct and straight-forward way.

    People are not what they seem, it's a matter of trying to conform. And seeing it from their view, may help you understand.

  4. #4
    Senior Member wildcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valhallahereicome View Post
    This has been bothering me a lot:

    I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

    So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

    I'm talking less about people I actually talk to than ones whom I overhear talking to each other. On a college campus, I overhear a lot of conversations and there are two things that bother me the most:

    1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

    2) The ACCENTS. This is southern California, and the Valley Girl accent proliferates. Then again, I recorded an interview the other day and listened to it afterward and heard MYSELF talking with a Valley Girl accent and using about 4 "like"s in a sentence. That was embarrassing. Guess I shouldn't judge based on accents.

    These problems are almost universal and I find myself wanting to vigorously smash things after I listen to a few people talk like this. Less common but as bad or worse is 3) Meanspiritedness. I do understand that it's fun and bonding to be meanspirited with other people, but this is a tendency that should be fought against.

    When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

    So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

    Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?
    Dislike is not always prejudice.
    Usually it is, though.
    Accent is a good example of prejudice.
    Or skin colour. Or triviality. Or class.

    Accent, triviliality, skin colour.. is a birth right.
    Trivial people have the right to be trivial.

    If the other kind of people have no legitimacy in your eyes, where is your legitimacy in their eyes?

  5. #5
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
    Trivial people have the right to be trivial.
    You are right in saying this, however some people I just don't have the patience with. If I observe and someone doesn't really show any signs of going off the track of being trivial, I will most likely not be interested. They have every right to that though.

    Quote Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
    If the other kind of people have no right in your eyes, where is your right in their eyes?
    Also it's funny how this statement you said works. They will most likely not approach us due to the same concepts, we will not approach them due to similar concepts. It's just how things work it seems. People don't get the right vibes from others in some cases, I experience this a good bit. Most if not all of the time when I do and I end up trying to talk to the person anyway then I am still disappointed.

    Other than that all points are agreed/understood.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  6. #6
    Senior Member Valhallahereicome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
    Dislike is not always prejudice.
    Usually it is, though.
    Accent is a good example of prejudice.
    Or skin colour. Or triviality. Or class.

    Accent, triviliality, skin colour.. is a birth right.
    Trivial people have the right to be trivial.

    If the other kind of people have no right in your eyes, where is your right in their eyes?
    You really can't lump in triviality with skin color and class. People are generally averse to judgments made on the latter two because race and class are things that people can't help, and that have nothing to do with who they truly are. Triviality, or lack thereof, is an actual part of someone's character. Are you saying that we can't judge people based on the content of their character? How un-MLK-ish.

    Also, where did I say that they don't have a right to be trivial? Exactly what does that mean to you? All I said was that I instinctively disliked them for this trait. I certainly am not planning to start a movement to rehabilitate trivial-seeming people, or kick them out of school, or whatever. If you mean that I am too intolerant of them inside my own mind - on the contrary, I actually want to understand where they're coming from and relate to them better. I would prefer NOT to dislike them.

    Glad that others do relate.

    Tibby - Good point about not trusting first impressions. I doubt that I come off all that great in the first few minutes that someone meets me. It's good to keep an open mind for at least the first few interactions.

    BlackCat - Definitely relate on expecting too much out of people. But I'm not sure how you see meanspiritedness? What I meant was when girls bond over saying nasty things about someone who's not present. It's probably different for guys, though.

    Haha, I can actually recall times in my past when I'm pretty sure people were judging me for seeming trivial. I know I come off as loud and silly and sometimes ditzy, and if you saw me at a party you would never know I had more than two thoughts rattling around inside my little brain. Yet another reason to hold off on the judgment.

    Any advice on how to force yourself to keep judgment at bay?

  7. #7
    Senior Member Jeremy's Avatar
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    Default

    I think you see that, but also fail to realize that everyone has a deep part to themselves. They might not show it to the world, but it's there, you know? You can't dislike people for playing the social game, because the game isn't really their determination. They are doing what they perceive as "normal". Once you break through "normal", however, you start to see; these people are more than just the shells and masks that they show to the world. Even those of us who avoid such "trivial" matters are, in fact, wearing a mask that we use to protect ourselves from the perceived "fickle" world.

    I'm not saying you have to like the interactions that people have, but I have learned that you can't judge people too quickly on appearances alone. There's always something beneath the surface that you can't immediately see, something that really forms the foundation of the person. Trivial conversations, valley girl accents, and meanspiritedness are facades used to overcome the trials of everyday life, but there is worth to everyone, and dismissing them on that alone is.. not right.
    "Can you set me free from this dark inner world? Save me now, last beats in the soul.."

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  8. #8
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tibby View Post
    ...I mean... I never trust first impressions, I know we do this evaluation basically in 6 seconds. It's never right, you can never tell the kind of person someone is with the first impressions. Think of yourself - how would you think you come off as ? For some people the way others see them and the social hierarchy is very important, so they try to adapt with the best way possible and since this "divide" is apparent in the way you described that's the only way to "get to the top" so to speak. So maybe it's power. Around people like you, they'd just be equal and there'd be no clear structure and status. And maybe some aren't as good at interpreting social dynamics as you are, so they stick to what seems most direct and straight-forward way.

    People are not what they seem, it's a matter of trying to conform. And seeing it from their view, may help you understand.
    I appreciated reading this post. It is much easier to assume a first impression is correct than it is to actually be correct. I've made at least my share of bad first impressions. It's unfun to be on the receiving end of such things. I will admit that there are people (more often in the media than irl) that give me an annoyed or disappointed feeling, but when it happens I try to just see it as irrelevant, as being as much the result of my own baggage as it is theirs.

    Disliking people on instinct is something to be wary of and it is something quite common to people in general from what I understand of it. It's the reason for having so many books and seminars, etc. on how to make a good first impression. It might also be amplified in fast-paced popular culture where a song's value is determined by its first five seconds. On the other hand, in situations that can involve danger, there is value in taking the cautious route and listening to your gut if it tells you there is something wrong with the interaction with a particular person. I guess it's about balance.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  9. #9
    Senior Member wildcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    You are right in saying this, however some people I just don't have the patience with. If I observe and someone doesn't really show any signs of going off the track of being trivial, I will most likely not be interested. They have every right to that though.



    Also it's funny how this statement you said works. They will most likely not approach us due to the same concepts, we will not approach them due to similar concepts. It's just how things work it seems. People don't get the right vibes from others in some cases, I experience this a good bit. Most if not all of the time when I do and I end up trying to talk to the person anyway then I am still disappointed.

    Other than that all points are agreed/understood.
    I also plead guilty.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremy View Post
    I think you see that, but also fail to realize that everyone has a deep part to themselves. They might not show it to the world, but it's there, you know? You can't dislike people for playing the social game, because the game isn't really their determination. They are doing what they perceive as "normal". Once you break through "normal", however, you start to see; these people are more than just the shells and masks that they show to the world. Even those of us who avoid such "trivial" matters are, in fact, wearing a mask that we use to protect ourselves from the perceived "fickle" world.

    I'm not saying you have to like the interactions that people have, but I have learned that you can't judge people too quickly on appearances alone. There's always something beneath the surface that you can't immediately see, something that really forms the foundation of the person. Trivial conversations, valley girl accents, and meanspiritedness are facades used to overcome the trials of everyday life, but there is worth to everyone, and dismissing them on that alone is.. not right.

    For most people that aren't close friends. It's extremely hard to break into 'random' topics from the start. Talking about 'trivial' things is a much safer, the draw back is that there are lots of 'boring' conversations. Lots of everybody in the world goes around thinking...

    "Bah I hate small talk" - Yet they still force themselves to engage in it.

    Ironically there are times when I'm listening to my N friends talk about lulcats etc and think... "Man. That's so trivial" >.<;

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