[INFP] Disliking people on instinct?

[Valhallahereicome]

Wow. It went from 'dislike' in the title to 'hate' now. I certainly dislike people on instinct, but hating is a whole different category. There are plenty of people who are good and kind, and who will probably do a great deal to benefit mankind, but who just rub me the wrong way and I don't care to be around them. That's not to say I hate them, though.

Huh? Oh, what happy puppy said? No, I don't hate them - actually I can't think of anyone I hate. That was more rhetoric. Dislike is the best term, for me at least.

EDIT: To Von Mittendorf - Ha, I plan to. Still got until the end of summer to finish school, though.

 

[Halla74]

...When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. (1) Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. (2)I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

(3)So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?

Please refer to the bolded above for context as to my comments:

(1) Not everyone who is happy, or smiles for the matter is fake. Some people are genuinely happy, like me, and we don't try to be that way, we just are, and we're OK with it, and there's nothing wrong with that.

(2) OK, you are getting lost in your own metaphors. How can you dig down deep into someone to find something you can really appreciate in them if you don't ever give them a chance in the first place, because you dislike them at first sound, or first sight?

(3) I think the only thing wrong with you is your attitude and/or that you are hyper-critical of people you don't even know because of pet peeves or stereotypes that you don't identify with. Why do you like or dislike someone based on thier conversation with another, when you have no idea who they are, what they are talking about 100%, or what either of them has been through that day or the rest of their lives for the matter?

You might want to chill out a little bit and maybe for starters, pick an activity that you wish to engage in that you have not already. Then join a club or social group that does it. It is at a place like that, that you have a chance to hear people talk about something that they are in to, just like you. WOW! Maybe then they won't seem so superficial and smiley and shiny and fake?

Not trying to rant, but I think you are taking life and your simple everyday interactions/observations of people WAY too seriously. Try to lighten up a little bit. Smile! It's OK!



-Alex

 

[Glycerine]

Please refer to the bolded above for context as to my comments:

(1) Not everyone who is happy, or smiles for the matter is fake. Some people are genuinely happy, like me, and we don't try to be that way, we just are, and we're OK with it, and there's nothing wrong with that.

(2) OK, you are getting lost in your own metaphors. How can you dig down deep into someone to find something you can really appreciate in them if you don't ever give them a chance in the first place, because you dislike them at first sound, or first sight?

(3) I think the only thing wrong with you is your attitude and/or that you are hyper-critical of people you don't even know because of pet peeves or stereotypes that you don't identify with. Why do you like or dislike someone based on thier conversation with another, when you have no idea who they are, what they are talking about 100%, or what either of them has been through that day or the rest of their lives for the matter?

You might want to chill out a little bit and maybe for starters, pick an activity that you wish to engage in that you have not already. Then join a club or social group that does it. It is at a place like that, that you have a chance to hear people talk about something that they are in to, just like you. WOW! Maybe then they won't seem so superficial and smiley and shiny and fake?

Not trying to rant, but I think you are taking life and your simple everyday interactions/observations of people WAY too seriously. Try to lighten up a little bit. Smile! It's OK!



-Alex

I like your perspective on things. It's refreshing and different!

 

[Mondo]

I notice the phoniness too for many people but I don't dislike a person as a result.
Many people would probably surprise you- most have a superficial side and a deep side.
Never dislike a person on instinct.
It is a foolish way of dealing with other people.
It is what creates prejudice. It is how wars start.
It is one of the many roots of why injustice is so prevalent in our society.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Maybe I'll mention one of my personal heroes in the context of this thread. It is a woman I sort of knew who communicated in that surface way, and she had all the external trimming with bleached hair, breast implants, etc. We took a dance class together and interacted a bit, but never got that close. I know about her background and she faced abuse, neglect, etc. growing up and she made something of herself with not a great deal of support in her life. She is someone who could make an impression that simply does not tell the entire story. She has a kind of internal fortitude that I could only aspire to. The difficulties she has faced could well be related to her limited presentation of herself. People can go much deeper than they reveal on the surface. It is the same way my demeanor does not tell the entire story about who I am. It is okay for people to be private even if that sometimes mean they appear shallow, boring, unintelligent, passive, or whatever their personal reservations might imply.

 

[Glycerine]

To the OP, I have experienced similar problems but it's not really an initial dislike of a person, it's more like skepticism for me. Like Mondo, I, too, believe that most people have two sides. That's definitely true for me. I can be very immature/supericial one minute but deep and genuine the next. I will be the joker or just talk about surface things because I don't really want people all in my business or to judge me. Oh also, most people would probably not show their authentic self to a total stranger because that's the vulnerable side to each individual, imo. It's about building rapport first. Then the meaningfulness may come.

 

[placebo]

I feel the same way a lot, about the triviality and just general dislike towards people, and I'm pretty sure it is a VERY INFP thing to feel like. Not really sure there's any other way to put it than that that's just how we are. Some people get it, some people don't. There's definitely a need to be connected to people, but it's kind of just the issue of finding the right people whose values are more in sync with yours. So many people seem oblivious or indifferent to the things that concern me and constantly consume my mind, and the frustration of never being able to find someone to talk to on that level, sorta breeds resentment towards the general crowd I think.

 

[Valhallahereicome]

Please refer to the bolded above for context as to my comments:

(1) Not everyone who is happy, or smiles for the matter is fake. Some people are genuinely happy, like me, and we don't try to be that way, we just are, and we're OK with it, and there's nothing wrong with that.

(2) OK, you are getting lost in your own metaphors. How can you dig down deep into someone to find something you can really appreciate in them if you don't ever give them a chance in the first place, because you dislike them at first sound, or first sight?

(3) I think the only thing wrong with you is your attitude and/or that you are hyper-critical of people you don't even know because of pet peeves or stereotypes that you don't identify with. Why do you like or dislike someone based on thier conversation with another, when you have no idea who they are, what they are talking about 100%, or what either of them has been through that day or the rest of their lives for the matter?

You might want to chill out a little bit and maybe for starters, pick an activity that you wish to engage in that you have not already. Then join a club or social group that does it. It is at a place like that, that you have a chance to hear people talk about something that they are in to, just like you. WOW! Maybe then they won't seem so superficial and smiley and shiny and fake?

Not trying to rant, but I think you are taking life and your simple everyday interactions/observations of people WAY too seriously. Try to lighten up a little bit. Smile! It's OK!



-Alex

Hoo boy! Obviously I didn't come across to you very well, Alex. That's all right, hopefully you're not judging me based on *ahem* your first impression, which I take it is one of constant gloom and doom.

No, I'm pretty smiley and happy myself, and I am sometimes curious as to whether I come off as being superficial as well. Don't think so - I tend to be too sarcastic and blunt, but then again who knows. Like I said, I'm TRYING not to judge, because I know that the surface tells only part of the story. It just seems to be ingrained in me to take people at face value. That's something I'm trying to overcome and I was actually asking for advice on how to do so.

The "chill out a bit" and attitude adjustment stuff wasn't exactly helpful, because clearly I already know I need to do that, but thanks anyway for your lovely comments. Maybe you should consider taking your own advice at times.

 

[Valhallahereicome]

There's lots of good advice in this thread, sorry if I don't respond to all of it, but rest assured that I am thinking about it. Actually, I went to a dinner tonight where there were a few people I didn't know and for a good portion of the time I had this thread in the back of my mind. "Keep an open mind! Ask questions and try to get to know the person before you judge!" And it did work - one girl who had seemed a little bit fake on the surface turned out to be really sweet and we started joking around, and another who seemed very fake ended up opening up slightly and turns out that she paints and had some very good ideas for an art exhibit for our club.

The idea that everyone has a superficial side and a deep side seems pretty reasonable; I guess I'm just experiencing INFP frustration at wanting to get to the deep stuff right away. Gotta keep that in check and remember that most of the rest of the world has different priorities.

 

[prplchknz]

I'm sorry but is what the OP described the same thing as judging before getting to know someone? dear, that's not instinct that's just being human.

 

[SillySapienne]

This has been bothering me a lot:

I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

I'm talking less about people I actually talk to than ones whom I overhear talking to each other. On a college campus, I overhear a lot of conversations and there are two things that bother me the most:

1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

2) The ACCENTS. This is southern California, and the Valley Girl accent proliferates. Then again, I recorded an interview the other day and listened to it afterward and heard MYSELF talking with a Valley Girl accent and using about 4 "like"s in a sentence. That was embarrassing. Guess I shouldn't judge based on accents.

These problems are almost universal and I find myself wanting to vigorously smash things after I listen to a few people talk like this. Less common but as bad or worse is 3) Meanspiritedness. I do understand that it's fun and bonding to be meanspirited with other people, but this is a tendency that should be fought against.

When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?

I'm a valley girl, and I am occasionally guilty of using the filler "like" in my conversations, um, so, like, sue me?!?!

As for trivial-shoot-the-shit conversations, I loathe them as well and not only detest them but avoid engaging in them like the plague.

Do I dislike certain people on instinct?

Absolutely, as do I also experience immediately taking a liking to other people on instinct as well.

What can I say, some people rub you either the right or wrong way. Likely due to the effects of chemistry, energy and compatibility, methinks.

Truth is, life, or rather the way you experience life is largely dependent on the perspectives you choose to adopt and the lenses you choose to perceive through.

Some days I am a misanthrope, other days, I am a philanthrope (lol, is that even a word?). It really just depends on my mood.

But, I should mention, as it somewhat pertains that yesterday I had an epiphany where I realized/decided that I love dogs perhaps even more than I love humans, (in general), and may want to devote my life working at an animal shelter.

I can confidently state that dogs categorically rock, and sadly, I cannot say the same for humans. :/

 

[Frank]

In most cases I have observed that a persons dislike or whatever of another person/group has more to do with their own fears/insecurities etc... Could it be that your disdain for these people arise from what is often described as an infps desire to be authentic. Maybe that behaviour in others is a threat to your own search for authenticity or you abhor it so much because deep down you know you too can act in that manner. I guess the important thing to remember is that authenticity ,while important to you, does not rank high on everyones list. Some just want to fit in, make others comfortable, be popular, get ahead etc... All equally worthwhile pursuits.

 

[Valhallahereicome]

^^^Wow, definitely relate to a lot of that. Yes, forgot to mention that I certainly like some people on instinct. I love it when that happens. And I do have my "philanthrope" days too. When that happens I'm just like "Please stay! Please stay!" but the sour disposition returns sooner rather than later.

I have considered working at a dog shelter before. Knew a woman a while back who was training to work with dogs at a shelter, and it was very intense for her but she loved every minute of it. It's true that it's a lot easier to be fond of animals than of humans, mainly because animals are a lot easier to understand.

EDIT: That was in reference to CaptainChick's post.

But to Frank - Also an interesting post. I don't think it's that exactly. I do act in the superficial manner when I have to, in fact I wish I could be better at it because it would make my life easier. Maybe the threat to my own search for authenticity is part of it.

Actually, I'm going to be really honest and hope I won't be flamed for it. After thinking about it since making this thread, I think that a huge reason I don't like superficial-seeming people is because I'm afraid that they will reject me. Many times when I'm talking to someone like that, we don't click and they feel it and I feel it. But rather than writing it off as a bad connection or interaction, I tend to put the blame on myself and think "Well, if only I were more X then they would have liked me." Let's just say that I have self-esteem issues.

Hard to believe that I'm putting that out there for this message board to read, but quite frankly that's what I think much of the problem is.

Anyone else relate?

 

[SillySapienne]

In most cases I have observed that a persons dislike or whatever of another person/group has more to do with their own fears/insecurities etc... Could it be that your disdain for these people arise from what is often described as an infps desire to be authentic. Maybe that behaviour in others is a threat to your own search for authenticity or you abhor it so much because deep down you know you too can act in that manner. I guess the important thing to remember is that authenticity ,while important to you, does not rank high on everyones list. Some just want to fit in, make others comfortable, be popular, get ahead etc... All equally worthwhile pursuits.

LIES!!!

Some people suck ass, some people are phony, backstabbing, cruel wastes of space.

Ignorant people are tolerable, willful idiots, on the other hand??!? Not so much.

Inauthentic people... isn't that a euphemism for what in actuality are the deluded or just plain liars?

If you are a liar, or a mean idiot, you are a shitty, or shittier person than let's say a person who is kind and more truthful.

Call me judgmental, but we are not all equally good or bad, some people are more fucked up, and mean than others, period.

 

[Frank]

LIES!!!

Some people suck ass, some people are phony, backstabbing, cruel wastes of space.

Ignorant people are tolerable, willful idiots, on the other hand??!? Not so much.

Inauthentic people... isn't that a euphemism for what in actuality are the deluded or just plain liars?

If you are a liar, or a mean idiot, you are a shitty, or shittier person than let's say a person who is kind and more truthful.

Call me judgmental, but we are not all equally good or bad, some people are more fucked up, and mean than others, period.

If your drive is to be authentic you pursue it because that is what makes you feel good. If you desire to be rich, to be popular, to be nurturing, wise or whatever you pursue it because it makes you feel good. In the end they are all equally selfish in that they manifest from an inner personal drive. So yes, in my opinion none are intrinsically better than others. Some like to feel like martyrs while others like to feel like kings. The results of these pursuits can obviously be judged to have more value to society, friends etc... but that does not make them less selfish or more selfless than any other.

 

[SillySapienne]

Um, if I want to be filthy rich and I lie, cheat, steal and hurt others to get what I want, I am equally selfish as a man who makes an *honest* living?!?!?

How do you figure?

 

[Southern Kross]

Firstly, I LOVE that there is even a discussion on the subject. And that it is interesting and thought-provoking, is just icing on the cake

I have though much on this subject, particularly lately. I went to Israel and worked on a kibbutz last year and learned a lot about people in the process. I discovered the following:

1. While I consider myself a pretty good judge of character I am frequently wrong. I often changed my view of people after getting to know them. I realized how wrong I could be about people. I thought one girl was somewhat ignorant and arrogant, and the sort of person who gets by on her looks but discovered her to be a smart, goofy, wonderfully warm human being (and now a great friend!) I dismissed another as an obnoxious frat boy type but found him to be be very insecure and capable of great sensitivity. I have endless examples of this sort of thing.

2. I (and most other people, I would say) go through life avoiding certain people when they initially rub us the wrong way. And there are so many protective measures we all use to keep such people away. The kibbutz was in a relatively isolated spot, with limited (exciting) things to do and you can't really escape people if you didn't like them. You are in a foreign country without your friends from home (most people went alone) and your family. You lived, worked, ate, and even socialized with everyone else and had limited privacy. I sometimes disliked certain people when I met them, but because you can't hide from them (and because constant arguments just isn't going to work), you had to put up with them. When you take away the protective measures that we use to keep people at a distance, the ones you perceive as being 'not your sort of person', a whole new world opens up to you.

3. I can get along with pretty much anyone. If you keep an open mind and allow yourself to be a little more forgiving of people's faults, you can end up getting to know an interesting person you otherwise wouldn't have associated with. I have never socialized with so many different kinds of people. I feel that my life and experiences have been so incredibly enrichened because of it.

4. There are many kinds of friendship. You shouldn't have to high a standard for a friendship - they don't all have to be best mates/kindred spirits. There is much to be gained by spending time with someone very different to youself. You get to explore different sides of yourself. I am now left feeling so open-minded when it comes to friendship.

 

[Frank]

Um, if I want to be filthy rich and I lie, cheat, steal and hurt others to get what I want, I am equally selfish as a man who makes an *honest* living?!?!?

How do you figure?

The desires are what I am referring too. Not the half-assed or misinformed way people go about fulfilling them. Too better frame your question.

In my opinion the person who pursues money and comfort is no more selfish than a person who devotes their life to volunteering in a poor, impoverished nation. They are both, first and foremost, fulfilling an inner need.

 

[SillySapienne]

The desires are what I am referring too. Not the half-assed or misinformed way people go about fulfilling them. Too better frame your question.

In my opinion the person who pursues money and comfort is no more selfish than a person who devotes their life to volunteering in a poor, impoverished nation. They are both, first and foremost, fulfilling an inner need.

Gah, technically you are correct, I must concede, but, meh, I still don't like it.

Yes, technically we are all selfish, and altruism itself is still very much so rooted in selfish desires, and even though one's acts may be selfless, they do in fact work to fulfill selfish desires.

But I commend, admire and love those who adopt or exhibit more cooperative, kind modes of behavior. Nobody likes a selfish prick, and lord knows the world is chalk full of them!

 

[Glycerine]

^^^Wow, definitely relate to a lot of that. Yes, forgot to mention that I certainly like some people on instinct. I love it when that happens. And I do have my "philanthrope" days too. When that happens I'm just like "Please stay! Please stay!" but the sour disposition returns sooner rather than later.

I have considered working at a dog shelter before. Knew a woman a while back who was training to work with dogs at a shelter, and it was very intense for her but she loved every minute of it. It's true that it's a lot easier to be fond of animals than of humans, mainly because animals are a lot easier to understand.

EDIT: That was in reference to CaptainChick's post.

But to Frank - Also an interesting post. I don't think it's that exactly. I do act in the superficial manner when I have to, in fact I wish I could be better at it because it would make my life easier. Maybe the threat to my own search for authenticity is part of it.

Actually, I'm going to be really honest and hope I won't be flamed for it. After thinking about it since making this thread, I think that a huge reason I don't like superficial-seeming people is because I'm afraid that they will reject me. Many times when I'm talking to someone like that, we don't click and they feel it and I feel it. But rather than writing it off as a bad connection or interaction, I tend to put the blame on myself and think "Well, if only I were more X then they would have liked me." Let's just say that I have self-esteem issues.
Hard to believe that I'm putting that out there for this message board to read, but quite frankly that's what I think much of the problem is.

Anyone else relate?

I can totally relate to you on this. It's kind of like a "judge them/reject them before they have chance to reject you" mentality. It might be a defense mechanism because people might have continally betrayed you in the past and you don't want others to have the power to hurt you. That's what I have noticed with people who are extra critical of others (including myself).