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  1. #31
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valhallahereicome View Post
    This has been bothering me a lot:

    I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

    So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

    I'm talking less about people I actually talk to than ones whom I overhear talking to each other. On a college campus, I overhear a lot of conversations and there are two things that bother me the most:

    1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

    2) The ACCENTS. This is southern California, and the Valley Girl accent proliferates. Then again, I recorded an interview the other day and listened to it afterward and heard MYSELF talking with a Valley Girl accent and using about 4 "like"s in a sentence. That was embarrassing. Guess I shouldn't judge based on accents.

    These problems are almost universal and I find myself wanting to vigorously smash things after I listen to a few people talk like this. Less common but as bad or worse is 3) Meanspiritedness. I do understand that it's fun and bonding to be meanspirited with other people, but this is a tendency that should be fought against.

    When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

    So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

    Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?
    I'm a valley girl, and I am occasionally guilty of using the filler "like" in my conversations, um, so, like, sue me?!?!

    As for trivial-shoot-the-shit conversations, I loathe them as well and not only detest them but avoid engaging in them like the plague.

    Do I dislike certain people on instinct?

    Absolutely, as do I also experience immediately taking a liking to other people on instinct as well.

    What can I say, some people rub you either the right or wrong way. Likely due to the effects of chemistry, energy and compatibility, methinks.

    Truth is, life, or rather the way you experience life is largely dependent on the perspectives you choose to adopt and the lenses you choose to perceive through.

    Some days I am a misanthrope, other days, I am a philanthrope (lol, is that even a word?). It really just depends on my mood.

    But, I should mention, as it somewhat pertains that yesterday I had an epiphany where I realized/decided that I love dogs perhaps even more than I love humans, (in general), and may want to devote my life working at an animal shelter.

    I can confidently state that dogs categorically rock, and sadly, I cannot say the same for humans. :/
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

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  2. #32
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    In most cases I have observed that a persons dislike or whatever of another person/group has more to do with their own fears/insecurities etc... Could it be that your disdain for these people arise from what is often described as an infps desire to be authentic. Maybe that behaviour in others is a threat to your own search for authenticity or you abhor it so much because deep down you know you too can act in that manner. I guess the important thing to remember is that authenticity ,while important to you, does not rank high on everyones list. Some just want to fit in, make others comfortable, be popular, get ahead etc... All equally worthwhile pursuits.

  3. #33
    Senior Member Valhallahereicome's Avatar
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    ^^^Wow, definitely relate to a lot of that. Yes, forgot to mention that I certainly like some people on instinct. I love it when that happens. And I do have my "philanthrope" days too. When that happens I'm just like "Please stay! Please stay!" but the sour disposition returns sooner rather than later.

    I have considered working at a dog shelter before. Knew a woman a while back who was training to work with dogs at a shelter, and it was very intense for her but she loved every minute of it. It's true that it's a lot easier to be fond of animals than of humans, mainly because animals are a lot easier to understand.

    EDIT: That was in reference to CaptainChick's post.

    But to Frank - Also an interesting post. I don't think it's that exactly. I do act in the superficial manner when I have to, in fact I wish I could be better at it because it would make my life easier. Maybe the threat to my own search for authenticity is part of it.

    Actually, I'm going to be really honest and hope I won't be flamed for it. After thinking about it since making this thread, I think that a huge reason I don't like superficial-seeming people is because I'm afraid that they will reject me. Many times when I'm talking to someone like that, we don't click and they feel it and I feel it. But rather than writing it off as a bad connection or interaction, I tend to put the blame on myself and think "Well, if only I were more X then they would have liked me." Let's just say that I have self-esteem issues.

    Hard to believe that I'm putting that out there for this message board to read, but quite frankly that's what I think much of the problem is.

    Anyone else relate?

  4. #34
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank View Post
    In most cases I have observed that a persons dislike or whatever of another person/group has more to do with their own fears/insecurities etc... Could it be that your disdain for these people arise from what is often described as an infps desire to be authentic. Maybe that behaviour in others is a threat to your own search for authenticity or you abhor it so much because deep down you know you too can act in that manner. I guess the important thing to remember is that authenticity ,while important to you, does not rank high on everyones list. Some just want to fit in, make others comfortable, be popular, get ahead etc... All equally worthwhile pursuits.
    LIES!!!

    Some people suck ass, some people are phony, backstabbing, cruel wastes of space.

    Ignorant people are tolerable, willful idiots, on the other hand??!? Not so much.

    Inauthentic people... isn't that a euphemism for what in actuality are the deluded or just plain liars?

    If you are a liar, or a mean idiot, you are a shitty, or shittier person than let's say a person who is kind and more truthful.

    Call me judgmental, but we are not all equally good or bad, some people are more fucked up, and mean than others, period.
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

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  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    LIES!!!

    Some people suck ass, some people are phony, backstabbing, cruel wastes of space.

    Ignorant people are tolerable, willful idiots, on the other hand??!? Not so much.

    Inauthentic people... isn't that a euphemism for what in actuality are the deluded or just plain liars?

    If you are a liar, or a mean idiot, you are a shitty, or shittier person than let's say a person who is kind and more truthful.

    Call me judgmental, but we are not all equally good or bad, some people are more fucked up, and mean than others, period.
    If your drive is to be authentic you pursue it because that is what makes you feel good. If you desire to be rich, to be popular, to be nurturing, wise or whatever you pursue it because it makes you feel good. In the end they are all equally selfish in that they manifest from an inner personal drive. So yes, in my opinion none are intrinsically better than others. Some like to feel like martyrs while others like to feel like kings. The results of these pursuits can obviously be judged to have more value to society, friends etc... but that does not make them less selfish or more selfless than any other.

  6. #36
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Um, if I want to be filthy rich and I lie, cheat, steal and hurt others to get what I want, I am equally selfish as a man who makes an *honest* living?!?!?

    How do you figure?
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  7. #37
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Firstly, I LOVE that there is even a discussion on the subject. And that it is interesting and thought-provoking, is just icing on the cake

    I have though much on this subject, particularly lately. I went to Israel and worked on a kibbutz last year and learned a lot about people in the process. I discovered the following:

    1. While I consider myself a pretty good judge of character I am frequently wrong. I often changed my view of people after getting to know them. I realized how wrong I could be about people. I thought one girl was somewhat ignorant and arrogant, and the sort of person who gets by on her looks but discovered her to be a smart, goofy, wonderfully warm human being (and now a great friend!) I dismissed another as an obnoxious frat boy type but found him to be be very insecure and capable of great sensitivity. I have endless examples of this sort of thing.

    2. I (and most other people, I would say) go through life avoiding certain people when they initially rub us the wrong way. And there are so many protective measures we all use to keep such people away. The kibbutz was in a relatively isolated spot, with limited (exciting) things to do and you can't really escape people if you didn't like them. You are in a foreign country without your friends from home (most people went alone) and your family. You lived, worked, ate, and even socialized with everyone else and had limited privacy. I sometimes disliked certain people when I met them, but because you can't hide from them (and because constant arguments just isn't going to work), you had to put up with them. When you take away the protective measures that we use to keep people at a distance, the ones you perceive as being 'not your sort of person', a whole new world opens up to you.

    3. I can get along with pretty much anyone. If you keep an open mind and allow yourself to be a little more forgiving of people's faults, you can end up getting to know an interesting person you otherwise wouldn't have associated with. I have never socialized with so many different kinds of people. I feel that my life and experiences have been so incredibly enrichened because of it.

    4. There are many kinds of friendship. You shouldn't have to high a standard for a friendship - they don't all have to be best mates/kindred spirits. There is much to be gained by spending time with someone very different to youself. You get to explore different sides of yourself. I am now left feeling so open-minded when it comes to friendship.

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Um, if I want to be filthy rich and I lie, cheat, steal and hurt others to get what I want, I am equally selfish as a man who makes an *honest* living?!?!?

    How do you figure?
    The desires are what I am referring too. Not the half-assed or misinformed way people go about fulfilling them. Too better frame your question.

    In my opinion the person who pursues money and comfort is no more selfish than a person who devotes their life to volunteering in a poor, impoverished nation. They are both, first and foremost, fulfilling an inner need.

  9. #39
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank View Post
    The desires are what I am referring too. Not the half-assed or misinformed way people go about fulfilling them. Too better frame your question.

    In my opinion the person who pursues money and comfort is no more selfish than a person who devotes their life to volunteering in a poor, impoverished nation. They are both, first and foremost, fulfilling an inner need.
    Gah, technically you are correct, I must concede, but, meh, I still don't like it.

    Yes, technically we are all selfish, and altruism itself is still very much so rooted in selfish desires, and even though one's acts may be selfless, they do in fact work to fulfill selfish desires.

    But I commend, admire and love those who adopt or exhibit more cooperative, kind modes of behavior. Nobody likes a selfish prick, and lord knows the world is chalk full of them!
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valhallahereicome View Post
    ^^^Wow, definitely relate to a lot of that. Yes, forgot to mention that I certainly like some people on instinct. I love it when that happens. And I do have my "philanthrope" days too. When that happens I'm just like "Please stay! Please stay!" but the sour disposition returns sooner rather than later.

    I have considered working at a dog shelter before. Knew a woman a while back who was training to work with dogs at a shelter, and it was very intense for her but she loved every minute of it. It's true that it's a lot easier to be fond of animals than of humans, mainly because animals are a lot easier to understand.

    EDIT: That was in reference to CaptainChick's post.

    But to Frank - Also an interesting post. I don't think it's that exactly. I do act in the superficial manner when I have to, in fact I wish I could be better at it because it would make my life easier. Maybe the threat to my own search for authenticity is part of it.

    Actually, I'm going to be really honest and hope I won't be flamed for it. After thinking about it since making this thread, I think that a huge reason I don't like superficial-seeming people is because I'm afraid that they will reject me. Many times when I'm talking to someone like that, we don't click and they feel it and I feel it. But rather than writing it off as a bad connection or interaction, I tend to put the blame on myself and think "Well, if only I were more X then they would have liked me." Let's just say that I have self-esteem issues.
    Hard to believe that I'm putting that out there for this message board to read, but quite frankly that's what I think much of the problem is.

    Anyone else relate?
    I can totally relate to you on this. It's kind of like a "judge them/reject them before they have chance to reject you" mentality. It might be a defense mechanism because people might have continally betrayed you in the past and you don't want others to have the power to hurt you. That's what I have noticed with people who are extra critical of others (including myself).

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