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  1. #11
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bronte View Post
    Hi all
    Can somebody explain to me why when an accusation is levelled at me which is complete rubbish (so much so that when I told a couple of friends they fell about laughing at the thought) i still feel bad about it!!??
    You apparently told yourself some part of it...to yourself. Think of it this way: Everything anybody says to you is a suggestion. If they contextualize it as fact, that's their attitude...That doesn't make it a fact necessarily.

    Just like politics...if one side feels so strong about something, and spews hate toward the other party, it doesn't make the other party wrong necessarily. It just means they are angry at the other party.

    Who knows...the perpetrator may know their accusation is complete nonsense...say an ESTP said it, I don't know...but their intention may just be to see if you take it personally..In other words, what they accuse you of may be of little importance to them..They could have just as easily chosen or made up some other thing to say to you..I don't know..but do you get what I'm saying?

    See what I'm saying?

    I would ignore them. (and tell yourself, formally, the truth).
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  2. #12
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    I once had a rumour made up about me (that I slept with a friend of mine). People would ask me outright then laugh at me and not believe me when I vermently denied it. It went on and on with one friend constantly teasing me about it. I almost never forgave her - It got to the point where I stopped speaking to her entirely (and I saw her everyday). I can't tell you how insanely angry I was about it all. I think that if people when around saying anything untrue about me no matter how seemingly insignificant I would react the same way.

    Its a horrible situation to be in. I certainly couldn't just "let it go".

  3. #13
    a scream in a vortex nanook's Avatar
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    1) its a projection of selfhate.

    you think about your self what has been said about you (eventually on a verry low level that can be ignored)
    or you don't think you are what you have been accused of, but you strongly think that you should not to be, what you have been accused of, but you don't consciously admit that you think so, or that a part of you may like to be just like what you have been accused of.
    in order to defend yourself you must state again, that you are not as accused, and go on to agree that you should not be like that, or else the other person would be right in hating you.
    this removes you further from your shadow, which thinks thinks you are a little as accused or that you want to be like that.
    this weakens you. you may disappear and only the shadow will be left. the accusation will seem true. more than that your self-hate which forbids you to be like that is reinforced.


    2) you want to kill the person that has accused you. but don't admit it to yourself. you tell yourself, that you ought to be mad at the person, because the person is wrong after all. so you enforce your hate, while at the same time lying about how severe your hate motive is. like oh yeah you are just the victim, not the aggressor, and you do not realy want to kill anyone.

    3) the circle closes, as you look at where the secret killing hate comes from. its probably identical to the side in you, which believes that the accusation is true. it generally believes that one must not listen to a conflicting party ... well i m not sure what it is, but somehow it turns against you.

    thats confused and incomplete, but the best thing i can channel this early at the morning (GMT)


    i think i see how the hate toward the one who accuses you might weaken you:

    lets say you are weak
    and someone called you "weak ass"
    and a voice of you, lets call it bambi, says about itself "i am weak",
    while another voice in says: "i am not weak, and must not be weak"
    and you say loud to the accusant "you shit, i am not weak"
    this is like saying to your own bambi: "you weak shit, you are not a part of me"
    cuts you right in half

  4. #14
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    because you doubt yourself. there's a chance in your mind that your friends might be onto something. or you have a lot of pride mixed with low self esteem and don't want others to look upon you negatively.
    Time is a delicate mistress.

  5. #15
    Senior Member bronte's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by happy puppy View Post
    You are highly empathic and you feel this persons discomfort. Even though you did nothing to provoke it you still are biologicaly programmed to feel the "pain" they feel to a certain extent and want to do something to resolve it.

    Ideally this means you save the whales, and little kittens and help those in need around you. However in this case your innate biological programming has tripped you up and made you "feel" this persons pain in a situation where you should not HAVE to feel it. They are causing thier own problem, yet becuase you had the slightest seed of that discomfort you feel guilt and pain over thier discomfort.

    Try to logically recognize what you feel, isolating it to a particular body location if possible, then "cut" that string and let that discomfort go.

    Hope thats helpful.
    thanks everybody - all of this was helpful and I could recognise aspects of truth in what everybody has said - but happy puppys message resonated so strongly. I'm sick to the back teeth of this 'empathy' - I do feel guilt and pain over this person's discomfort and I recognise in her behaviour - some aspects of my own feelings in the past (I never acted them out in this way - but i felt like it!) I guess the psychologists would call it transfference and countertransference! but what I have done is put a distance between us and I'm working on dealing with the feelings more logically -( whatever that means!)
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
    Maya Angelou

  6. #16
    Member Hazle Weatherfield's Avatar
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    Hi bronte,

    New around this town, so I'm popping my posting cherry. :-)

    For me, one of my basic needs is to be understood. I get very frustrated and feel like giving up if I'm misunderstood. Part of that is because being an INXP, I think a lot in my head, so if I decide to come out and share any of those thoughts, it must be because I find them really important. If my articulation of said thoughts is not understood, then I don't really know what to do.

    Anyway, my point is that if someone thinks something untrue of me and then is corrected, it doesn't take that initial thought away. So, for me, it ends up being an issue of not being able to know entirely what that person is still thinking about me, which I then worry about.

  7. #17
    Senior Member bronte's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hazle Weatherfield View Post
    Hi bronte,

    New around this town, so I'm popping my posting cherry. :-)

    For me, one of my basic needs is to be understood. I get very frustrated and feel like giving up if I'm misunderstood. Part of that is because being an INXP, I think a lot in my head, so if I decide to come out and share any of those thoughts, it must be because I find them really important. If my articulation of said thoughts is not understood, then I don't really know what to do.

    Anyway, my point is that if someone thinks something untrue of me and then is corrected, it doesn't take that initial thought away. So, for me, it ends up being an issue of not being able to know entirely what that person is still thinking about me, which I then worry about.
    Hi Hazel

    yes its soo frustrating isnt it - its about not feeling understood myself but also feeling (in this situation) that the other person must also have felt misunderstood and lost in their emotions - I tried to discuss this with them but they didnt get it - so Ive got to let it go. As an infp its that bloody empathy and intuition again - they can get you into bother
    thanks anyway - again this really resonated with me.
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
    Maya Angelou

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